Sacrifice is Not the Same as Compromise

00:00 

Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.

00:30

It's time to rethink your approach to your love life, take charge and get Romancipated. 

Marlee:

Today's topic, Sacrifice is Not the Same as Compromise. 

Lis:

Nope, it's not. 

Marlee:

Okay. So I think Lis, that a lot of people confuse the two concepts. 

Lis:

Oh, I think so.

Marlee:

All the time. They use them interchangeably and I want to make it very clear they are two very, very different concepts.

00:57

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

So first I just want to say you sacrifice for your children. Okay? 

Lis:

Okay. Fair. 

Marlee:

Never for your relationship. No relationship is ever worth you being a martyr.

Lis:

 No. Okay. No. 

Marlee:

When you are giving up and your partner doesn't give anything up, but you're the one who is always giving up something.  That is you sacrificing something.

Lis:

Right. Well, yeah.

01:25 

Sacrifice is always at the expense of someone else. 

Marlee:

That's right. 

Lis:

Right.

Marlee:

Compromise is when each of you decides to give up a little something. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

To get something.

Lis:

Reciprocal satisfaction. 

Marlee:

That's right. You reciprocate and you compromise. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

You agree to disagree or you agree one day to eat one kind of food and the next day to eat another kind of food.

01:48

It's not one person always giving in to the other. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

So first of all, compromise creates a healthy relationship. 

Lis:

Yes.  

Marlee:

Right? It reinforces the healthy boundaries. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

And respect and trust. And communication. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

Sacrifice absolutely leads to resentment. 

Lis:

Absolutely.

Marlee:

It creates such a power imbalance in the relationship.

02:14

Lis:

Right. It is disproportionate of giving constantly from one side, one person's always taking. 

Marlee:

Yeah, that's right. I think that compromise absolutely indicates mutual respect and relationship. 

Lis:

I do too. 

Marlee:

It signals both people understand that you can't always get what you want, right?

02:30

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

If you are okay with giving up things to make your partner happy, I think that really reinforces the bonds that you have with that person. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

Because they recognize it and they then in return, give up things that they might want to do, you know? 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

Because they know they can't in the moment and they have to put your needs ahead of theirs.

02:54

Lis:

Absolutely. 

Marlee:

For me, sacrifice is a last resort type of behavior. Do you know what I mean? So for example, if you need to sacrifice your happiness, your self-respect, your dignity in order to stay in a relationship. 

Lis:

Oh, please. 

Marlee:

Red flag. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

Never worth it. 

Lis:

No. 

Marlee:

Now they're always minor sacrifices. 

Lis:

That's what I was going to say.

03:15

There's a, there's a difference. 

Marlee:

There is. So, I always acknowledge they're minor sacrifices. 

Lis:

Sure. 

Marlee:

Okay. So for example, uh, pets, maybe you really love animals. You want to have a pet, but your partner has allergies. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

Right? And you have to sacrifice having that pet.

Lis:

Or maybe you can get a fish. 

Marlee:

You can get a fish.

03:34

Well, there you go. Alright. You know, or I guess a snake, right? 

Lis:

There's compromise there too. 

Marlee:

Yeah. 

Lis:

Might not be the pet you want. 

Marlee:

Fine. Okay. You're right. Okay. Be beautiful point. You know, there might be something you have to sacrifice because of cost. 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

Just some things are too expensive and you guys just have to agree that you have to go without, and again, that's very different because both people have to make that sacrifice…

Lis:

Have to make that type of sacrifice.

04:01

Marlee:

It can't just be one person that is taking on that sacrifice. 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

That is unfair. I also think that, you know, there's times where you sacrifice time, or energy, you know what I mean? Like let's say for example, you need to stay up all night to help a family member, or your spouse, you know, or your partner. That is a willing sacrifice you are making again, to increase the bond and increase the strength of your relationship. 

Lis:

Yes, and I don't even, I mean, listen, like there's times too where yes, you're sacrificing sleep, but at the same time, like I don't look at that as necessarily a negative.

04:44

I feel like where sacrifice comes into a relationship to me, it means that you are constantly giving and giving and giving. 

Marlee:

Yes. 

Lis:

And getting nothing in return. So to me it's like a negative, right? Like it's, you're sacrificing something of yourself, your dignity, your sanity, you know, your wellbeing in order to disproportionately make somebody else happy.

05:07

Marlee:

Yes. I think there are times… 

Lis:

And so, yeah, I just, I feel like it's, it's more of a negative type of sacrifice for me rather than like, you know, something that you're willing to do. 

