S4 Episode 11: Your Instinct is Your Best Friend: Listen to it
Episode Summary
Mother Nature gifted you with an internal voice which serves only one purpose: to keep you alive. When it comes to romantic relationships, we tend to ignore this warning system, especially if it is in opposition to our wants and needs. By rejecting your own internal boundaries, you place yourself in situations that often create physical and emotional discomfort.
A Romancipated individual understands that our instinct is there to help us with difficult and emotionally trying decisions. Instead of ignoring or rejecting your gut, you need to embrace what your body and mind is telling you about a particular person, relationship or situation.
Trusting your instinct can make you a better partner, help you define your boundaries, advocate for yourself and save you physical pain or emotional hurt. It helps guide you through the ups and downs of a romantic partnership. Your instinct is your ally, do not discount what it has to offer in helping you attain the happiness you desire.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss when men don’t want to learn how to properly sexually satisfy their female partner.
Show Notes
Are you ignoring what your gut is telling you? In your relationship, you shouldn’t be. Nature has given you this instinct to help you with self-preservation. It’s a natural part of the human experience, and it should be respected. Your gut feeling will let you know when something doesn’t feel right or feel safe.
Never ignore your inner voice. It could always help you in small ways, like saving you from emotional pain or frustration. But it can truly be resourceful in bigger ways—for example, saving your life. Trust yourself and the way your body reacts to certain situations.
Self-preservation is at the core of Romancipation. Your instincts will help you define your boundaries because they signal to you what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable. Your instinct is your protector, as it will let you know if your person has an unhealthy dominance or control over you.
An inner voice will tell you when something in your relationship isn’t right, whether that’s something that jeopardizes your mental, emotional, financial, or physical health. That said, trusting your gut can only help you in functional and non-functional relationships. Pay attention to the cues your gut instincts are screaming at you.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When men don’t want to learn how to sexually satisfy a woman. It’s selfish to always think of your own pleasure first. It doesn’t respect the woman as an intimate life partner. It makes the man come across as immature and signals a power imbalance in the relationship. It destroys the possibility of intimacy in a relationship.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating, and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
On today's episode, Your Instinct is Your Best Friend. Listen to it.
Lis:
Yes. That is so true.
Marlee:
Oh my gosh, Lis. I cannot understand why so many people don't listen to their instincts.
Lis:
It's like that gut feeling.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
It is what nature has given you to survive.
Lis:
Fight or flight. Right?
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
I mean, that's, yeah.
Marlee:
Instincts exist to keep you alive.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Right? The main purpose is self-preservation.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Right? It's such a natural part of the human experience, and it needs to be respected.
Lis:
Yeah, you're right.
Marlee:
Your body, mind and emotions will let you know when something does not feel right, feel good, or feel safe.
Lis:
Always. No, it's so true.
Marlee:
Right?
Lis:
It's so true.
Marlee:
I mean, you get a physical reaction.
Lis:
Yes. You know, you get a reaction, like you said, in your gut.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Sometimes you get that pit in your stomach.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
Sometimes you get butterflies like your instinct is…
Marlee:
Or the anxiety.
Lis:
Or the anxiety. It's all around you. You have to just trust it. And I totally agree with you that people don't tend to follow their gut all the time, because it's not always the easiest path.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
But you know what?
Never ignore your internal voice.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
Because at worst it can save you some emotional pain or frustration.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And at best it can save your life.
Lis:
Right. Right.
Marlee:
Do you know what I mean?
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It's like when you choose to ignore your instinct and proceed in a relationship that you shouldn't be in.
You're basically teaching yourself to not trust the most important individual in the world.
Lis:
Great point.
Marlee:
You!
Lis:
Great point.
Marlee:
You.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
You're teaching yourself to not trust yourself.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
By ignoring your instinct. It makes me nuts. I'm telling you, instinct and self-preservation, that is the core of being Romancipated.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Right? That is how you help define your wants and needs.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Instinct is what helps you define your boundaries.
