S5 Episode 10: You Cannot Change the Rules of the Relationship Just Because You’re Losing
Episode Summary
As a relationship evolves, the power dynamic can shift between the two partners. Sometimes this shift in power produces positive outcomes like increased trust, empathy or teamwork. Unfortunately, the more common outcome is the dominant partner feeling threatened by the change.
Instead of embracing the power shift, they attempt to maintain the upper hand in the relationship by changing the relationship rules. This type of behavior is counter-productive and detrimental to the relationship. It creates instant feeling of resentment in your partner and will end up creating conflict.
Issuing ultimatums as a way of getting what you want is another thoughtless way to approach your partner. It signals desperation and will not get you what you ultimately want. Unless you are willing to follow through with a threat or demand, it is foolish and short-sighted to force your partner into a corner.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how quickly a work spouse can wreak havoc in a relationship.
Show Notes
As new elements are added to your relationship, it’s normal to see a shift in the rules. They are meant to be dynamic, so they evolve. But the reality is that in almost all relationships, one member tends to have a little more power. But when this person starts to lose power, they may feel inclined to change the rules. This is detrimental to a relationship.
Rules and boundaries can be altered, but it has to be communicated and agreed upon from both sides. Making unilateral decisions that serve only you is an unfair move. People who do this might think it helps them keep their power, but in reality, it will breed anger and resentment while souring your relationship.
Giving ultimatums and demands is trying to force another person’s behavior, and if you aren’t willing to follow through with the consequences or the outcome, you’ll lose your credibility. This signals something desperate is going on in the relationship, and it’s an unhealthy play for power.
Before you try to shift the rules in your relationship, ask yourself if you’re willing to follow through. By showing your dissatisfaction, you may be letting more out than you think, and there’s no telling what the situation might become. People can be very unpredictable when you try to change the rules on them.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When your partner has a work spouse. It’s a common occurrence—many people end up with a work spouse in the workplace. However, when a work spouse’s emotional support exceeds that of the actual partner, trouble almost always ensues. Appropriate boundaries need to be established with the work spouse before it evolves into an emotional affair.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
On today's episode, You Can't Change the Relationship Rules Just Because You're Losing.
Lis:
Really? No, I'm kidding.
Marlee:
Really. You can't. So this topic comes from a common experience that I think a lot of people have as relationships evolve. When you start off in a relationship,
you tend to be on the same page, or at least hopefully you're on the same page.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
But as new elements get added to your relationship, there tends to be shifts in terms of the rules, right? They're dynamic, they evolve.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
There's also the reality that in almost all relationships, even though the ideal
is to strive for a sense of equality. A true partnership.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
The fact is one member of the relationship always tends to have a little more power.
Lis:
Yeah. I think that ebbs and flows. Yeah.
Marlee:
Yeah. It ebbs and flows depending on the circumstances, depending on what the topic is. But in general, one person in the relationship tends to get what they want more than the other.
Would you say that's fair?
Lis:
Yeah, I think that's fair.
Marlee:
Okay. And this is what this sort of concept is addressing is that often the individual who tends to maintain the power advantage…when they see themselves losing that advantage, they kind of change the rules of the game, so to speak.
Lis:
Got it.
Marlee:
So…
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
That I think is a toxic way of being.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
I think it's a very human way of being and I think it's very normal for people to not want to lose that power, but it is so detrimental to the health of the relationship.
Lis:
Yeah, absolutely.
Marlee:
You can absolutely alter the boundaries and the rules of your relationship.
But it has to be something that's communicated. It has to be something that is agreed upon. It can't be something that you unilaterally decide because it benefits you.
Lis:
Well, I think that's a really good point. And I think, I mean, boundaries are dynamic, right? They're always going to be shifting.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
And they're always going to be evolving. It's really in the communication piece of how it is a healthy shift. Right?
Marlee:
Yeah. So look, I'll give you some examples, okay?
