S3 Episode 2: Words are Free, Actions are Costly
Episode Summary
When it comes to romantic relationships, people place way too much stock in what another person says instead of what the individual actually does. Too many people have let slip the “I love you” when they did not mean it. Why? Because it is easy to say, tends to get you what you want in the moment and often buys you time in a relationship. A Romancipated person will never accept words without action and behavior that is consistent with the sentiments expressed.
Any romantic relationship that is mutually beneficial is based on respect, trust, communication and boundaries. In other words, it takes effort on both peoples’ part to make a relationship work. Moreover, behavior signals intent and motivation. Actions let a person know if they are valued, cherished and wanted. Regardless if the actions are grand or small, they speak volumes as to how your partner really feels about you and the relationship.
Actions and behavior can also send clear messages of disrespect, dishonesty, and a lack of loyalty. Phrases like: “I can change”, “I am sorry”, “It will never happen again” only have meaning if there is follow-through and the person does not repeat the behavior. Do not fall victim to hearing what you want or desperately need to hear from your partner. Instead look beyond the words for validation of their true feelings. It may end up saving your life.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how people will change their political or social world view to please a partner.
Show Notes
So many people fall victim to other people's words because they put so much emphasis on what someone says rather than the way they actually behave. You should never take someone at their word. Judge your partner on their actions. Saying “I love you” is not the same as treating you with respect and honesty.
“I’m sorry,” “I can change,” and “I promise” are worthless statements unless there is some sort of follow through. Some people will lie to their partners simply to appease them. It costs them nothing emotionally to lie and say what you want to hear. Actions take thought, effort, and follow-through—that’s why they are costly.
Taking action doesn’t have to come in the form of grand gestures. The action taken can be small and still be meaningful. You can learn a lot about someone's character by how they behave towards others, despite what they say.
Of course, actions can be positive and negative. What really matters the most is intent. For example, if your partner is jealous, they may claim it’s because they care about you a lot. In reality, their intent is to control you. Consider action and the intent behind it over what’s being said.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When people change their political or social views to please a partner. It shows a lack of critical thought, and a lack of a backbone. If your partner insists you share the same views with them, it’s a red flag. If you’re afraid to disagree, it may be a sign of abuse. You can love your partner without silencing yourself, and love does not require complete conformity.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
Today's topic, Words are Free, Actions are Costly.
Lis:
Yeah, they are.
Marlee:
Okay, so. I really want to talk about this because I do think that so many people fall victim to another person's words.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
You know, they rely so much on what somebody says even though there's never any action or behavior that backs up those words.
Lis:
Yep. You're right.
Marlee:
So, I want to start by saying, never take a partner at their word unless it's actually backed up by actions. “I love you” means nothing if you're not treated with respect and honesty. “I promise” needs to be supported by follow through. “I can change” is worthless unless there's a change in the behavior.
Lis:
You're right.
Marlee:
“I am sorry for” needs to have a full understanding of why you actually needed to apologize and not just say those words to placate somebody. There should also be an effort that you don't repeat the same behavior or offense for which you had to apologize in the first place,
Lis:
I'm laughing, but it's so true.
Marlee:
And so these are all examples of phrases that people put so much stock in.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And I don't know why they do if it's not backed up by action and by behavior.
Lis:
Well, because people lie all the time to appease somebody else.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
I mean, that's just the reality. Sure, sure, sure. Yeah. I mean it, I mean it. You don't mean it unless you actually act on it.
Marlee:
That's right. So, but I, I tell you, Lis, I don't understand why so many people don't get, it is free, meaning it costs you nothing emotionally to lie.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And to just say whatever the person wants to hear.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
While actions actually take thought, they take effort. They take follow through. That's why they're costly. They're costly in terms of your emotional energy. They can sometimes be costly in terms of financial energy. They can be costly in terms of like your physical energy.
Lis:
I do.
Marlee:
They actually take something. So I will never understand that. It's so easy to say things just to get what you want.
Lis:
For sure.
Marlee:
When you actively have to behave in a manner that's consistent with what you say, it takes a huge amount of effort.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And it actually will then have consequences.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
I think this is so common, especially at the beginning of relationships.
Lis:
Oh my gosh. Absolutely.
Marlee:
When people make promises to another person to get something from them.
Lis:
Oh, like what?
Marlee:
Oh, I don't know…maybe sex. But they'll say things like, I love you, when they couldn't possibly love the person, or I don't need to use a condom. I'm safe. You know? I mean, it's like okay, that's great that you say it, but I'm saying that doesn't matter if you are, you're still going to use a condom because I need you to take that action.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
To actually back up the fact that you respect my boundaries and care about my health.
Lis:
No, I think you're totally right. Listen, there's a reason why the phrase actions speak louder than words is so prevalent in society. It's not because somebody made it up thinking, if you tell me you love me, don't show it. Just tell me you love me as you're walking out the door. No, you have to back up the words that you're using…
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
In every aspect of your life.
Marlee:
Thank you.
Lis:
And specifically, in relationships and partnerships.
Marlee:
Yes. And it can be small gestures.