Lis:
Yep. You got it.
Marlee:
Right, Lis.
Lis:
You got it.
Marlee:
What makes you comfortable or uncomfortable?
Lis:
Marlee, I was just thinking that too. I mean, it really is all about comfort and you kind of said it, like how many times have you been in a relationship that you knew wasn't necessarily the right fit?
And it could have just been timing. It could have been like there was just boxes that weren't checked.
Marlee:
How about the person's behavior?
Lis:
And the person's behavior. And you kind of knew it in your gut, but you stayed in the relationship…
Marlee:
And what ended up happening? You ignored your instinct and you resent yourself.
Lis:
That's right. And you regret it.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And you question and you go down this path of what could I have done differently? What should I have done differently?
Marlee:
And the whole time your instinct was telling you, get out.
Lis:
Yes. Just, just leave.
Marlee:
Get out.
Lis:
That's it.
Marlee:
Just get out.
Lis:
Yeah. Right. Go.
Marlee:
I mean, everybody needs to recognize that in every relationship, there's always one person that has more dominance. Do you know what I mean? And your instinct is your protector. Right? Your instinct is letting you know is the person that you're with, do they have a dominance over you that is minor and healthy in some ways? Or do they have some type of dominance or control over you that is really unhealthy?
Lis:
Or vice versa, do you? I mean, right, because you can also be dominant in the relationship.
Marlee:
Yeah, but I would never say anything wrong with that. I mean, seriously, listen, instinct, predator, prey, which would you rather be?
Lis:
Right. Well, of course.
Marlee:
But that's what I mean. Look, what I will say to you is I do believe that a Romancipated person should be the one that has a slightly more dominant role in the relationship and with dominance comes responsibility. Right?
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
You have to be extra respectful. You have to be extra empathetic. You have to be more accountable in some ways, because you are the one that is sort of driving the bus. Right? We've talked about driving your own bus.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
So if two people can't drive, right?
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Somebody has to be the navigator and somebody has to be the driver.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
And so with a Romancipated relationship, you don't want to be the driver and your partner to be the passenger. That's not what we're talking about. We're talking about a partnership. You want to be the driver, you want your partner to be the navigator.
Right? So you guys are working in tandem.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
You've both decided where you want to go. And you guys are each doing what you need to do to get you there. Now, there might be points in your relationship where that shifts.
Lis:
Well, I was going to say, I think that that does shift all throughout your relationship.
Marlee:
I think it does too.
Lis:
I think that's healthy because I think you can't always take the lead and you can’t always be. There has to be balance and there's going to be times where emotionally you need more and there's going to be times where you have to give more.
Marlee:
You’re right.
Lis:
That's just so, while there's always like typically like a dominance, you have to find the balance.
Marlee:
You do. But I mean, I guess when I'm thinking about a negative dominance…
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
I mean, listen. If you're in a relationship where you feel scared.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Bored, confused, lonely.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
If you feel like the person is being abusive.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
If you feel like the person is being disrespectful. If you feel like the person's being manipulative.
Lis:
Oh, well those are all huge red flags.
Marlee:
Those are, yeah. That's a very negative dominance.
Lis:
Yes, of course. And your instinct is alerting you to that.
Lis:
Oh yeah. Your instinct should be telling you to run.
Marlee:
Yeah. And you should listen to it.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Because like you said, those are relationship red flags.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
They are but there's also that instinct of self-preservation we've spoken about in prior podcasts, like financial health of a relationship.
Lis:
Right. Yep.
You might be the one that has the skillsets or the discipline to be the one that's going to be more dominant. Right?
Lis:
Right. To take control of the financial aspect of life.
Marlee:
To make sure make, that everything's functioning well.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And that it's beneficial for both people.
So that's what I'm saying.
Lis:
That makes sense.
Marlee:
Is that, you know, there are times when the dominance can shift, but there are also times when it's going to be static.
Lis:
Yeah, because you lost me on the navigation because my husband and I do not do well on the car together.
