Sometimes the Problem is You

00:00

Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve. 

00:30

It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated. 

Marlee:

On today's episode, Sometimes the Problem is You.

Lis:

Sometimes you’ve got to look in the mirror, baby. 

Marlee: 

Oh, that's right. Okay. So Lis, I am sure you have had the similar experience that I have. I have had a lot of friends who come to me and they will complain about how they cannot find the right relationship. 

01:01

Whatever relationship they get into, it keeps not working. 

Lis:

Oh yeah. 

Marlee:

And I always find it interesting because I sit and I listen very sympathetically and I'm like, oh yeah, I know. And that sucks everything. But then I start to realize, huh, I'm sensing a pattern here. 

Lis:

Yeah, I was going to say…

Marlee:

And the pattern that I am sensing and seeing and hearing is a really simple one. 

01:28

They're talking about these relationship failures. They're always dissing their partner. And it's funny because as they're saying, a lot of this, often I'm thinking to myself, huh, I don't think he did anything wrong. You know what I mean? And I'm thinking to myself, yeah, it's not him, it's you, and that is where I came up with this topic. 

01:57

Sometimes the problem is you. And I think there's a lot of people, men and women who absolutely lack a self-awareness. 

Lis:

Oh my God, for sure. Right? For sure. 

Marlee:

And they somehow think that they're picking the wrong person. And I'm not saying that can't be right of course, but it never occurs to them that maybe it's some aspect of their personality, some aspect of their communication style. 

02:31

Maybe the expectations they have are unrealistic. 

Lis:

I mean, listen, like I think people have such a hard time looking inside. Realizing that they're playing a part in their own suffering. 

Marlee:

Yes. 

Lis:

Right. I mean, because once you have to internalize that, and once you have to, I mean, really look in the mirror and say to your point that you had said like, you know, maybe it's the way that they're communicating with their partner, or maybe it's the fact that they're dissing their partner constantly and this kind of thing is happening over and over and over again.

03:06

Marlee:

Okay, so question? Would you tell your friend the problem's you, would you say it? 

Lis:

Okay, well, yes. I actually would. Really, I would, because if you're a good friend with somebody, wouldn't you want them to be happy? And of course, listen, you don't have to come out and say like, listen, sister, like have you tried thinking about the fact that maybe it's all about you.

03:28

Marlee:

Okay. But that's exactly what I would say.

Lis:

That's exactly what you would say? I would probably soft peddle a little, little bit and just kind of, you know, break it down for them and just talk about like the different problems they've been having and you know, maybe come to the conclusion themselves. 

03:44

Marlee:

So, you kind of put those breadcrumbs for them to follow?

Lis:

I think I would have to drop the breadcrumbs. Yeah. 

Marlee:

See, I have to say, I think that, look, there's certain personalities, there's certain experiences people have that just make them incompatible with a lot of people. 

Lis:

Yeah.  Right, not just even romantic partners.

04:03

Marlee:

That's right. But since our focus is romantic partners, that's where we'll focus on for today. Like I said, childhood experiences, maybe their mommies and daddies didn't love them enough. Maybe they didn't get enough attention. Maybe they learned certain social scripts or behaviors, and that's what they define as love or proof of somebody caring. 

04:27

I have found that the friends that I have had who have stayed single for a very long time, they are very much in control of what is happening. They like to think that they aren't, and they're sort of putting it out into the universe that it's so unfair. Right. And it's a delicate dance, like you said.

04:54

I have actually had to be that person to say, uh, have you ever considered, maybe it's you. And one of the ways I try to do that though is, is to sort of soften the blow as I'll be like, you know, maybe you should go to a therapist and talk about why you think you're having so many failed relationships. 

05:12 

Maybe you might get some insight. But the fact is, at least in my experience, I think the number one reason that people, if they experience a pattern of one failed relationship after another, is because of something that they are doing. And it can be either something that they are continuously looking for in a partner, do you know what I mean? 

05:33

Lis:

Right. They're expecting that one thing to kind of fix everything. 

Marlee:

That's right. Yeah. Like, let's say money. Like they'll only go after a person who makes a good income. And it doesn't matter if the individual's a piece of crap. 

05:49

Do you know what I mean? 

Lis:

Because they're focused on, because that was their narrow focus. 

Marlee:

That's right. Yeah. And so it never ends up working out. So in that sense, it really is, even if the person's a jerk, the fact that they're not recognizing that that potential mate is a jerk because they're so zeroed in on the earning potential.

06:05

Lis:

Right? Because they're bringing the one thing that exactly they thought was so important. 

Marlee:

That's right. Yeah. So I think there's that one. And then the other I think is their own behavior. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

That's the other one. That's the other factor is something about their behavior. Either these sort of insane expectations of how they should be treated. 

06:24

Or how their partner should display affection. That's what I've observed. 

Lis:

I mean, listen. Well, actually, I was going to ask you a question. When you talked to your friends about it, were they receptive to your feedback? 

