S6 Episode 1: Sex, Sex and More Sex: Important Questions to Ask Yourself
Episode Summary
Sex is an important part of romantic relationships. It bonds couples and enhances the intimacy that two people share. While there are no hard and fast rules about when and with whom you should have sex, there are a number of questions you should be asking yourself before you engage in sexual conduct with another person(s).
If you can answer in the affirmative to these questions, then you are physically, mentally and emotionally prepared for whatever surprises may come your way. People can be unpredictable, thoughtless and reckless. While you can never control another person, you can make decisions that will garner respect and build trust, which in turn enhances your sexual experience and deepens the connection you feel with your partner.
A Romancipated individual practices self-preservation and understands that they are responsible for protecting their health, safety and emotional well-being. Sexual contact should always be consensual, legal, pleasurable and safe.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how unhealthy it is to need your partner to save you from life’s difficulties.
Show Notes
Before you involve sex in your relationship, there are some important questions to ask yourself first. Do you have the proper protection to avoid pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections? You should feel ready, willing, and able to protect yourself and your partner.
Moreover, if your protection methods fail, how will you approach the situation? For example, if there is a pregnancy, how will you move forward under those circumstances? What if you end up with a child that is ill, or, if you’re a woman, what if you become ill as a result of pregnancy? The chance of creating a child is possible when you have sex.
You also have to consider contracting an STI. What if you don’t have access to healthcare to address it? How will you disclose this information, if or when necessary, to your family, health professionals, or even your employer? How will you approach telling your next partner and disclosing your STI?
It’s not just about what your choices would be, but also the choices of your partner. What if you had sex and you didn’t hear from them again? What if they walk away and disparage you? These are questions you need to consider before a sexual encounter so you can be sure you’re making the right decision for you by engaging in sexual contact.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When someone expects a partner to save them from life’s difficulties. It’s no one’s job to save you, and dependency can lead to resentment. It’s an unrealistic and overwhelming expectation to place on your partner. It’s immature to push any obstacle you face onto your partner.
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Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it! This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating, and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
On today's episode, Sex. Sex and More Sex: Some Fail Safe Rules to Follow. Critical questions to ask yourself before having sex with someone.
Lis:
Oh Marlee:
Marlee:
I know that's a mouthful and I'm used to taking a lot of mouthfuls.
Oh, there's my sexual innuendo going. Okay, so here's the deal. I want our listeners to know, I actually used to work as a sex education instructor. I know big shock, right Lis?
Lis:
Which is a big shock.
Marlee:
So this is why I am so comfortable speaking on the topic of sex. And I think it is such a critically important topic that is always relevant.
And I think that listeners of just about any age, from teenage years going forward, these are great questions that they need to be thinking about. That everybody, male, female, gay, straight, trans, whatever. These are incredibly important questions. Any individual that decides to engage in any kind of sexual interaction needs to ask these questions of themselves.
Lis:
No, I think that this is going to be a really, really great episode. Marlee, I can't wait.
Marlee:
So buckle up. Lis, here we go. Okay, so the critical questions to ask yourself before having sex with someone. Question one, do you have proper protection to prevent either pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections?
So, Lis. You know what? If it's a heterosexual couple, there's always the chance of pregnancy. Always.
Lis:
Always. Unless of course, your ovaries have been removed, or you've had a vasectomy, but guess what, sometimes the little swimmers get by.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Or certainly, if you as a female have gone through full on menopause.
Unless you fit into one of those categories, you can avoid the concept of pregnancy. But sexually transmitted infections, it's your whole life.
Lis:
Stands the test of time.
Marlee:
Once you get that one of those puppies, it stays with you forever.
Lis:
It's the gift that keeps on giving.
Marlee:
Yes, it is. Well, unless, of course, you get the type where you need antibiotics.
Unfortunately, there are some strains of certain sexually transmitted infections that are now becoming resistant to…
Lis:
Yes. I have read that.
Marlee:
Yes. They're becoming resistant to the antibiotics that we have to treat them. So this is a really serious thing. It's really important to make sure that you're ready, willing, and able to protect yourself, right?
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Being romancipated is all about self-preservation.
Lis:
That’s right.
Marlee:
And as a bonus, you're protecting your partner, which shows you're a standup person.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Okay. But you need to be thinking about yourself.
Marlee and Lis:
Self-preservation!
