S3 Episode 6: Use the End of a Relationship as the Opportunity to Reinvent Yourself
Episode Summary
Breaking up may be hard to do, but getting a fresh start can be life-altering. Instead of seeing the end of a relationship as a negative, use it as an opportunity to do something different in your next romance. Do a deep-dive into the relationship and identify things that didn’t work for you and decide to make a change.
Make sure to be honest with yourself and acknowledge any responsibility you had in the demise of the partnership. Remember, you are in the driver’s seat when it comes to your love life so you get to decide how you want to move forward. Instead of repeating the same pattern, try doing one thing differently and see what can happen.
The possibilities are endless if you make a major or minor shift in what you look for in a partner or modify something about your own behavior, wants or needs. When you take the opportunity to learn from your past, you don’t repeat the same mis-steps in the future.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how unfair it is when a partner applies a double standard to sex in the relationship.
Show Notes
Every ending is also a new beginning. When you leave a relationship, you can take what you’ve learned from it and use it to elevate yourself. If there was something about the relationship you didn’t like, analyze it and address it.
This could have been a communication style, boundaries, division of labor, economic strategies, and so much more. You’re in the driver’s seat—you can change anything. It’s also the perfect time to reflect on what you look for in a partner and what you really need.
Breakups are often both a golden opportunity along with a really harsh wakeup call. But going forward, you can take what you wish you would have done and start implementing changes right away. For example, perhaps in your last relationship you were financially irresponsible, and it came back to haunt you when the breakup happened. Now is your chance to become more financially competent.
Romancipation is about taking responsibility for yourself including what you say, where you go, what you spend, and so much more. This is why reinvention and romancipation go hand in hand. Think about what you did and what you allowed to happen, and then do what you need to do to give yourself a new chapter.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When a person applies a double standard to sex in the relationship. Any time a double standard is applied, it can make you feel so frustrated. It causes resentment and can be a total turn-off. The constant application of a double standard regarding sex absolutely signals a power imbalance.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
Today's topic is Use the End of a Relationship as the Opportunity to Reinvent Yourself.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
So Lis, what do I mean by this? Every ending can give you the opportunity for a new beginning and relationships are a perfect opportunity and situation for reinvention. Because each relationship is two separate people that have decided to come together for whatever length of time it ends up working.
You get to leave that relationship and you can either take from that relationship good or bad, whether it was a good relationship or bad relationship. You can take things that you can really learn and then apply to your next relationship. And I think that while you can't control what somebody else is, you can look for different types of people.
Lis:
Yep. That’s true.
Marlee:
What you can control is yourself and you can reinvent yourself or an aspect of yourself. So, what do I mean by that? If there's something about the relationship you didn't like or that made it impossible to work out, this is your chance to do some like self-analysis. Choose to make one or even more changes.
It can be a lifestyle change. It can be a communication style, a boundary shifting, a difference in how you divide labor, you know, in your household. It can be how you structure the economic situation between you and a partner. My point is the list is endless. You can say, Where did things kind of go badly?
And how am I going to reinvent it? And the truth is, you can also reinvent your physical appearance, right? You can reinvent your sexual appetite. You're in the driver's seat. Right?
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
You're in charge.
Lis:
No, listen, I think that this is the perfect place to reassess what your boundaries are. And know whether or not you had enough boundaries, you communicated your boundaries correctly.
It's such a baseline, right? And like we've constantly talked about like the building blocks and the foundation. Maybe there was a crack in your foundation in your last relationship.
Marlee:
That's right. And now it's your chance to repair it.
Lis:
You can go back and repair it. And you can think about, because listen, it takes two to tango, right?
There's two people in every relationship. Not one person is ever fully responsible for a relationship breakdown.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
There's always whether or not it's even that you accepted being treated a certain way.
Marlee:
Ding, ding, ding. Right.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
It doesn't matter. The partner… I'm sorry, I just had say, it doesn't matter if your partner is guilty of everything.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
The fact that you accepted it and the moment they did it, you didn't walk away. You have to share some of the blame as well, right?
Lis:
That's right. No, it is 100% true. And so being able to walk away from a relationship. Whatever the length of time is, you now have the opportunity to go back and reassess.
And this is a lot of self-work, right? Because you have to think about not only what it is that you want moving forward, what you deserve moving forward, what you need moving forward, but also how you're choosing that next partner and that person coming into your life. Maybe you didn't look at things a certain way
when, you had your last relationship, maybe you were younger and your qualifications for a great relationship was, he's hot and branny and you know, and that was kind of like checked off like some of the boxes. He's a good dresser. I can take him out and we can, you know, do fun things the way that you change and evolve.
Like some of those things may not be as important, now that you know what you really need, it's not to say that those things won't be part of that next person, but they're not going to necessarily be the most important things.
