S3 Episode 9: Their Past is an Accurate Predictor of Your Future Together
Episode Summary
The more things change, the more they stay the same. This is true in relationships. Just because you have a new relationship does not mean your behavior patterns will change. The same is true for your partner. If you want to get a sense of what your relationship will look like, just look at their past relationships.
You can inquire about why a past relationship ended but the person telling you the details is probably not the most accurate reporter. Remember they are recounting the trials and tribulations of their past relationships through their own biased lens. In most cases, people will blame their ex-partners for the downfall of the relationship.
If you are fortunate enough to be with a person who takes personal responsibility and accountability for relationship failures, it is a positive sign, but it does not mean that they have learned from those mis-steps or are willing to alter their behavior. Even if the individual claims they have seen the light and made changes, you will need proof in the form of behaviors that support their claims.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how unfair it is when a partner expects you to read their mind.
Show Notes
You know that phrase “a leopard doesn’t change its spots”? It’s true. So many people want to believe past relationships didn’t work out or issues took place on part of the other party. The reality is your partner has ownership over what happened in their past relationship, and that same behavior is likely to be repeated in your relationship together.
If your partner cheated, manipulated, or abused their last partner, they will probably do all the same to you unless they are in therapy actively working on their issues. The problem is most people don’t want to own their behavior. When people describe their past partners in a negative way, it’s a red flag.
Behavior is better proof of intention than words are. Someone telling you what they will do is different from what they actually show you through their actions. People can evolve, but usually it’s after suffering difficult circumstances or consequences to their behavior. People don’t just naturally change from one relationship to the next.
If you want a peek into how a new partner is likely to treat you, it’s as simple as looking at how they treat their family and friends. You can also consider how they treat service workers and coworkers. If disrespectful patterns of behavior arise, there’s a good chance that will come back on you.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When people think their partner should be able to read their mind. Expecting your partner to know what you think all the time is unfair. It’s not possible, no matter how long you’ve been together. It's immature behavior and makes it impossible for your partner to do right in your eyes.
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Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life, take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
Today's topic, Their Past is an Accurate Predictor of Your Future Together. I really love that phrase. A leopard doesn't change its spots.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Because not only do I love big cats, but also because it's just true.
Lis:
It is true.
Marlee:
And I really think that there are a lot of people that want to believe that past relationships when they're dating someone and starting to become involved, and they hear about their past relationships and why that relationship ended.
They want to believe that it's always their partner's ex's fault. Do you know what I mean?
Lis:
Totally.
Marlee:
And they never want to take into account that chances are it took two to Tango.
Lis:
Always does.
Marlee:
And that their partner had some responsibility in terms of what happened in the relationship.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
And that very same behavior will be repeated in the current relationship.
Lis:
Of course, it will be. Yeah, and I think likewise, you have to understand that you are bringing your own baggage like we've talked about, and your own past relationships and problems and personalities into your current relationship as well.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
So I think, listen, it goes both ways.
Marlee:
Both ways. But I will tell you, if your partner cheated in the past, chances are they're going to cheat in the current relationship.
Lis:
Sure.
Marlee:
If they were abusive in their past relationship, chances are they're going to be abusive in the current relationship. If they were manipulative in the past relationship, or selfish or lazy, again, chances are they're going to repeat that behavior.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
By the way, if they suffered from mental illness or addiction in their last relationship, unless they've had intensive therapy and rehab and they're really actively working on those issues.
Lis:
Sure.
Marlee:
Their behavior's not going to change for you. I mean, it just won't.
Lis:
Okay, so here's my question on all of this.
Marlee:
Sure.
Lis:
I think yes, past behavior is an accurate predictor. But like you said, most people don't want to own their own crap, so you may not even know about that old crap that they're bringing in until you get involved in this relationship. Right? Because you've got blinders on too, and they're only going to tell you how awful their ex was and all of the things that they did.
Marlee:
Okay, but that's, but that's a great example.
When people describe their past relationships or partners in an incredibly negative way all the time, and blame everything on that person.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Red flag.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Be aware.
Lis:
You're totally right.
Marlee:
Because if the person's not willing to take any personal responsibility for the failure of the previous relationships, what does that tell you?
