S4 Episode 9: You Can Have It All in a Relationship, Just Not All at Once
Episode Summary
Believing you can have it all in a relationship is realistic, as long as you accept that it will probably not happen at the same time. There will be points in a romantic relationship where certain priorities the couple has identified take precedence over others. Whether it is romance, sex, financial security, family, travel, hobbies or sleep, there will never be enough hours in the day to fully satisfy all of the daily responsibilities that come with life.
The important thing is being on the same page as your partner. If the two of you have built a strong foundation of respect, communication, trust and acceptance in your relationship, it will be easier to plan and work together to meet your personal and relationship goals. Working cooperatively can help you achieve your relationship wants and needs in a more efficient manner.
Each life stage offers the chance to shift your attention. Just make sure that if you focus on building financial security, you do not completely ignore your familial responsibilities. Shifting a focus is not the same as neglecting your partner’s wants and needs. Balance and realistic expectations are what keep a relationship from imploding.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss when men’s refusal to ask for help can end up creating bigger issues down the line.
Show Notes
In our society there’s a commonly held belief that you can have it all. Yes, you can have it all in a relationship, just not all at once. It’s going to come at different points in a relationship, and there’s a time and place for everything.
It takes time to construct the life you really want, and that’s where the foundation of your relationship comes in. A strong foundation sets the tone to build what you envision for your future. But keep in mind that different parts of your relationship will be stronger than others depending on the current stage you are in.
Agreeing to focus on an aspect of your life with your partner can help you flourish in that area, whether that’s intimacy, quality time, or focusing on your kids. Nothing can be perfect all of the time, but if you make a part of your lives a priority together, you can make the most of it. Balance is key in a relationship, and with balance comes compromise.
You may feel under pressure to accomplish certain things in your life, so you put unrealistic expectations on yourself. As a result, you feel dissatisfied with where you are in life. If this resonates with you, something has to give. Otherwise, you put your relationship in jeopardy to explode.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When men’s stubbornness stops them from asking for help fixing things. Some men feel like they should know how to fix something just because they are men. They don’t want to show weakness, or they can become blinded to the fact that other courses of action – like finding an expert or hiring help – could be a better option.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
On today's episode, You Can Have it All in a Relationship, Just Not Necessarily All at Once.
Lis:
Yeah, right on.
Marlee:
I think that we are now at a point in society where the message is being sent that you can have it all. If you just work hard enough, if you just play smart enough, if you just do certain X, Y, and Z, you can have it all.
And I think that a lot of people get this message shoved down their throats, especially when it comes to romantic relationships.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And I as a Romancipated individual call bullshit. I don't think you can have it all at once. I think you can have it all in a relationship, but I think that it's going to come at different points of the relationship.
Lis:
Totally.
Marlee:
And that's one of the reasons why you and I are always emphasizing the importance of the foundational aspects of a relationship because I think when you have a strong foundation, when you have that trust, when you have that respect, when you have the communication and the empathy and you're accountable to one another and you know you accept one another and you accept personal responsibility, you have all of the building blocks to really start to build whatever it is the two of you envision for your future.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
And so for example, in the beginning you'll have people at the dating stage where they're looking for this perfect mate, and you and I have talked about diamonds in the rough.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Sometimes the perfect person is right in front of you. They just haven't been fully polished.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
You know?
Lis:
Got it. Yes.
Marlee:
We've talked about people who go for the aspirational traits instead of the foundational traits. Again, you know, they're focusing on the wrong things. We've had lots of discussions about sex. Right? And again, in the importance of sex in a relationship. There's a time and a place for everything.
So I want to talk about the importance of couples focusing on creating the building blocks: education, professional success, families, interpersonal relationships. All of these things that you can add to the foundation of shared beliefs, shared financial philosophies, emotional support, things that each of you can give to one another.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
That allow you to construct the life that you want. Right? Let's take focusing on wealth building for many people when you're younger and you're putting all your time and energy into financial security. Right?
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
You might miss out on family time.
Lis:
Yes. And that happens a lot.
Marlee:
Right. And you can't really focus on your children.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Your sex life may suffer. Right? When you focus on each other. And you're really building those interpersonal bonds, maybe your friendships suffer.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Maybe you're so focused on the relationship. We've talked about that.
Lis:
We have talked about that.
Marlee:
About where people get into relationships and then they kind of like drop their friends.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Right? So again, as you're starting to build things and you really focus. You might end up kind of neglecting the other aspects of having it all.
Lis:
Right. And like think about it almost as like an orbit, right?
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
I mean you've got like all of these different pieces of the pie, but not everything is going to be at a hundred percent…
Marlee:
At each point.
Lis:
At each point.
