S2 Episode 10: Stop Trying to Create Movie Moments
Episode Summary
Who doesn’t love a good romcom, chick flick or trashy novel? While these types of stories entertain and move us, they unfortunately also have a sinister side. They create unrealistic ideas about what love, passion and a romantic relationship should look like. Too many of us fall prey to the idea that if someone really cares, they will fight for us or move mountains to make it work.
Romantic relationships can and should have moments of passion and gestures of love, but there is so much more to a successful relationship. Instead of focusing on grand displays of affection, people should appreciate the subtler signs that a partner respects you, admires you and wants to make your life better by meeting your emotional and physical needs.
When you focus on the partnership, instead of the picture-perfect idea of romance and love, you can find your own definition of happiness. Creating drama in hopes of inciting a positive reaction rarely works and often just creates confusion and tension in a relationship. Live in reality with your partner. Let fantasy be entertainment, not a relationship goal.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss snooping in your partner’s phone without permission.
Show Notes
Almost all of us are all guilty of trying to recreate movie moments in our relationships. We’ve been programmed to fall in love with a particular idea of a romantic relationship, but this type of love is improbable. Whether good or bad, you may find yourself trying to create drama in your relationship for the sake of these moments.
A lot of people build up unrealistic expectations to create situations and scenarios that reflect movie moments, when in reality, no matter what the grand gesture is, it will probably never meet your expectations. Some of the best moments in your relationship aren’t the big passionate gestures, but rather the small caring ones.
Your relationship does not need to be perfectly orchestrated, nor does it need to reflect a picture-perfect relationship like those you see on social media. Figure out what happiness looks like for you and go with that. Remember what the value of a partner is for you and be thankful for the everyday things your partner already does.
You may miss out on a wonderful partnership because you don’t get the over-the-top gestures you think you should be experiencing. Ideal concepts of passion, attraction, and commitment can lead you to lose sight of what’s right in front of you. Remember that grand romantic gestures don’t guarantee a committed, long-lasting relationship.
Today’s vent session topic is: When people read their partner’s text messages without the person’s knowledge. It’s a huge violation of trust, boundaries and is a serious red flag. It signals insecurity, and if you feel the need to do this, you shouldn’t be in the relationship.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating, and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
Today's topic, Stop Trying to Create Movie Moments.
Lis:
Oh my God.
Oh, Lis I think all of us are guilty of this.
Lis:
Of course we are.
Marlee:
I certainly think women are much more guilty of this than men.
Lis:
Much more guilty. Yes.
Marlee:
Even though men love their movie moments, but it's not the kind that I'm thinking about.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
So I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic.
Lis:
Okay. So. There's so many thoughts going on in my head right now. It's all kind of going back to, I feel like our entire life we've been programmed to fall in love with this idea of almost like an improbable, romantic relationship, right?
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Like starting back from like all like the Disney movies that we watched when we were little and it was always like, you know, this princess that had no mom and you know, she fell in love with her prince and it's improbable and I think that you're sitting there even today. So even if you have a partner and you're sitting on the couch with them and you're watching these adorable romantic movies, you're thinking like, oh my God, that could happen to me.
Meanwhile, you're looking across the couch and you're in your fat sweatpants and you know your partner's like scrolling on his phone, and you're like, well, that's not my reality. I think that we set ourselves up to have this expectation of what romance should be from something that is 99.9% of the time not a reality.
Marlee:
Exactly. Okay. So you are tapping into one of the elements of this topic for me. Yeah, certainly I think there are these ideal, like you said romantic moments. People want the ideal first date, the ideal proposal, the ideal, how they met story. But I have to tell you, when I say create movie moments, I'm certainly talking about those.
But I also think through movies and through fairy tales and stories and books in society, so many women also create these movie type of moments, even when there's conflict.
Lis:
Ooh.
Marlee:
They want this drama.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
They want these grand gestures.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And that doesn't necessarily mean positive grand gestures. For me, I think where I have been guilty, at least in my past okay, of creating movie moments, is I would get into some type of argument and I wanted this grand gesture or, or comment.
Lis:
Ohhh, yes.
Marlee:
Okay. You know what I mean? From the guys.
Lis:
Yes, yes.
Marlee:
Like if I said I'm just no longer happy. I needed him to be like, but you are the only one I've ever loved. What can I do to make you happy? And I caught myself in my younger years doing that kind of stuff.
Lis:
I think that happens a lot.
Marlee:
I do too.
Where I somehow set the poor guy up because I needed him to do some grand gesture.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
That proved how much he cared. And it took me a while to realize that's not how most people tick. That is a movie moment. Most people are just not that passionate. They're just not that over the top. If anything, most people are pretty protective of their feelings.
Lis:
Yeah, absolutely.
Marlee:
And they're not going to show all their cards when they're feeling hurt and they're not going to fight for you because guess what? They don't want to be rejected.
Lis:
And all those feelings that you are feeling inside feeling, does he not love me enough?
Marlee:
That's right. Fight for me, of course, fight for me.