Marlee:
See? No, it's ok. So it's funny you say that because the driver has to trust the navigator.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And the same way the navigator has to trust the driver because the driver is the one who can actually cause a crash.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Right? But the navigator is the one who's telling you where to turn.
Lis:
I choose waze.
Marlee:
Yeah. There you go. There you go. So, Lis is in an intimate relationship with waze.
Lis:
Really, it does work out well for me.
Marlee:
Turn left on my clit.
Lis:
No, I did change the voice.
Marlee:
Just say turn left on my clit.
Lis:
That's actually like a South African accent, I think.
Marlee:
Oh, I don't think I can do that.
Lis:
Maybe an Australian accent. Super cute.
Marlee:
I don't think I can do that. Turn left on my clit and put a shrimp on the barbi, I don’t know, I don't think that's a good one.
Lis:
But anyway.
Marlee:
But I guess, I think it's interesting because I do think that instinct is such an important part of relationships.
Lis:
It is.
Marlee:
And it really does define so much of how you are going to interact.
Lis:
And react.
Marlee:
And react.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And it's a huge part of communication. Right? It really is. And I don't think people ever really think of it like that, but it is. If somebody is coming at you in an aggressive way. Right? You might have an instinctual nature to either go back at them. Right?
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Or to back down.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
So if your partner, and again, this is why I want people to understand how like dominance and instinct come together. If your partner knows that by being more aggressive, say in how they're communicating with you, that you're going to back down.
Lis:
So they get what they want.
Marlee:
So they get what they want. Exactly. That is something you need to be aware of.
Lis:
Right. And I think even in a functional relationship, you have to trust your instinct, right?
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And just like you said, because people communicate in such different ways and instinctively, like you just mentioned, if you're in an argument and your natural reaction, is to push back and you know that that's just going to like set your partner off or vice versa.
You're not having a constructive argument. Right.
Marlee:
No, absolutely.
Lis:
You do have to kind of like, navigate and really learn. Yeah.
Marlee:
That's right. That fight or flight feeling…
Lis:
Because my instinct is constantly telling me to fight back. You know, like…
Marlee:
Same here.
Lis:
Like if somebody's coming at me, I'm going to charge.
Marlee:
Absolutely, but a lot of people, they fly. Right. They back off. Absolutely. And it's interesting because your instinct also really does tell you so much about the state of your relationship. We've had episodes on infidelity.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Your instinct is the one that's telling you, you and I've talked about, people put their heads in the sand.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
The very definition of putting your head in the sand means that you know that there's a reason you’ve got to put your head in the sand.
Lis:
Right. That there's something wrong.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Something's wrong, something’s not working.
Marlee:
And you know, you can feel when something is wrong. And it's not just for females, it's for males as well.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
People know when something is off. When you have an intimate relationship with somebody, you know their moods, you know their body language, you know the tone of their voice. You know how they're feeling without even being able to articulate it, per se, you feel it. That's instinctual.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
That is instinctual. That is your instinct. So, if you are feeling something is off in the relationship, something is off.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And the moment somebody tries to gaslight you and says, you are crazy. Oh man.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
That, I mean, you want to talk about fight or flight? Oh, I want to punch him and then fly. No. You know what I mean?
Because I don't want to get arrested. But seriously, when somebody challenges your perception of something that you know to be true, your instincts are screaming at you.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And if you don't trust them, if you deny what they are telling you, you are setting yourself up to be hurt. You are setting yourself up for a big problem in your relationship.
Your instinct really is your best friend.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
This is the one person, we'll call your instinct a person, who cares only about one thing. Your continued existence. And your happiness.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And your well-being.
Lis:
You got it.
Marlee:
Your instinct’s entire reason for existence is self-preservation. Respect it.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When Men Don't Want to Learn How to Sexually Satisfy a Woman.
Lis:
Like what the actual.
Marlee:
Yeah. All right. I know you got something to say on this one, Lis. Let's hear it.