Marlee:

No. 

Lis:

No, they weren't because they've become so in tune to only wanting what they want?

06:45

Marlee: 

Right. 

Lis:

Like, because you said they were in control. 

Marlee:

Well, you know, I think they don't see it. They don't see it. I think it's really hard to step outside of yourself, which is why part of the romancipation concept is to take control of your romantic life. Right. 

07:00

And to actually do a lot of investigation internally to actually ask what is my responsibility? Right? What's the personal responsibility I have in my situation?  I think for so many men and women, they always are more than willing to shove the responsibility for any kind of relationship failure onto the other person, but they rarely are willing to own what they have done.

07:26

Lis:

That is such a good point. It's true. You know, it's true. 

Marlee:

And I mean, look, I'll give you my own example. I have recognized throughout many of my relationships prior to my husband. That I didn't really respect the guy. Okay. 

Lis:

That's a big one. That's huge. 

Marlee:

That's huge. Yeah, because I couldn't figure out why our relationship would get to a certain point and then I just sort of a switch in me would be like, eh, not interested. 

07:52

Like I don't want to continue. It was interesting because I'm a serial monogamist and I've had a lot of long-term relationships. But around that one or two year period, it's not that the relationship had like these big red flags. There wasn't something that they had done that was so awful.

08:12

But I just found myself being like, Ugh, there's got to be something better out there. 

Lis:

Always looking around the corner. 

Marlee:

Yeah. And I started doing a lot of just sort of self-exploration and what I ended up recognizing is I need to really respect a person. And for so many of the men that I dated, while they were very nice guys, I didn't respect them. 

08:36

I didn't respect a lot of their opinions about the world. I didn't respect a lot of their behaviors and maybe how they interacted with other people, their families, friends. Things like that. And because I didn't respect them, I didn't value them. And because I didn't value them. The relationship…

Lis:

Could only go so far.

08:55

Marlee:

That's right. It would kind of just, you know, like fizzle out and when I met my husband, I just really respected him. It was just like, that was probably one of the first things I was like, damn. 

Lis:

So did you start to do this self-reflection after you had met your husband and realized that that was maybe the missing piece all along?

09:15

Marlee:

Yes, I never did therapy, so it's not like I ever had a person say to me, you know what, you're just not respecting the partners you're picking. But once I was with him, and I realized how much I respected him, the dynamic between us was so different.

Lis: 

And like that light probably went on in your head.

Marlee:

Exactly. 

09:36

Lis:

Oh my gosh, this is what's been missing all along because he checked all of the rest of those boxes. Yes. Except that one.

Marlee:

That's right. Yes. Yeah, so when I say sometimes the problem is you, it doesn't necessarily need to be like you have this really bad quality. 

09:52

Well, I guess maybe some people might say, me not being respectful. Well, I was respectful. I just didn't respect them. I don't know, but I do think that once you recognize that, that's huge. And for me, my sort of like wow moment was this recognition of, I was thinking that the relationships weren't working out the way I wanted because it was their fault. 

10:17

But the fact is it wasn't their fault. They were entitled to their opinions. They were entitled to their behaviors. Like I said, they weren't bad. It's just that I didn't respect them. So in retrospect, okay, wow. I'm just, it was me. Yeah. I was problem. It was me. 

10:32

Sometimes the problem is me. 

Lis:

I'm laughing so hard right now because…

Marlee:

No, the problem is me. 

Lis:

Well, the problem was you, but, there's this new Taylor Swift song and it's, hi, it's me. I'm the problem. 

Marlee:

Oh, well that’s my new anthem. 

Lis:

It's so appropriate right now to be having this conversation because it just makes me laugh. 

10:50

I just, you know, I think looking inside and internally, deep diving, I know we've talked about this in the past, but sometimes hindsight on relationships is so important after, your wounds have kind of healed and, and you've moved on. To really sit down and think about maybe what went wrong and looking through it. 

11:11

 I'm sure that, listen, a breakup doesn't really happen normally because one person has done something really horrible. It's usually a combination of multiple things that have happened and different personalities not meshing correctly or, your wants or desires have changed along the way.

11:31

Marlee:

Okay. Yes. And sorry to interrupt. You make a great point. I think that there are those like psycho relationships where it's like really extreme, some really extreme thing happened. 

Lis:

Absolutely. 

Marlee:

And yeah, the problem is you or the problem is the other person. But I agree with you. I think for most relationships it's not this explosive situation, right? 

11:50

It's death by a thousand cuts. 

Lis:

And your respect thing was the perfect example of that, right? Like after you got to dissect what kind of really went wrong in those relationships, and after you found kind of that missing link in your current partnership, all of the sudden it was. Like that's exactly what it was. 

12:09

That was what was missing all along. And sometimes you don't know it until you have it.

Marlee: 

Right. No, it was my aha moment. Yeah, you are correct. It's amazing how much you lack self-awareness when you are really emotionally invested in something. 

