Why You Don't Try to Fix a Broken Toy

00:00

Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve. 

00:30

It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated. 

Marlee:

On this episode, we are discussing Why You Don't Try to Fix a Broken Toy. Boy, am I guilty of this one. Let me tell you. 

Lis:

Oh, unpack it. 

Marlee:

Oh, I will start unpack. Whoo. Okay. 

Lis:

Oh, you needed like a big breath. 

Marlee:

Yeah, I know, I know. First, let me just say, I think it's super important that you do not enter into a relationship with the idea that you are going to fix the person if you notice there's something about them that you actually think requires fixing. 

01:07

First, I will say, please remember, it's your opinion. They might actually not need fixing just because you think they do. Number two, they might not want to be fixed, so you're wasting everybody's time and energy. And I guess the third thing I kind of want to point out is who the hell do you think you are?

01:31

Lis:

You know that you should be the one to decide that they need to be fixed. Okay. All good points. 

Marlee: 

As I said, guilty is charged. I think from just having a lot of discussions with friends, I am not the only one who has done this. I do think that women tend to do this more than men. 

Lis:

Absolutely. But men are not off the hook.

01:50

Marlee:

No, not off the, not off the hook. Nope. So look, I will say to you, remember when you were a kid and you had your favorite toy. And you'd play with it and play with it and a piece broke off and your parents who were too cheap to replace it, would be like, oh, we will use crazy glue. 

Lis:

Well, we'll be fine. Duct tape, we duct taped.

02:10

Marlee:

Whatever it is. Yeah. And it never quite worked the same. 

Lis:

It's devastating. It was devastating. 

Marlee:

But what did you do? You usually then just ignore the toy and move on. 

Lis:

Got a new toy.

Marlee:

Exactly. That is the summon substance of today's advice. You don't try and fix a broken toy. If something's broken, acknowledge it. 

02:33

Recognize it and walk away.

Lis:

But also what you said before, realize that it's your opinion that they're broken. 

Marlee:

Yeah, absolutely. 

Lis:

It might be something that's wrong with you or maybe it's ego, right? I mean, I've definitely been in relationships where I felt like, hey, let's do it my way. This is so much better. 

02:53 

But the reality is, that was about me. 

Marlee:

Exactly. 

Lis:

That was my journey. Not somebody else's. Right. 

Marlee:

Exactly. Yeah. If a person isn't good enough for you with the way you found them, I'm begging you do yourself and them a favor, leave them alone because guess what? If somebody wants to change or fix something that's on them, that is their prerogative. 

03:20

It is not your right or your business to try and do it. I feel really strongly about that. Because making serious changes to personality, to behaviors, to communication styles, all those things that takes a lot of work, so much on part of the person who needs to change. 

Lis:

A huge amount of work, right?

03:44

Marlee:

Actually, it's on both sides. On both sides, and it takes years. It's not like, oh, let's switch it on, click. It's fixed. The idea that somebody would go into a romantic relationship with this idea that they could just fix this person. Like, oh, he'd be perfect if he'd just fill in the blank. No, no, no, no, no. 

04:03

Listen to Miss Marlee here. Lived it, been there, done that. Yeah, it was ego. I admit it. I thought I could fix him. I thought that, you know what? I was going to be the one to make him better. No, it didn't work out. It did not work out. And you know what? Well, even though it didn't end poorly between us, he would've every right to call me a bitch.

04:27

Lis:

Was it a big thing or a little thing? Because I feel like there's a varying degree of fixing. 

Marlee:

Hmm. I think it was a big thing, but in retrospect it probably wasn't a huge thing. But it felt big at the time. It felt big at the time. I mean, look, I met a guy who was sexy, and he was a little bit bad. Ah, and it was very attractive. 

04:56

He was a little sexy and bad. And I am a self-proclaimed good girl. I'm mean, I'm looking at you across the way, you know, and I thought that I was going to make him better. I thought that I was going to clean up his act, yeah, I was going to improve him. I was going to Can't Buy Me Love him. For those of you that remember the eighties, love that movie. 

