S6 Episode 7: You Must Be Comfortable Being Lonesome Before Becoming a Twosome
Episode Summary
The truth is, when you feel lonesome it often stems from a lack of something in your current interpersonal relationships. Instead of letting these feelings get you down, embrace the opportunity to prove to yourself that you can do it on your own. Knowing that you can satisfy your own physical, emotional and financial needs before becoming part of a couple will allow you to set healthy boundaries and reasonable expectations.
When people are comfortable being on their own, they have higher standards and are not willing to fall prey to manipulation and abuse. They are more likely to appreciate what another person can bring into their lives without becoming dependent. Being self-sufficient is empowering. Moreover, it makes you a desirable mate.
A Romancipated individual is comfortable being on their own because they believe in their capabilities. They do not feel the need to settle for anything less than what they deserve in a partner. They cure loneliness with strong friendships, familial ties and hobbies and never let fear of being alone dictate romantic decisions.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how foolish it is to go over your budget to pay for a wedding.
Show Notes
Feeling comfortable while you’re alone is important, and it’s important to find this place for yourself before you get into a relationship. Society pushes people to be in a relationship because it’s seen as the highest level of happiness. In reality, being able to make yourself happy should come first. In many ways, feeling comfortable being alone is a lost art form.
There’s a difference between feeling lonely and being lonesome. When you’re lonesome, you’re on your own but at ease with it. When you’re lonely, you’re uncomfortable and in need of desire for human connection. Many people have a fear of being lonely, especially long-term. This is a valid concern in today’s virtual world.
Being comfortable in your own skin, being able to take care of yourself, and meeting your own wants and needs is a part of being Romancipated. You should never seek a relationship out of a fear of loneliness. You should be in a relationship because you want the other person for who they are and what they bring to the relationship.
Co-dependency is never a good thing. It robs you of your identity, and it robs your partner of their identity. Independence is sexy. Partners who can do things together as well as enjoy separate interests promote a healthy relationship. Friends, family, and hobbies can be avenues used to cure loneliness—not your romantic relationship.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When a partner wants you to spend money you don’t have on a wedding. The idea of going into debt for your wedding is a serious red flag. You shouldn’t spend money you don’t have just for a party. It’s a poor financial decision and doesn’t guarantee a long-term relationship.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it! This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating, and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life, take charge, and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
On today's episode, You Must Be Comfortable Being Lonesome Before Becoming a Twosome.
Lis:
Yes!
Marlee:
I really believe in this. I am a huge proponent of alone time.
Lis:
I mean, I love myself some alone time.
Marlee:
Oh, I do too. I do too. But I really enjoy being alone, and I'm very comfortable being alone, and I'm comfortable being alone in just about any situation.
I can eat in a restaurant alone, it doesn't bother me, I can go to a movie alone, I can sleep alone, I love shopping alone, truthfully, because I don't want other people's opinions.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
I can do a lot of things alone. And I really enjoy it. But I also enjoy being part of a twosome. I enjoy being with my husband and being a couple. I think one of the biggest reasons that I am actually a good part of a twosome is because I'm so comfortable being alone.
Lis:
I love that. I do. I really love that because I think society really does push on people that being in a relationship is the ultimate goal.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Right? Like you can't possibly be that happy unless you're with somebody else. And I think that being comfortable being by yourself and being able to make yourself happy and feeling happy is such a lost art form. I, I don't know. I feel like so many people are not comfortable doing any of the things that you said. And to me, I'm like, Oh, that'd be like my happy place. And not that I don't love my husband or my life or my family. But I truly, truly appreciate that quiet time by myself to do those things and reflect on certain things. I love it.
Marlee:
Well, look, I think for a lot of people, they have an incredible fear of being alone as in long term. And I think there's a difference between being alone and being comfortable being lonesome. So, I will differentiate it a little bit.
Lis:
Yeah, do that because I think that's a really good point, but it's confusing.
Marlee:
Because I think that for many people when they say being alone, what they really mean is being lonely.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
They need another person. They're feeling left out. They're feeling ignored.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
They're feeling neglected. And I think that being alone and lonesome is your being on your own.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And that's sort of what I'm talking about, like you have to be comfortable to be on your own.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
I get not wanting to feel lonely. We're humans, right? We're primates. We are group animals. We're social animals.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
So I get that natural desire for touch, for human interaction.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Right? For communication. And listen, you are seeing more and more of these reports of people claiming to feel these incredible rates of depression and loneliness because so many of their interactions are now on a screen.
