S2 Episode 3: What is an Exit Strategy and Why You Need One
Episode Summary
For many people, ending a romantic relationship is one of the most difficult things they can imagine and so they often make choices that are unintentionally hurtful, damaging, and disrespectful to their former partner. Whether it is very early in a relationship or a couple is married, how you end a relationship can have serious emotional, physical and financial consequences if it is not done correctly or in a respectful manner. Hence the importance of an exit strategy.
Once you have identified your wants and needs, it becomes obvious in a relationship if the other person is meeting your expectations. If the person you initially selected is no longer fulfilling your emotional or physical needs, then you should move on. By entering every relationship armed with the knowledge that there will be an expiration date, you should have an exit strategy in the back of your mind as you make life-altering decisions.
Practicing self-preservation is not only healthy for you, it is a respectful act towards your partner. By setting appropriate boundaries and not allowing another person to pressure you into making a more serious commitment than you want or are ready for, you are protecting each person from making costly mistakes. If the two of you are in a healthy relationship that satisfies both of your needs and wants, the exit strategy is nothing more than an insurance policy. You hope you never have to use it, but if something happens, you are prepared to walk away minimizing the damage to you and the person you once cared for.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how disrespectful it is when a partner agrees with you just to shut you up.
Show Notes
Do you have a relationship exist strategy? We always talk about starting and maintaining a relationship, but rarely do we discuss the proper ways of ending a relationship. An exit strategy is a plan you keep in the back of your mind to end the relationship in a way that minimizes damage to yourself and damage to the other person.
Your exit strategy is like an insurance policy. You don’t want the bad thing to happen, but you’re covering yourself in case it does. It never hurts to be prepared. Communicating your intention to end the relationship because it is not a good match should be done in a clear, respectful manner so that everyone can preserve their dignity.
It helps to think ahead. The more complicated and involved the relationship becomes, the more complicated and involved your exit strategy will have to be.
The intention of an exit strategy is to give you peace of mind. You’re able to make decisions about the future when you’re in a clear state of mind, as opposed to being caught up in the emotions of the moment. Being prepared for what could happen in your relationship is never a bad idea.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When your partner agrees with you just so you’ll shut up. This is passive-aggressive behavior and leaves no satisfaction on either end. It’s also dismissive and counterproductive. It indicates the individual who always agrees has zero interest in understanding your wants and needs.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
Today's topic, What is an Exit Strategy and Why You Need One? Okay. I love this one.
Lis:
I love this one too. I actually kind of had to think about this hard because I've actually never really thought about it as an exit strategy.
I've actually kind of thought about it as cleaning up the mess as you go along.
Marlee:
Oh, okay. Well, so the reason I came up with this topic is because I do think that we are always talking about starting a relationship or maintaining a relationship, but we rarely address how to properly end a relationship. Right?
Lis:
Right. Yeah.
Marlee:
Last season we talked about that every relationship has an expiration date.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
So most relationships at some point will end.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Other than those of till death do us part.
Lis:
Right. Right. Yeah, of course.
Marlee:
And so what I have always stressed to people and I have practiced myself, is you should always have an exit strategy.
Something that you have, a plan that you have in the back of your mind as to how you would end the relationship, minimizing as much damage to yourself. As well as to the other person. To yourself, because of course, Romancipation mindset is very much focused on self-preservation.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And the damage to the other person because at some point in time you obviously had some type of interest or feelings for this individual, so there's really no reason to leave
bad blood on the table, so to speak.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
If you can end a relationship as smoothly as possible, it only ends up benefiting you as well as the other person.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
So that's why I think you should always have an exit strategy.
Lis:
Well, I feel like a lot of people that would listen to this would feel like, wow, that's such a woke concept, but it really does just make sense.
And I think even in business you have a plan A and a plan B, and…
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
I feel like, you know, a lot of people go into relationships almost with like rose colored glasses thinking. This is never going to end.
