S2 Episode 1: Your Reality is Your Perception, Not Your Partner’s
Episode Summary
Each of us comes into a romantic relationship with preconceived notions of what we want, need and expect from our partner. Some of us are better at communicating those things than others. Unfortunately, a significant number of arguments in relationships come from conflicting perceptions of a particular situation. Two people can see the identical thing in vastly different ways.
When you accept that your perception of any given situation may be different than your partner’s, it allows for better communication. Try to understand their point of view. It does not mean you have to agree with it. However, when you validate your partner, they are more likely to be open to what you have to say.
Remember, feelings and opinions are not fact. Each person in the relationship is entitled to their feelings and opinions. Your job is to be respectful, even if you strongly disagree with your partner. Always try to put yourself in their shoes before you judge. You may be surprised with how legitimate their position may be if you make an effort to understand their perspective.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss a person’s need to analyze every spoken or written word in a relationship.
Show Notes
Perception is responsible for a lot of conflict in romantic relationships. When you enter into a partnership, you bring your own life experience, habits, sense of right from wrong, wants, and needs. All of these things can shape your perception of any given situation, and the same goes for your partner too.
Of course, in certain circumstances, there is no question between what’s right and what’s wrong. However, there are plenty of situations that leave room for differences in perception. You may think your position is the right one because you haven’t considered your partner’s point of view.
Feelings and opinions are not the same as facts, and what you see as a negative might be a positive in your partner’s eyes—or vice versa. This is why empathy is so important in a relationship. You and your partner don’t have to agree, but you do need to step back and appreciate the other person’s point of view.
Understanding your partner’s perspective can help with communication because it allows you to validate their perspective. You don’t need to share the same reality as your partner, but you do need to appreciate and understand their point of view.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When people want to analyze every word spoken or written in a relationship. Spending too much of your time speculating about the meaning behind your partner's words leads to anger and resentment. It’s exhausting and it’s a waste of time to constantly read between the lines. It signals poor communication and is a sign the person isn’t getting what they want from the relationship.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
Today's topic: Your Reality is Your Perception, Not Your Partner’s.
Lis:
Yeah, that's a good one. This is a good one.
Marlee:
I think you and I have talked about perception often, and I think it's such a simple concept that everybody sort of instinctually gets, and yet at the same time, I think it is responsible for a lot of conflict in romantic relationships.
Lis:
Oh, you could almost like check mark it off to being like 80%.
Marlee:
Yeah. Like, I think it's high up there. Look, every person, when they come into a relationship, they're entering into it with their own life experience, their own habits.
Their own sense of right from wrong, their own wants, their own needs. Right? And all those things help shape their perception of any given situation.
Lis:
Yep. That's right.
Marlee:
But just because you or I might see a particular situation in a certain way, doesn't mean that our partner or another person would agree or see it the way we see it.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And I liken it to the famous, take a glass, fill it halfway with water, right?
Lis:
Mm-hmm. Oh yeah.
Marlee:
Where you can put it in front of you and me. And you might say, when somebody says to you, Lis, describe the glass in front of you and you're like, well, it's a glass that's half full of water.
Lis:
Oh yeah. I do happen to be a half glass full of type of gal.
Marlee:
There you go. And they might say, Marlee, what about you? How would you describe it? And I'd say, I think the glass is half empty actually, Because I'm kind of like a half empty kind of gal. But here's the thing, we're both right. Neither us are wrong. It's our own life experience, our own perspective on the world that forms the half full versus half empty.
Now the person who's put the glass in front of us, Lis says to you, Hey, Lis, go outside, run up 10 flights of stairs and come back down. And you say, okay, I guess it's my workout for today. And you go and do it. And you come back and they say, what do you think about this glass now?
Lis:
Girl, that glass is half empty.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Why I'm so thirsty.
Marlee:
Exactly. Because all of a sudden…
Lis:
My perception changed.
Marlee:
Your environment or your experience has shifted your perception in the moment.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Now that you're thirsty after running up all of those stairs, but girl, your ass looks great. As a result, that amount of water to you is now not enough.
You need a full glass of water, so you see it as being half empty.
Lis:
Yeah, and you know what Marlee, I mean, listen, we're like an ego-centrical bunch, right?
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
I mean, everybody's perceptions are formed from the time that they're little. And I feel like it's, I can't tell you the number of times that I have had an inner dialogue in my head.
Marlee:
Oh, yes.
Lis:
About my husband or something that he's doing, and my perception of it. And of course, I'm right, and I'm sitting there and I'm just like, arguing with myself in my head and I'm getting really worked up and mad and I know that I have to take myself out of that situation and give myself some time to calm down, to realistically be able to process that…
That is my perception of what's going on. And he, one has no idea that I'm even festering this much in my head.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
But that he's not thinking of it the same way.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
He just doesn't and I know it.
