S6 Episode 8: What is the Real Value of the Role You Play in a Relationship?
Episode Summary
When most people enter into a romantic relationship, they expect to take on the role of lover, companion and friend. However, they are often surprised that there are many other hats they may end up wearing in the partnership, such as caregiver, therapist, parent, banker, housekeeper, teacher and police officer. Problems arise when the unexpected role assigned is either a poor fit or rejected by the person expected to fulfill that function.
Resentment can take root in the relationship if one member of the couple feels pressured to perform tasks that were never explicitly discussed. Even when individuals are willing to shoulder additional responsibilities, there is always the possibility that their position can change over time due to necessity such as illness, children or economic pressures.
This is why it is critical to communicate with your partner about expectations and boundaries. Every role should be valued and appreciated. It is also important that both partners take on multiple roles in the partnership so that the physical, emotional or economic burden is shared in some capacity. When both members of the couple carry the weight of the relationship, trust is built and empathy is reinforced.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how toxic it can be when your partner does not prioritize your partnership over their family’s needs.
Show Notes
When we enter into relationships, we don’t always consider the multiple roles we will end up taking on. It’s important to assess your part in the relationship, and if you haven’t yet, now is better than never. Are you the caregiver? Are you the bank? Are you the therapist? These are all roles people commonly take on in a relationship.
If this topic makes you uncomfortable, you’re not alone. But knowing and acknowledging the roles you’ve taken on is the first step to deciding if it’s fulfilling for you. For example, if you’re naturally nurturing, taking on the caregiver role might feel just fine for you. But if you’ve been thrusted into the role unwillingly, issues and resentment can arise.
We also have to acknowledge that over time, roles can change. The role you took on when one person fell in love with you might not match with the person you are today. It’s also easy to get wrapped up in the roles society expects us to play, whether you’re comfortable with that role or not.
Your partner may appreciate all the roles you’ve taken on, but they could also resent it. If you become the primary nurturer and caregiver to your children, they may feel a greater financial burden. Or perhaps your partner was happy in their role as financial provider, but you started making more. No matter what roles you play, it’s important to share roles when possible and communicate effectively throughout your relationship.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When my partner does not realize our relationship comes before his family’s needs. Some partners bow down to domineering parents, but it’s completely unfair to expect you to do the same. Unless there is an emergency, non-primary family members need to realize they come after your romantic partner and children.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it! This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating, and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life, take charge, and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
On today's episode, What's the Real Value of the Role You Play in a Relationship?
Lis:
I like it. I like this.
Marlee:
Okay. So, Lis, I came up with this topic because I think that when we enter into relationships, we often don't think of the role that we are going to end up taking on, and I actually believe we take on multiple roles when we get into relationships.
Lis:
Definitely.
Marlee:
And certainly as the relationships evolve, new roles are given to us. So I want to start off by asking our listeners to perform an honest assessment of what role you play in your relationship. Are you the caregiver? Are you the person being cared for? Are you a pseudo parent? Are you labor? Are you the bank?
Are you a police officer? Are you a therapist? Are you a punching bag? Are you any combination of those things?
Lis:
Geez, yeah.
Marlee:
Right?
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
I mean, but these are all roles that somebody has to take on in a relationship.
Lis:
You're right. I mean, it's a combination of all of those that really kind of mold, like, every person's kind of balance in a relationship. I don't know. I mean, I think that those are really good questions, and I think a lot of people, that would probably make them uncomfortable.
Marlee:
You need to ask yourself, what is my role in this relationship? And does the role that I've taken on, am I even aware? And was that a role I wanted to take on?
Lis:
And I was just going to say, and does that fulfill you? Right? Because sometimes you just naturally fall into kind of a role that wasn't necessarily something that you were wanting for the rest of your life. I don't know.
Marlee:
Exactly. And you know what? You might not even be good at it.
Lis:
There's definitely some of those roles out there that I'm like, I would not be proud of that.
