S3 Episode 3: Stop Being a Chicken: Ask the Right Questions and Listen to the Answers
Episode Summary
One of the cornerstones of a healthy romantic relationship is clear, open and honest communication. Yet for so many people, asking questions about important things like feelings, intentions, family planning, finances and sexual needs feels difficult, scary and inappropriate. The fact is, the only way you will know if your wants and needs match up with a potential partner or a current partner is by asking them questions and listening to their answers.
It is natural to feel apprehensive about receiving an answer you don’t want to hear, especially if it is from someone you care about. However, the alternative of living in a state of limbo feels uncomfortable and unnecessary. When you don’t know what your partner is thinking, you tend to fill in the blanks. If you happen to be wrong, the relationship can end up in a place where both of you are unhappy and dissatisfied.
Uncovering information and intentions from a partner takes skill, patience and a willingness to listen. Moreover, you need to give your partner time to answer questions and accept that their answer may not be what you expected or desired. You would rather know the truth and make an informed decision about your future than stay in the dark.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss when a partner gives their mate the silent treatment.
Show Notes
The quality of communication you have in your relationship is an indicator of what your relationship will be able to overcome. One aspect of healthy communication is being able to ask the right questions. If you’re afraid to ask a question or make a statement about something you want your partner to know, it’s a red flag.
Being afraid signals that you may be afraid of the answer, or it may mean you’re avoiding frustration. Healthy communication is communication without fear. Some people tend to ask questions in a generalized way to avoid directly expressing what they want to.
When you are asking the important questions, you have to be willing to go deep. For example, imagine the discussion of kids. Knowing whether or not they want to have kids is just the beginning. Do they want to have kids with you? When do they want to have kids? You have to ask the questions you really want the answers to.
Asking the right questions is crucial, but so is listening to the answer. You can’t just accept what you want to hear. Give the person time to think about their answer and truly listen to what they say and the way they say it. Having intentional and specific conversations is necessary for big things and little things in your relationship.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When your partner gives you the silent treatment. It's manipulative and immature behavior. It creates a hostile environment in the relationship. It’s a flat-out refusal to discuss the underlying issue, so nothing gets resolved.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
Today's topic. Stop Being a Chicken: Ask the Right Questions and Listen to the Answers.
Lis:
Okay, so because I know you so well, I know that you are going to love this topic because you ask questions.
Marlee:
Don't, I love them all.
Lis:
Well, you love every topic, but this one in particular, because you have a legal background, you ask so many good questions.
Marlee:
I do.
Lis:
And so many people cannot do that.
Marlee:
Thank you. I do love the question. Yes, I do. So this topic is important to me as I think they all are, that we discuss, because this really is one of the important components of communication and good communication skills in a relationship is so important.
Lis:
It's vital.
Marlee:
I mean it, they really are, again, one of these cornerstones of relationships. Being able to communicate with another person, particularly a partner that you're in a romantic relationship with, it's night and day as to what you can overcome, because every relationship, right, Lis, they have their ups and downs.
If you can communicate well, you can make it through the worst downs, and you can really enjoy and derive a lot of benefit from the most ups. Does that make sense?
Lis:
I really love that. Yeah. I love that.
Marlee:
So, okay. Asking the right questions. If you're afraid to ask a question about something you want to know or afraid to make a statement about, something you want your partner to know or understand, that's a red flag for me.
Lis:
It should be.
Marlee:
Yeah. It's a red flag for me because it means one of two things. Either you are afraid of what the answer is going to be, right. That it's going to be something you don't want to hear, which already…
Lis:
Which that happens a lot.
Marlee:
Yes. Which already tells me there's going to be an issue in the relationship.
Or the second thing is that if you are afraid to ask the right questions or to state your wants or your needs, then I know you're not going to get what you want and there's going to be frustration, right? You're not going to be able to communicate to your partner your thoughts and feelings. And that's just going to cause frustration.
So I always think that a very healthy relationship has a lot of good communication without fear. And I think that that is how you very quickly figure out if in fact, this person's good fit.