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
You might start off in a monogamous relationship and both people agree, and then one partner decides, you know what? They want an open relationship.
They don't get to just go to that person and go, by the way, I've decided since I'm not getting enough sex from you, I now want an open relationship. I want to be able to stay in a relationship with you, but also have sex with another person. You don't get to just make that that shift.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
What you need to do is you need to go to your partner and say, Hey, listen, I feel that my sexual needs aren't being met.
And you know what? I am trying to come up with ways that we can work through this. Are you willing to maybe give me more sex? Are you open to the idea that maybe because you don't want to give me more sex, that we bring in another person into the picture who's willing to like, satisfy those needs that I may have or those wants, but, but you make it an open dialogue and discussion.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And then your partner has the ability to say, Hmm, you know what? That does sound like it's mutually beneficial. I get more sleep. I don't have to deal with you. Sure. Or absolutely not. We're in a monogamous relationship. We agreed to that.
Lis:
That's what we signed up for.
Marlee:
And you know, we're going to, we're going to have to work through it and we're going to have to compromise.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Another example is when finances change. Somebody traditionally is the breadwinner and they have a lot of say over how the money is spent.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And all of a sudden, their partner starts becoming economically viable.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And the power dynamic shifts. And now they want to have say over both people's money when they didn't let it be a mutual discussion and a mutual decision making process when it was them bringing in the money. Right?
Lis:
Yeah, that's a good example. That happens.
Marlee:
So that's like another example of where they start to feel they're losing, so they all of a sudden want to make this sort of rule change.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Another example would be when children enter into the relationship or a pet. Both parties usually agree that they wanted children.
It takes two people to create a child.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Again, with a pet, only one person needs to go and adopt one or buy one. But the point is we can use the, the pet as well as, you know, the human child.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Once you make that joint decision, there is obviously going to be a certain division of labor that just kind of happens naturally.
Lis:
Responsibility. Absolutely.
Marlee:
Certainly like a woman as she is gestating…
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
You know, the fetus, obviously the pregnancy's going to be much more on her physically.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
But that doesn't mean that her partner can't like step up and do other things to make things more even, more comfortable. But once the baby's born, there are a lot of partnerships where the man will say, oh, the baby's crying at night.
You get up and take care of it, and again, it's like, because they don't want to lose sleep.
Lis:
I'm literally sitting here shaking my head. I bring that crying baby right into bed and be like, let's both do this by friend.
Marlee:
But, that's my point.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Is that you don't get to agree to create a child.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
And not be willing to take on joint responsibility. You don't get to just change the rules because you're no longer in a position of power to say, oh no, now it's all your responsibility.
Lis:
That’s right.
Marlee:
Or like with the pet, you don't get to say, yeah, let's get a pet. And then every time the pet needs to be walked or go to the vet or get its nails clipped or whatever, it's like, oh, that's your responsibility.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
You both agreed to do it.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
So these are the kinds of things that you need to address with open communication.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
Because if you don't, instant resentment follows.
Lis:
Sure it does. Yeah. Of course.
Marlee:
The moment somebody changes the rules of the game so that it only benefits them.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
The partner that's not receiving the benefit, you better believe that the anger and the resentment is going to be almost instantaneous.
So that's the first thing. The other thing is when you make a demand instead of a request. It's never going to result in what you want in the long term.
Lis:
No, no.
Marlee:
It's always a sort of short-lived victory, so to speak. This is again, where the concept of ultimatums, because I feel that ultimatums or where you kind of like shift the relationship really quick.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
You're sort of like, you do A or B is going to happen.
Lis:
Well, right. It's like a threat towards the other person.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Like you're basically saying if you don't follow through with this request or demand.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
We're done.
Marlee:
It's a demand because a request is something that basically gives the person the opportunity to say, yes I want to fulfill that request.
Lis:
Options. you're right.
Marlee:
Or I don't. A demand is like you do it or else.