Marlee:
Exactly.
Lis:
I love this person. We're going to be together forever. And you know, and that till death to us part, but let's be honest, even, even till death to us part ends at some point.
Marlee:
Right.
Lis:
So, I mean, not preparing for the inevitable is not really that smart.
Marlee:
No. Exactly, and that's what I mean. So you brought up a great point about it, sort of like business. I liken the exit strategy to like insurance. It's like an insurance policy. You don't want the bad thing to happen, but you are covering yourself in case it does.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Right? And that's just it. You always want to think about the worst-case scenario and if you can actually have something prepared, right? Like if the plane goes down, there's a reason that the flight attendants show you where all the exits are marked…
Lis:
Oh yeah, of course.
Marlee:
And where the life vest is.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
And where the oxygen is because they want you to just have it in the back of your mind. They hope nothing bad happens, but they want you to be prepared instead of being shocked.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And sort of that is why I think you need an exit strategy. So what actually is an exit strategy?
Lis:
I've had, I know I've had a, of people getting a little bit specific might actually help because you know, a lot of people might look at it as like, well, why are you looking at it like a glass half empty all the time? You know?
Marlee:
Well, because I'm a negative Nelly. You know me.
Lis:
No, I'm not saying that. But you know, I mean, people would think like going
In with an exit strategy automatically means you're not all in a relationship, and I think having kind of some context around what an exit strategy is, is actually important.
Marlee:
I agree. Okay. So first of all, it can be used in any type of romantic relationship, right? Think of it as a plan that you always have in the back of your mind, and it will help influence
every decision that you make, it basically is forcing you to make thoughtful decisions about how you might intertwine your life with a potential partner. So it can cover anything from more serious relationships, living arrangements, financial arrangements, custody of children or pets, you know, purchasing or ownership of like large items like vehicles, making loans, giving people gifts, or even like the responsibilities
you might take on, like helping somebody with their mental health or their physical health, you know? Or like we had talked in last season, you know, helping people carry their baggage if that's something you choose to do.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
These are all things that you need to be thinking about because the moment you choose to leave the relationship, they're impacted in a huge way.
Lis:
Yeah. Okay. I think you're right.
Marlee:
So it can be from even the moment you meet somebody, we also talked a lot about swiping and meeting somebody on the internet, interacting. You might swipe on somebody, you might start a conversation and within two or three texts you realize, you know what? Not interested.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
You can just ghost somebody, which is really rude and inappropriate and may come back to haunt you.
Get it. A ghost…haunt. Ha ha.
Lis:
Ha ha ha.
Marlee:
Um, but the truth is if you exit things in a respectful way and you're thoughtful, you can end up preserving not only your reputation, but giving the other person a sense of dignity. I think that if you recognize somebody isn’t a good match for you very early on, within a few conversations, few texts…
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Few dates, I think that's when you get to just say, you know, Thank you for taking the time to, you know, talk with me or, you know, meet with me or whatever it is you've done.
But I recognize that it's probably not a good match. So it's a nice way to have a clean break. You be able to preserve your safety, your dignity, and also,
Lis:
But you haven't just ghosted somebody.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
You've actually that I'm sorry with respect, I'm just not interested.
Marlee:
Right, exactly. Okay. And so you can have that very simple exit strategy where you are clearly communicating to somebody. I will no longer be having contact with you because I am not interested. So that's what I mean, like early on you want to have that exit strategy. And then even as you start to get more serious, every time the relationship starts to progress, you should always be asking: Do I want to take this on? Is this something I want to see get more serious? And as long as you have the exit strategy where you're thinking to yourself, okay, I know that if things don't work out, I'm not stuck in a lease with this person. That's why I've chosen not to move in with them. And that's what I mean when I say you should have a sense of an exit strategy at each point in a relationship, depending on how serious it is getting, because the exit strategy and the energy you're going to have to put in for just no longer texting with somebody,
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Is very different than if you've been sleeping with somebody for three months.