Marlee:
Yeah, but think about it. If you are a person who is very naturally nurturing.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It would make sense for you to almost take on that caregiver role.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
Whether it's physical caregiving, emotional caregiving, right?
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
If you are not a particularly nurturing individual, yet you're thrust into that role. I can see where there would be internal conflict…
Lis:
Resentment.
Marlee:
As well as resentment, and there would be issues that would arise.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
I mean, I think you see that often when women are expected to be the caregiver.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
And women, yes, tend to be more nurturing, but not always.
Lis:
Oh, yeah, no, trust me. Listen, I definitely fall probably more in that category, but I have friends that do not. And when they're kind of called upon to be in that role, you can see how it like stiffens them or it makes them…
Marlee:
They're uncomfortable.
Lis:
They’re uncomfortable and they're resentful, and you can tell by the way they're talking the about tasks at hand that they have to do, that it's something that's so off putting to them. That's a tough one when you get thrust into a role that you, one, don't want, and two, that you're not prepared for.
Marlee:
Also, people need to ask themselves, “Do you value the roles that you have in the relationship?” And if you do value them, that's great. But if you don't value them, that sucks. The labor, for example.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Doing all the household tasks. I mean, it's a very valuable role in the sense that it's absolutely necessary. But do you feel appreciated? Do you feel you're getting enough assistance from your partner?
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Do you feel like the labor is evenly divided? Or at least, if not evenly divided, more fairly divided?
Lis:
You got it.
Marlee:
Right? These are absolute questions you need to be asking yourself and you need to be discussing with your partner. And you also have to think about did you willingly take on the role, or was it assigned to you? And who assigned it to you?
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Did your partner assign it to you? Did you assign it to yourself? Did society assign it to you? I can tell you one of my biggest conflicts with the old mothers. They wanted me to take care of their little babies. And I wasn't interested in being a mother. The men I was involved with already had mothers. I wanted to be a partner, not a mommy.
Lis:
You got it.
Marlee:
Right? And it would be interesting because it wasn't that I would get in conflict with these mothers because I was trying to take on their role, it's that they were angry that I wouldn't take on their role where I'm supposed to put my partner's needs ahead of my own. I'm supposed to sacrifice because that's what a quote mother does.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
I agree, I'm not a mother to him.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
I'm a mother to my own children.
Lis:
There you go.
Marlee:
Right?
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
But this is the kind of stuff that I'm talking about and I know I resented it.
Lis:
I'm sure you did.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
I'm sure you did and I'm sure that looking back on it now and I think, okay, so here's kind of my question in all of this because I do think that sometimes people get thrust into certain kind of roles.
And I did a lot of thinking about this topic and I do feel like there's times where you've met your partner and you've fallen in love and maybe now you've evolved and now you've gotten married or to the part. I think my issue with your role in a relationship is when somebody's fallen in love with you because of the person that you are back in time.
Marlee:
Right?
Lis:
And then all of a sudden, maybe you haven't communicated it and you've morphed into the caregiver role. And maybe they fell in love with you because you were that hustler that like, you know, set your boundaries and you did all of these things. And then all of a sudden you shift and become maybe became their mom or…
Marlee:
That’s a great point,
Lis:
You know, and all of a sudden, like they're looking at you like where's your hustle? Where's all of this? And I think that it goes both ways.
Marlee:
Oh, I agree.
Lis:
And I think that sometimes it's so easy to get wrapped up into the roles that society expects you to play because it's the expectation, but it falls short in your relationship because the expectation from your partner was that you were going to kind of like stay the person that they fell in love with, and maybe they didn't want you to shift into that role totally.
Marlee:
Do you mean I was supposed to stay super sexy and willing to do it every day?
Lis:
Yeah, baby.
Marlee:
I kind of like that that role shifted. I kind of like the fact that the uh, sex provider role kind of shifted. I actually, that's a role I enjoyed shifting. And I can thank my kids for that one.
Lis:
There you go, there you go. See, they come in handy.
Marlee:
You also have to ask yourself does your partner appreciate all the roles that you've taken on? Or, like you just said, do they resent it?