Lis:
Well, you're trying to force somebody else's behavior's, not your own.
Marlee:
You’re right. And you know what? The moment you issue an ultimatum to a partner, I'll tell you right now, if you're not willing to follow through with your threat…
Lis:
Oh, follow through is everything. It's key.
Marlee:
You better not have the balls to issue that ultimatum.
Lis:
Well, you might not like the consequence or the outcome.
Marlee:
That’s right.
Lis:
Because I can tell you what, if somebody's issuing me an ultimatum and they're not willing to follow through. I, yeah…
Marlee:
Yeah. I mean, listen, ultimatums and changing the rules, they're both such disrespectful behaviors towards your partner.
And you know what? It often signals that there's something desperate going on.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Because I feel like it's a very desperate move to issue an ultimatum.
Lis:
Well, it's like a power control. A power struggle.
Marlee:
Like it's a power play. Yeah, absolutely. And it's unhealthy. And you know what? Even if you do issue an ultimatum and the person ends up giving in, again, it's going to be temporary.
Lis:
Oh yeah.
Marlee:
Because people, when they give into ultimatums, instant resentment.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And boy will they find ways to get back at you. And they'll be justified because you forced them into a corner.
Lis:
Oh yeah. You're trying to exert control over them.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
That's the way I would look at it. You are trying to control some aspect of this relationship.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
You're trying to control me. You're trying to control this behavior. I mean, when you set a boundary, a boundary is healthy.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Trying to like force control on somebody else, not healthy.
Marlee:
Well, listen, ultimatums almost always result in retaliation.
Lis:
Yeah, of course.
Marlee:
That's just the truth.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
That's the truth.
So I want people to really think about what the red flags are in this kind of scenario.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
I would never accept somebody issuing an ultimatum to me, except in a very unique situation of, You stop doing drugs or I'm leaving.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
You stop spending all our money on your sailboat or I'm leaving, so there can be very reasonable ultimatums.
Lis:
But again, you have to follow through on those.
Marlee:
Yes, you do. That's right. I mean those are self-preservation.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
There are times when ultimatums have a place.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
It is in very rare circumstances.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Most of the time ultimatums are issued in situations that are unnecessary, and like you said, the person's not willing to follow through and then they've lost all credibility.
Lis:
I mean, listen, I have kids. You have kids. Think about the times that you've issued an ultimatum, and if you're not willing to follow through on that puppy…
Marlee:
Yep.
Lis:
They're going right back to that behavior. Right.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
It's the exact same kind of thing. You have to really think about what type of scenario that you're offering the ultimatum. But again, if you are not willing to follow through and see it through, they're just going to keep continuing to do the behavior that prompted it anyway.
Marlee:
That's right. And guess what? If you do try to change the rules or issue an ultimatum, you've kind of let the dogs out and you truly don't know what’s going to result. And that’s the truth.
Lis:
Right. Cause now you've shown your dissatisfaction. You, you've put them on alert, right?
Marlee:
Well, there's that, but also people can be very unpredictable when you change rules on them. You might think that by changing the rule, you've maintained the advantage, but you're then underselling your partner.
Cause I’ve got to tell you, there's a lot of men who have done this whole sort of relationship rule shift because they felt they were losing the power.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And women are very crafty. No, they are.
Lis:
We are, we are a crafty bunch.
Marlee:
And in the moment, the women might say like, they kind of give in, but they didn't give in. The resistance that they are building is going to come back and bite that guy in the ass.
Hard. Hard. I mean, it really does come back to is there respect in the relationship?
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Is there communication? Is there empathy? Is there personal responsibility? Is there accountability? These are the types of things, that if they're missing in the relationship, you're going to find these types of shenanigans.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When Your Partner has a Work Spouse.
Lis:
I feel like this is such a common topic nowadays.
Marlee:
It's a common occurrence.
Lis:
Yes, it's like a common occurrence.