Lis:
I think that right there is such a great point. The not fear part, because a lot of people fear asking the question because they don't really want the answer.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Right? Like they don't want the answer or they kind of know what their partner is thinking and what lines they're thinking. So, if they ask the question, then they either have to make the decision to move on or to keep participating in relationship that's not going to fulfill them.
Marlee:
Oh my god.
Yes, yes, yes, yes. So, this is why I want to sort of talk about not only the questions, but how you ask the questions because I think you nailed it. People have this preconceived idea of what they're going to hear or what they want to hear. And they ask questions usually in a very general way.
Lis:
To like skirt around the answer.
Marlee:
I don’t know if it's just skirt around or if it's just them not being as focused as they should, but l’ll give you a classic example of this.
So a lot of women and men, when they first start dating, there's a topic, especially as they're getting to like, eh, you know, like their mid-twenties and older. The big topic that tends to like always be the big elephant in the room is children.
Dun, dun, dun. Right?
Lis:
Yeah. You know, because it's a huge life commitment.
Marlee:
That's right. It's absolutely a life altering decision. And whether you want to have children or not, for many people is an absolute deal breaker, and I get that because it is such a big component of your future if you choose to have them.
Okay? So, I think that there are a lot of people who will get the advice, well, you should ask the person if in fact they're interested in having children, because if they're not and you are, then don't waste each other's time. Great advice to a point. But here's the deal. Often if you ask a general question of somebody that you're first dating or even somebody that you've been dating for a while, you're probably not going to get a completely accurate answer.
What I mean by that is if I say, hey honey, would you want to have children in the future?
Lis:
Sure.
Marlee:
Exactly. Most people will just sort of be like, yeah, sure.
Lis:
Even if they don't know, it's kind of a normal answer. Maybe, Sure.
Marlee:
That's right. Exactly. And so then if you don't ask another follow-up question, you might walk away with a false sense of, oh wow, yeah, they do want children.
This is great. Now we can continue moving on. But I would always recommend you ask the next follow-up question. And the next follow up question would be like, okay, so you are interested in having children in the future. Would you be interested in having children with me? Very different question.
Lis:
That's such a different question. I'm shaking my head and I'm thinking, oh, here's Marlee's lawyer, her legal, like mind working. She's like, well, I know you want to have kids, but you want to have kids with me? Like, is that true?
Marlee:
Yeah, that's right. Like they're on the stand. Do you want to have kids with me? No. No, but I mean, the general concept…
Lis:
It's so true how that can be such a different answer.
Marlee:
Yeah. The general concept of, yeah, I could see having children. Sure. Versus children with you? And that's a whole other thing right now. Let's say that then this same hypothetical date says, yeah, no, I could see us having children together. You're like, awesome. Score. Check the box twice.
Okay. I'm telling you, you’ve got to push it even further.
Lis:
She's going to get deeper.
Marlee:
And the next question is, okay, do you see having children with me in the next two years? Okay, that is going to be a very potentially different answer because somebody might not be ready financially.
Lis:
Right. Or somebody might also just need a second to think about that too, right?
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
I mean, that's like a hot question. You're coming in hot with that one. Because if you're in a relationship and somebody's sitting across from you at a table and you're talking about having kids and you think this conversation is going well, and you're like, yeah, I mean, I, I would like to have kids with you.
Sure. Why? How about in the next two years? And you might need a minute for that. Oh my God. Yeah. I mean, that's a deep question.
Marlee:
Exactly.
Lis:
And it's going to change the whole course of your relationship. But ignorance is not bliss, right?
Marlee:
Correct.
Lis:
So, if you don't get the answer to that very specific question, then you actually are…
going through this relationship with blinders on, right?
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Like you're hearing what you want to hear, you've gotten so far down the path, but that question right there is what you need the answer to move a forward.
Marlee:
Because it’s game changer. Thank you. Exactly, it's a game changer. Somebody can conceptually want to have children.
Somebody could even conceptually want to have children with you. Especially if you know having sex with you. It gets him that much closer.
Lis:
Bonus.
Marlee:
Yeah, right. It's the bonus. But the moment you start putting a timeframe, that person, it becomes real. And they have to say, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. Now I have to think about this.