Lis:

It's so true.

Marlee: I do think that I see this. 

12:30

I've seen it in myself and I've seen it a lot of other people. 

Lis:

I've seen it in myself too. 

Marlee:

Yeah. Just this absolute lack of self-awareness, really not understanding that what you're doing is contributing to the problem. And you know, again, that for me is the romancipation ideology. It's before you start blaming others, and listen, I love blaming others.

12:53

Lis:

Oh, I can point fingers all day long.

Marlee:

Exactly. Love blaming others for any of my problems or any of my screw ups. But what you’ve got to do is check yourself, right? You’ve got to say, wait a second…sometimes the problem is me. Really, like you said, do that deep dive, really figure out what am I doing or saying, or how am I perceiving the situation? 

13:17

And is that having the impact, the negative impact on the relationship? 

Lis:

Right. Yeah. 

Marlee:

And once you've kind of done that sort of checks and balances, like you said, you know, ask a friend, ask a trusted friend, say, hey listen, you know, I, I'm thinking this is the problem is it me? Be honest. Is it me? Am I being too harsh or are my standards too high? 
13:36

Or am I unrealistic in my expectations or am I being really dramatic? Like tell me and get one or two opinions. And if somebody else is like, well, you know, I can see that. Yeah, I can see maybe you misread that situation. Make sure that you get control of your own thoughts, your own emotions. Now once you realize it's not your fault, you go to town on the other person. 

13:58

You know what I mean? 

Lis:

Cut the cord. 

Marlee:

Well, well you cut the cord or you can go after them. You know what I mean? You can say, Hey listen, the relationship's not working out because of you! You suck. I mean you can do that certainly, but I’ve got to say, cover your own ass, right? 

14:14

I mean like cover your own ass. Make sure the problem isn't you. Does that make sense? 

Lis:

Exactly. So, I love that. That makes me laugh. Yeah. 

Marlee:

So that's what I'm going to say is sometimes the problem is you, but sometimes it's not. 

Lis:

But sometimes it's not. 

Marlee:

That's right. But when it is, you’ve got to own it.

14:30

Lis:

That's right. 

It's venting time with Marlee and Lis. 

Marlee:

It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. 

Lis:

Vent baby! 

Marlee:

Oh, today's a juicy one. The topic, When People Justify Their Cheating. 

Lis:

Oh my God. 

Marlee:

All right. Do you want to go first or you want me to? I’ll take it.

14:55

Lis:

No, I'm going to take this away. 

Marlee:

You go, girl. Let's hear it. 

Lis:

All right. It's an attempt to justify their own guilty conscience. Yes. I wasn't getting what I needed in the relationship. They play the blame game. My partner doesn't care about me anyway. I'll never do it again. I just can't be monogamous. 

15:15

Marlee:

Ugh. Oh. 

Lis:

Probably should have said that before you got in a relationship. The relationship has just been over for such a long time. We're just not in love anymore. They're a freaking coward. 

Marlee:

Yes. 

Lis:

Oh, I'm not a bad person, and I deserve to be happy too. 

Marlee:

Oh, puke.

Lis:

All right, Marlee, what do you got? 

Marlee:

All right. Okay, so mine are going in a little bit of a different direction, but, uh, I loved yours. 

15:40

Here we go. All right. This is beyond disrespectful to the person they cheated on. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

It's a sign of a very immature person. It destroys trust in the relationship. 

Lis:

Oh yeah. 

Marlee:

It's a sign of manipulation. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

It's an attempt to avoid responsibility for creating the issue. It's a very common practice.

16:03

Lis:

No kidding. 

Marlee:

It's an attempt to avoid the guilty feeling associated with cheating. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

It makes a joke out of the commitment that the two people made to each other. 

Lis:

Isn't that true? Ugh. 

Marlee: 

It is an incredibly selfish and self-serving behavior. 

Lis: Ding-ding. 

Marlee:

It's an attempt to push the blame onto the partner that was cheated on. 

16:23

 I know you already said something about that.

Lis:

No, but listen. Yeah, it's true. 

Marlee:

It's a person continuing to lie to themselves and others. It's a very destructive behavior. It's a huge red flag in a relationship. 

Lis:

Wave it. 

Marlee:

It signals that a person will repeat the behavior. And it's a very entitled behavior on the part of the cheater.

16:45

Lis:

Oh my. You're so right. And you know what? The point that you made when they're trying to justify it, signals that they're going to probably do it again. You're so right. 

Marlee:

Absolutely.

Lis:

There's no remorse. 

Marlee:

16:55

Absolutely. If they can justify or rationalize that behavior, yeah, they will absolutely do it again, because the next time they're in a situation where their feelings are hurt or they don't feel understood, or any of the things you were saying, they will just, again, they will justify it and go right back to their cheating ways. 

Lis:

Cheating bastards.

Marlee:

Bastards. Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. 

17:21

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17:50

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