Lis:
It’s so right. Yeah.
Marlee:
Every person has to have accountability in a relationship.
Lis:
And that's exactly it. Yep.
Marlee:
When things work and when things don't. So, if all the person is telling you is that they were involved with these nut jobs that like did horrible things.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
You should instantly have the hairs on the back of your neck standing up.
Lis:
You're so right. Deflect, deflect, deflect.
Marlee:
Again, their past is an accurate predictor.
Lis:
Yeah. Because they're going to do the exact same thing to you in their next relationship.
Marlee:
I mean, and listen I always say this to people, no matter how into the person you are, take everything they say with a grain of salt.
Not because I think they're liars, but because you and I both know everybody has their own perception of what happened.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And everybody has their own perspective, right? Their own point of view. And so, it could that their perceptions are their truth, so to speak.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Not reality, not fact, but their truth.
Lis:
You're right.
Marlee:
How they saw things going down. That's the kind of thing I'm talking about.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
It might be, let's say that a relationship ended because they considered that person abusive to them, and they tell you the story about, oh, she would bitch at me all the time and she'd scream at me and she'd tell me I was awful. And you know…
Lis:
Slam the dishes in the sink.
Marlee:
Slam the dishes. And here you are at dinner going, oh my God, she's a monster. I'm not a monster. Oh, I couldn't imagine being with a monster. It must have been horrible for you. And then meanwhile, if you spoke to her and you actually had a video camera, you know what I mean?
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Going on, you'd see. She was yelling at him because he was late again for a dinner arrangement they had because he was busy getting a drink with his friends. He continuously left a mess in every single room and expected her to pick it up, and she eventually just started screaming at him and calling him a lazy slob.
He got drunk and like peed in the corner and destroyed their couch and rug. You know what I mean? It's like, so yeah. From his perspective, she's screaming at him. She's calling him names.
Lis:
Right. Right.
Marlee:
She's putting him down. But from her perspective, she had some legitimacy.
Lis:
Yeah. That nanny cam came in handy for her.
Marlee:
Yeah. You get what I mean?
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
So it's like, again, you could hook him up to a lie detector.
Lis:
And he would pass.
Marlee:
And he'd pass because he legitimately thinks he didn't do anything wrong.
Lis:
That’s right.
Marlee:
And vice versa, she'd pass in thinking that she had every right to say the things that she said.
Lis:
I guess that's why we lied to ourselves.
I don't know. Right?
Marlee:
Yeah. That's the kind of thing that I am talking about. People need to really look at the person's behavior.
Lis:
Yes. Right.
Marlee:
We've talked about behavior as proof of intention versus words.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
So again, if the person is telling you that they're going to do certain things, and they didn't do them in their past relationships, what makes you think they're going to change?
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And all of a sudden do them in the relationship they have with you.
Lis:
Yeah. Your right.
Marlee:
You know what I mean? Whether it's being financially responsible or spending appropriate amounts of time with you,
Lis:
Or being on time.
Marlee:
Or treating you with respect or, I don't know, not committing any type of infidelity or like all these types of things are super important.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And yet people want to believe that somehow the past is the past, but you and I both know if you aren't actively willing to take that deep dive.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Take the personal responsibility, be accountable. Really think about why things didn't work out in your past relationship, and whatever you recognize was your ownership.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
What part you did. That's the only way you're going to be able to change your behavior going forward with another person. Listen, people do evolve.
Lis:
Of course.
Marlee:
You and I have always said that. But it's usually there's a reason for it. Like something dramatic came and sort of woke them up out of their daze.
Lis:
You're right.
Marlee:
You know what I mean?
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Something happened that made them decide, dang, I need to like change my behavior going forward.
Lis:
That's right. Maybe it was a health problem. Maybe there was a death of somebody.
Marlee:
Exactly. I wasn't putting enough priority on my relationship.
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
Maybe the loss made them realize, wow, I have to be more thoughtful to the people that are with me or they're more empathetic or something.
Exactly. That is usually what make people change who they are, or I should say like evolve, grow, and become a healthier version of hopefully their prior selves.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Another thing that I really want people to understand is if you want to also see how somebody's going to treat you, look at how they treat their family.