Is this actually a person I'd want to really have children with? Wait, are we financially ready? Am I ready in my career? Or even, you know, do I want to live more life independently or right?
Lis:
Have I traveled to the places I wanted to travel? Have I spent money on the ways that I wanted to spend them independently and freely?
Yeah. Do I even feel mature enough? You know, to be able to take on that kind of responsibility. So that's what I mean is that with each question you are getting more and more specific, but you're going to get the information that you actually want and need to make a romancipated decision. Right?
Because romancipation, it's about taking control of your destiny. It's about understanding what you want. What you need, right? It's about self-preservation. And so if you're asking those kinds of questions of your partner, even if you're afraid of what they might say, the information they're going to give to you, you can use to your benefit.
And I don't mean to try and then convince them.
Lis:
But that's actually what happens a lot. Right. You know, I mean, people don't really know how to listen very well.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And I feel as though so many people go into a conversation like that and hear what they want to hear.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Rather than listening to what the other person is actually saying.
And they also are listening to reply. So if we're having a conversation and you're telling me that, oh, I don't know, like I'm not really ready. I'm not even really hearing that.
Marlee:
Yep.
Lis:
At some points I'm hearing, well, you said you wanted to have kids. Not right now. I'm going, you know what, we're going to have kids right now.
You just said you want to have kids, so let's go for it. They're not totally hearing what the other person is saying or how they're saying it.
Marlee:
Exactly. And that's why listening to the answers is so important, because like you said, people fill in the blanks or they take clearly stated ideas, but they put their own spin on them.
Lis:
Their own spin.
And I do think that there's also an element where people need to be okay with not only practicing, listening to what another person is saying and not trying to read in between the lines and only the parts you want to hear, which is the point you made. But I also think that after you ask those types of questions, give the person time.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
To actually think about their answer. Don't per se, expect an instantaneous answer because you might be very surprised by how different that answer might be. The initial answer might be like, oh, whoa. Yeah, no, no, no. I don't, I don't want kids in the next two years, but if you say to the person, hey, when I say in the next two years, before you answer, just take some time.
Just think about it. Think about where you see yourself in the next two years, and then get back to me. That person might actually start thinking about it and realize, wait a second. No, I mean, you know, like I'm 28. I'd be 30 at that point. I'd probably be, at this point in my job or career, I can see like, you know, where we might now at this point want to be more settled. You might end up getting a shockingly different answer from the exact same person on the exact same topic, but just by giving them the chance to absorb the information.
Lis:
Absorb it. And then also people's lives change over two years.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
I would say if you have a really solid foundation and a solid relationship, and actually if you're able to have that type of conversation with someone, not only do you give them the time, but you give them the opportunity to kind of grow in that timeframe too.
Like it can't be like, well, you said we're not having kids in the next two years. See, I'm going to kick you to the curb. Give a person the opportunity, like so many curve balls happen in life.
Marlee:
No, you're right. You're right.
Lis:
So it's as though as you just don't want to make such a harsh decision based on the reaction of an instantaneous moment.
Marlee:
Yeah. Listen, I think that's true. You don't want to apply pressure because when you do, like you said, you end up manipulating the end result.
Lis:
Manipulation. I love that. Yes. True.
Marlee:
And when it could have been, if you just let it naturally evolve, it could have ended up in a situation that would actually be what you're looking for.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Versus you trying to sort of manipulate it into fitting what you want in the moment or what you want to hear. I'll give you another example of where it's not just the big things, you know, it's little things that I think start fights and conflicts in relationships all the time. And again, it's because the communication isn't clear.
And I'll give you a perfect example, right? We all like to eat, right?
Lis:
I love to eat.
Marlee:
I do too. We all get hungry and I think it's very common for a couple, one person to say, What do you want to eat tonight?
Lis:
Ugh. Yeah, I know.
Marlee:
And what's the common response?
Lis:
Whatever.
Marlee:
Or I don't know. What do you want? Right. You know what I mean?
Lis:
I feel like I had this conversation weekly.
