S6 Episode 11: Science Says High Self-Esteem is the Greatest Predictor of a Stable Romantic Relationship
Episode Summary
High self-esteem is a key ingredient to a happy life. When you love yourself, you know your worth and are able to set healthy boundaries. People with a strong sense of self-worth do not allow others to mistreat them. They are comfortable communicating their wants and needs and are realistic about their expectations for a romantic relationship.
Moreover, self-esteem plays a large part in self-confidence. Individuals who believe in themselves tend to be naturally confident which is a very attractive trait. As a result, they have more options for romantic partners and are seen as more desirable mates.
In many ways, robust self-esteem is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe you deserve to be treated with respect, you will behave in a manner that demands respect. As a result, you will receive respect from other people, which only reinforces the idea that you deserved it in the first place. When you love yourself, it is easier for others to love you.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss the insulting situation when one partner tells the other to “calm down” when they are angry or upset.
Show Notes
High self-esteem isn’t emphasized as much as it should be in a healthy relationship. When you have a good sense of self-worth and you recognize your value, you’re confident in what you offer your partner. It also makes you clear about your expectations and what you deserve. People with high self-esteem are typically accurate and truthful about who they are.
A person who likes themselves sets healthy boundaries. They are also often immediately liked and respected by others. They don’t require a lot of reassurance or handholding. A person with high self-esteem never settles and can typically find more opportunities for romantic partnerships.
On the other hand, if you have low self-esteem, you may let people treat you poorly. Your expectations and standards may be low because that’s how you view yourself. A Romancipated person cares about self-preservation and doesn’t settle for anything less than they deserve. You are in charge of your life, so you owe it to yourself to value your worth.
Most people who have strong self-esteem are very well rounded. They have lots of elements and layers to who they are. They’re comfortable being alone, and they can exist in conflict without shutting down. They’re engaging and communicative. These qualities tend to make them ideal partners in romantic relationships.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When your partner tells you to calm down when you are angry or upset. Never has telling someone to “chill out” or “calm down” actually worked. It’s just another way of telling someone to shut up. It’s a phrase often used against women to reduce them to irrational hysterics. It’s infuriating, disrespectful, and counterproductive.
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Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it! This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating, and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life, take charge, and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
On this episode, Science Says, High Self-Esteem is the Greatest Predictor of a Stable Romantic Relationship.
Lis:
Yeah, okay.
Marlee:
It's true.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Science says science.
Lis:
Science says...
Marlee:
No, really, this is incredibly true. I do think that high self-esteem is really not given enough emphasis in having a healthy, productive, and reciprocal romantic relationship.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
I think that when you have a really good sense of self-worth and you love yourself, you recognize your value, Lis. And if you value yourself, you not only are confident in who you are and what you can offer to a partner, but also you are very clear about what you deserve.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
You know what you deserve and your expectations are usually very realistic. I have found that people with a very high self-esteem are just very honest about who they are, or should I say truthful? They're both.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
People with high self-esteem, I think you can factually see that they get into less destructive situations.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
I think that there's empirical evidence that would say that's true, and I think there's also the honest aspect in that people that are emotionally more in tune with themselves and recognize what they actually offer, I think they end up as better partners.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
They're not threatened.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
They're not insecure.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
They are willing to share. I think that a person who likes themselves, respects themselves. I think a person who likes themselves, sets healthy boundaries.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Right? I think a person who likes themselves is immediately liked and respected by others.
Lis:
Totally.
Marlee:
I think people sense it. I think a person with high self-esteem makes a great partner because they don't always need to be the center of attention.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Nor do they require a lot of ego stroking or hand holding.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
You don’t need to constantly reassure them. I think people with high self-esteem tend to be more independent, and you and I have discussed in prior podcasts the incredible importance of independence. And being able to pursue your own interests and have your own thoughts and ideas that are separate from your partner.
Lis:
That’s right. Yep.
Marlee:
I personally am an individual with high self-esteem. I know, I know, shocking. No, I am. And I've always felt that my self-love has given me a lot of opportunity, romantically speaking. And I also think it's given me a lot of options for romantic partners. So I've never had to feel that I was settling.
Lis:
Right. No, and I think some of the things that you've kind of just mentioned really, it kind of makes me think, because a lot of people co-use the words like self-esteem and self-confidence as being the same thing, and they're not.
Marlee:
Oh no, they're not.
Lis:
And I think people look at somebody with what they perceive as having a lot of self-confidence to mean that their self-esteem must be incredibly high. And it's completely...
Marlee:
Well, I think they're usually correlated.
Lis:
They correlate.
Marlee:
I would say that if you have a high sense of self love...
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
You're probably more confident, but I would agree with you. You can have a very strong sense of self-love.
Lis:
But I think people can fake certain things. That's right. I do think that there are certain things that are easier to fake than others. And I do think that, yeah, you know, you made some really good points. And I do think that if you have high self-esteem, you're not so worried about the little things, right? I mean, people with low self-esteem stick with a partner and hope that they don't leave, right?
Marlee:
Right.