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
Do they resent the roles that you've taken on?
Lis:
Or, do they feel like they're not as important in this relationship that you have versus another role. Like maybe they loved that you were a financial portion of the pie.
Marlee:
I was just going to say that.
Lis:
And then you stayed home with the children and you guys maybe had made that decision together, but maybe all of a sudden they're kind of like…
Marlee:
And the burden is now on them.
Lis:
The burden is now on them. And yeah, exactly.
Marlee:
Or you can reverse it. They had more power because they were the financial provider.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
And now all of a sudden you are starting to have more economic autonomy.
Lis:
Exactly. That's right.
Marlee:
And the rules are shifting.
Lis:
Yup, exactly.
Marlee:
So again, these are things that people need to be thinking about and talking about because I think it's so important to communicate because when you do shift roles, when you are put into roles, when you do find yourself morphing or evolving.
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
If you're not communicating the impact that it's having on the relationship, you're missing out on the chance to prevent issues from forming. That's what I think.
Lis:
No, I think so too. Because I think that's such a slippery slope. And I do think that over time, people's roles in a relationship naturally evolve. But you do have to keep that line of communication open.
Marlee:
Yeah. Well, because you have to decide, are you happy with the role?
Lis:
Are you happy?
Marlee:
Right? That you play in the relationship?
Lis:
Are you comfortable?
Marlee:
Yeah. Do you think it's fair?
Lis:
Do you think it's... Yes.
Marlee:
Because if you think it's not fair, that's going to be a problem, right? That's going to create resentment. And if you don't think it's fair or you're not happy, what would you change? You’ve got to start thinking about that. What would you change and how would you change it?
Lis:
That's such a tough question. I think that even taking that step back and really kind of taking a deep dive into what role you play, I think a lot of people don't look at it that way.
They're like, well, this is my life. This is just what I'm supposed to do. But when you really kind of peel back the layers and start to look like, wow, I've kind of naturally morphed into a caregiver or the financial generator. Really, really solidly think about, am I happy in this role that I've kind of evolved into? Yeah, I think it makes a lot of people uncomfortable.
Marlee:
Yeah, because you're taking on responsibilities.
Lis:
Because now it's like imploding your whole life, right?
Marlee:
Yeah, but you're also taking on responsibilities. Imagine you have a partner who becomes ill. And you have to be a special caregiver for them and be the person who's advocating for their health.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
That can be incredibly stressful. And the amount of responsibility that's thrust onto you.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Some people rise to the occasion, other people, I think they fail miserably.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
So, these are all examples of really understanding the value of the role or roles that you have in the relationship.
Lis:
Well, and I will also say, they, are all important, right?
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
I mean, they all make up kind of the foundation of your lifestyle and your life together. So I think they all have a value, but I think the point you just made was such a good one. Like, do you value the role that you play? And interestingly, does your partner value it in the same way?
Marlee:
So I think that sometimes people overvalue the role that they play.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
And they use it to overstep their partner's boundaries.
Lis:
Okay. In like a controlling kind of way.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
Or I think they hold it over their partner's head in a way that can be very manipulative. Very dominating.
Lis:
Sometimes it’s subtle.
Marlee:
Yeah. Sometimes it's a subtle thing. And listen, if it gets to a point where it becomes abusive. I did mention the punching bag, right?
Lis:
You did.
Marlee:
If you take on the role of taking all of the negative energy from your partner, they come home from work, they're angry with things that happened, their family members with friends, and then they use you as the punching bag.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
You know, and you've almost taken that role on of like, okay, I'll take the hits.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Obviously, real physical hits should never be accepted.
Lis:
You’re talking about the verbal.
Marlee:
But a lot of people are willing to take the emotional and the verbal.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Absolutely, which also I think is unacceptable. It's an interesting thing because I do want people to practice the self-awareness.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
To really assess what their role is in their relationship and also, are they getting empathy and respect for the role that they have taken on, or the roles that they have taken on.
Lis:
Those are big ones, yeah.
