S5 Episode 11: You Should Want to Be with Your Partner, Not Need to Be with Them
Episode Summary
There is a big difference between want and need. Wanting something or someone makes you put in effort and work for it. Needing something or someone creates feelings of powerlessness and instability. For a relationship to withstand the expected ups and downs, both partners should want to be with the other.
When you place yourself in a situation where you rely so heavily on another person for support - financial, emotional or physical - you give them power over your life and the decisions you make. Sometimes that control is direct and in other instances it is indirect. Either way, it is unhealthy for both members of the couple and will create resentment.
Two people who want to be together practice empathy, respect and acceptance. They build trust, respect boundaries and nurture intimacy. Feeling wanted is empowering and gives you a sense of security. You recognize your partner is with you for the right reasons and that creates long-term stability.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how detrimental it is for a person to take on their new partner’s hobbies or interests in an attempt to keep the relationship.
Show Notes
Being truly Romancipated means being in a relationship with someone because you want to be, not because you feel you need to be. Healthy, productive relationships take work, and you need to have a desire to do that work. Going about it any other way is a disservice to you.
By needing your partner instead of wanting them, you’re placing yourself in a situation primed for abuse, neglect, and unhappiness, especially if your partner is the one emphasizing your need for them. Believing them compromises your agency and can lead you down a very dark rabbit hole.
It’s important for any person to have the ability to stand on their own two feet. Plus, independence is so sexy. The same goes for your partner. When you know they are with you because they want you versus need you, it’s a great feeling. It makes you feel chosen. Co-dependence, on the other hand, is a trap.
If you are with your partner because you think you need them, you’re handing over control. If you stay with a person because you think you won’t find someone better, that’s a bad choice to make. How would you feel if that’s why someone chose you? It’s an icky thought. But when someone wants you and puts their effort behind it, it’s a beautiful experience. That want helps you get through the rough patches.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When people change their hobbies or interests to please a new partner. Whether it’s sports, food, or politics, mismatched interests can only be concealed for so long until they take their toll. Why lie about who you are and what you want? Not everything in your relationship needs to be shared or mutually enjoyed.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it! This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating, and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
On today's episode, You Should Want to Be with Your Partner, Not need to Be with Them.
Lis:
Truth.
Marlee:
This particular concept, Lis, this is what it's all about for me.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
It really is. I think that you become a truly romancipated individual when you recognize that if you're in a relationship. It's because you want to be in that relationship with that particular person, not because you need to be.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
If you don't mind, I'd love to sort of just make my argument.
Lis:
No please. It's so true.
Marlee:
Relationships take work like anything else that's worthwhile in life.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And if you don't want to do the necessary work for a healthy and productive and reciprocal relationship, then get out. Don't waste your time or somebody else's.
If you want to be with somebody, that's enough motivation to alter behaviors that might cause conflict or to alter needs that maybe don't align with the other person. If you're in a relationship because you need them for comfort, security, whether it's emotional security, financial security, physical security, if you're in a relationship because you need somebody for child care, or to do labor in your household. You're doing yourself and the other person such a disservice, Lis.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
You really are. Because guess what? You can hire people for some of those jobs, and the other ones, you should be able to find within yourself.
Lis:
Great point.
Marlee:
You shouldn't need another person to satisfy those things. Both parties in any couple will end up feeling incredibly resentful. And remember, resentment is relationship cancer.
Lis:
Killer. Yup.
Marlee:
If they know that they're needed and not wanted, that will make the person feel unappreciated and used.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It's just that simple. When you need a partner, instead of wanting them, you are placing yourself in a situation that is primed for abuse, neglect, and unhappiness.
I cannot emphasize that enough. Really, if you're in a relationship where your partner is always emphasizing to you how much you need them, they are insulting your ability.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Your competence and your agency. They really are. And if you believe them, if you believe that you need them and that's why you're with them, you are down a very dark rabbit hole because they will manipulate you.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
They will mistreat you because they know that they can.
Lis:
So unhealthy.
Marlee:
It is beyond unhealthy. If you do not have the ability to stand on your own two feet. That is the biggest ingredient for a recipe of self hatred.
Lis:
Oh, disaster. You're setting yourself up for disaster.
Marlee:
Absolutely. You and I have said this before. Independence is so sexy.
Lis:
It's so sexy.
Marlee:
It is so desirable, right?
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And codependence, it's a trap. It weighs down on you.