Lis:
Small gestures. It doesn't have to be this grandiose. It doesn't be grand.
Marlee:
That's right. It doesn't be this grand gesture. It’s the small gestures. Just respectful actions, respectful behavior, showing up on time.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Following through, if you said you were going to do something, if you said you were going to pick up the dry cleaning, pick it up. If you said that you were going to like watch a certain movie with a person.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Actually, watch it. Make time. Be thoughtful.
Lis:
I think you can learn a lot about someone's character by watching how they behave towards others.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
Right? I mean, watching how they act in a relationship, watching how they act in a restaurant when you're out eating, you know, with people that are serving you.
Marlee:
How they treat their family.
Lis:
How they treat their family.
Marlee:
Someone says, oh, I'm so close to my family, and then they never talk to them.
Lis:
Right. Or somebody says, or when they get together and they treat them like dog food.
Marlee:
Yeah. I was going to say, oh, I really respect women. And then you see them put their mother down.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Words mean nothing unless they're backed up by actions. The most powerful gestures in a relationship can show love. They can show respect, but they can also show indifference and an incredible lack of respect. And a lack of empathy.
Lis:
That's so right.
Marlee:
So actions show a lot.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Even more so than words. I can't stress that enough. And I will often say to people, you should only accept action as proof of intention.
Lis:
It's good.
Marlee:
So no, seriously. So like actions, behaviors, they always have to be viewed through this lens of intent. What is the actual intent of the person? Not the outcome of the action.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Because sometimes you might do something with a certain intent and the outcome doesn't actually happen the way you intended it.
Lis:
I was going to say exactly. Sure, sure.
Marlee:
But you've got to like, look at the actual behavior. The actual action. People should not confuse intent with motivation, which so many people do, because even though people use those two terms interchangeably, they are very distinct concepts.
Lis:
Okay. I think you're going to have to maybe explain that a little.
Marlee:
Yeah, I'm going to. Motive deals with an individual's underlying reasons for committing a behavior. Okay. Whereas intent is concerned with their willingness to actually carry out specific actions related to the behavior.
Lis:
Okay. Give a real-life example on that one because I feel like, I think people would still be confused by that.
Marlee:
Okay.
Lis:
It seems very legal.
Marlee:
So a real life example of motive. If you want your partner to buy you a specific gift and instead of saying to them, for our anniversary or for my birthday, I would like you to buy me A, B, or C.
They drop hints. They try to manipulate the situation so that the person will come up with the idea themselves, so their motive is that they want a specific gift, right?
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
But the way they're behaving towards their partner, is a manipulation, in an attempt to get that gift versus just saying, can you please get me this specific thing.
Lis:
Right. I love this sweater from Jenny Kane. Pick it up.
Marlee:
That's right, that's right. Yeah, exactly. And then intent is different in that it's how are they actually willing to manipulate the person.
Lis:
Right, right.
Marlee:
Do you understand? To get what they want. So are they going to manipulate with sex if they know that if they give a lot of sexual favors, the person's more likely to spend more money, right? The intent behind, they're being very open to sexual favors, isn't because they actually want to please their partner. Right. It's they're intent because they want something from it.
Right, the intent behind, they're being very open to sexual favors, isn't because they actually want to please their partner. Right. It's they're intent because they want something from it.
Lis:
They want something in return. Right.
Marlee:
Intent and motivation are two separate things and they very much influence people's behavior.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And their actions.
Lis:
Well, I'm laughing in my head because every time you say something you're used, I, I think of these like real life, like memes or something that I've seen on social media. And right now the big thing is getting your partner's phone and just dropping words in front of their phone to hopefully trigger like, you know what I mean, like AI or whatever it is, like the search term.
Marlee:
So that, uh, images of things will show up.
Lis:
It will just like show up.
Marlee:
So subconsciously he’ll be like, huh.
Lis:
Exactly…Chanel. Gucci.
Marlee:
I should get her a fancy purse. Okay, now I get it. See, that's very manipulative.
Lis:
That's super manipulative.
Marlee:
That's very manipulative.
Lis:
So it just made me think about that.
Marlee:
I mean, listen, actions can be positive as well as negative. Right?
Lis:
Of course.
Marlee:
We just gave an example of an innocuous way of trying to manipulate a situation.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
But a lot of people do get confused with somebody's intent. If your partner behaves in a really jealous manner and they make it seem like it's because they care so much for you and your wellbeing. But the fact is, the intent is really to control you.
Lis:
Right. That's a great example.
Marlee:
Okay. And words, because they're so powerful in the relationship, people rely so much on wanting to hear what they hope to hear versus what's actually really being said.
Lis:
And I think actually a lot of people hear what they want to hear.
Marlee:
Exactly.
Lis:
They, they tune out all of the rest of the stuff.
Marlee:
All the more reason why you shouldn't be listening to words.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Because often you hear the wrong thing.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
What you should be looking for is actions, behavior, the intent behind the action, why the person's motivated to behave in a certain way.