Marlee:
So that's the first question. Second question, if the protection method you chose or methods fail, are you prepared to deal with the consequences of a pregnancy?
And then you need to think about who would raise the child? Would you do it alone or think you were going to do it with this other person? Would you have an abortion? With everything that's going on in our country nowadays, would it be even legal? Would you be able to afford it? Would you be able to handle the emotional aspect of it?
Would it violate your religious belief systems? How would you feel about giving a child up for adoption? What about the financial obligations that come with a child?
Lis:
Yeah. It’s lifelong.
Marlee:
Marlee:
Okay, remember, up until age 21 in certain states. What about your own health, right? The health of the mother.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
How might having a pregnancy impact your health?
Because I can tell you, there's a lot of people who end up with serious medical emergencies as a result of being pregnant.
Lis:
That’s right. So true.
Marlee:
The health of the fetus or the baby. Again, very serious questions to ask yourself. What if you end up with a child that is seriously ill? And all of the complications that come with that.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
The cost of raising a child. It's a lot. And each year, it gets higher. These are all questions you need to be asking yourself because any time you have intercourse, the chance of creating a child is possible.
Lis:
You got it.
Marlee:
Contracting a STI, sexually transmitted infection, the emotional and financial drain that it could have on you, the fact that you might not have access to healthcare to be able to properly address it.
Lis:
Yeah, wow.
Marlee:
The potential for death. Because unfortunately, there are still some infections that can lead to death.
Lis:
Sex, sex, and more sex, Marlee.
Marlee:
Yep. Having to tell your next partner that you have a sexually transmitted infection. How would you feel about that? Would you be willing to do that?
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Having to tell your family, your employer or a health care professional.
Lis:
You’ve got it.
Marlee:
If you have a serious illness and you need to miss work, they're eventually going to know why.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
If you're going to be honest with the doctors that you interact with, if you can't be honest, how can they help you?
Lis:
No, it's so true.
Marlee:
See, I mean, these are really important questions you need to be asking yourself. I know I'm a Debbie Downer, but I'm just telling you.
Lis:
I was just going to say, I know a lot of people probably came into this episode thinking, sex, sex, and more.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
She's going to talk about taking it up the rear. No.
Marlee:
I'm sorry. The proper term is up the ass. Anyway. All right. Question three. Do you know the person well enough to know whether or not they'd support your choice?
Regarding a potential pregnancy, both emotionally and financially.
Lis:
Great. I mean, listen, these are such good questions.
Marlee:
Guess what? These have legal consequences sometimes, depending on the state you're in.
Lis:
They really do.
Marlee:
How would you feel about, uh, if the person didn't call or text you or snap you the next day, be honest with yourself.
How would you feel if you didn't hear from the person again, and you thought you were going to, what kind of emotional toll would that take on you?
Lis:
That’s right.
Marlee:
Question five. How would you feel if you found out that somebody recorded your encounter on audio, on video, and then broadcast it to their friends, family, work colleagues, or put it on the internet, on a porn site? Or send it to your family, friends, or work colleagues?
Lis:
And, I mean, this has happened so much. And by the way, not everybody is Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton. So those typical things don't immediate to like instant success. And like...
Marlee:
I want you to think about the number of young people that have committed suicide.
Lis:
Yes. Such a serious, serious topic. And being filmed, by the way, unknowingly, is illegal.
Marlee:
That's correct.
Lis:
And it is, uh, I just, you know, it's so, uh.
Marlee:
This is a question. This is a question you have to ask yourself because it's a very real threat.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It's a very, very real threat. And that's not just unlike for you to get pregnant, you need to actually have intercourse.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Obviously with sexually transmitted diseases, you can do a lot of other things other than intercourse and still end up catching one.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
But guess what? With the filming, same thing. You could just be in a state of undress.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
It doesn't have to be any sexual contact. It has such an impact on your mental and emotional health.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
It is, and potentially your physical health. It is so important to be thinking about, can you handle the consequences of this? Question six, are you prepared for the person thinking that you're interested in a serious relationship? Regardless of what you or they said prior to the encounter.
Lis:
How many times have you heard that?
Marlee:
Yep. How many people are like, Oh, no, I just, I don't want anything, I'm not looking for a serious relationship.
Lis:
Yep, I’m just looking for something casual.
Marlee:
And then they become a psycho bunny killer.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
No, I'm being serious. Like, are you prepared?