Lis:
Ooh.
Marlee:
Look at how they treat their friends.
Lis:
That is huge.
Marlee:
I remember you, you once said in one of our podcasts about how they treat like wait staff or like service people or coworkers.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Because guess what? You're going to see similar patterns of behavior.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And so if the person is being disrespectful about their ex and you're thinking, oh yeah, well the ex deserves it.
Wait and see how they speak to their family. And if you're seeing them being really rude or inappropriate or thoughtless to their family, maybe take a step back and go, huh, well, if they're doing that to their family, they probably did that in their last relationship, which means…they're probably going to do it to me.
Lis:
That's like such a huge example right there, because your family's not necessarily going anywhere.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
And so you have that as real life almost witness to what their personality is continually going to be like.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
They're rude, they're disrespectful. They don't show up on time.
They don't show up to events. All of those different kinds of things…
Marlee:
They're, they're responsible. They're thoughtless, they're selfish. You can gauge it.
Lis:
It's a way to kind of be able to almost see into a crystal ball because you obviously were not a fly on the wall in their past relationship, but that is a really great live example of how they interact with the people that they care about and love.
Marlee:
It's so true.
I mean, listen. You know as well as I do, people follow the same patterns right over and over again.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
That's because they usually lack self-awareness. They usually don't recognize that they're even behaving in a certain manner. Right?
Lis:
That’s right.
Marlee:
And it's interesting because I will also say even when people think that they have evolved or changed, it's often not that they themselves have evolved or changed or their behaviors have changed.
It's that the way that the behavior's being displayed, right? The sort of manner of how the behavior's being displayed. I'll give you an example. If somebody was controlling in a past relationship. And the way they were able to exert their control, let's say, is because they were the person that was financially dominant.
And their partner was financially dependent on them. And so they used that as a way to like control a lot of aspects of the relationship.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
And that relationship ends. Then say they end up in a new relationship with you and you're financially independent.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
So that they can't control you through finances.
Guess what? They're just going to take that same behavior and maybe all of a sudden they're going to start trying to dictate who you're friends with.
Lis:
It manifests in a different way.
Marlee:
Exactly, yeah. Or they're going to try and dictate like, you know, what you eat or…
Lis:
How you dress.
Marlee:
How you dress. Exactly. Or there'll be other aspects
of that controlling behavior that will show through just because they can't do the financial control, that behavior will still come in other ways. So you're right, it might seem to outsiders that, oh, well no, the same problems that exist in the prior relationship won't because it's a different person with a different situation.
But guess what? Again, certain behaviors will persist unless somebody actively recognizes them as being an issue, as being a problem.
Lis:
Right. That's why communication is so important.
Marlee:
Huge. And it's also so important to set those boundaries early on.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Because if you set the boundaries and you let somebody know what you did in past relationships, that's the past.
I'm telling you what my boundaries. I'm communicating them. I'm telling you my expectations. I'm telling you my wants and needs.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
I'm a romancipated person.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
And if you are not going to meet these, you know what I mean, and I consider some of your past behaviors as a violation of some of these things, then it's not going to work out.
I'm not saying people can't change. I'm not saying they can't evolve. I'm saying it's very unlikely.
Lis:
It's a huge indicator of how they're going to be in future relationships.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
Unless one of those big life events kicks them in the butt.
Marlee:
Yeah. Do you have any past experience in this?
Lis:
You know, I don't necessarily.
Marlee:
I will tell you where I have experienced this, I have been in two relationships where the men had let me know that their mothers…that's right. You know me, me and mothers, that their mothers had interfered in prior relationships.
Lis:
No way.
Marlee:
Yes. And they didn't say it directly like that. They weren't like, yeah, my mother interfered, but they'd say things like, my mom didn't like her. Do you know what I mean? And I foolishly didn't understand the code of what that meant.
Lis:
The mom bomb.
Marlee:
So, okay. So I have had that experience and it sucked. I think that there are a lot of people who find themselves in a pattern that they do recognize, but it is very difficult for them to break out of it.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
That particular behavioral pattern, and again, like we've talked about with like, you know, baggage, things like that.