Lis:
That to me, just kind of came full circle because I have had so many friendships, relationships where you are…They just hear, like they're in a partnership right with somebody else and they're dissecting like what's going on in their relationship.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
And what I'm hearing that they're saying is completely different.
Marlee:
That’s right.
Lis:
Then what is actually being done in the relationship.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Absolutely. I'll give you an example like children.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
If somebody says yes, they want to have children with you, but every time you start talking about planning, saving money. Talking about where you guys might live if you need space for a child. If that person is continuously putting off those ideas and not engaging in those conversations and actively starting to save or look for a larger space or talking about, taking trips now because in six months if you're trying to get pregnant, you really won't be able to. Actions have to support it. If they're just like, yeah, sure, sure, sure. But they're not doing any actions or behaviors that actually show they're on the same page.
Lis:
That's a great point.
Marlee:
You're going to end up being very frustrated and you're also going to end up feeling incredible resentment.
Lis:
You thought you were on the same page.
Marlee:
That's right. That's right.
Lis:
But in fact, they were just telling you what you wanted to hear.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Because why? Words are?
Lis:
Free.
Marlee:
You got it.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When People Change Their Political or Social Views to Please a Partner.
Lis:
Yeah. Ugh. Okay. This happens all the time.
Marlee:
It does. And I have some pretty strong feelings about it. So if you don't mind, I'm going to vent.
Lis:
Please take it.
Marlee:
Okay. It shows a lack of critical thought or of a backbone.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
There's nothing wrong with not having a view or an opinion on a particular issue.
Lis:
There's not.
Marlee:
If a partner cannot accept that, you may not perceive the world the same way they do, then they have the option to leave the relationship. Insisting that you share the same views with them is a red flag and should not be tolerated.
Lis:
Sure is.
Marlee:
When someone goes against their moral or ethical belief to appease a partner, you should be seriously concerned. There had to be a reason you felt strongly about the issue to begin with. What changed your view? Other than your partner.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
When someone blindly agrees with their partner about a political or social issue, they've never researched or thought about, but just decides to parrot back, whatever their partner says is pathetic.
Lis:
It is pathetic.
Marlee:
It shows a lack of that independent thought.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Which is such a pet peeve of mine.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It may be a sign of abuse because the person's afraid to disagree or needs to hide their true feelings or opinions on something. It could be seen as a manipulative behavior to trick the partner into believing that you share more in common with them than is actually true. And that can have serious consequences. Like when you're raising children in say a particular religion, and if you don't actually believe the same thing.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Or you say you believed in abortion when in fact you didn't. And then somebody becomes pregnant and they decide they want to get an abortion. You know, I mean like these are big things.
Lis:
They're big.
Marlee:
And when you lie about your opinions and worldviews, this can come back to haunt you. Like with serious consequences. If you randomly change your opinion or point of view, you risk alienating other family members, friends, coworkers, because they already knew what you were thinking.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
And what your prior worldview was. And obviously you're allowed to evolve, right? So that logic would dictate that your opinions and your social views can evolve as well. Maybe new information comes, or new experiences. But if it happens solely to be because you entered into a relationship with a particular person, and that is their worldview.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
But nothing else has really changed in your life or experience. But now all a sudden that worldview is drastically shifted. It signals that you're probably in a very unhealthy relationship.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
It makes people doubt your loyalty, your stability, the commonality they share with you and your character when you just instantly adopt another person's worldview.
Lis:
Yes, exactly. You are taking it on. Exactly.
Marlee:
If the person is finally receiving an education from their partner and has an open mind, I have no complaints. Because I don't think there's anything wrong with seeing another person's perspective, and maybe that makes your own perspective evolve.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Sometimes people's views come from their upbringing and they've never been challenged. So if there's a willingness to see another perspective that I'm fine with.
Lis:
That's a nice point.
Marlee:
But it should never mean that you have to agree with them.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Do you understand? Like you can broaden a worldview that's healthy and it shows empathy to your partner.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
But that doesn't mean it's going to do a 180 on your own worldview about a particular situation or topic.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
And if in fact, if they've convinced you. You know, again, I don't have a problem with that as long as they've convinced you with really good evidence, you know what I mean? And information to support why they've challenged your view. But if it's merely just their opinion and feeling, that's all it is.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
You don't have to change your view.
Lis:
You don't have to feel the same if you don't agree.
Marlee:
That's right. So those are mine.
Lis:
Oh my gosh. No, they were amazing. And I feel like a lot of ours are going to kind of tie together because I feel like people's tendencies to change their attitude or behavior, to be in line with something that's accepted by their partner is a huge red flag.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And I know you said that as well. We can love our family, friends, and romantic partners without silencing ourselves.
Marlee:
Absolutely. Beautifully said.
Lis:
Love does not require complete conformity, ever.
Marlee:
I love that one.
Lis:
We do not need to devote all of our space and time to impressing others. And that includes your partner.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Life is too short to only invest in the happiness and life preferences of other people. Have your own opinions.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And healthy relationships encourage independence while supporting personal growth and autonomy. And if it doesn’t, it's not a healthy relationship.
Marlee:
Oh my gosh. Hallelujah.
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week.
To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast, please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify.
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