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Are you prepared? Cause, uh, there's a lot of people that say something. They do the old bait and switch.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Question seven. How'd you feel if you found out that they told their family, friends, work colleagues, something disparaging about your anatomy or about your performance. Think about that. Think about if they said you had a little dickie. Or a big wide snatch.
How would you feel? No, I'm being serious. I'm being serious.
Lis:
I know you are.
Marlee:
Think about what they've said about their past sexual encounters or relationships. Were they disparaging?
Lis:
There you go.
Marlee:
If they were, what makes you think they wouldn't be disparaging about you?
Lis:
That's right. Maybe they're covering up for an insecurity.
Marlee:
Maybe.
Lis:
They do have a little dickie.
Marlee:
Maybe. So, these are things you need to take into consideration. Question eight. How would you feel if you were dumped, ghosted, or ignored?
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
After you had any kind of sexual encounter? Lot of people don't like that.
Lis:
Nope.
Marlee:
Really hurts their self-esteem. Question nine. How would you feel if you found out that you were the other person?
Lis:
Oh, yeah.
Marlee:
Okay, you were the side piece.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
How would that make you feel?
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Like shit.
Lis:
That would make you feel like crap.
Marlee:
If you didn't consent to it.
Lis:
That's right. Or how about if you were the side piece and then you found out there was three other side pieces.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
So you weren't even a special side piece.
Marlee:
That's right. So, I mean, I just want people to really think about that because these have a lot of emotional and physical implications.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
All right. Question ten. Do you know enough about the person's sexual history to trust that they've been responsible with past partners?
Lis:
I mean, great questions. These are great questions.
Marlee:
Okay. Because there's a lot of unintended consequences if you don't know about the person you're dealing with.
Lis:
Well, and you trust them enough to believe what they're saying is true.
Marlee:
That's right. Question eleven. Is this a person you'd be embarrassed of? If other people found out you'd had sex with them or fooled around with them in some way. The old, uh, beer goggles. Hello. I mean, are you kidding me?
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
There’s a lot of people who, you know, wake up the next day and they're like, Damn, I did what? Just, just saying.
Lis:
Sounded so good last night.
Marlee:
Yeah. Question twelve. If the person is a friend or a coworker, are you prepared for the repercussions that this might have amongst your friends or work colleagues?
Lis:
You have to think about that.
Marlee:
If they find out that there was some kind of sexual encounter. Because how will that…
Lis:
It can change the dynamic.
Marlee:
That's right. How will that impact that relationship?
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Or the amount of respect that you get.
Lis:
That’s right.
Marlee:
Or the environment that you're working in.
Lis:
That's right. And that's like in every day. You see that person every day.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
Think about it. Consequences.
Marlee:
Again, there can be some legal issues in the workplace. Okay. Question thirteen, am I doing this for myself or to please my partner?
Lis:
Oh.
Marlee:
Sex should always be, any kind of sexual contact, should always be something you do for yourself. Never for another person. Ask yourself that. Why are you doing it? Is it to please another person? Is to try and keep another person? Is to try and entice another person? That's not what sex should be used for.
Lis:
That's not it at all.
Marlee:
And there's always going to be some negative consequences.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Question fourteen. Is this something I'll regret afterwards?
Lis:
Ooh, and will that regret cause you to be ashamed and embarrassed and potentially, I don't know, like…
Marlee:
Will it damage relationships?
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Will it lead to job loss? Will it result in criminal charges?
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
These are all realistic consequences.
Lis:
No, listen they really are.
Marlee:
Question fifteen. Is this encounter consensual? Or am I feeling pressure in any way to do something I don't want to do?
Lis:
Wow.
Marlee:
This is big.
Lis:
That's a big one.
Marlee:
And by the way, this isn't just for young people. This is people of all ages.
Lis:
That's right. Well, I mean, think about how many people are meeting on apps.
Marlee:
That's right. The moment you do something sexual that you truly didn't consent to, that you truly didn't want to do. It leaves a scar.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
The violation, the feeling of being violated cannot be erased.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
Question sixteen. Am I comfortable communicating my needs, wants, and boundaries to this person when it comes to sexual desire?
Lis:
You have to be.
Marlee:
If you're not comfortable letting somebody know what your boundaries are, how far you're willing to go, what kind of sexual games you're willing to partake in, or what you want from this encounter. Is it an emotional need? Is it a physical need? Are you looking for a relationship?
