S5 Episode 8: You Should Be Your Partner’s Biggest Fan, Not Their Biggest Critic
Episode Summary
Romantic relationships are unique in the sense that it is the one interpersonal relationship where you get to choose your partner. There must be a reason why you want to spend time with this person and share the most intimate parts of your life with them. The idea that you would not be their biggest fan or source of emotional support is counterintuitive and counterproductive.
When two people form a partnership, they become a unit that should work together, not tear each other down. No person is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. There is a difference between criticizing your partner and being critical. When there is a trust and respect between two people, they should be able to communicate in a healthy way. When one partner behaves in a way that is detrimental to the partnership, it needs to be addressed in a productive and thoughtful manner.
A strong partnership recognizes each person’s strengths and works as a unit to shore up any deficiencies. Knowing that your partner has your back and is your biggest cheerleader builds intimacy, empathy and a sense of security. It allows you to take risks, display vulnerability and gives you the space to evolve.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how unfair it is when one partner is sick and the other is expected to pick up all the slack, but the favor is never returned.
Show Notes
You should be your partner’s biggest fan, not their biggest critic. Why would anyone choose to spend time, or especially build a life with, a person who does nothing but criticize them? You don’t love everything your partner does, but you should always bring your partner up more than you put them down.
If your partner feels the need to be critical often, especially in front of other people, it’s a big red flag. You may not always approve of what your partner does, but there’s a time and place to have those conversations. Generally, you should be each other’s cheerleaders and teammates. You can even be their coach by being critical without criticizing.
The way you support your partner reinforces a strong foundation in your relationship. You should be a united front to friends, family members, and anybody you interact with. This kind of relationship is powerful, freeing, and lets you fly high. It also gives you space to make mistakes and be vulnerable.
You don’t have to cover up how you really feel about your partner. But the fact is you should understand and support your partner when they do make mistakes. Show them grace rather than going on the attack. Remember all the positive reasons you picked this person and keep that in focus in your relationship.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When your partner gets away with doing nothing when they’re sick, but you still have to work when you’re sick. If one partner is temporarily out of commission, the other has to step up. This agreement should go both ways. When it doesn’t, it’s infuriating. If you take care of everyone else regardless of how you’re feeling, it’s a problem.
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Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it! This is Romancipation. A podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating, and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
On today's episode, You Should Be Your Partner's Biggest Fan, Not Their Biggest Critic.
Lis:
I like this topic.
Marlee:
I do too. I feel very fortunate because I do have a partner that really is my biggest fan. And in turn, I really am his biggest fan. It has made for a very connection because of it.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
I often wonder why anybody would choose to spend time with a person who does nothing but criticize them.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
I personally hate being criticized.
Lis:
Same.
Marlee:
Yeah. I don't like it. And so the idea that the person that I chose to love. The person I chose to share my life with, to create a family with, to build a home with, the idea that they would be my biggest critic instead of my biggest fan, seems really strange and abnormal to me.
Lis:
Because that's not what you would choose in a partner. I mean, I feel the same way. I feel like why would you want to be with somebody that isn't just kind of singing your praises? I mean, listen, like we all have our stuff and you're not always going to love every single thing that your partner does or will do. I feel like you would pick somebody or you would want to pick somebody that brings you up.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Right? And that loves and just kind of praises the great things that you're doing. And listen, like, obviously…
Marlee:
Why else were they drawn to you?
Lis:
Why else were they drawn to you? And truthfully, if your partner feels the need to be critical in front of other people, that's a huge red flag to me. But also, I feel like there's times and places for you to have certain conversations if you feeling somebody's not living up to an expectation.
Marlee:
I always say that my husband is like my biggest cheerleader, right? And trust me, you do not want to see him in a little skirt. He is my biggest cheerleader and I like to be his cheerleader as well.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
But you know, we also work as a team and we kind of take the roles of a team. Okay. Oh, wow. Since you're the sports chick and I am not, I'm going to try this analogy on you.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
A partnership is teamwork. You're a team and you should be each other's cheerleader. You should be each other's teammates, but also you should be each other's coaches. Right?
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
So a coach can criticize, but they can do it constructively.
Lis:
I was going to say, they can be critical.
Marlee:
They can be critical without criticizing.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Yes. See, I knew having an athlete, it would be better for you to use this analogy than me.
Lis:
But I love the analogy.
Marlee:
Exactly. And that's what the essence of what we're talking about is.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
A relationship that's healthy, a relationship that has respect, that has trust, that has boundaries, that has communication, that has empathy, that has acceptance, right?
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
That has personal responsibility. Those are the elements that build this very strong structure. Right?
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And the way you support your partner is huge in reinforcing that structure.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It just is.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Now, like you said, there's always going to be things that your partner does or says that make you want to punch them in the face. Always. But, ultimately, he has my back.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And I have his.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
And we are united front.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
We are a united front to everyone. To our children, to our family members, to our friends, to our work colleagues.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
To anybody that we interact with we are a united front. And I can tell you, even if somebody wants to like tear me down or criticize me in front of my husband, even if he agrees with what they're saying, even if he thinks there's validity, he stops it. He shuts it down and he sings my praises.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And you know what? I do the same for him.