Lis:
I mean, there's like fear. It's like, it's all of the bad things that we've talked about in the past that when you have a low level of self-esteem, that you let people take advantage.
Marlee:
That’s right.
Lis:
You don't have a healthy relationship. You allow people to treat you poorly and…
Marlee:
Well, your standards are so low.
Lis:
Your standards are so low.
Marlee:
Your expectations are so low.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Your requirements are so low.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And listen, that is very much my own personal experience is I have very high requirements. I think a lot of our listeners know that by now. And it's because I do know what I bring to the table.
Lis:
You value yourself.
Marlee:
I value myself. I value what I bring.
Lis:
Yes. That's right.
Marlee:
And I will not allow a person to be abusive to me. I will not allow a person to be toxic to me. I will not allow a person to use me or mistreat me. Or disrespect me.
Lis:
Well, and you communicate well with others. You value people's opinions. You know, you put yourself out there in a way that shows not only do you have high self-esteem, but that you value other people that are coming into your life.
Marlee:
I try to.
Lis:
And I mean, I feel that way when I'm with you, and obviously I know we're not in a romantic relationship.
Marlee:
Oh. But Lis if we were, I would rock it. If I felt that way about you. Boy, we'd knock it out of the park.
Lis:
We would rock it!
Marlee:
No, listen, I do think that a romancipated person, by definition, has to have a high self-sense of worth.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
You know, high self-esteem, really respect themselves, because people with high self-esteem really care about self-preservation.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
And to be romancipated, you care about self-preservation, right? You recognize your value.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And you recognize that you are the only person who's going to care for you?
Lis:
Yup. That's right.
Marlee:
You are the one person in charge of your life.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
And you owe it to yourself. We talked about instinct, being a best friend. People with a strong sense of self-worth, with high self-esteem, trust their instincts. They do. Because their instincts don't fail them.
Lis:
That's right. And even if they do, they take that information…
Marlee:
That's right. They process it.
Lis:
And process it correctly.
Marlee:
Yep. And they use it. They take that data, and then they analyze the shit out of it, and then they use it the next time in the right way.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
No. You're absolutely right. Now it's interesting that you said the whole concept about self-confidence and self-esteem being very different things. I think that self confidence in many ways is born out of self-esteem.
Lis:
And that's what I was going to say. It almost comes, well, yes, but it comes from outside sources, right?
Like you get your, you earn self-confidence. I feel like self-esteem for me is something that's super ingrained and, and it's about your self-worth. And I feel like self-confidence is given to you by like external measures.
Marlee:
See, I would disagree with you. I think that so many people have such low self-esteem because of external individuals, because of external factors. I think that people aren't born hating themselves or not trusting themselves.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
I think they're taught to hate themselves.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
They're taught to not value themselves.
Lis:
I meant that it was more internal because your self-esteem is something you own, but I see what you're saying. Like, I think we're coming at it…
Marlee:
Yes. Different perspective, same conclusion.
Lis:
Different perspective, same conclusion. Yes. We're saying the same things but in a different way.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
Because your self-esteem is something that's ingrained in you. So, I think, I think it's something that, yes, I think it's something that you're born with. But I do think that the outside forces, you're right, trigger how you feel and how you express yourself and what you're willing to put out there.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
No, I think your right.
Marlee:
I will tell you that. By far, I think the biggest blow I've ever had to my self-esteem or my self-confidence came from a failed romantic relationship.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
That's probably, if I think of when I've felt the lowest in my life, it was probably as a result of a breakup.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
Does that make sense?
Lis:
It does.
Marlee:
So, I do think that self-esteem and self-confidence can certainly be impacted by your romantic relationships.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
And whether they succeed or they end up turning out the way you had envisioned.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
But in general, I think that self-esteem is very sexy. I think much like self-confidence and independence, I think men and women are very drawn to individuals that value themselves.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
Most people who have strong self-esteem are very well rounded.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
They tend to not be these one note type of personalities.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
They tend to have lots of different elements to who they are. Lots of layers. And I think that's what gives them so many options in partners. Does that make sense?
Lis:
It does.
Marlee:
They can satisfy a lot of different people's desires. And fulfill a lot of people's wants and needs, so to speak.
Lis:
And I think also, since you made that point, I feel like a lot of people can satisfy their wants and needs because they're not so reliant on their happiness being brought in by somebody else.
Marlee:
Yes, most people with high self-esteem are not reliant on another person for their emotional well-being.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
They're comfortable being alone. They are comfortable existing even when there's tension or conflict.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
I'm not telling you they like it per se, but they're comfortable.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
It doesn't shut them down.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Their voice isn't lost.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And I think that's what tends to make them good partners. I also think they're more engaging. I think people with high sense of self-esteem and sense of self-worth are better at communicating. Because I think they really believe the words they're communicating.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
I think they're better at apologizing. Because they are willing to take personal responsibility because they know nobody's perfect. You can fuck up. You can mess up, and you’ve got to own it. It doesn't make you less of a person.
Lis:
Yeah, okay.