Marlee:
Yeah, no, listen, I agree. You can absolutely review what traits you're looking for in a potential partner or mate, you can do an honest assessment
Of the things you value, like you said, in a partner yourself, you can work things out so that it turns out in a more successful way for you. I think of all of the people who have experienced a breakup where there's a financial situation, right? There's some sort of financial repercussion. I always say to men and women who talk to me about this.
This is a golden opportunity for you because it now has been a very ugly wake up call, because usually financial slap downs are ugly.
Lis:
They're not pretty.
Marlee:
They're not pretty, but you can have a choice here. You can look at, let's say a divorce or a cohabitation situation that goes sideways. You can look at this and say, ah, I lost all this money.
Or, you know, I was so dependent on this person. What am I supposed to do for money? You can look at it that way, and I'm going to let you have what I call your Oh shit moment. You're allowed to be like, oh shit. When am I supposed to do? Now you're allowed to have that. It's a moment.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
And then you’ve got to move past it.
And you’ve got to take it and say, okay, where did I fuck up?
Lis:
Yeah. Listen…
Marlee:
Where did I make a big mistake.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
And so for example, let's take like the marriage situation that doesn't work out. And you're like, you know what? I didn't stay on top of the finances. I wasn't aware where the money was going.
I wasn't contributing as much money as I thought, or, you know what I mean? That's on you. So you need to say, okay, going forward, I am going to make sure that I have an accurate accounting of what goes on, of where money goes to. I am going to open every bill, I am going to open every bank statement.
Guess what? There's an app for everything that makes it super easy.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
You don't have to have a background in accounting to like be able to do this, to just be on top of it, to take personal responsibility and say, you know what? Before I was a financially and fiscally irresponsible individual. I allowed somebody else to control all the finances.
You know what? I'm going to reinvent that in myself. I am now going to become a financially responsible person. I am going to know where every single dime I make goes.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And that's like an example.
Lis:
I think that's a great example.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
Because listen, like people tend to, I don't even want to say, I mean, stick their head in the sand, it's because you know that there's an issue.
A lot of times people know there's an issue.
Marlee:
Sure.
Lis:
And they just don't want to accept that particular issue. And rather than addressing something, they pretend like it doesn't exist.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
Until it comes crashing down.
Marlee:
Until it's crashing down.
Lis:
And then when it comes crashing down. Not my fault, because a lot of people don't take responsibility for those things, right?
They walk away and they immediately point fingers and say, Ugh, my partner was so irresponsible. They spent all the money. They did this. They took us on vacations, blah, blah, blah, blah. You have a responsibility in that too, right?
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
It has to be a mutual level of accountability and a relationship.
Marlee:
Listen, Romancipation is about personal responsibility.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
It's about owning the relationship. It's about owning yourself. It's about recognizing, you are romancipating yourself. You are saying, I am taking control and ownership of what I do, what I say, where I go, what I spend. I'm romantic myself, and that is the point of this. Reinvention and Romancipation go hand in hand.
Because every relationship that ends gives you the opportunity to shapeshift.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It can be a communication style. Maybe if your past relationship was all you did was communicate electronically and you felt there was like a lack of intimacy, a lack of connection,
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Then you know what you do? Set the ground rules.
Lis:
Yes, set the boundaries.
Marlee:
The next person you get together with, you say, no phones at the dinner table. Right?
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
I need to hear your voice, not electronically. Like, I need to hear you actually call me, you know, or FaceTime me or see me in person at least like once a day. You know? I mean, these are the kinds of things where you can reinvent, like you said, boundaries, you can reinvent communication styles, you can reinvent just about anything, just about anything.
As long as you're willing to acknowledge your part in things.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
If, like you said, Lis, if you're going to just blame the other person that everything went sour because of the other person, you don't need to change anything about yourself, then you are fooling yourself.
Lis:
You're living in fantasy land.
Marlee:
Yes. I love it. You're living in fantasy land. Take ownership of what happened, what you did, what the other person did, what you allowed. You don't have to actively do something…
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
To still have a piece of it. Take ownership.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And then do what you need to do to reinvent yourself. Give yourself a new chapter in that book that you've been writing called My Life.
Give yourself a new chapter. Introduce a character who has yet another level, that's you. You've added a new skill. You've added a new level. Something that you didn't even know. And as I said, it can be even physical and it doesn't have to mean that you know, changing your hair or the way you dress it can mean you're start taking better care of yourself.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Maybe getting more sleep, eating better. Hydrating, drinking more water, going to the doctor, you know, exercising. There's a million things you can do. Maybe practicing meditation.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
You know, whatever it is. Practicing mindfulness, whatever it is. Maybe you, you decide you're going to become cleaner. Do your laundry more often, maybe get a pet, I don't know.
The point is, is that you can reinvent an aspect of who you are, how you live, and it can then shift the next relationship in a way that could potentially make it the one that's going to stick.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships.
Today's topic, When a Partner Applies a Double Standard to Sex in the Relationship.
Lis:
Oh, you are literally like…
Marlee:
I've got a long list here. So would you like me to go first or would you like to?
Lis:
Yeah. Take it away.