05:20

I was going to take a diamond in the rough and, you know, polish him up and make him into a shining, spectacular diamond. Little sparkly, little sparkling. Yeah. Did not work. Did not work. He liked his rough edges. He liked kind of bumming from job to job. And here I'm like, you should really go to college. 

05:41

Oh my God, you should still go to college. Because it's like totally like the only way you're going to get a good job. He didn't care. He didn't want to go to college. It was me and my issue of like, well, I can only be with a man who has a college education, so like shame on me. He was a pretty heavy drinker and I was like, oh, he really shouldn't drink. 

06:00

It's really bad for you. You're hurting your liver. I mean, again, it's like he's a grown man. He could choose to do whatever he wanted and if he wanted to party, that was his right. He dressed in a way that I wasn't particularly into so get some new clothes at the Gap. I’d say what do you mean you don't have money for it? Open a credit card.  

06:24

Lis:

Marlee the guy is really sounding like you should no be into him. You started off this conversation by saying you're a good girl, yet your guy… 

Marlee:

Like, I also recall stating that he had every right to say I was a bitch, right? I sworn I said that. As I said. I viewed him as a broken toy, but for somebody else, he wasn't broken and he didn't view himself as a broken toy. 

06:51

Right. Shame on me. Shame on me for doing that to him. He did not deserve that. That's what I'm trying to say. Sometimes you want to fix something that doesn't actually need fixing. And if there is something that does seriously need fixing, leave it to the professionals. Yeah, I'm not a professional. I am an amateur playing a professional and I shouldn't have done it. 

07:17

I learned from that. I really did. I'm going to tell you a story. So he was a summer romance and I went away to school. I came back and he appeared at my home during holiday break. He had enrolled in community college and he was wearing chinos and a button down, I assume he got from the Gap, and he was trying to cut down on his partying lifestyle. 

07:48

And we went to dinner and I felt…I looked at this guy, first of all, he wasn't really as sexy anymore. It's like I broke his sexiness. 

Lis:

You actually, you broke the toy. 

Marlee:

I broke the toy and I realized he was trying to play a part that wasn't him. 

Lis: 

To, to please you? 

Marlee:

Me? Yeah. And it felt gross. I felt like an asshole. 

08:14

I really did. And I went home and I was like, damn, am I now really bad if I like say to him, I don't want to see him again? Because it was like not as hot. And then I realized the very thing that drew me to him was that he was this kind of bad boy. And yeah. So I mean, lesson learned. Don't worry, he did end up going back to his old ways, got back together with an ex, actually ended up assaulting her and doing time in jail. 

08:46

So I guess maybe I'm not as much of a bitch as I initially thought now as I'm rethinking this story, but you get by point.

Lis:

You kept him on the straight and narrow.

Marlee:

I shouldn't have gone where I went and he did his time. I don't know what happened to him. I wish him well, but I'm just saying that that for me was an example of where I tried to fix a broken toy or what I perceived as a broken toy. 

09:15

And I've seen a lot of people do it. 

Lis:

Me too. I just think it's a bad idea. No, I think it's a really bad idea. Do you feel there's a certain type of personality that immediately hones in on people that they can fix? 

Marlee:

I do. I mean, I think it's often a person who themselves feels broken in some way. 

Lis:

My gosh, it's so true.

09:34

Marlee:

And they need to fix the other person to feel better about themselves. I don't even think they actually want to be really thoughtful to the other person. I don't think I fell into that category. No, but maybe I did. I don't know. Maybe one of our listeners is going to psychoanalyze me and let me know. 

09:54

But I do feel pretty strongly that there are people that are drawn to broken people. It's a pattern. Yeah. They're drawn to other people that seem to have a lot of serious issues. And it's almost like they feed off of the drama or they want to be a savior or they, or it's almost like what you just said, that they're picking out these voids in their own life and trying to fix it in somebody else.

10:17

Lis:

Yeah, I do think that's possible. I also think that there are a lot of people who so badly want a relationship to work out, and when they see that there's an issue with the person that they're involved. Instead of accepting, it's just not going to happen. They put all their energy into trying to make things work or overcompensate. 