Marlee:
Exactly. And it becomes frustrating. But here's how you instantly eliminate that frustration from your life Lis. Instead of asking, what do you want? You kind of already have a sense of what you might want to eat. Like, are you in the mood for Italian?
Are you in the mood for Chinese. So instead of saying, what do you want to eat, you offer your partner the option. So you say, hey, listen for dinner, would you prefer Italian or Asian? And let's say your partner then says, oh, you know what? I actually would prefer Asian. And even though you might say you want Chinese again, say, well, when you say Asian, do you want Chinese?
Do you want Thai? Do you want Vietnamese? Do you want Korean? Be specific because chances are somebody's really, oh yeah, you know what? Korean barbecue, I love that. Yeah, let's do Korean. And you might say, yeah, you know what? Yeah, I didn't even think about that. Yeah, let's do Korean and it might alter where you guys go and you both end up with a very satisfying meal.
Lis:
Okay. No, I love that. No, and I think you might have just resolved our argument from last night, and I've done that instead of saying, oh, what do you want to eat? And then he rattles off like four or five different things, different food groups, and I'm just like, Nope, I don't want that. Nope. No, I wasn't feeling that.
I already knew what I wanted and I didn't exactly say it.
Marlee:
Exactly.
Lis:
And I was, you know, I was wanting sushi. And that was not in any of the categories he rattled off.
Marlee:
And that's what I mean. Oh my God, you know what, in all the Asian cuisine I mentioned, I didn’t say Japanese and I love Japanese food. Love all of them. But, so that's my point.
Is that you always have to think about how you're going to ask that question. And also if it's not a question, how to make a statement. And the statement could be something like, I don't feel you are giving me the respect I deserve in this relationship. Or I don't think you are being responsible with our finances.
Again, very scary things to say to your partner, but ultimately, if you are really afraid to say such crucial things for a relationship to be successful, then it's probably not a good relationship for you. Probably not a good fit. So, what I would say to you is if you are afraid of making big statements really stop and think about that.
And sometimes statements are so much easier if you form them as questions.
Lis:
They're a little bit less scary.
Marlee:
Right. A little less scary sometimes.
Lis:
Yeah. I'm, I'm going back in my head because I have never been very good at asking the right questions. And I think part of that is because I've always been in PR and marketing, so.
I'm always trying to kind of garner the right response that I need from whatever the situation is. And now that I'm like replaying certain conversations I've had with my partner now, or you know, past partners, I'm just like, oh my gosh, I might have even been PR-ing them. Like I was not asking direct questions because I was kind of trying to beat around the bush and get the response that I really wanted, even though I knew that that was maybe not what they were meaning.
Marlee:
And you usually didn't get the response that you wanted, did you?
Lis:
And I did not get the response I really wanted.
Marlee:
So let's take some of those. We'll use the example of, you know, I don't think you're really treating me with respect.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
Well, usually when you give a statement like that, you're going to get the instant defensiveness.
Lis:
It's a super defensive position.
Marlee:
Defensive position. You're like, what do you mean by that? You know? Well, you don't treat me with respect. Right?
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
It becomes this almost instantaneous. But if you say, let me ask you something. Do you think when I speak to you with a certain tone that I'm being disrespectful?
And if they stop and think and they're like, No, I don't really feel that way. You then have the opportunity to say, do you think you ever speak to me with a tone where I am feeling like you're being disrespectful? And again, they might say, yeah, yes. Chances are if they're men, they're going to say no.
But by asking a question, even though it's a scary thing, it does open the conversation. It does allow you to then say to them, well, you know what? So. When you speak to me with a certain tone, I do feel like you're disrespecting me.
Lis:
Hmm, I, you know what? I really like that because a statement also doesn't really allow for a conversation where a question can definitely feel softer and also open up the door to have a dialogue, rather than having that almost defensive statement like,
You are super disrespectful. Well, do you ever feel as though the way that you're speaking to me is in a disrespectful tone and changing just that little tidbit right there. Oh, it's like I feel like there's like sparkles.
Marlee:
Exactly. And now take it to the next level. Ask a follow up question. Like when you ask me to empty the dishwasher and you say to me, honey, did you empty the dishwasher?