Marlee:

Yeah, I agree. 

Lis:

Because out of love or out of, you know, compassion for somebody else that needs you. 

Marlee:

So let me ask you, have you ever sacrificed in a relationship and ended up regretting it?

05:27 

Lis:

I mean, I'm sure I have. I feel like back in the day, like back when I was probably first dating. Yeah, I definitely, probably sacrificed. I wouldn't say that I like gave up like dignity or things like that, but I sacrificed my time. 

Marlee:

Okay. 

Lis:

I think in ways that had I known that, you know, I shouldn't be doing that, I don't know, I just, yeah, I'm definitely sure that I sacrificed and that's probably why the relationship didn’t work out all the time. Right?

06:01 

Marlee:

Okay. 

Lis:

Because I was feeling like I was constantly giving it, and I am a type of person that will take certain things on thinking that like because I am a people pleaser and I want to make sure their happy.

Marlee:

I know you’re a very giving person.

Lis:

Yes. And so yes, I could see that there was probably times where I would consistently like

06:21 

overdo something and not get something in return. 

Marlee:

Right. 

Lis:

Right, like I would, you know, go out of my way to like, do something that I know would make somebody else happy or my partner happy. And, you know, I wouldn't necessarily get even like the response or like gratitude that I was kind of hoping for.

06:42 

Marlee:

Right. 

Lis:

And that was actually a me problem, which is why it's hard to say that it's sacrifice because I wanted to do it, but at the same time I knew I wasn't getting what I needed in return. Does that make sense? 

Marlee:

Oh yeah, absolutely. So let me ask you, how do you feel about compromise? Because I do think there's a lot of people that struggle with compromising, especially in a romantic relationship.

Lis:

I'm all about compromise and again, I think the compromises become different the more intertwined you get and the bigger your relationship is. So like the compromise when you are dating might be I want to go somewhere and ski for vacation and you know, your partner really wants to go somewhere hot and sit on a beach.

07:26

So the compromise is, you know, like, okay, well we'll do one for Christmas break and we'll do another for like spring break so that you compromise and you both kind of get a little bit of something of what you want. But I think that the older you get and the more responsibilities that you have together, I think being able to communicate and compromise on, you know, whether or not you spend a certain amount of money on, you know, getting a new car versus getting maybe a used car that you can afford in order to do, you know, a trip with your kids.

08:04

Marlee:

Sure. 

Lis:

You know, like the compromises just become different and I think you have to be able to communicate because otherwise…

Marlee:

No, I agree. 

Lis:

People will take and do the things that they want to do. I think that that's nature. 

Marlee:

Yeah. 

Lis:

I feel the human nature is that like, I want this so I'm going to do it. And they don't necessarily think of the cause and effect that it might have on somebody else.

08:25 

Marlee:

Okay. So here's a very interesting point I want to make. 

Lis:

Okay. 

Marlee:

I haven't experienced it, but I've spoken to a lot of people who really end up regretting the compromises that they made in their relationships. 

Lis:

Okay. 

Marlee:

And, and I find that really interesting because I will often say to them, Did you see it as a sacrifice?

08:51

Because I completely understand feeling resentment over sacrifice. 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

But I'm like, a compromise means that both people had to give something up. 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

So I'm kind of wondering why do you feel so resentful? And it's been, it's always a very interesting conversation because you start to unwrap this idea that a lot of people, which I think you and I both know, tend to be very selfish.

09:22

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

And very self-involved. 

Lis:

Absolutely. 

Marlee:

And it doesn't matter that the other person also had to give something up.

Lis:

That's a great point. 

Marlee:

All they care about is the fact that they…

Lis:

Had to give it up.

Marlee:

Had to give something up…

Lis:

And that's why they're resentful. 

Marlee:

That's right. And I think that is such an interesting thing and it's something I kind of want to talk about.

09:46

Lis:

Well, do you feel like they then felt like they sacrificed, like you said, that it wasn't necessarily let's compromise, it was almost like a forced compromise? Like not something that they really wanted to give, but it was almost like they were almost guilted into it. Like, you have to give this up.  

Marlee:

No, I mean like, okay.

10:02

I'll give you an example. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

So I know a lot of women who had careers prior to having children. And you know, I think in the back of their minds, they kind of took the attitude of, once I have a child, I probably will step back from my career. 

Lis:

Okay. 