Lis:
You got it.
Marlee:
And we know we have each other's back. And when there is a loyalty, when there is this trust, when you know the person has your back, no matter what. It is so powerful. It is so freeing. It makes you feel like you're flying high. And you know what? It also gives you room to make mistakes.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It gives you room to be vulnerable.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Because you know you're not going to get attacked.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
You're not going to be torn apart. You're not going to be criticized to the point that you feel like a piece of shit.
Lis:
Well, there is such a self esteem piece of this, but I feel like criticism really is like when a complaint becomes expressed as somebody's character flaw, right?
Because it's personal.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And I think that so many people, they intermingle criticism with feedback, right? There are certain people that are like, I'm just giving you some feedback here, or I'm just going to like tell you. It's immediately going to put you on the defense.
Marlee:
I agree. I love what you just said. Feedback is very different than tearing somebody down.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
So if I say to my husband, you know what, I appreciated that you made dinner, but this particular meal wasn't my favorite, it was a little too spicy.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Right? That's feedback.
Lis:
Correct.
Marlee:
But saying, This is shit. You're an awful cook. You wasted time, money, and the groceries. That is just being cruel, unnecessary, creating conflict, bad feelings.
Lis:
Bad self esteem.
Marlee:
Yeah. When you could have sent the same message. It is all in the delivery. We talk about that.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
But it's also the feedback. What's the point you're actually trying to make? Are you trying to make them understand you didn't like the spicy food, right?
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
And next time you'd prefer less chili powder.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
That's very different than basically saying the effort and energy they put to put food on the table…
Lis:
Was not valued.
Marlee:
Thank you. Yes.
Lis:
No, you're totally right. Or when you hear people say, Well, she's a disaster in the kitchen or he's a disaster on the grill, it becomes a personal character flaw, something that somebody is going to take in rather than it being, like you said, something that it's a behavior of the person that you're trying to like, I don't know, I'm not.
Marlee:
People who are always criticizing their partner think they're somehow improving them. They think that by critiquing them, they're going to improve them. And you know what? That's not the point of a relationship.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
Now, you and I have talked about the diamond in the rough.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
We've talked about certainly helping somebody shine.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
You know how you do that? By being a cheerleader.
Lis:
Cheerleader.
Marlee:
By being a supportive person.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Not by putting them down. And guess what else? We've also talked about trying not to fix a broken toy. If there's something wrong with your partner that truly agitates you, irritates you, gets under your skin, you're not happy with, you have a choice. You can either accept it and work through it.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Or you need to think about whether or not this is the right person for you. But you don't have the right to attack them. You don't have the right to criticize them. You don't have the right to shove it in their face. Because trust me, chances are they're aware of it.
Lis:
I think that's a great point. I think a lot of people really know what some of their flaws are or what their faults are and having somebody that you trust constantly bring those to the forefront or throw them back in your face, I think does a huge disservice to the relationship.
Marlee:
That’s right. And we're not talking about like just covering things up and pretending everything's wonderful.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
We have no problem. Right, I'm sure you agree with this, of acknowledging our own weaknesses of having our partner acknowledge their weaknesses, any mistakes we've made or they've made.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
Any behaviors that you know have been less than stellar.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
But the fact is, it's when you show your partner that empathy and understanding and you actually say, Listen, I know what a great person you are. And yeah, you fucked up. We all do. Show them grace. Because guess what?
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It'll come back for you if you don't show them that grace. If you're just ready to attack and rip them apart.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
It will also come back and they'll do the exact same thing to you. So it really is about why'd you pick this person?
Obviously, there was a reason you were drawn to them. Obviously, there was a reason you decided to get into a relationship with them. I was hoping it's for positive reasons. So those are the things that you should be supporting. You know, who you should be a cheerleader for? Your children. But, guess what, a minor league cheerleader. And what I mean by that is, you should encourage your children. You should absolutely give them love and support, right?
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
We've talked about unconditional love for children, not partners. I'm reversing it in this one. I think your partner, you need to be their biggest fan. I think for your children, not so much.
Because I think your children need to know that everything they do and say isn't perfect.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
No, right? I mean, everything that they do and say isn't the best. They don't deserve a trophy for every goddamn thing.
Lis:
You know how I feel about the trophies. The participation trophies.
Marlee:
That's right. I'm not telling you that anything and everything your partner does should get them a trophy.
I'm telling you though, that this is a person who you should be supporting and they should be supporting you in turn. Right?
Lis:
I agree.
Marlee:
And you should be supporting your children. They probably won't support you in turn, the point is, is that nobody's perfect. Everybody makes mistakes. Children need to learn that it's okay to make mistakes, that they're still going to be loved and accepted and that they can learn from them. Adults can learn from that as well.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
It's about how you do it. And with the adults, if you are positive, if they know that you have their back…
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Your partner will be willing to make an effort to do whatever needs to be done to create that stability and that fairness and that happiness in your relationship.