I think that if you are upfront and you let the person know that Hey, listen, I'm not telling you I necessarily can change this behavior.
Lis:
Right?
Marlee:
But I'm putting it out there. I do think that that is a fair way of approaching a relationship.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And then the other person has the option to say, okay, I'm going to accept it knowing that this comes with you and I'm just going to learn to deal with it.
Or I have the option to not accept it and to not engage in a relationship with you and move on.
Lis:
Yeah, exactly.
Marlee:
And I do think there are people like that out there. I have encountered people who are actually quite honest. And in those situations, if I think about my own personal experience, yes, I appreciated that they gave me the heads up.
I still chose not to engage…
Lis:
But you had the choice.
Marlee:
Yes. But I really appreciated that they put their cards on the table.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And they gave me the option.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships.
Today's topic, When People Think Their Partner Should Be Able to Read Their Mind.
Lis:
Ugh. Yeah.
Marlee:
Oh, I know. Both you and I do not have any sympathy…
Lis:
No sympathy.
Marlee:
For people who take this perspective whatsoever, but you know, why don't you go first?
Lis:
Oh my gosh. All right. Well, first off, assumptions can completely destroy a relationship. They just can.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
When you think he or she should know what I think or how I'm going to feel about certain issues, I shouldn't have to say it all the time. Is just garbage.
Marlee:
It's ridiculous. Thank you.
Lis:
It's just garbage. It's unfair to believe that you have hinted at something in the past or even sated something in the past, and that the other person is going to fully remember or understand the importance of that to you.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
It's to assume that because you're in a relationship with someone, that person will know you so completely and holy, that they can give you what you want and what you need at all the right times. Oh my God.
Marlee:
Bullshit.
Lis:
Bullshit. No one can read your mind no matter how long you've been together.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Ever. It doesn't matter how many times you've said the same thing, they're not going to automatically know that that is what you're thinking in that moment?
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
I mean, now if they're looking at my face, just kidding, each person brings a unique set of ideas, opinions, expectations, and the ways that they're going to do things.
So even if you have a good idea of how your partner might react, or respond to that situation, you actually can never know for sure until you actually communicate verbally with that person.
Marlee:
Thank you. Thank you. Okay. Those are awesome. So I'm going to start by saying that this is unfortunately an incredibly common problem.
Lis:
Oh, it is. Yeah.
Marlee:
In couples.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
It often generates disappointment conflict and feelings of insecurity amongst the couple that were completely unnecessary and easily avoidable.
Lis:
Yeah. That's right.
Marlee:
It signals poor communication between the two partners. It is an immature behavior. It's very disrespectful to your partner.
Lis:
Of course, it is.
Marlee:
I absolutely think that it makes it impossible for your partner to do the right thing in your eyes.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
It puts unrealistic expectations on your partner and unnecessary pressure. People change their minds all the time. So it would be impossible to know what your partner is thinking, feeling, or wanting at any given moment.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It indicates a fear of letting the other person know what you want and need from them, because if you need to be passive aggressive and then expect them to figure it out, instead of just being direct. I think that's very much based on fear of rejection in some way.
Lis:
Yes. Yes, it is. You're right. Wow. Good point.
Marlee:
I think it sets up your partner for failure.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It does not prove how much they love you or if they're paying a attention to you.
Lis:
No. Nope.
Marlee:
It does not. I think it is a huge red flag when you expect a person to be able to read your mind.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
If you want something or you need something, let the other person know.
And I mean directly, Lis, as in I need fill in the blank. I want fill in the blank. It would be great if for the next gift you got me, it was fill in the blank. You know what I mean? That way you're getting what you want, you're expressing yourself. Your partner feels like they can actually give you what you want.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
And that there's an atmosphere where they can let you know what they want.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
And it becomes mutually satisfying. When you want somebody to read your mind. It's like this purity test like you had said. It's impossible. No one's going to be able to live up to that insane expectation.
Lis:
No, it's garbage.
Marlee:
Nobody can read your mind.
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.Romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released.
Also make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast, please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify. Reviews let Apple know that great listeners like you enjoy our show and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again and stay Romancipated.