So I am telling people that your exit strategy should consist of the following things, number one. You should not try to throw gasoline on the flames. If things are starting to get negative or hostile, it is best to take the higher road. To just say to the person very clearly, you can either verbalize it, you can put it in writing, but make sure they get the message of, listen, this obviously isn't working out, and it doesn't mean it has to not work out mutually for both people.
As long as one person feels it's not working out right, it's not working. It's just that simple. You just say, I don't think this is working out. Thank you for, you know, the time that we spend together but it isn't a good match for me.
And then you say, and you know, we will no longer be having contact and that and that's it. And then follow through. Don't do the slide back, don't exit and then come back. Cause it's a really bad idea. Exit. Exit cleanly and smoothly. That's if it's early on. But like we said, if it's becoming more emotionally involved, right?
Lis:
Yeah. If, I mean, I think people have learned to suck it up. And they're just like, well, you know, we're too entangled and I just am going to like keep going to see where it goes.
Marlee:
But that's the worst decision that you can make.
Lis:
Of course, it is, but I think that people are so like, well, what if I don't find somebody else?
What if this, you know, it's all of these different emotions that start going through your head, and I think that people just suck it up because they think that…
Marlee:
But they need to stop. They need to be Romancipated. That's what I'm saying. And they need to have an exit strategy.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
They need to stop being the wimp and just letting life kind of take control.
Lis:
And that's exactly it.
Marlee:
And getting dragged along with something they don't want. That's what I mean when I say if you consciously know that you have an exit strategy, when you start to feel that. When you start to feel that, mm, I really don't, I'm not feeling it anymore. I really don't want to take it to the next level.
This just isn't the right person for me. Instead of just giving in to like, Ugh, it's just easier to go along with it.
Lis:
It’s just easier. Yep.
Marlee:
You say, no, you know what? I have an exit strategy. There's a reason I said no to moving in. There's a reason I said no to buying a pet together. There's a reason I said no to booking a vacation six months in advance.
No. Do you, do you get what I mean?
Lis:
Yes. I do.
Marlee:
There's a reason I said no to lending the person money. You know, because the chance that if I break up with them, I'm never going to get it back. You know? I mean, there's a reason that I didn't do certain things. I didn't get a car with them. I didn't promise that I would be the one that babysat their children…
While they went to work. In other words, you are purposefully putting boundaries in place that allow you to be able to exit the relationship because the boundaries exist.
Lis:
And that is so important.
Marlee:
If you don't put those boundaries in place, what ends up happening is another person becomes so interdependent on you, and so reliant on you, that you then get stuck and you feel like you're backed into a corner and then you end up just going on in a relationship that is not benefiting you.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
And the fact is, if the relationship isn't benefiting you, it's not worth it. I always say to people, the other reason an exit strategy is so important is because if you know you can get out at any point in time with minimal damage, but you actually want to fight for the relationship and you want to stay.
Lis:
Yeah, that's a great point.
Marlee:
That is huge because it really does tell you, this person and this relationship is worth it.
Lis:
Yeah, absolutely. That's such a great point.
Marlee:
And that is why, if you know that you can exit stage left but you choose to stay because you see the value. Because you're willing to work with the other person.
That is an indication that you have got a strong foundation that this relationship is worth working for.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
That this relationship is worth fighting for. That there's obviously something going on between the two of you where you are meeting some of each other's wants and needs, maybe not all of them, and that's what you need to work on.
That's what you need to address. That's what you need to communicate. But I can tell you right now, the couples that have arrangements, whether it's a prenuptial agreement, whether it's a postnuptial agreement, whether it's a cohabitation agreement, when they know those things exist, for example, where they've already agreed on how the finances will be split, how custody will be split.