Lis:
Like I feel like, yeah. Okay. I'm excited to hear what you have to say about this.
Marlee:
Oh, you want me to go first?
Lis:
Yeah. Or either way. Okay.
Marlee:
So, I'll just say this is a very common occurrence. Many people end up with an individual, they share a common experience within the workplace. However, there's a difference between a professional ally and a person that can interfere in your romantic relationship.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
When the work spouse becomes a source of emotional support that exceeds that of the primary partner. Trouble almost always ensues.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
There always needs to be appropriate boundaries established with the work spouse. If the work spouse becomes too familiar with the inner workings of the primary relationship outside of the workplace, it can become a slippery slope to evolving into an emotional affair. If your partner compares you to their work spouse,
it's a red flag. If your partner becomes secretive or possessive of their work spouse. It's a red flag if your partner shares intimate details about you and your relationship with their work spouse. It is a red flag. When your partners on the phone or spends time after work with their work spouse, and it is not work related.
It is a red flag. A work spouse that violates the boundaries of your relationship with your primary partner is absolutely trying to enter into emotional affair territory.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
If your partner is violating the trust in your relationship by having too much of an emotional reliance on their work spouse, it is a red flag.
So, I also just want to say that there is a difference between having that professional ally, the person where you are both experiencing the same work environment, the same pressures, the same stressors. Maybe you're on the same team, you know the same players.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
That is a very different thing. To be sort of being supportive of one another and acting as a person that you can confide in about work-related stuff.
That's very different. I don't have a problem with that kind of work spouse. I have a problem when the work spouse’s conversations and sharing leave the topic of the workspace and come into the private realm of the primary romantic relationship that you share with your partner. That to me is when it becomes very dangerous.
Lis:
No, I think you made some really, really good points. And I think that, so like you, I think that this is a situation where it's super important to set boundaries in your relationship.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
So if you see something or feel uncomfortable with something happening, I actually think that that's a really good opportunity for you to sit down with your partner and say, this is making me really uncomfortable.
Because you need to like nip that one in the bud. Okay. So I do think that some people are much more likely to admit doing something stupid to their work spouse because they really want their partner to see them in their best light. Right? Like I, you can see how certain things like start to evolve and unfold. And in your head, when you rationalize it, you're giving yourself the reasoning why you’re kind of forming this bond with this other person.
Marlee:
Sure.
Lis:
If your partner is chatting intimately about his or her life more to his or her work wife or spouse than you, your relationship is a major danger.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Yes. It's such an emotional betrayal and I think that that, you made such a great point when you said that before.
I think you know, once you start to leave the realm of talking about work-related things, which actually can be very productive and go into the intimate crossing boundaries of your personal relationship. Huge, huge emotional betrayal.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
From my perspective. I think people often tend to develop romantic feelings for platonic friends over time. Right?
Marlee:
Yep.
Lis:
I think that that consistently happens. If one of you falls for the other and it's not reciprocated, think about it this way. Every day at work will become torture.
Marlee:
Yeah. Oh, oh my goodness. Yeah, that's a great point.
Lis:
So I feel like, I feel like the whole work spouse, once you cross those boundaries that you really made clearer in your vents, I think you really need to be careful because you don't want to have to go into an office every day feeling just terrible. I don't know. I feel like this is such a slippery slope and I think that it does, it is so common you hear about it so often.
Marlee:
I agree. I like what you just said. I think the best way you can avoid falling into this trap is to really established boundaries with a work colleague and see them as a work support system.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
But not as a psychologist or…
Lis:
A lifeline.
Marlee:
A friend or a lifeline.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Or an advice giver on romance.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Which I think is where you start getting that slippery slope.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
So I think you need to establish these boundaries and keep it professional because it can end up taking you down a path you do not want to go down.
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.Romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released.
Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast, please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify. Reviews let Apple know that great listeners like you enjoy our show and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again and stay Romancipated.