Lis:
No, it's like, what a bad feeling. I don't know. I just feel like that's such a huge burden and a huge weight to carry.
Marlee:
Yes. No, listen, I will also tell you from my own personal experience, every time there is a conflict between me and my husband or some sort of issue that arises, we fight for one another.
Even when we disagree, even when things get heated. We always recognize that we're fighting for this relationship, you know what I mean? We're fighting for one another because we want to be together. Neither of us needs the other person.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
And, Lis it feels so good to know that I'm not needed, but I'm wanted.
Lis:
There's a security in it, right? It's such a healthy secure feeling.
Marlee:
It's empowering.
Lis:
It's empowering knowing that you are with a partner that truly wants you.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Right? That if you were to walk away, that's not the point, right? I mean, you're not needed in this relationship as a security blankie, right?
Marlee:
That’s right. Thank you. Exactly.
Lis:
You guys are on equal playing field. And that's why when you argue, there is a sense of security even in that.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Right? So many people are afraid to voice their opinion or voice their frustration…
Marlee:
Because they need the other person. Exactly.
Lis:
Because they need the other person.
Marlee:
That's right. When you need another person. You can't be fully forthright.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
You have to kind of hold your punches.
Lis:
You have to walk on egg shells.
Marlee:
That’s right. Because otherwise you have the potential to anger them or to lose them.
Lis:
Rock the boat. You're going to lose them. Yes.
Marlee:
How would anybody want to live like that?
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
I would not want to live walking on eggshells. I would not want to live in a situation where I knew I relied so much on another person that they had indirect control over my life.
Lis:
That's right. And I think the fact that you just said indirect control, because I think so many people don't even realize how much control or impact another person has over them until you get into one of those big arguments.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And I think you or I, maybe because neither of us would ever probably hold our tongue, you know, in a situation where we felt like something was unfair…
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Or amiss, but so many people I've watched so many close friends even get into a place where I'm like, why wouldn't you just say something like that was completely disrespectful?
And they're just like, “Oh, it's not that big a deal. You know, like whatever.” And in my head, yeah. As I've gone home or walked away from the situation, I'm like, God, they don't feel confident enough in their relationship to be able to put out there how disrespectful or how much something mattered or was…
Marlee:
Yes. Respect is missing. Trust is missing.
Lis:
Communication is missing.
Marlee:
Admiration is missing.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Absolutely. It's funny to me because I can tell you that if you stay with a person, let's say because you're afraid of not finding someone better.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
We've talked about this in prior podcasts.
Lis:
And a lot of people feel that way, yeah.
Marlee:
It's a bad choice.
Lis:
Bad choice.
Marlee:
It's a bad choice.
Lis:
Well, it's a bad reason.
Marlee:
It's a bad reason. Thank you. It's bad for you. It's bad for the other person. Can you imagine somebody staying with you not because they actually want you? But because they feel they need to stay with you?
Lis:
Because maybe there's not something else out there that they're going to get. Yeah. Oh yeah.
Marlee:
I mean, isn't that gross?
Lis:
It's gross.
Marlee:
It's such an icky thought.
Lis:
Ick. That was the first word that came to my mind. Ick.
Marlee:
You know, I mean, look, you've all heard the phrase, if you want it, fight for it.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
I firmly believe in that phrase when it comes to romantic relationships. Nothing is more inspiring, to me, at least, when I see somebody, particularly, obviously, my husband, putting in the effort to...
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
To win my affection, to make things right if something goes wrong, to spend time with me, to want to grow old with me, to protect me, to cherish me.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
I see him fight for me and I love it. We talked about movie moments, right?
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
And while I don't think you should try and artificially make movie moments, when somebody wants you, the movie moments happen organically.
Lis:
I was going to say that, yeah, that is your movie moment.
Marlee:
It is. It's a great feeling.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And I want people to experience it. You have to want the person, you don't have to need them.
Lis:
Nope.
Marlee:
I can't emphasize that enough. Want, it's so important in a romantic relationship because you will encounter rough patches.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
You will encounter those instances where you are challenged or you are pushed to your limits.
Lis:
Mm hmm.
Marlee:
And you have to ask yourself, why am I staying? And if you can answer. Because I want to versus, ugh, because I need to.
Lis:
We've got kids, we've got bills…ugh.
Marlee:
Yeah, it just, it sends you down the wrong path.
Marlee:
Yes, it just really does.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When People Change Their Hobbies or Interests to Please a New Partner.