Marlee:
We also talk about relationship stages, so maybe earlier in the relationship the sex is out of control.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
And you're like bunnies, you're doing it nonstop. And then the kids come and all of a sudden you don't have the energy to do it like bunnies. Right?
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Now you're doing it like what's an animal that mates once a year?
Lis:
I don’t know. A sloth?
Marlee:
A sloth. Now you're doing it like a sloth. Okay. And then when the kids are out the house, you get back into it.
Maybe you're not bunnies anymore, but you’re like dogs.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
You go into your cycles of heat.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
You, you know what I mean? You really have to be aware of what your focus is in the moment and the impact that's having on your relationship. But if you both have agreed that there's going to be an emphasis on a certain aspect of your lives together.
Then you have to be accepting of that, and you have to understand that everything isn't going to be perfect all the time.
Lis:
Well, and I think you made such a good point, but I do think that so many people have such unrealistic expectations of themselves.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Of their relationship. Of what they can contribute, and I think at a certain given point in time, and I think that that's why a lot of people end up feeling unsatisfied and unhappy and they're thinking that everything has to be exactly perfect all of the time, and nothing is perfect. And you know the amount of time that you have to give to any particular area of your life isn't infinite. It's finite. Like you only have a certain amount of number of hours in a day.
Marlee:
I agree.
Lis:
And you can only give so much of yourself to one particular thing.
And I think you know, it is very common for women and men to feel unsatisfied with the amount of time that they have to put into different areas of their life.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
To your point, having great communication and understanding that, maybe one person is working out of the home and maybe one person's responsibility is taking care of the home.
And so when that person comes home, they may not have a whole lot left to give at the end of the day where the person that has been at home maybe needs it and craves it and needs that attention.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
So, there is a bit of a disconnect at certain parts of your life, and I think that having that communication, will alleviate extra stresses that you don't have to have.
Marlee:
Well, I think that was a great example, and I think balance is key in a relationship.
Lis:
Balance. Yes.
Marlee:
And balance often means compromise.
Lis:
Compromise. Yes. You’re right.
Marlee:
And that means you're not going to have it all.
Lis:
You're not going to have it.
Marlee:
You're not have it all in that moment. Right?
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Also, with time, I feel like there's a lot of people that at different points in their lives, they feel a certain time pressure.
Right? To do certain things.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And they think that if I don't have A, B, and C, right? If by the time I'm 35, I'm not married with children and a career. And they put these unrealistic expectations and pressures on themselves.
Lis:
It’s stressful.
Marlee:
And then like you said, they become so dissatisfied when they wake up one day and they realize, yeah, I can't do all this.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Something's going to give. There's only so many, hours in the day. Something has to give. And what they don't recognize is that the relationship is going to implode because they have put too many pressures and stressors on the relationship. Instead, what they need to do is, communicate, compromise, and recognize that at different points in the relationship, they will be able to experience some of what they want, but not everything in that moment.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
So, for example, you're building the financial health of your relationship. Maybe that means earlier in your relationship when everybody's younger and there's less money you have to go without. Right. You have to sacrifice or compromise on certain things, but while later in life you will be able to have more financial freedom.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
To make certain choices.
Lis:
You got it.
Marlee:
So these are real life things that people need to think about and they need to stop putting the pressure on themselves to have it all because it's just, it's ludicrous. It’s a ludicrous concept.
Lis:
Well, it’s external pressure too.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
It's not just like an internal pressure.
Marlee:
No, I agree.
Lis:
I do feel like society in general puts all of these things.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
I mean, you mentioned even being 35 and having checked off all those boxes. I feel like society has told, I mean, particularly women.
Marlee:
Women, right? Yep.
Lis:
Because you get to a certain biological clock and all of a sudden some of those things are no longer possible.
And you know, I do feel like that just escalates the pressure that women typically feel because they do feel like they can't do it after a certain period of time.
Marlee:
That's right, and what you and I are saying is a Romancipated person, particularly a Romancipated woman, recognizes she cannot do it all. Not because she's not capable, it's because no human is capable of doing it all in one moment in time.
You are not going to be at the top of your profession and a perfect parent and a perfect mate, and a perfect caregiver to like maybe elderly family members, you know, and a perfect friend and a perfect housekeeper. You are not going to be able to do those things. There's not enough time or energy.
Something is going to end up falling off the list. Even if you are fortunate enough to be able to pay other people to help alleviate some of those burdens, you still have the emotional, even if you may be physically aren't cleaning or you physically aren't caring for an elderly relative, or you're physically maybe not doing a lot of child care.