10:41

Have you ever overcompensated? 

Marlee:

I haven't, but I've seen it happen. 

Lis:

I have, I've definitely been in a place where things weren't going exactly as I thought that they should be going. And so in order to make that relationship keep ticking, I overcompensated by filling the buckets that were making me uncomfortable or I felt weren't being met. 

11:02

It's more of like, I was almost like patching. It wasn't that I was trying to fix the broken toy, but I was trying to patch all the holes. And it was like that raft that keeps spewing out all like the air bubbles and you're like trying so hard to like patch 'em all up and it was sinking and walking away from that relationship, I actually learned a lot too because I learned who am I to think that I can spend all of this time and energy trying to fix all of these things? 

11:28

Truthfully, another partner probably would just have stayed, yeah. So it's like a bad cycle. 

Marlee:

No, I agree. And it's like lesson learned, right? 

Lis:

Yeah, absolutely. 

Marlee:

And I guess the way I would sum this up for our listeners is everybody has issues. You have them. I have them. Everybody has them. We deal with them in different ways, and I think that when we enter into these romantic relationships, people have to accept us as we are, and if we together as a couple, if there are personality issues or there's habits, or there's life history or baggage that's impacting the relationship. 

11: 56

If you can work through it together, that's great, but if you know somebody is experiencing something or has a past that you can't get past or there's just something about them that you really do view as faulty, do yourself and that person a favor. 

12:20

Be their friend, but yikes. Do not get romantically involved with them, or leave it to the professionals.

Lis:

Yeah. I mean, it's just not going to work out. It really isn't. Use your time and your energy focused on improving yourself, not on improving another person. Really just such an important note, right.

12:42

It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.

Marlee:

It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. 

Lis:

Yeah, baby. 

Marlee:

Today's topic I know is a particular pet peeve of mine. I don't know about you Lis but we'll see.  When People Cannot Be Alone with Their Partner and Always Need Another Person Present.

13:07

Lis:

The third wheel. Okay, got it. 

Marlee:

All right, so I'm going to go. It's a sign that the relationship is not appropriate for both parties involved. 

Lis:

Mm-hmm.

Marlee:

It is a huge red flag. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

It is a sign of poor communication. 

Lis:

Ah-huh. 

Marlee:

It signals a person's relationship wants and needs are not being met. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

It creates resentment in the relationship on both sides.

13:31

Lis:

Absolutely. 

Marlee:

It shows a lack of respect for the partner. 

Lis:

Mm-hmm.

Marlee:

It's not a real relationship, it's a sign of an immature person. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

If two people cannot be alone together, there's no chance for the relationship to thrive or survive on so many levels. It's insulting to the partner and it destroys any chance to develop intimacy between the partner.

13:54

Lis:

You kind of need to be alone for that. Well, I mean, I guess maybe not, but…

Marlee:

No. I don't even mean physical intimacy. I mean emotional intimacy.

Lis: 

You're right. You're totally right. You nailed it. 

Marlee:

Okay, let's hear yours. 

Lis:

Okay. You need other people to fill a void in the relationship. 

Marlee:

Ooh, yeah. 

Lis:

Your partner's kind of annoying

14:10

Marlee:

Oh, so true. 

Lis:

They're unhappy with themselves and need somebody else to fix it. 

Marlee:

Yeah. 

Lis:

They feed off of the energy of others and need to be surrounded in order to feel good. 

Marlee:

Ooh. Yeah. 

Lis:

The partner lacks a shared interest in certain things, so they need other people to help them out there. And there is only a physical connection and not emotional.

14:32

Marlee:

Mm-hmm. Interesting. Okay. Those are good. Okay. Well, you know what, listen. If a partner can't be alone with another person, I don't even understand how that relationship. It's like, why are you in the relationship? Move on. 

Lis:

Absolutely. 

Marlee:

Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. 

14:50

To view the complete show and a recap of today's podcast or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook if you're enjoying the podcast. 

15:11

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