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
I mean, you need to be able to communicate that, and if you're not comfortable communicating it, you probably shouldn't be having sexual contact with this person.
Lis:
Well, listen, you don't know what kind of kink they're into, right? So how far are you willing to go?
Marlee:
Very true. Question seventeen. Will this person respect my boundaries and try to meet my wants and sexual needs?
Lis:
And listen, that is such, I mean, these are all such great questions, but sex is so emotional, and so mental, and so physical for so many people, and if you don't have somebody that is willing to try to meet you in a place, and respect your boundaries and understand what you're in it for, you're not ready to be having sex with that person.
Marlee:
That’s right.
Lis:
I mean, I realized that like the answer to all of these questions is if it's a no, you're not ready.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
But this one is a big one because…
Marlee:
It is!
Lis:
This is like, yeah. And again, that's for all ages.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
Right? This is for all relationships. All stages as well.
Marlee:
All relationships. That's right. You got it. Question eighteen. Do I feel safe physically and emotionally with this person?
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
I really want you to think about that. Do I feel safe? Do I feel secure physically and emotionally with this person?
Lis:
And again, those feelings can change. You could feel safe and then you could not feel safe.
Marlee:
Question nineteen. Does this person respect my sexual identity?
Lis:
That’s a good one.
Marlee:
That's a big one. Do they respect your sexual identity? Or do they see it as a joke? Or something that they don't have to respect? The very core of who you are.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Would you want to fool around with a person like that? Question twenty. Am I being honest with this person about my sexual identity and preferences?
Lis:
Again, it's a huge one because if you don't trust somebody enough to be able to have those conversations. Red flag.
Marlee:
But you also have to be honest with this other person.
Lis:
You do.
Marlee:
And even if you don't like what they're going to say, even if what they say is potentially very hurtful, you have to accept that. And you sidestepped a landmine.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Question twenty-one. Am I attracted to this person? Or am I sleeping with them or engaging in sexual contact for another reason? Such as guilt, revenge, loneliness, fear, economics, or to just feel something?
Lis:
Well, I mean, listen, I don't know. For me, that one, and listen, yes, they're all very important.
Marlee:
What's your motivation?
Lis:
What's your motivation? And if your motivation is any of those things, it doesn't mean that it's wrong. It just means you should be considering why those are your feelings towards and why you're wanting to have sex with this person.
Marlee:
That's right. Excellent point, Lis. Question twenty-two. Will a sexual encounter be viewed as a transaction or as though something is owed to the other person?
Lis:
Oh yeah, are you getting any financial gain out of this? I mean, that's, yeah.
Marlee:
More than even just finances.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
If somehow by you having a sexual encounter, now all of a sudden, this person has some sort of possessive right to you?
Lis:
Ooh yeah.
Marlee:
Question twenty-three. Am I having sex with this person completely sober? In other words, not under the influence of any type of substance, alcohol or drugs. Because guess what? If you're not willing to have sex with this person, sober. Really think about that. The only way you can have sex with this individual is if you're high, stoned.
Lis:
Or drunk.
Marlee:
Fucked up?
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Drunk? Do you really think you should be having sex with this person? And do you really think you're going to be actually practicing safe sex? And do you think it's actually going to be somewhat enjoyable?
Lis:
Yeah. I think that that's like, that's a big one because...
Marlee:
Well, somebody might argue with ecstasy, I don't know.
Lis:
I think the safety piece of it is a really big key component to that because I do think that under the influence, you are a lot sloppier with, you know…
Marlee:
Yeah, right.
Lis:
It's just kind of like, Oh, whatever in the moment. But I think a lot of people, and I'm seeing this for even like older women or older men that maybe they're uncomfortable with their body and they feel like they need to have a glass or two of wine in order to have sex. And I've heard this from a lot of people.
Marlee:
Yeah. And you know, you're going to my next question there.
Lis:
Okay. Um, I really do have to think about this.
Marlee:
Question twenty-four. Am I comfortable being completely nude in front of this person?
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Why or why not?
Lis:
There you go.
Marlee:
If you're not comfortable. Yeah. If you need to have the lights off, the covers need to be drawn. You need to think about that.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Your own issues with your body.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
With your sexuality with this other person. And then question twenty-five. And this is a biggie for me. Is the sexual act I plan to do with this person criminal? Meaning, is somebody underage? Is there incest? Is it unwanted? Is there lack of consent? Or, are they incapable of consent? And again, that goes back to what we're talking about, having sex when you're sober.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
You eliminate some of those criminal issues.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Right there.