They're not in-person interactions. So I'm not telling you that in-person interactions are not important, they are. But there's a difference between being alone, being comfortable in your own skin, really getting to understand your wants, your needs, your capabilities.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Being able to take care of yourself and satisfy those wants and needs in the sense of the ones you can satisfy yourself.
Lis:
And there's a lot of them, by the way.
Marlee:
Yeah, there are. Versus It's needing that other person, that other romantic partner, right?
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
You should never want a relationship because you fear being lonely, right? We've talked about that before.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
You should want to be in a relationship because you genuinely like the other person. Because you want to spend time with them. Because they do fulfill some of your wants and needs. Hopefully most of them. But not just the want of not being lonely.
Lis:
That's a good point.
Marlee:
And I'll say this. When you experience taking care of yourself, financially, emotionally, even sexually. Hello.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
You will not only feel competent, but you will be so much more appreciative of what your partner might bring to the table.
Lis:
Yes, of course.
Marlee:
So if you're used to paying all the bills yourself, and then your partner brings in some extra spending money so that you have more purchasing power and feel more secure. That's awesome, right? If you are taking care of your own emotional health, but then you have another person you can talk to and who's going to support you and who's going to care and lift you up when you're feeling down. Again, awesome, right?
Lis:
Awesome.
Marlee:
Sexually. Well, we've talked about this a lot. Unfortunately, I think often for women, they need to finish the job alone, but hopefully you find a partner that is more than willing to finish the job and do it well.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
I also think that when you have experience by being by yourself, you really are good at handling all of the good as well as the bad that comes in life. You may not like it, but at least if you're on your own, you know that you got it, right? You're like, I got this.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And I think that that allows you to avoid getting into unhealthy relationships.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
That might be abusive, or unbearable, or dependent.
Lis:
Well, right. I mean, when you're strong enough on your own, and you know what you need in order to feel fulfilled in a relationship. You're not going to expect less or take less, right? So you're going to find somebody that's on an even playing field. It's going to feel more of a complete partnership and togetherness then it's going to feel like an unbalanced bad place to be because you're not going to accept it. The confidence in being able to be by yourself and really, truly know what you need and what you want in a successful, healthy relationship is something that a lot of people don't get into early on.
Marlee:
Right.
Lis:
And that's why I think that they're less successful in some of those earlier relationships that they might have, because you're not even completely confident in your own abilities at that point, and you're falling into these relationship kind of spirals and traps, and instead of taking the time to feel comfortable being by yourself and really taking the time to understand your wants and needs, you're just getting into, out of fear of loneliness, like you mentioned, into the next relationship rather than taking that time.
Marlee:
Yeah, no, it makes you vulnerable.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Right?
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It makes you incredibly vulnerable. If you're able to stand on your own two feet, and like you said, you learn about your wants and your needs, and you're deal breakers.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Right? You don't get into those relationships where you see a partner that has those red flags.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
That are just being waved in front of your face. People in healthy relationships can be by themselves. They don't always need their partner around them all the time. Because you and I both know codependency is never a good thing. It robs you of your identity. It robs your partner of their identity.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
And we've spoken about this in the past. People love independence. Independence is a very attractive quality.
Lis:
It’s sexy.
Marlee:
And partners that can do things together but also have separate interests, that is what keeps a healthy relationship going. Because you're interesting. You're constantly adding something new to the relationship.
Lis:
You got it.
Marlee:
You are feeling fulfilled by multiple avenues, not just one person.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Because heaven forbid, you lose that person. Right?
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Death, divorce, illness, whatever it might be.
Lis:
Yep. It happens.
Marlee:
You're going to be screwed. No, right? If all of your chips are in the one little nest there, right?
Lis:
Your happiness.
Marlee:
Or was it all the eggs in the basket.
Lis:
All the eggs in the basket. Yeah.
Marlee:
So, I do want people to understand that companionship, friendship, close connections with family, those are the things that you should use to cure loneliness. Not a romantic relationship.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Right? A romantic relationship should be a person who you are growing with, a person who you trust, a person who you are comfortable setting boundaries with, a person who you want to please and who wants to please you in return.