Marlee:

Even if they had the same level of education as their partners and the same level of success professionally.

10:24 

Lis:

Sure. 

Marlee:

And I have realized that for a lot of women that I've spoken to, even though they consciously agreed with their partner, that just based on cost and time and how they wanted to raise their children. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

One person was going to have to step back from their profession, you know? 

Lis:

Okay. 

Marlee:

And stay at home.

10:47

And so there was this thought through compromise.

Lis:

Right.

Marlee:

You know what I mean? 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

And somebody might have seen it as a sacrifice, as in, okay, I'm sacrificing my career for my children, so I'm getting one thing for the other, which, I can understand that mindset. Right?

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

But I also think there were other people that were like, no, I really want my children and I enjoyed my time doing my career, but my children are more important to me.

11:10

And so I'm willing to compromise that I will be the one that stays at home and takes care of them in, in exchange, my partner will be working and being the main economic support, at least while my children are younger, let's say. I have found that a lot of women didn't fully think through

11:28

the consequences of that compromise. Right? 

Lis:

I think so. I think that's such a good example. 

Marlee:

And their children get older and all of a sudden they have more time. They realize that having economic power by bringing in their own money is actually a wonderful thing and gives them more autonomy in the relationship.

11:50

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

And more independence. And though, because they made that compromise, even though it was with the best of intentions. 

Lis:

Sure.

Marlee:

They are now out of the game and the type of jobs that they can get and the type of money that they can earn is severely compromised. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

Because they made that decision to step away.

12:14

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

And so it's interesting because while I do not think sacrifice and compromise are the same thing, I think that compromise in people's minds can morph into a feeling of sacrifice. 

Lis:

Well, because there's a resentment behind that compromise that they had to carry a bigger burden.

12:35

So maybe it wasn't necessarily an equal. Although, listen, I think that's such a great example because I think so many relationships go through those types of compromise, and I think there's a lot of women who also had to keep working and weren't able to stay home with their children. 

Marlee:

Yes.

Lis:

And there's definitely…

12:53

Marlee:

And here's the interesting thing. I have been talking to those women. Maybe you've heard differently or seen differently, but, and this is anecdotal, but I can tell you that those women are actually thrilled. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

That they stayed in their jobs. 

Lis:

Yes.

Marlee:

They definitely admit they experienced guilt and they felt a certain way when the children were younger.

13:13

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

But as the children are older, they're like…

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

Dang, I made the right decision. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

And you know, I can just speak that I personally chose to continue sort of a hybrid situation. 

Lis:

Sure. 

Marlee:

Where I can help with my children as well as work, but I think if I didn't have my work, I would've gone nuts.

13:34

Lis:

Absolutely. 

Marlee:

Now that's just me. But it was something that my husband and I, before we ever had children, we talked about that. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

We talked about, you know what I might feel later on, right? If I fully walked away from my profession. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

And so I think it's one of those types of conversations that before you get serious with somebody, if you are serious with somebody, if you're married to somebody, these are incredibly important conversations

14:02

you have to have. You have to communicate in order to not create that resentment. 

Lis:

Right.

Marlee:

And, and to not have compromise, you know, morph into the feeling of sacrifice. Which then ends up in incredible resentment. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

You’ve got be able to like own the fact that you each made decisions, you wanted certain things, and the way you got them was you were going to have to sacrifice.

14:24

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

Right. And you were also going to have to compromise and hopefully your sacrifices were very minimal and mutually agreed upon. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

And your compromises might be more than your sacrifices, but at the time you have to understand that you agreed and you should constantly be checking in with each other.

14:45 

Lis:

Well, and I was exactly going to make that point. I think it's important to check in and have that open communication because it is also okay to change your mind. 

Marlee:

Absolutely. 

Lis:

And not feel like that was the right decision. But you have to be able to communicate it and you have to be able to…you know, have that dialogue with your partner and say, you know what, like given the example that you gave, I decided that, you know what, maybe staying home isn't the right decision for me.

15:13

Like maybe we need to get additional support. We can get somebody to help take care of the children. Maybe it's a family member, maybe it's a nanny situation or a babysitter, but you are able to change your perception in your mind. 

Marlee:

Absolutely

Lis:

So, that it doesn't become a sacrifice.

15:30 

Marlee:

That's right. 

Lis:

It doesn't become a resentment. I think that's where it starts to build when you feel like you have no other choice. 

Marlee:

Yes, I agree. And it's not just with children, right? This is in all different types of situations. 