Marlee:
And I think for a lot of people who don't like themselves, every time they mess up and somebody calls them out on it, it chips away or it reinforces that they're a bad person or they're a faulty person or there's something wrong with them. And that's why they're so defensive and they don't want to like apologize or acknowledge any kind of responsibility.
Lis:
Man, you can see it. I mean you can see it when somebody feels like they've messed up and it like, it's an internal thing for them, right?
Marlee:
Yup.
Lis:
Just by looking at their face when they've, when somebody's made a mistake that has lower self-esteem or doesn't value what they're bringing, you see it on their face.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
It's almost like, there I go again, I did it again.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
It's like this internal voice that like…
Marlee:
They beat themselves up.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
They beat themselves up. And some people, they beat themselves up and they don't lash out externally.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
And other people they beat themselves up and because they're beating themselves up, they lash out externally.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
And so look we're not psychologists.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
We're not going to sit here and dissect like everybody's personality. I do think though that when you love yourself, when you value yourself, when you focus on self-preservation, when you know you can really respect your own decisions and stand by them, you become this incredibly valuable partner. You become a very valuable support system. You become a very valuable friend. And I think as people are drawn to you, that reinforces your self-confidence. Hence the reason I said that self confidence in many ways is born out of self-esteem.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
These outside forces start reinforcing the fact that you're a valuable individual. That your self-assessment was correct.
It's almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. And that's where I guess I'd like to end this episode is you might not have been born with high self-esteem. There might have been people in your life who continuously tried to tear you down and put you down and try and make you feel like you're less than.
But the fact is, life in many ways is what you make of it. And if you believe that you deserve more, if you believe that you're worthy of love, if you believe that you are deserving of respect and empathy and acceptance, and you in turn are willing to give those to another partner, if you do that, you absolutely will fulfill that self-fulfilling prophecy. You will start to value yourself more and you will see other people value you more. And that is what being romancipated is.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When Your Partner Tells You to Calm Down When You are Angry or Upset.
Lis:
Yeah, yeah.
Marlee:
Do you want to go with this one first, Lis?
Lis:
Yes, please. So to me, never in the entire history of the world has anyone been told to chill out or calm down, that advice has actually caused them to chill out or calm down.
Marlee:
Oh, yes.
Lis:
Being told to calm down is bullshit.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
When was the last time you heard someone tell a man to calm down?
Marlee:
Thank you.
Lis:
Two dudes could be starting a brawl in a club. And even the bouncer will tell them to take it outside, instead of encouraging a level of calm. It's sexist. Especially when the women are told to calm down for both small and big things.
Marlee:
Yes!
Lis:
Being told to calm down is another way to tell someone to shut up.
Marlee:
Woo!
Lis:
It's really condescending and this gaslighting term used in one form or another around the world is a quick phrase meant to brush off a woman's ideas and opinions and to reduce them to irrational hysterics. It will almost guarantee the opposite of calming down. Again, no one has ever actually calmed down for all of those reasons. It's awful to be told that your feelings are wrong or make you feel judged and not heard at all. No one likes to be told what to do.
Marlee:
Okay, I couldn't speak during your last ones because my face has such a giant smile. Like…
Lis:
This makes me so mad!
Marlee:
Oh my god, it's like, I just, I loved it. I have like, this Cheshire Cat smile, cause I was like, yes, yes, yes, like, that's all I could think.
Okay, alright, whew, that was almost like an orgasm. Okay, now I’ve got to do mine, okay, alright. It is infuriating when your partner tells you to calm down. It always has the exact opposite effect as was intended. It places you and your partner in an unhealthy power dynamic. It's disrespectful, demeaning, and counterproductive. If you are a person that naturally gets upset and emotional, you will need to regulate your own emotions. Your partner should not be the person telling you how to react.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It is especially telling if your partner tells you to calm down after they're the ones that caused your emotional state in the first place.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Woo! It is natural and normal to have an emotional reaction if you become upset or angry, every person needs time to process their emotions. When your partner does not give you time and space to settle your thoughts or stops you from venting or expressing yourself, this is an issue with your communication styles and needs to be addressed immediately.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Being told to calm down often shifts the focus from the original catalyst for the feelings. In other words, it can end up causing even more conflict.
Lis:
Sure does.
Marlee:
So don't do it. Telling a person to calm down demeans their emotions. It sounds like you're out of control when somebody tells you to calm down, which I find incredibly insulting.
I would never tell my partner to calm down unless their emotional reaction was creating additional danger. Like if there was a conflict with a stranger, and instead of escalating the situation, I wanted them to calm down to deescalate the situation. So I guess I wouldn't be a very good bouncer in a bar.
Uh, but ultimately, Lis, I have to tell you. This is such a sickening behavior. I agree with you. I have never heard a woman tell a man to calm down. While I have had many men tell me to calm down.
Lis:
Oh yeah.
Marlee:
You hear my tone?
Lis:
Oh yeah.
Marlee:
I have had many men tell me to calm down. When I was one hundred percent in the right, they were the ones that did the wrong. They deserved my wrath. And they had the gull to tell me to calm down. Okay, that was my vent. Woo.
Lis:
I love it!
Marlee:
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.Romantipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released.
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