Marlee:
That's right. And, and listen, I mean, I'm not saying sometimes when we perceive a situation, we're not a hundred percent spot on.
Do you know what I mean? There are times where there is only one perception. There's only one way to look at a situation.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And that's not what we're talking about. Even though I think a lot of people fall into the category of going, well, of course it is. Every situation is exactly the way I see it.
Lis:
Exactly. I was just going to say that.
Marlee:
But I do think there are certainly situations, an example that comes to mind immediately, like abuse. Somebody laying their hands on you in anger in a romantic relationship.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
There is never an acceptable time for somebody to do that. That will always be perceived as wrong.
I don't care where you come from. You know what I mean? I think 99.9% of humans in this world would agree that that is a bad situation. Okay?
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
But there are a lot of situations, and this is why I think there's so much conflict in relationships, because people think their position is the right one, and they will not take into account the other person's feelings and they will not take into account the fact that the other person might have validity in what they are doing or what they are saying.
And this is where I think people need to retrain their brains. This is the whole sort of romancipation, got to kind of take a different perspective.
Lis:
Well, and it's also about self-awareness.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And really understanding where your blind spots are.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Because we have a lot of them and everybody has them. And it's almost as though you have to remove the tunnel vision.
Marlee:
Right.
Lis:
And understand that, like you said at the very beginning, that everybody comes from a different background and brings different baggage into a relationship and being able to kind of understand that your baggage is not the same as somebody else's.
Marlee:
That's right. Now listen, feelings and opinions, they're not the same as fact.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
They're just not. And they shouldn't be treated as though they're fact. And so, for example, I might think that my mother-in-law is interfering in my relationship with my husband. My husband might see her quote interference as help.
Right? What I see as a negative, he's seeing as a positive. He sees it as a positive because she raised him. Right? I see it as a negative because she's a bitch. Right? But anyway, that's aside from the point. But you get what I mean. And this is the kind of thing where I would really say to people, really try to put yourself in another person's position.
This is where we have talked about empathy and how it's such an important part of a relationship, being able to take a step back and say, okay, I know how I feel about this given situation. I can see my partner feels very differently. Let me try and understand where they're coming from. Now, that doesn't mean you have to agree.
Okay?
Lis:
I think that's the point right there.
Marlee:
That's right. It doesn't mean you have to agree. It doesn't mean that you have to change your own mind. What it means is that you are giving them the validation that you respect their position. The same way you should insist that they validate and respect your position.
Once you do that, I think it's a lot easier to be able to talk and come to some type of compromise, or at least even if you are going to continue to see things very differently. You agree to disagree?
Lis:
Oh my God. Ding, ding, ding. Yeah, like I feel like you have completely n nailed it and everything you just said.
It's, I mean, that is Romancipation to me.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
Right there. I mean, because being able to take that step back and give somebody else the validation that even though you might not agree on everything that is okay.
Marlee:
That's right. Yes. It's okay to not agree on everything.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And it's okay to feel frustrated.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
You know what you were talking about, that sort of internal dialogue, it's okay to be like, what the hell is he doing? Yes, he's pissing me off. But you also have to then take a step back and say, okay, wait a second. Is he actually doing it on purpose? I think he is. But, is that in fact true? I might feel he is.
That might be my opinion, but where I think he's irritating me or doing something on purpose, it could be he's just a moron.
Lis:
Let's be honest, nine times out of ten, that's the case.
Marlee:
He's not doing it on purpose.
Lis:
Yes. That it's not, there's no intent there.
Marlee:
Yes. And he's not seeing the situation the same way I am.
And when I start reading into. I start creating, like you said, all this like drama, all this angst, all this anger.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And then my emotions build up and then I lash out.
Lis:
Oh. And half the time he has no idea what I've been lashing out about.
Marlee:
Why do you think these men look with these like deer in the headlights look are like, what did I do?
I don't get it. What did I do?
Lis:
They're like, I should definitely have done something. I'm just not sure what.
Marlee:
Yes, they're not sure what exactly what they did. And I think that if you want to let your partner know that they're doing or saying something that's frustrating you, angering you, hurting you. You find a time to communicate it, not in the heat of the moment.
And you give them the benefit of the doubt. You picked them. Remember, remember this isn't a stranger. You picked them. They're supposed to care about you, right? So you should give them the benefit of the doubt and ask them. I'm trying to understand, do you think it's okay to… fill in the blank? Or why did you think it was okay to say…
Blah, blah, blah, and hear what they have to say because it might be that they're like, well, I didn't think that that was offensive, or, I didn't know you wanted me to get that done.
Lis:
Or that's just what I believe.
Marlee:
Or, that's just what I believe, that's what I feel. Exactly. And when you actually validate each other's feelings, you will be able to communicate, but before you can validate somebody's feelings, you have to understand their perspective, and you have to understand that their reality is based on their perspective.