You know how like furniture will be split. You know, all these different types of things, and they know it's not going be this long, drawn out, costly, vicious, awful battle. They are more willing to be reasonable and to actually talk to the person and communicate. I think it really does. The exit strategy,
it gives you peace of mind. It allows you to make decisions with a clear conscience. It allows you to do it without emotion. Because when decisions are made with extreme emotion, the wrong decisions are usually the ones that you make.
Lis:
Oh, it's like the heat of the moment. It just burns.
Marlee:
Exactly.
Lis:
And I think you made a really good point because you talked about at the beginning all of the things that you don't want to do to set yourself up for like a poor exit strategy.
But actually you just mentioned some really great things that setting yourself up for an appropriate exit strategy, like a prenuptial agreement or things that just kind of outline upfront how things will be handled if things don't work out.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
And I think those are really important things that a lot of people feel are,
not like a no-no, but like, oh, why would I want a prenuptial agreement? Maybe. Maybe you don't feel like, you know, at the beginning of your relationship either party has anything of real value. I think a lot of people look at a prenuptial agreement or a cohabitation agreement like you mentioned as
something that, oh, well that person has to have a lot of money or a lot of assets and…
Marlee:
You know, it's not true.
Lis:
I think that that's not true.
Marlee:
It's just not true. It's about having an arrangement and we actually have a future episode actually really kind of doing a deeper dive on these topics so I don't want to get too deep into them today, but what I will say is that having arrangements, having understandings is never a bad thing in a relationship.
Because nobody wants to be with a person who doesn't want to be with them.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Who just needs to be with them because it's more convenient or it's too expensive or it's too difficult to not be with them.
Lis:
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Marlee:
The only way the relationship is going to be mutually beneficial is if both people really want to be in it.
And the way you know two people really want to be in the relationship is if they know they have the option and the opportunity to leave at any point in time with minimal damage, and they still choose to stay. It is no different than every time you get in a car and you put that seatbelt on, every time you know you, you go for a trip, you buy trip insurance.
Anytime you rent an apartment or you buy a home, you buy homeowners or renter's insurance.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
There are reasons you do it, not because you're hoping to get into a car accident. You know, not because you're hoping for somebody to burglarize your home. You're doing it because you're saying, I know these things can happen.
I'm realistic and I want to protect myself.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And the fact is, you're not only protecting yourself, you're protecting the other person. Like I said, if you establish appropriate boundaries and you say to a person, you know what, listen, I am not yet ready for us to live together. That person has to accept that.
And if they're trying to force that onto you, well, come on. We need to live together. Don't you love me? Don't you want to be with me? We spend all of our time with each other anyway.
Lis:
Red flag. Red flag.
Marlee:
Exactly. Yeah. But yeah, it is a red flag.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Because if you are not ready, that's telling you something.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Because you recognize that that next step is much more serious and it instantly makes it that much more difficult to unravel…
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Should you choose to not go forward with the relationship. Too many people make choices out of convenience.
Lis:
Or fear.
Marlee:
Well, it's cheaper if I live together, right? Or, oh, well, yeah.
I guess a dog would be really cute, you know? Oh gee, I guess I won't use a condom tonight. You know, but what ends up happening?
Lis:
That's a poor choice.
Marlee:
Yeah. Very poor choices, because it ends up bonding you to a person in a way you may not want to be bonded to them for a very long-term situation.
Lis:
Like eternity.
Marlee:
Yeah. So I will always say exit strategies are amazing things.
Lis:
Yeah, and I think, you know what? I think exit strategy maybe just sounds harsh.
Marlee:
Yeah. But life is harsh.
Lis:
Life is harsh. But I feel like the words exit strategy just kind of mean, like you're not all in. And I think when you do explain it, I think it really does make a lot of sense and it is common sense that you would go in preparing yourself and having, you're right, self-preservation.
It's really what it's all about. And you know, it just feels like the term exit strategy means you have a foot out the door and that's not really what you're talking about. And I think that that's where it feels maybe insensitive to kind of say it like that, but it's not.