Marlee:
Okay, I will. So I'm talking about the double standard in terms of the when, the where, and the how.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
You know what I mean?
Lis:
Like you’ve got a list.
Marlee:
That covers all of them.
Lis:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marlee:
Okay. So first off, it makes you feel very frustrated whenever there's a double standard being applied.
Lis:
Of course.
Marlee:
it is completely unfair. It makes you doubt your attractiveness to your partner.
Lis:
Yeah, of course.
Marlee:
So like as an example, if somebody says, I'm in the mood.
And you are not. You know what I mean? You then get like punished.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
But if they say they're not in the mood, you're expected to like just completely accept it and not question.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Like there's always like that double standard.
Lis:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah
Marlee:
And then you start to doubt, well, do they still find me attractive?
So I think that's such an important one. It causes resentment.
Lis:
It does.
Marlee:
It really does. It can be a total turn off.
Lis:
Yeah. Yeah, of course it is.
Marlee:
It's for some people, it makes them feel as though they're unworthy of love or affection or are somehow incompetent in the bedroom.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
It causes fights and conflicts in the relationship.
Lis:
Of course it does all the time. Yeah.
Marlee:
When a double standard is being applied to sex and sexual desire, okay.
Lis:
Yes, right.
It shows a lack of understanding of how to create intimacy. It causes feelings of guilt.
Lis:
Oh yeah.
Marlee:
I think that it is very common. People feel like they're not living up to expectations.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It's a manipulative way of being with your partner.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
In applying the double standard. Hate it.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
I think it often comes from sexist views. Yet a lot of men hold that somehow the woman should be available whenever they're ready.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
You know, and they want it. And yet, you know, if they're exhausted and the woman might be in the mood and she like, you know, asks them for something, they get really upset.
Like, can't you see how tired I am? And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Lis:
Take a step back there, bucko.
Marlee:
Yeah. It's like, oh, you are allowed to be tired, but I'm not.
Lis:
Right. Yeah.
Marlee:
Oh, I can't stand it.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
It can be used to justify, cheating
Lis:
Ooh.
Marlee:
I think a lot of people use this to justify the old cheating.
Lis:
I think so, too. I think so too.
Marlee:
It can also be used to apply pressure for someone to perform a sexual act that they're not comfortable with.
Lis:
Ooh, I didn't think about it like that. All right.
Marlee:
Yeah. I do think that that people will, absolutely apply a double standard of like, you know, the man being like, well, I'm willing to let you do this to me.
Lis:
Right, right, right.
Marlee:
And you know, and the woman is like, no, you're not.
Lis:
Yeah. Yeah.
Marlee:
That requires strap on. Anyway…I think that sex is rarely fair. Men usually have an orgasm while many women do not.
Lis:
You're right.
Marlee:
And so yet again, it's like, well, of course, chances are things are going to be better for you because you get off more often.
Lis:
Yeah. Ugh.
Marlee:
I also think that when one partner is working or taking care of the home or children and their time and energy is more limited, asking them to perform when they're not in the mood always creates negative feelings.
Lis:
Of course it does.
Marlee:
And that's, that's both for men and women, it just always does.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
And I absolutely think that when a partner continuously applies a double standard to sex in the relationship, I think it absolutely signals the power imbalance in the relationship.
Lis:
Oh, yes. No, I agree.
Marlee:
Very unhealthy. Those are mine.
Lis:
No, and actually you've led right into mine because I did say that there is clearly a power imbalance.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
As soon as there's a double standard applied to anything.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
But sex in particular, in my opinion, double standards are deliberate attacks and they are manipulative.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Anytime you apply a double standard, and I think that you said that as well. If you're not in agreement with your partner, sometimes you start to poke at their insecurities.
Marlee:
Right.
Lis:
And I think knowing how bad that it can make the other side feel, leads to guilt and all of the other things that you talked about. So I have that as well. I think that it can be seen as emotionally abusive.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Because it's such a mind. Like it's a…
Marlee:
Mind Fuck.
Lis:
Yeah. It's a mind fuck yes.
Marlee:
Oh my God, that's a good one. You know?
Lis:
Yes. It just really plays into it. And then I think most people automatically become defensive and defend when they feel exposed in ways that make them uncomfortable.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And I think the second that you bring anything sexual into it, it can definitely lead to all of these insecurities and things you talked about.
Marlee:
Well, you're so vulnerable.
Lis:
You are so vulnerable.
Marlee:
You're so vulnerable. And I do think that so many people worry that if they're not meeting their partner's sexual needs.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
That the person will then go outside of the relationship.
Lis:
Right. And so sometimes you end up doing it when you're not even in the mood to do it.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
And you know, sometimes there's that and then you get into it and whatever. But there's sometimes where you're just like, I just don't want to do it. But you feel the pressure to…perform and it's just, yeah, I don't know.
Marlee:
It's, not right.
Lis:
It's a mess.
Marlee:
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week.
To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released. Also make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast, please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify.
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