Lis:
Oh, this is really frustrating to me.
Marlee:
Yeah. No, I, this, this is a sticking one for me as well. I would love to hear you. Your vents.
Lis:
Yeah. No, please. Okay. So people often say they enjoy activities they don't in order to please their partner. But honestly, whether it's sports or food or politics, mismatch interests can only be concealed for so long before they begin to take their toll.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
On both sides. It's fake. And fake people suck.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
Pretending to be someone you're not is lying to others, and maybe even yourself, about who you are and what you like. It's simply unsustainable, and it can lead to more insecurities, depression, and anxiety. Think about having to keep that up. Constantly and consistently.
Marlee:
Yeah!
Lis:
How miserable! People who pretend to be someone they're not are worried that they won't be accepted as they are. And, in this age of social media, it's easier than ever to compare ourselves with other people who seem to be much better off. It leads to wanting to be someone else, or at least have a different life that someone else has. Ultimately, it will never last.
Marlee:
Yeah, no, I agree. I agree. So mine are, there's nothing wrong with taking up a new hobby or interest if it's something you actually enjoy…
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Or are keeping an open mind about. New partners offer the chance to expand our knowledge, experiences, and interests.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
The issue arises when you do things that are counter to your previous preferences because you're afraid of losing the person.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
If you never appreciated the outdoors before, but all of a sudden are constantly hiking, biking or camping because of a new partner, it can become concerning.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
It's also frustrating when you become fanatical about the new interest or hobby to the point that it seems so disingenuous to others. Like people who were never interested in a sport or a particular team and all of a sudden they're like a super fan because their partner likes that team. And the fact is they end up being even more enthusiastic than their partner is.
Lis:
Oh yeah.
Marlee:
It just reads as so disingenuous.
Lis:
Oh yeah. Taking it to new heights. Absolutely.
Marlee:
Yeah. It's healthy to have separate interests and hobbies from your romantic partner. Not everything needs to be shared or mutually enjoyed.
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
Showing interest in what a partner likes is thoughtful and supportive. Becoming a chameleon to please another person signals a lack of self awareness.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
You should not deceive or manipulate another person into believing that you have more in common with them than is actually true. It will come back to haunt you. And I know that you had said that as well. I feel really strongly about this because I have seen so many women fall into this trap, Lis.
Lis:
Yeah. Me too.
Marlee:
And I think it is such a red flag. I think there's nothing wrong with being exposed to something new, trying something new. I think that's great.
Lis:
I think it's exciting.
Marlee:
That's right. But if it's not your bag, if it's not something you want to do, you know what? You don't have to. But I know too many women who were total urbanites and all of a sudden they meet like a nature, granola type of guy and all of a sudden they stop wearing makeup and they're always hiking and they open an account at REI, you know what I mean, to like try and be this like nature person and again, nothing wrong with being exposed to nature, but I always find it fascinating because then when they break up with the guy, do you think they stay being interested in nature? Hell no.
Lis:
Nope.
Marlee:
They go right back to like their…
Lis:
Brunches.
Marlee:
Brunches in the city. Exactly. And never going outside.
Lis:
Getting their nails done.
Marlee:
Getting their nails done. Exactly.
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
So my attitude is you can go on the occasional camping weekend or glamping weekend or whatever you want to do.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
But don't just try and become something that you're not because the person who truly loves nature, they love it for a very specific reason. They're not pretending and they will come to recognize that you're truly not enjoying yourself.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
That you're just going along with it to please them. And you know what? Nobody wants to be with the person who is just always trying to please them. In the beginning, they might, but trust me, as the relationship evolves, they will just feel annoyed, they will feel frustrated, and they will feel like you are lying to them.
Lis:
Well, and I was going to say, once they figure out that you really aren't that into what it is that you're pretending to be, they are going to feel lied to. Exactly like what you said.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And like, how anxious must it make you trying to keep up that pretense the whole time? Like that you're loving to do something because once you go down that road, it's really hard to dig your way back out.
Marlee:
Yeah. If somebody's trying to share with you an appreciation they have or a passion they have and you don't get it, there's a sense of like betrayal.
Lis:
Yes, exactly.
Marlee:
There really is. It's just a bad idea.
Lis:
Bad. Bad, bad, bad.
Marlee:
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.Romancipation.com.
Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast, please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify. Reviews let Apple know that great listeners, like you, enjoy our show, and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again, and stay Romancipated.