You are still going to be emotionally overburdening yourself. You are putting unrealistic expectations on yourself and you will implode, your relationship will implode. And the same thing I will say with men. They put weird pressure on themselves to be these financial dynamos.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
To be these, protectors, these individuals that somehow always have the right answer will always lead the family to like the promised land. Not true.
Lis:
Nope.
Marlee:
It's just unrealistic. So these pressures to have it all, you know, all at once, it's B.S.! Become Romancipated. Recognize that if you and your partner both agree on what you define as having it all, you can have it all throughout the entire course of your relationship and your life.
Lis:
I love that.
Marlee:
But the chances of you having it all in that one particular moment are slim to, none.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When Men's Stubbornness Stops Them from Asking for Help Fixing Things.
Oh, Lis, I know you have a lot to say on this.
Lis:
This one actually makes me laugh because even if my husband might not totally agree, he knows.
Marlee:
Oh, okay. I want to hear what you have to say.
Lis:
I think it's actually just kind of hardwired in men that they should know how to fix something just because they're men.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And let's be honest, that does not always happen.
Marlee:
No.
Lis:
I am actually kind of the fixer. I can put together any Ikea, anything any given day.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
They feel good when they've fixed something or solved a problem. I think men just have this like natural inclination that even if they can't do something, it just makes them feel good to like problem solve in certain ways.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
Maybe it's just the way their brains are wired. I don't know. There is a fear and insecurity of not knowing how to do something that they think they should and they don't want to show a weakness.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Maybe he's blinded by his own abilities and unable to see that other courses of action that are in the best interests of the project, like, I don't know, hiring an expert.
Um, not to mention the wreckage and cleanup left behind after said project. I can't actually tell you the number of times that they think maybe it's a good idea to start something. And then halfway through the project they realized like not really their thing. And it's like the entire thing has now been dismantled.
Marlee:
Yeah. No, I mean...
Lis:
I'm like, this one just kind of makes me giggle because I mean, listen, not everybody's good at everything. Stay in your lane.
Marlee:
Yeah, no, I hear you. So it's funny because I know you kind of took this one literally in many ways.
Lis:
I did.
Marlee:
And I sort of went in a different direction.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
I have some a little different but, I mean like, no, but I love yours. I thought they were great.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
Okay, so I'm going to sort of continue on your theme. It often creates additional expense that was unnecessary when it comes to, say, for example, home or car repairs.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It can also create additional cost when it involves something that involves, I don't know, like late fees or change fees or hiring a professional.
I think it can be incredibly disrespectful to the partner because the person, usually a man, believes that they are the authority over what needs to be done to solve or fix an issue. And those issues can be in the home, it can be in the family. It can be an emotional or a mental issue. Do you know what I mean?
Lis:
Yeah. You’re right.
Marlee:
Like it doesn't have to just be like fixing a broken sink. I think it often causes resentment and conflict in the relationship. I think it can also be a very immature and thoughtless behavior on the person who absolutely refuses to ask for help in fixing things. I think it can turn a minor issue into a major one.
Lis:
Oh yeah.
Marlee:
I think this behavior, if left unchecked, can lead to health issues. For example, if the person doesn't go to the doctor to deal with something serious, because again, they don't want. You know, help with getting something fixed maybe in them.
Lis:
Good point.
Marlee:
It can lead to financial issues.
Let's say the person is not honest, that they've created either intentionally or unintentionally debt or poor investments. Which then directly impact the relationship and they need help, professional help probably to, you know, untie some of the situation they've created that they're either too embarrassed or stubborn to get in somebody who can help.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
What I had mentioned before, emotional issues, things like mental health, depression, anxiety. Again, these things can have a huge impact on the relationship, the partnership and the family.
Lis:
Definitely.
Marlee:
And if somebody is being too stubborn to ask for help in trying to fix these things.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
It has huge consequences and then of course what, you also talked about like items in the home that don't function properly. You know, I mean, again, it's like that can be very costly and cause incredible inconvenience to everybody.
Lis:
That's right. Yeah.
Marlee:
So I find that very, very frustrating.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
I also think that the behavior fosters distrust in the relationship. It often signals poor communication in the relationship.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And I think if you're in a relationship, you should trust the person that you're with enough to help you if you need it. It's never a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength if you are willing to let your partner know that you need help.
Everybody, like you said, needs help at times.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
And whether it's, you know, help with like a malfunctioning toilet or help with like dealing with, say the death of a loved one.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Asking for help actually shows incredible strength.
Lis:
I think, so too.
Marlee:
It doesn't show weakness, and I wish that more people understood that.
Lis:
No. I do too. I love where you took that, Marlee.
Marlee:
Thank you.
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.Romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released.
Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast, please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify. Reviews let Apple know that great listeners like you enjoy our show and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again and stay Romancipated.