Lis:
No, I think so too. And I think you made a great point too, because with children, them watching how you operate and whether or not you're always using statements to kind of criticize your partner, like, You always do this or you never do this, you're going to see that mirrored in your children and the way that they interact with other people and the way that they grow up in the way that they interact with you and they're going to mirror that and it's all in the delivery. I know we've talked about that before, too.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
You may come in and what you really mean, you see a sink full of dishes and what you say is you always leave all the dishes and they're always dirty in the sink when what you could really turn around and say, and it's all in the delivery is, listen, I'm feeling really overwhelmed with the amount of mess and the amount of clutter and when I come home and there's so many dishes in the sink, it makes me feel really anxious.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
It would be great if you could help me or help our family because…
Marlee:
That's honest.
Lis:
Because it's honest. You can still be pissed off that there's dishes in the sink.
Marlee:
That’s right.
Lis:
But how you deliver it is going to affect how your partner responds, like you mentioned, how they handle the situation moving forward, hopefully. And also they're not going to feel attacked or betrayed or lose trust in the way that you're communicating with them.
Marlee:
I agree. Delivery is huge, but on top of delivery, the mindset.
Lis:
The mindset.
Marlee:
It's the mindset. If your mindset is positively inclined towards your partner, things are going to be a lot better than if your mindset is negatively inclined.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When Your Partner Gets Away with Doing Nothing When They're sick, but You Still Have to Work When You're Sick.
Lis:
Ugh.
Marlee:
Oh, this one.
Lis:
This one is a frosting, like a cookie froster for me, I don't know.
Marlee:
Cookie froster?
Lis:
Yeah, like it frosts my cookies. I don't know.
Marlee:
Oh!
Lis:
You get mad.
Marlee:
I never heard of it! Well, I thought frosting cookies was a good thing.
Lis:
I don't know, I guess it's a good thing. I don't know.
Marlee:
Okay, that's a new term I just learned. All right. I think it is a very disrespectful double standard.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
No one likes to work or take care of their responsibilities when they're feeling under the weather. However, things still need to get done. So division of labor will have to take place. There's always going to have to be a willingness to let certain things slide until both partners are healthy again.
If one person in the partnership is temporarily out of commission due to an illness, then the other partner will have to step up. This agreement should be very reciprocal in nature. If the agreement is one sided, it is infuriating, disrespectful, and thoughtless.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Partners do not have the same rights as children. It's wonderful to be able to take care of a sick loved one and for you to feel nurtured if you're the one on the receiving end.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
However, if one person is always carrying the burden of the family or couple, then it is an unfair arrangement and an abuse of power. Especially if when they're ill, they're still expected to take on the full burden.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And no one's taking care of them.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Or nurturing them. If you're treated poorly for a short-term illness, it's a red flag. Because it'll let you know what will happen if one of you becomes seriously ill with a long-term illness.
Lis:
So right.
Marlee:
When people are sick, a lot gets revealed about the relationship. It's very telling. There's a reason that wedding vows mention in sickness and in health. Because every single person is going to get sick in the short term, and anybody has the capacity to end up with a serious long-term illness.
Lis:
You're right.
Marlee:
If your partner is not willing to step up and do what they need to do and help take care of you. That's a red flag. If the expectation is always that you are the one that takes care of everybody else, regardless of whether you're feeling well. That's a problem.
Lis:
Oh, it's such a problem. I probably did a little man bashing in mine, but let's be honest, this usually falls to the women. I think the man cold is a real thing. Typically, even if a woman has a sniffle and their partner catches on. They're always also sick and then become sicker.
Marlee:
Right.
Lis:
The women have to muster on and take it because they think otherwise things won't get done.
Marlee:
Because they won't.
Lis:
Because they won't. And when people are relying on you, a.k.a like a child, they can't actually take care of themselves. Someone has to physically take care of them.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
I think the pandemic really called this out. And I feel like the best memes were the ones where the mom either had to pretend to have COVID or was so excited when she had to self isolate during COVID that it just painted the entire picture.
I think women tend to take this on and men tend to, I don't know if they like regress and just go back to being taken care of by their moms. Like when they were sick. Not all men, but for the most part, the man cold is a real thing.
Marlee:
Yeah, I agree. And this is why I came up with this topic because I think that it's so common when illness comes into a family, like say the flu, everybody tends to get it.
Lis:
Of course.
Marlee:
And you know what? I get it. You're sick. You maybe cannot meet all of your regular expectations.
Lis:
Sure.
Marlee:
Whether it's cooking, laundry, taking care of stuff. But the fact is, while certain things can slide, somebody is going to have to step up. And I find it disturbing how often that a man can be moderately sick, and they act like they're on death's door, and a woman can be severely sick, and she's still out there cooking, cleaning…
Lis:
With a one hundred and one fever making it all happen.
Marlee:
Doing laundry, getting the groceries, all that stuff. It's kind of insane to me, and it's completely unfair.
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes, and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.Romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released.
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