My reality is my perspective, you and I don't have to share the same reality. We right now are in the same place. Doing the same thing, right? We're doing this podcast. And yet your point of view is going to be different than mine. We might agree on things, but the way we're looking at it.
Lis:
And the way we got there.
Marlee:
And the way we got there can be completely different.
And that's the lesson, that's the takeaway, right? That's the Romancipation of this. Your reality is your perception. It's not your partner’s. And if you want them to understand what your perception is of the situation, you have to be able to clearly communicate it, calmly. You need to respect that they might not agree, that they might see it very differently.
And guess what? That's okay.
Lis:
It's okay.
Marlee:
Because it's very different when something is based on fact versus feeling or opinion.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When People Want to Analyze Every Word, Spoken or Written in a Relationship.
Okay. I know this is a little thing for you, Lis. So, I'm going to hand it over to you first.
Lis:
Okay. Because I actually have been an over analyzer in my life.
Marlee:
I know, and that's why I think you are the expert on this. So go ahead girl.
Lis:
Okay. Okay. If you can't take your partner at face value and believe that they mean what they're saying, then you're overanalyzing, which is normally tied to an insecurity.
Marlee:
Yep.
Lis:
So many people spend way too much time worrying about what someone meant or what the reason was for something that they did or said. That they turn it around and they become angry and hurt and resentful, and sometimes it'll even cause a fight when in reality, the whole thing has been made up in their head.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
Yep. I'm actually pretty observant and I have the ability of being able to look at a problem or issue from every different angle, and some people might think that it really isn't necessary, but I just can't help it. So, I overanalyze every situation because I'm trying to problem solve from all different directions.
Marlee:
Okay. Fair. Very fair.
Lis:
Constantly trying to read between the lines. Then you needed to take a hard at yourself and trying to figure out what your insecurities are.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
With that, the reality is that most likely it's a you problem. They probably didn't mean anything that you're reading into.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
And if you take a step back and realize that not everything in this world revolves around you, sometimes people have bad days and sometimes they have problems of their own that may make them act in a certain way.
That really, honestly has nothing to do with you. The world's a huge place and you're not the center of it.
Marlee:
Oh, I like those. Okay. So, mine are a little more pithy but, very similar sentiment. Okay. So, I have to start by saying it's exhausting.
Lis:
Oh, it is exhausting.
Marlee:
It's exhausting.
Lis:
I'm tired of it a lot.
Marlee:
Yeah. And I can also say it's a waste of time. People need to ask questions if they want answers, instead of trying to read between the lines, so to speak.
Lis:
Amen. Sister.
Marlee:
If you need to analyze everything your partner is saying or writing to you, there's no trust in the relationship.
Lis:
You're right. You're right.
Marlee:
I also think it is a sign, and I know you mentioned this, of insecurity in the relationship.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
To me, it also signals poor communication in the relationship.
Lis:
It does.
Marlee:
It often means the person is not getting what they actually want from the relationship, and so they are hoping to find what they want in what somebody is saying…
Lis:
Oh, they're digging deep to try to like get to what they're looking for. Oh my gosh, yes, good one.
Marlee:
Okay. I think it is never a good sign if it feels like someone's playing games or leading you on by not being clear in what they're saying so that you feel the need to analyze it.
Lis:
Right. Okay.
Marlee:
I also think though, that it may be a violation of privacy if you share what your partner wrote or said with another person.
Lis:
Ooh.
Marlee:
Because often we need a team of analysts.
Lis:
I need validation.
Marlee:
That's right. To break it down.
Lis:
You're right. You're right.
Marlee:
So, I think people need to be very aware of that.
Lis:
You're right.
Marlee:
I also think, often when you try to overanalyze, you are trying to put more meaning and emotion into the communication than was warranted.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
You'll likely be disappointed with your own interpretation.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And I think you touched on that. And finally, if you can't figure out what the other person actually needs or wants from you, I think that's a huge red flag and I think it's time for you to walk away. So those are mine.
Lis:
Oh, good ones. Good ones.
Marlee:
Yeah. You know, I've never been a person to overanalyze what is being written or said, but I am the person that many people come to.
Lis:
Yeah, you are!
Marlee:
And they want to know, they want me to interpret it for them. And this is where like the lawyer and me always says, you know, be very careful in what you are interpreting because…
you are often taking your own perspective…
Lis:
…and emotion.
Marlee:
And emotion, exactly, in how you're interpreting a word.
Lis:
It's so right, you know?
Marlee:
Or a phrase that may not had any of the meaning that you think it does.
Lis:
Isn't that the truth?
Marlee:
And that's where it's so important to ask for clarification because sometimes what you are hearing or what you think you're reading is in fact not the case.
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released.
Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook if you're enjoying the podcast. Please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify reviews. Let Apple know that great listeners like you enjoy our show and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again and stay Romancipated.