Marlee:
Well, I don't want to be insensitive.
Lis:
But you can understand how like when you're telling your partner, like, Dude, I got this exit strategy.
Like if, you know what, like if I figure out like you're not it for me, like foot out the door, but that's not really what you're talking about. You're really talking about self-preservation and making sure that if in case this does not work out, then we are both going to be fine and we are both going to be able to move on with our lives. It's symbiotic.
Marlee:
Exactly.
Lis:
And you know, and it is actually kind of a wonderful way to end a relationship, not feeling so tied and not feeling like, listen, like the end of a relationship as it is, is already emotionally exhausting.
Marlee:
And heart wrenching.
Lis:
Yes, heart wrenching. And of course like, you know, there's feelings involved and when you don't have to
think about the logistics of all of this stuff.
Marlee:
Thank you. Exactly.
Lis:
That's really what we're talking about.
Marlee:
Yes, exactly. If you already have a sense of, okay, we didn't commingle our bank accounts. I didn't give them a key to my apartment, you know, we didn't plan that trip.
Lis:
Split the couch or the furniture.
Marlee:
Exactly.
The exit strategy is very much about separating the emotional from the logistical issues in a relationship.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
But it also allows you, in an emotional sense to really think about if this person matches with you on your wants and needs.
Lis:
Absolutely.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships.
Today's topic, When Your Partner Agrees with You, Just so You Will Shut Up. Oh.
Lis:
Oh, this one is like so hard because to me, this feels like passive aggressive behavior. I don't know.
Marlee:
Yeah, I just, I know. Do you want to take this one?
Lis:
I'm going to take it. Well, it is obviously passive aggressive behavior.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And I feel like you end up not feeling in a partnership on either side. I think that there's no satisfaction on either end and this relationship is completely unhealthy. I don't think either person ever truly feels heard in this relationship. So, I mean, to me this is, I don't know, how are you with somebody that just like tells you what you want to hear to shut you up?
I, I don't know. This is gross.
Marlee:
Yeah, no, I listen, I, I agree. So, I also had that it's a passive aggressive behavior. I said it's a very disrespectful way of communicating.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
It's dismissive and counterproductive to the relationship.
Lis:
Totally.
Marlee:
There is never any true empathy between the two parties.
Lis:
Nope.
Marlee:
It prevents conflicts from ever being properly resolved.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
It creates resentment in the partner that's constantly being dismissed.
Lis:
Yeah. Of course.
Marlee:
It indicates that the individual who always agrees has zero interest in learning your wants and needs, or even trying to get along with you.
Lis:
Okay, that's actually, that point right there.
Marlee:
It can also be a sign that the person is hiding something, and by agreeing with you, they think that they've either kept you at bay or postponed you from uncovering the truth.
Lis:
Ooh. Okay. There you go. Okay. Yep.
Marlee:
I think it's a technique that's often employed by men in relationships when they want the woman to be quiet or just stop nagging them. I think for so many people, it's not just blindly agreeing. It's, they really just want to shut you up. And they've bought into this whole idea that if you just say you're right, you know, then the person will shut up.
And the fact is, it is such a destructive behavior.
Lis:
Yes, it is. Do you feel like the partner always knows that they're being just like, shut up? I mean, that's the thing. That's where I'm like…
Marlee:
I would think that there's some people that actually do not realize that their partners are being passive aggressive…
Lis:
And they just go along with it. Yeah.
Marlee:
And they think that their partner actually agrees with them.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
And I think that's total lack of self awareness.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
But then I think they're the people who recognize how incredibly dismissive it is.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
But they don't know how to fix it, and they just keep the relationship spiraling downward until it eventually becomes so toxic,
that there's just no way to, for the two parties to communicate.
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released.
Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast, please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify. Reviews let Apple know that great listeners like you enjoy our show and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again and stay Romancipated.