Marlee:
Not only from their partner, but from extended family, from their children, from their in-laws. Because I think that that has an impact on the partnership dynamic.
Lis:
Well, it definitely does. And also I would say, are they getting it from themselves? Are they feeling self-love because of the roles that they're taking on or is it something that they're resenting?
I really do think that it's such a, yeah, I mean, I think those outside forces coming in and kind of laying that groundwork and saying, You're not doing enough, or on the flip side of it, when you said outside family members coming in, you also get people kind of overvaluing certain things. Well, I mean, did you see all the things you're doing? Why can he or she not see everything that you're providing? And it's almost like digging in rather than being supportive for us, right?
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
On the outside and saying, look, you guys have both like laid the foundation. This is exactly, you know, what you're both loving to do. So that's amazing. But a lot of times it doesn't happen that way.
Marlee:
I agree. I think the romancipated individual figures out the roles that they're playing in the relationship, really decides whether or not they're happy with those roles.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
And if they're not happy, they need to have a serious discussion with their partner.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And I do think that it's important that a lot of people take on dual roles.
Lis:
Yes. You have to.
Marlee:
In other words, like, they share in the labor.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
They share in the child care. They share in making sure that the family's financially stable.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
They share in the emotional nurturing of one another.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Right?
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
I think that when you share roles, it really reinforces that strong foundation of a relationship. And it makes each partner feel appreciated and valued.
It's Venting Time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When My Partner Does Not Realize Our Relationship Comes Before His Family's Needs.
Lis:
Yeah. Ouch.
Marlee:
Well, you know what? This is an ouchie, because this is, I don't know, I think this happens a lot.
Marlee:
This is very common.
Lis:
It's very common.
Marlee:
Would you like to go first?
Lis:
Sure, I'll take it away.
Marlee:
Okay, let's hear it.
Lis:
Okay. So, I feel like a solid foundation for a family that the two of you are creating, the partners are creating and making together, there needs to be a complete unbound attachment to one another. You can't go outside of your circle, right?
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
I feel like that is your nucleus, and the rest is peripheral. So, I also think that the dynamics of in law relations is a matter of setting the right boundaries. And I think where this becomes tricky is that some people don't see boundaries at all.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
I think when your partner puts their family before you, that they do have an unhealthy or codependent relationship with their parents, or that they feel a lack of trust or connection with you. So they're looking outside of your partnership for validation. And then lastly, I think that certain people tend to bow down to domineering parents. And when they expect you to do the same, red flag, run.
Marlee:
Yes, I agree. Okay, so mine are similar but different.
Lis:
Okay. As usual.
Marlee:
You know, and we always have our own perspectives. So, I said, when you make your extended family a priority over your partner and children, you end up placing focus on the wrong set of people. Unless there's an emergency, non-primary family members need to accept that they come after a romantic partner and or children.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
The beginning of your life is about your parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Once you are an adult and have a serious romantic relationship, the person you specifically chose should become the priority. Anything less is unfair to you and to your relationship.
Lis:
Definitely.
Marlee:
Every person has the chance to create a life for themselves. Their romantic life should be separate from their family. The two can coexist and without stress, if boundaries are established and respected.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
If money is tight, your partner is the priority. If time is limited, your priority should be your partner.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
If your attention is pulled in too many directions, your relationship will suffer.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
When a partner allows their family members to interfere in a relationship, it is their fault. When a partner prioritizes his or her family's needs over those of his or her partner, it should be a red flag. Parents that have an unhealthy attachment to their adult children are not helping them become independent individuals.
Lis:
Nope.
Marlee:
Parents that rely too much on their adult children are overstepping their boundaries and preventing their adult children from establishing healthy relationships. Understanding who is a priority is critical in having a healthy relationship. There are different points in your life where different people are a priority.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And when it comes to an adult romantic relationship, the partner that you chose, Lis, needs to be the priority. And if you don't understand that, and if you don't accept that, and if you don't see that as being reasonable, you are not ready to be in a partnership. You really aren't. You are not ready for it. That’s my belief.
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.Romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released.
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