Lis:

Absolutely. 

Marlee:

Where you are compromising with a partner. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

So I think the lesson for today is that, just because you compromise on something doesn't mean it has to be a forever situation.

15:52

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

You can always come back, readdress and decide if maybe you need to make a different decision. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

And I also think that, you know, you can certainly dwell on sacrifices or compromises you made in the past, but it's not going to benefit you. 

Lis:

No. 

Marlee:

Or your partner or your relationship. What you have to do is accept, right.

16:18

We always talk about in Romancipation acceptance.

Lis:

That’s right.

Marlee:

You have to accept those decisions. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

And then you have to move forward. And I also want to emphasize, really try to practice empathy with your partner and understand why they might be feeling what they're feeling. Because I think it's very natural

16:34

to feel when you're giving up something, especially if it's something that you really care about, even if at the time you didn't think you would… 

Lis:

Right.

Marlee:

If it ends up that you recognize that you do, you have to address it because it's the only way you stop that resentment from growing. 

It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.

16:52

Marlee:

It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When People are Blind to Their Partner's Bad Behavior. 

Lis:

Ooh. 

Marlee:

Yeah.

Lis:

Yeah.

Marlee:

So I have a very particular view on this one. 

Lis:

Oh my gosh. Well, please take it away. 

Marlee:

Oh, you sure? 

Lis:

Yeah.

17:12

Marlee:

Okay. 

Lis:

Take it away. 

Marlee:

So I'm going to start off by saying it indicates a lack of self-awareness and social maturity. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

I also think it often indicates a lack of respect in the relationship. 

Lis:

For sure. 

Marlee:

If a person is blind to their partner's bad behavior, it's either because they condone it. As in birds of a feather stick together, are in denial or are clueless because it's behavior that they are used to.

17:39 

Lis:

Ooh, okay. Those were good. 

Marlee:

Okay. So if they condone it, it indicates a lack of self-respect, self-love and boundaries if the bad behavior is directed towards them. If the bad behavior is directed towards others and they condone it, they lack personal responsibility, accountability, and empathy. 

Lis:

Yeah, they do. 

Marlee:

If the person is in denial, it's usually because they're afraid of the partner or of losing their partner and want to keep their heads buried in the sand.

18:11

Lis:

Ooh. 

Marlee:

They could also be in denial because they're either embarrassed or they feel powerless and they don't know how to stop it. 

Lis:

Yup.

Marlee:

And if they're clueless to the behavior, it would indicate that they grew up or have always been exposed to bad behavior and see it as normal and acceptable. 

Lis:

Got it.

18:34

Marlee:

These are the individuals that I feel most pity for because they become victims of their partner without even realizing the unhealthy dynamic. If someone is blind to their partner's bad behavior, they lose other people's respect and look either pathetic or like a sucker. 

Lis:

Yeah, they do. 

Marlee:

Those are mine. 

Lis:

Oh my gosh.

18:52 

Good ones. All right, so listen, ignorance is not bliss.

Marlee:

Correct. 

Lis:

Bad behaviors only magnify and multiply over time. 

Marlee:

Yes. 

Lis:

If you, you already see it, you know it's probably going to keep happening. Sometimes people view relationships as a sunk cost. You feel like your investment and time into your partner makes it hard to lose by leaving.

19:16

So, you just ignore the bad behaviors. 

Marlee:

Right.

Lis:

There's a clear imbalance of power in the relationship. 

Marlee:

Yeah. 

Lis:

You keep waiting and hoping for them to change and that's not going to happen. This person must feel insecure in order to stay in this type of relationship. 

Marlee:

Yup.

Lis:

But I will say you never need to apologize to a third party for your partner's bad behaviors.

19:38

They are responsible for themselves. 

Marlee:

Okay? So I agree and I disagree. 

Lis:

Ooh.

Marlee:

I think you do need to apologize for your partner's bad behavior because if you're aware of your partner's tendency to behave in a certain way and you expose other people to it that weren't aware of it…

Lis:

All right.

Marlee:

Then I think you have a certain responsibility.

20:01

I think certainly the partner who behaved poorly needs to apologize, but I think since you exposed other innocent individuals to them…

Lis:

All right. 

Marlee:

You need to apologize as well. 

Lis:

I see your point. 

Marlee:

Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.Romancipation.com.

20:25

Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released. Also make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast, please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify. 

20:44

Reviews let Apple know that great listeners like you enjoy our show and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again and stay Romancipated.