Lis:
I mean, listen, they're just selfish and they think of their own pleasure first.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
I mean, it's just. Ugh. Okay. So, I don't know, maybe she's faking it and reinforcing behaviors that he will continue to perform in the future despite them not being satisfied. I mean, listen, women have a tendency to fake it.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
To like make them feel better.
Marlee:
And it's a bad idea.
Lis:
It's a bad idea. And this is just one of the examples of why it's a bad idea.
And by the way, if you're not their last partner, you have them to, uh, thank for their future partner's dissatisfaction too.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
So just spreading the love. She's just not being adequately communicative about her needs as well. I mean, listen, if you're not communicating to your partner that that is not making you feel good and it's not turning you on.
They are not going to be able to change.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
Like you have to be open too.
Marlee:
Oh, I agree.
Lis:
All right. He also might just not care because he doesn't care about other people because he's a narcissist.
Marlee:
Oh, the old narcissist. I like it.
Lis:
And then, I don't know, maybe too much porn from an early age and he thinks he knows what he is doing.
Marlee:
Oh snap. I like that one. I like that one.
Lis:
There you go. Okay. Those are mine.
Marlee:
So, mine are: It shows a lack of respect for your enjoyment and pleasure.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Speaking as the woman.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
It's very disrespectful to you as a life partner and as an intimate partner.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
I think it's an absolute sign of immaturity.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It's a sign of insecurity, I think, in their ability to sexually satisfy their partner.
Lis:
I think you're right.
Marlee:
I think it signals a power imbalance in the relationship.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
I also think it can signal sexual hangups. If somebody doesn't want to learn how to sexually satisfy their partner, it's usually because they’ve got some like deep-seated issue they haven't resolved.
Lis:
Like they're a feet person. Sorry.
Marlee:
I don’t know, like, I mean like they have like issues with like sex and their own sexuality and somehow…
Lis:
Like maybe morally?
Marlee:
Like if they are pleasing a woman that somehow she's like a bad person or, I don’t know, immoral.
Lis:
Okay. Right, right, right. Ok. I see what you're saying.
Marlee:
Yeah. I think it creates self-doubt in the woman.
Lis:
Yeah, for sure.
Marlee:
I think it absolutely makes her start to question her attractiveness.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It can be the basis for which I think a partner begins an affair.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Absolutely. I think if somebody doesn't want to satisfy them, they then look elsewhere to be satisfied.
Lis:
Of course.
Marlee:
Right?
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
I think it makes your partner feel unappreciated and unloved.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
It absolutely destroys intimacy in the relationship. I think it shows a lack of care and concern.
Lis:
For sure.
Marlee:
For your partner if you don't want to satisfy them. I think it's a huge red flag. I really do. I think if somebody doesn't want to learn how to sexually satisfy you, that means that you are not a priority.
Lis:
That's right. There's other areas.
Marlee:
You're not important.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
Like you need to move on.
Lis:
Nailed it.
Marlee:
And I will say that if you take the time to understand your partner's body and learn how to give them pleasure, the favor will be returned.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
You know, I mean, it's a practice that really does reward both people in the relationship.
Lis:
Sure.
Marlee:
It's, it's always a win-win situation. If you're going to give a partner pleasure, I really believe that. So not wanting to learn how to do that, I think is very counterproductive. Just bizarre. I'm also going to say, and I think this is so true, it can be used as a get out of jail card. Meaning like if the guy messes up, and then he's able to get his partner off.
Damn. He will earn the forgiveness points quickly.
Lis:
No, I love it.
Marlee:
I'm serious. I'm being serious.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
So like guys, it benefits you. Not only in that you'll get pleasure, your partner will get pleasure. Oh, and by the way, you will get away with stuff. Like other stuff I'm just saying. So, it's something you should probably consider.
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast or to learn more about us, visit www.Romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released.
Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast, please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify. Reviews let Apple know that great listeners like you enjoy our show and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again and stay Romancipated.