Lis:
That's a doozy. That's a doozy.
Marlee:
It's a doozy, but guess what? Unfortunately, it's very common.
Lis:
More common than it should be.
Marlee:
Yeah. Sex should be pleasurable. It should be consensual. It should be wanted by both people. And I can tell you right now…
Lis:
And you can stop right there.
Marlee:
I can tell you right now that if your sexual encounter is considered criminal. That's a problem. That's a giant red flag.
Lis:
Giant red flag waving in the breeze.
Marlee:
Yeah, so I'm just going to end this by saying that sex is a wonderful thing. It's healthy. It's natural. It's part of your human instinct. But so is self-preservation.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And just asking yourself these questions will really give you a much clearer sense of whether or not you actually want to engage in any kind of sexual act with another person. And the moment you feel good about something, the moment you can say, I'm good. It's clear. This is not my cousin. We're all good. Have a fun time. Have a blast. Be safe. Enjoy. No judgment. Whatever gets your rocks off. Go for it. But if you can't answer these questions in the affirmative. If you can't say, yeah, no, I'd be fine if I got recorded. I'd be fine if I got an infection.
Lis:
If they didn't call the next day.
Marlee:
I’d be fine if like, you know, they didn't call the next day. If you truly can answer that way and you're being honest, you're not lying to yourself, you're being honest, go for it. But if not, really stop and think. Because I guarantee you will come across a person that you can answer all of these questions with a, Yes, I feel comfortable. Yes, I'm sober. Yes, I want to scream from the rooftops that I'm having sex with this person. I'm so happy. I'm so proud.
Lis:
Maybe you're having sex on the rooftop.
Marlee:
Yeah, maybe you are. But so please really think about these questions.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When Someone Expects a Partner to Save Them from Life's Difficulties.
Lis:
Oh my gosh.
Marlee:
Well, Lis, I'm looking at your face, I think you better go first.
Lis:
Well, I mean, first and foremost, the only place where being dependent on someone else belongs in a relationship is with a parent and a child.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
It's no one's job to save you other than your own. And being dependent on someone leads to an unbalanced relationship, which inevitably leads to resentment.
Marlee:
Yep.
Lis:
Did you know there's something called savior syndrome? It's actually a psychological disorder. And to me, that's also referred to as codependency. I think when one person feels like they need to put their partner's needs above their own and take care of them. And also, if you're in a codependent relationship, the behaviors might seem caring, compassionate, but actually they're compulsive, controlling, and harmful to everyone in that relationship.
Marlee:
Nice. All right. So I have some very similar ones.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
I like those. Okay. So I'm saying it's ridiculous for a person to expect their partner to be the white knight or superhero in their life.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
No person should be willing or able to take on that role. It's an unfair and unrealistic expectation to place on a partner.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
It creates unnecessary stress for the partner that's expected to save the person from life's hardships.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
The weight you carry when you're expected to take on the brunt of economic, familial, or physical obstacles can be overwhelming.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
It reeks of immaturity to me. Instead of dealing with your own issues, you expect your partner to take everything on and push back any obstacle you face. It is the equivalent of snowplow parenting for your partner.
Lis:
Yup, there you go.
Marlee:
And I know you mentioned it. It signals the partnership is unequal. And unhealthy.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
You also make yourself very dependent if you place yourself in this position with your partner. Something you mentioned. If a partner wants to be a white knight, that should also be a red flag.
People with the savior complex, looks like you and I are reading a lot of the same books, are often lacking in something so they try to help others to find a sense of self-worth or value.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It's common for the person who does the saving to become burnt out and find someone who nurtures them in return.
Lis:
Oh, yeah.
Marlee:
I just think that life is difficult, right? You and I know this and you should want a partner to support you and to be there as an individual you can bounce things off of and that, you know, will kind of give you a lifeline if you need it. But when you want that person to like block and tackle and save you from every single difficulty that's going to come your way.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
That's ludicrous.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
I mean, and it's insulting. And you're a drain. You're an albatross around your partner's neck and they should like leave you at sea.
Lis:
Albatross. I love it.
Marlee:
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast or to learn more about us, visit www.Romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast, please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify.
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