Lis:
At the same time this poor schmuck is thinking like…
Marlee:
What did I do?
Lis:
I have no idea what I just did. I need to think about this for like five minutes.
Marlee:
Like yes, exactly. Passion is a wonderful thing.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And so, I think that a lot of people, they get in their heads with these unrealistic expectations.
Something we've talked about.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
But not only in terms of qualities or traits they might be looking for in somebody or that they might think they themselves have.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
But they want these situations, what I call these movie moments. And often I think that the movie moments just give us a very false sense of reality.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
We don't actually want the movie moments.
Lis:
No. And they never live up to your expectations.
Marlee:
Never.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Never.
Lis:
No matter what it is, no matter what the grand gesture is. The second that you start replaying it or talking about it with a friend, you're like, oh yeah. I mean, I guess that fell short.
Or they're like, oh, then what happened? And you're like, well, nothing. That was it. We went to dinner. You know? I'm just like, there's supposed to be more that happened.
Marlee:
It's so funny that you say that because I was just thinking some of the best moments I have had with past partners as well as with my husband…
…is these really small gestures.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Like I'm watching TV and I'm too lazy to get off the couch and get a blanket even though I'm obviously cold and all of a sudden, I'll feel a blanket put on me. Do you know what I mean?
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It's like, it's not this grand passionate gesture, but I'm thinking to myself, oh my God, but he noticed and put it on me.
Lis:
That's what it is.
Marlee:
That's what I mean. And I feel like we often don't value those little small things that our partner does, like getting the morning coffee right. These like little sort of gestures that I think are so much more meaningful to a relationship.
Lis:
Well, they're intimate.
Marlee:
That's right. And I think they say so much more about the respect that exists in the relationship than these like ideal passionate, I don't know, like crazy moments.
Lis:
Yeah. Like now you feel like everything has to be so blown up.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And so perfectly orchestrated.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
That one. It makes people feel like, oh man, that should be my relationship. Why aren't we doing all of those things? But I think you made such a beautiful point by saying it really is a lot of the little things that nobody else sees or nobody else would even notice but you.
Marlee:
That's right. You always bring up the social media Which I love.
I think that, like you said, because it's so curated, because people are looking for these big moments, right? It often creates disappointment when the disappointment never should have been created.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
It creates this false sense of reality, which then leaves people feeling disappointed and questioning the value of their relationship or their partner.
And when in fact it's nonsense. And that is, I think, why I want to say to people, stop trying to create these movie moments.
Lis:
Well, I think you have to figure out what happiness means to you and then let go of the rest. Nobody else's opinion needs to be a part of your relationship.
Marlee:
I agree. I think grand romantic gestures, while they can be wonderful, they really don't say anything about the value of a partner.
Lis:
No, because they're also hit and miss, right? Like they happen.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
It’s not as though these grand gestures are happening every day.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
This is also something that for the most part is orchestrated, right? Like a proposal or like a big birthday party or some big huge event that then you're going to like blow up.
But these are like the everyday things.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
That you need to have to sustain and build a loving relationship.
Marlee:
Absolutely. So, let me ask you, do you think based on so much of the social media and what we call the movie moments, do you think people are missing out on potentially great relationships because they're so focused on trying to find those types of experiences?
Lis:
Oh my gosh. I think that's a really, really good question. And I think, yes.
Marlee:
I do too. I do too.
Lis:
I think that people are seeing all of these things being orchestrated in other people's lives, not knowing really what's going on behind the scenes.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
And looking at either their current partner or somebody that they're may be interested in and talking to and realizing like, Ooh, that's not going to be my lifestyle with you.
And moving on from this perfectly happy, good relationship because they're waiting for these huge grand gestures. When really all of their needs are being met in the relationship.
Marlee:
Thank you. Yes. Yeah. I think they're so focused on this ideal concept of sexual attraction, passion.
Commitment even.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
You know what I mean? They lose sight of what's really being offered. And often there are a lot of people that actually could fulfill their wants and needs.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
The things that are really going to sustain a long-term relationship. And I'm not telling you that it's not nice to have the occasional, really awesome experience.
Lis:
It’s wonderful.
Marlee:
But certainly, in my marriage, I have found that the things that my husband has done for me or that I have done for him have not come from this place of, I want to impress you. But more I want to show you how much I honor you.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
I want to show you how much I respect you.
I want to show you how happy you've made me. Does that make sense?
Lis:
Yeah, it totally does.
Marlee:
And I feel like that can happen in lots of little ways. It doesn't have to be these big, grand gestures. Even when we have a conflict, I have found that when I actually listen to what my husband is saying, which is rare, you know, but when I do, and then I take a step back and I actually validate him and I say, I do understand why you're coming from this point of view.
And I then sort of expand so that he knows I actually do. I see him soften. Do you know what I mean? And that makes me warm inside. When I see him soften. Because I feel like in that moment there's this intimate connection. And it's silent. It's just the simplest body movement and sort of his face relaxes.
You feel the tension sort of leaving.
Lis:
He feels understood.