I have experienced it. As I started when we opened this podcast. I am so incredibly comfortable being on my own, that I am not insecure if my partner wants to do things without me, if he wants to travel with some friends. I'm totally fine with that. I don't need to be with him. I trust him. I want him to have those experiences, and I in turn want to be able to sometimes travel with my girlfriends.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Right? Take a girl's trip without him. And I want to know that he trusts me.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
You know, and that he's comfortable being left alone. So these are healthy behaviors. It's healthy to be comfortable with who you are. And if you're not comfortable with who you are when you're alone, that should signal to you that you need to do some deep self-exploration and you probably need to get some professional help.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Because the other thing I will say is that when you're not comfortable being alone, that's when you start to turn to vices that end up having a very negative impact on you personally. And certainly, if you get into a couple, it can put you both into a downward spiral. Whether that is drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling, even sex addiction. Where you don't ever want to be alone so you just find strangers to hook up with.
Lis:
Well they are just things that plug holes.
Marlee:
Right. And things that plug holes. Well, that was very, uh, relevant. That was very apropos there, Lis. But, you understand what I am saying.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
When you are trying to fill that loneliness void and mask it with unhealthy behaviors.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
You are not doing yourself a service and you are certainly not making yourself more attractive to a viable partner. That's for sure.
Lis:
Uh, you got it.
Marlee:
Right? So we're going to end this by saying that when you are comfortable being on your own, recognizing what you offer and knowing your value, because I think when you are on your own, you really do get a true sense of your value. It is going to put you in a much better position, I think, to find a partner that is going to respect you, going to honor you, going to value you, and going to actually fulfill the wants and needs that you have.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis. It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships.
Today's topic, When a Partner Wants You to Spend Money You Don't Have on a Wedding.
Lis:
This is a big one.
Marlee:
This is a huge one. And I don't think a lot of people understand how telling this is. Weddings are a one-time deal.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It's a ceremony and then a party. The idea of going into debt for something like a wedding is a serious red flag. It indicates extreme immaturity if you demand that a partner spend money that you guys don't have just for a party.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It's also thoughtless, selfish and again, a very poor financial decision. The strength of a relationship has no bearing on the size or cost of a wedding.
Lis:
Nope.
Marlee:
It is not symbolic of anything. Couples that need weddings to be happy will not have a long-term relationship.
Lis:
Nope.
Marlee:
A wedding is merely one day in the life of your relationship.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It is not the entire relationship. When someone cares more about planning the wedding instead of the foundations of the relationship and being respectful of financial boundaries, it is a red flag that should not be ignored. I cannot emphasize this enough.
Lis:
Nope.
Marlee:
If two partners cannot agree on what their wedding should look like then it signals a lack of communication, empathy, and understanding. Beginning a life together should be based on mutual respect and trust. Asking, demanding, or manipulating your partner into spending money or taking out loans for a big affair is a huge mistake, and it should be seen as what it is, which is that the party or the image of your relationship is more important than the actual relationship itself.
Lis:
You've got it. You've got it.
Marlee:
It will create resentment in the short term as well as in the long term. No party is worth going into debt or not having money available for a home, for your health needs, and for the future family you may create.
Lis:
Wow. Nailed it. Those were great.
Marlee:
Thank you.
Lis:
Those were great.
If we're talking about you getting married, the time is now to start having some serious financial conversations. There is so much pressure that goes into planning a wedding, it easily gets out of control. Especially when outside voices a.k.a. relatives come into the picture. Set your boundaries and know your budget. Going into debt to have a wedding that lasts for literally one day is not a smart way to start your lives together. If anything, it adds to the arguments. So, I think you and I are totally on the same page.
Going into debt for a wedding is absolutely a huge red flag and a mistake that could cost you a lifetime together.
Marlee:
Absolutely. I do not understand this idea that people think that the wedding and how over the top it is, is somehow a signal of how great their relationship is.
Lis:
One hundred percent. It's not a reflection of your happiness.
Marlee:
That's right, and so the idea that you are trying to create this image for everybody else.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Instead of thinking about the self-preservation of your relationship.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
And how important it is to make sure that you guys start off on as strong a footing as possible, including financial footing, right?
Lis:
You’ve got it.
Marlee:
It's crazy to me that anybody knowing that their partner cares more about the party and more about the image and trying to impress others versus going into a long-term life together on a smart financial footing…run the other way.
Lis:
Run!
Marlee:
Run!
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.Romancipation.com.
Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast, please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify. Reviews let Apple know that great listeners, like you, enjoy our show, and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again, and stay Romancipated.