That tone's very different than, hey, did you empty the dishwasher? No, but right?
Lis:
It does. Nobody wants to do the dishes.
Marlee:
But the moment you let them see that again, it's like, and then you say, do you see how the first tone I wouldn't have taken as disrespectful, but the second tone, almost I could read into it that you somehow thought I wasn't living up to my responsibilities in the house.
Lis:
Right. Oh, she's nagging me again. I didn't do it again. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I get it. No, so it's tone.
Marlee:
Well, I actually meant him nagging you, but okay.
Lis:
But, oh, he was asking me to empty the dishwasher?
Marlee:
He was disrespectful to you. No, but you get what I'm saying is that there's a lot of statements we want to make in our relationships that do feel very scary.
But we can, like you said, we can soften them by sort of forming questions, but we’ve got to get specific. We can start with general questions, but we’ve got to get more and more specific because when you do ask questions, people are more likely to give you an honest answer. When you just kind of throw out like, boom, that statement, you're much more likely to get that defensive pushback.
And so that is why I will always say, ask the right questions. Listen to the answers and give the person the time to respond because you are more likely to get the truth.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships.
Today's topic, When Your Partner Gives You the Silent Treatment.
Lis:
Yes. I love this topic.
Marlee:
Oh, so I have never actually done this to somebody and I've never had somebody do this to me, but I have heard a lot of people complain about it.
Lis:
Oh, I've been on both sides of this one.
Marlee:
Oh, then I'm going to be very interested to hear your vents.
Do you want to go first or do you want me to go?
Lis:
You go take this one.
Marlee:
Yeah. It shows an absolute lack of a healthy communication skillset.
Lis:
Sure does.
Marlee:
It's very disrespectful behavior towards your partner.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It can create instant resentment in the relationship.
Lis:
It does.
Marlee:
It is a manipulative behavior.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It is a very immature behavior.
Lis:
Yes, it is.
Marlee:
I consider it a form of emotional abuse.
Lis:
Mm-hmm. Okay. Okay. Yep.
Marlee:
It creates a hostile environment in the relationship.
Lis:
Yeah, it does.
Marlee:
I think it can make someone go crazy.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
I think it can also make some people become violent.
Lis:
Yeah. I would agree with that.
Marlee:
It's beyond passive aggressive.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And I think it's a huge red.
Lis:
Oh, raise that red flag. Yes, it definitely is.
Marlee:
Okay, so let me hear yours.
Lis:
Okay. So, I'm giggling at my own here already. Some people use the silent treatment to control the situation or conversation. I think some people use it to avoid taking responsibility or admitting a wrongdoing.
Marlee:
Ooh. Yeah.
Lis:
The silent treatment is a flat-out refusal to ever discuss the issue now or later.
Marlee:
Right.
Lis:
People use the silent treatment if they don't know how to express their feelings, but want their partner to know that they're upset.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
So, it's almost like an avoidance.
Marlee:
Right? Right.
Lis:
Oh, well, there you go. One word avoidance.
People stay silent in a conversation because they don't know what to say or want to try to avoid the conflict, and this is my personal favorite. Thanks for the silent treatment. I'll just enjoy some peace and quiet over here while you work it out.
Marlee:
Alright, those were very good. Yeah. I mean, listen, I am a talker, so I could not imagine being silent.
Like I could not imagine if I was angry with somebody, not saying something right or upset.
Lis:
Or like stewing in it. That's what happens. You just stew in it and then nothing gets resolved.
Marlee:
But I can't imagine the incredible frustration I would feel if I was trying to talk to somebody and they just remained silent and just stared at me.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Like I think that would make me go. You know, into a rage, possibly. Yeah. That's where I came off a violent one. I tried to imagine it and I was like, yeah, I think I would start raging.
Lis:
Just like following somebody around and you're just like, you're going to listen to me, you're going to listen to me.
Marlee:
Absolutely. All right. Those are some good ones. Excellent vents.
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released.
Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast, please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify reviews. Let Apple know that great listeners like you enjoy our show and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again and stay Romancipated.