Marlee:
Yes. And that makes me feel closer to him.
Lis:
I'm just thinking back to past relationships. Have you ever had a past relationship where there was a lot of grand gestures, because I have? T
Marlee:
Tell me about it.
Lis:
Okay, so I had a relationship in college and it was grand gesture after grand gesture.
And I actually kind of felt unseen, which is weird because normally you feel like, oh, it's the female and you know, like I would want all these grand gestures. I actually hate being the center of attention. And so for me, I kind of felt like this person didn't know me. There would be all of these grand gestures, and I was like, you're overcompensating, like you're overcompensating for all of this stuff that should be in our relationship.
That's not, and of course I didn't see this until after we were no longer together, but looking back on it, I. Gosh, because my friends would be like, oh my God, isn't it amazing he did this for you and he filled your room with balloons? And then he…
Marlee:
I had a boyfriend fill my room with balloons and I was, and annoying the hell out of me because I had to pop them all to get them out.
Lis:
See, I was like, now what do you want me to do with all of these? Now I'm supposed to be at practice. I'm supposed to be doing this. I have to pop these balloons. It just felt like there was such an overcompensation for the things that were really missing that, Yeah, it seemed like fun and nice at the time.
I was just, I don’t know.
Marlee:
Okay. I agree. That is a great. The balloon thing I think is so funny, but you then triggered memories in me and I agree. I have had relationships where men have done these very grand, sort of romantic gestures and in the moment, they did make me uncomfortable. Now that I think back.
And I felt like I had to make a big deal over it.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And like gush and talk about how much I appreciated it. But I actually ended up recognizing that I appreciated the effort, but I didn't appreciate the end result. Does that make sense? Like I absolutely appreciated the effort it took to fill a room with balloons…
Lis:
Hundred percent,
Marlee:
…but then the fact that I was stuck getting them all out and cleaning it up, do you know what I mean?
That irritated me, and then I felt like I was a bit of a bitch for being irritated. But in retrospect, what would've been more thoughtful? Was the gesture, truly something that these guys were doing to show us that they cared because did they actually fully think it through?
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Like, who is going to clean this up, right? And who is going to deal with this? And trust me, trying to get to your bed when your bedroom is filled with balloons, it's very frustrating.
Lis:
Oh really?
Marlee:
These are all things that I guess I want people to really think about and consider, because throughout Romancipation we are going to keep stressing the importance of really digging deep and understanding…
…not what you think you need or you think you want, but what you really actually do need.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
And what you really actually do want from a partner and a relationship. And I think that when you figure out what really is going to fill your emotional bucket, so to speak, that's when you're going find that great person.
We often go for things that we think we want, but we don't actually want or need once we get them.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When People Read Their Partners Text Messages Without the Person's Knowledge.
Lis:
The snooping.
Marlee:
The snooping. All right. Do you mind if I go first?
Lis:
Please do.
Marlee:
It is a huge violation of boundaries.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It is a huge violation of trust.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
I think it is a serious red flag. It signals incredible insecurity, jealousy, or suspicion on the part of the snooper.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
If you feel you need to do this, you should not be in this relationship.
Lis:
No way.
Marlee:
It shows no respect between the two partners. It may reveal things you would prefer not to know.
Lis:
No kidding.
Marlee:
It's a very bad practice unless you're looking for evidence of an affair, in which case go ahead. As long as you have other evidence that supports someone is messing around. In some instances, it could be considered a crime, especially if it happens to be a work phone with sensitive information on it.
Lis:
Oh, that's a good one.
Marlee:
It can also be dangerous if the person finds out, especially if they have a violent temper. And for me it is an instant deal breaker, and I think it would be the same for many people if they found out that you had done it and the relationship would be over.
Lis:
Yeah. Close the books.
Marlee:
So those are mine.
Lis:
Those are really good ones.
Marlee:
Let me hear yours.
Lis:
All right. I want to start off by saying that I think if you're overthinking your current relationship based on what you've experienced in the past and you're taking that with you, snooping to this level is just alerting you that this is not a relationship that you're ready for at this point.
Marlee:
Agreed.
Lis:
Are you snooping because your partner is manipulative? Is this partner feeding on your insecurities and trying to make you jealous? You have to think about all those things when you're in this. So snooping says that not only are you insecure, you aren't in a trusting relationship. A relationship without trust can't work.
And if you want to know something and you can't ask your partner, then you're also not in the right relationship.
Marlee:
A ding-ding.
Lis:
It turns you into somebody you don't really want to be.
Marlee:
Right.
Lis:
It sabotages closeness. Right?
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
You end up knowing like all of these things, it puts you in a weaker position.
And have you ever had somebody that has been a snooper and then given you information that they shouldn't know and all of the sudden you're like, wait, how do you know that?
Marlee:
Oh, so they accidentally reveal themselves?
Lis:
Oh yeah.
Marlee:
Yeah. Oh, so bad. Like I said, that's a dangerous one,
Lis, and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast or to learn more about us visit www.romancipation.com.
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