S3 Episode 7: Romantic Trespassing: Don’t Violate My Boundaries
Episode Summary
Believe it or not, everyone loves boundaries. Why? Because they set expectations and reinforce security in a relationship. When a person is clear about their expectations, wants and needs in a relationship, they set their partner up for success. Remember, boundaries are a two-way street in a relationship. Just as you expect yours to be respected, you must offer the same to your partner.
Honest and open communication is necessary in any romantic relationship. It is unfair to expect your partner to read your mind, no matter how long you have been together. As relationships evolve, a person’s boundaries can shift. The only way your partner will know if they have violated your boundary is by you letting them know.
Romantic trespassing can make you feel uncomfortable and angry. If a partner is refusing to respect your established boundaries, there is a lack of respect and empathy in your relationship. However, if you tolerated a behavior in the past and never let your partner know that it crossed your boundary, you only have yourself to blame. Never let fear of rejection stop you from practicing self-preservation.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss when your partner has poor bedtime manners.
Show Notes
Setting boundaries and keeping them is important for a healthy relationship. It supports self-preservation, and that’s what Romancipation is all about. Some boundaries are static and unchanging, and they should not be crossed. For example, consider the boundary of monogamy. This is a static boundary in most relationships.
Some boundaries are more dynamic and may change as you build trust and intimacy. Whether your boundaries are static or dynamic, they must be communicated. Your partner can’t always read your mind. When your boundaries are crossed, let your partner know that they are making you uncomfortable.
When you let your partner know that they are violating your boundaries, they should back off. If they don’t back off, it’s a huge red flag. This is a trespassing of your boundaries and is a play for power. The same applies if it’s the other way around. You have to respect your partner’s boundaries, too.
When people just start dating, they will sometimes allow their boundaries to be crossed out of fear of rejection. Later on, a line will be drawn. This is unfair to the partner who never had this clearly communicated to them before. If you find yourself in this situation, you should discuss it in a kind and thoughtful way.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When your partner has poor bedtime manners. Snoring, blanket stealing, and making the room too cold is frustrating and can create tension and conflict. It creates a power imbalance in the relationship, because one person is always compromising their comfort. Nothing is worse than having a bad sleep when your partner wakes up fresh as a daisy.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
On today's episode, Romantic Trespassing: Don't Violate My Boundaries.
Lis:
I love it. I love it.
Marlee:
Well, I mean, listen, we talk about boundaries all the time, and they're such an important aspect of romantic relationships.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
So I would love to hear what you have to say about them. So take it away Lis.
Lis:
Okay. I actually, I have a lot of thoughts on boundaries and yes, we do talk a lot about boundaries, but I will say that for me personally, I have a huge issue with setting boundaries and keeping them, and I don't know if it's because growing up for me, I never really heard the term boundaries.
It wasn't really something that we talked about. Definitely not in my household. And yes, we had boundaries, but I don't think that they were ever really referred to as like, this is my boundary. Where now even when I talk to my kids or my husband, there's times where I'm just like, Okay. You're kind of crossing my boundary here.
Like we need to like have this conversation. I never heard that growing up.
Marlee:
I think that's a really common life experience unless you're the child of a psychologist. Right?
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
I don't think you usually hear, you know, let's talk about boundaries…
Lis:
I know, but there are so important and there's so many different types of boundaries that you can set, and I think it's actually, I think it's really confusing for people
to hear the term boundary and to understand well, okay, well what does that mean? And it's, so personal.
Marlee:
Okay. I'll give you a visual. So you know the famous saying, fences make good neighbors.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Right?
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
I want you to take that visual.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And it's true. Boundaries make solid relationships.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Right. If people are in a relationship and they actually understand where they can go, how far they can go, what they can do, what they can say with their partner. It reinforces not only a sense of respect and trust, it builds intimacy, but it also reinforces security.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Right. And fences really are about self-preservation, right.
You're protecting your land, so to speak.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
You're protecting your home. It's the same thing. Boundaries are about self-preservation, and that's what Romancipation is all about.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
It's about really understanding what you need, what you want from another person and being able to clearly communicate it.
And what is very much tied up with boundaries is expectations. Right.
Lis:
You're so right. Yeah.
Marlee:
And so this is why it is important to be able to communicate them.
Lis:
And I think that they can change too, right?
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
It's not something that you have to stick your stake in the ground.
Marlee:
So it's interesting you say that.
Because I do think that there are some boundaries that are very static.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
They usually don't change. Often those boundaries come up from what you discussed, upbringing, maybe cultural boundaries, maybe religious boundaries. It can even be how people envision the relationship.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
I mean, there are some relationships,
I know both you and I are in monogamous relationships, or at least we hope so, right? But so that is a boundary that I think you and I would both agree, we would say to our husbands, It ain't gonna become dynamic. That's a static boundary, man. All right.
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
Like as in you're with me. I'm with you.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
You're not poking anyone else.
Lis:
No throuples.
Marlee:
Yeah. So, exactly. So that's what I mean. So that's an example of boundaries that you make very clear that chances are throughout your relationship, they're not going to change.
Lis:
Right, exactly.
Marlee:
But then there are a lot of dynamic boundaries, right? They're things that evolve as people get to know each other as you go through different life stages, as you have different life experiences.
Lis:
Right.
You build trust. There's definitely stuff.
Marlee:
You build intimacy. Exactly. That's right. There might be things you sexually weren't willing to do because it was a violation of your boundaries that after being married for 20 years, you're like, you know what? Maybe we do try what you had asked on our honeymoon.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And meanwhile the guy like practically passes out because he's so excited. But, so that's what I mean, like boundaries absolutely can evolve.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And I think that's a really important part of what you need to communicate because if you aren't clear with your partner that your boundary has evolved, and remember we've talked about mind reading.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
People expecting somebody read their mind.
Lis:
Yes, exactly.
Marlee:
And you can't always read your partner's mind. In fact, it's kind of ridiculous to expect somebody to be able to read your mind. So I do think it's very important when you're talking with your partner, to check in and talk about your boundaries and you don't even have to use the word boundaries.
Lis:
I think that sticks me a lot. You know, I don't really use the word boundary. It's complicated for me and I do feel like there's times where I feel like I have communicated something to my partner or someone else, and I didn't use the word boundary, like this is where I'm stuck on this, but I feel like I’ve
put it out there and then it's not respected. And to me, so it's a feeling of like, do I need to say, Hey, listen, like this is where I'm like struggling.
Marlee:
So I'll give you a great code word for boundaries, comfort. You're making me uncomfortable.
Lis:
Oh, good.
Marlee:
Right?
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Instead of saying, dude, you're violating my boundaries right now.
Lis:
Right. Boundary this.
Marlee:
Yeah. You're saying, you know what, that's making me uncomfortable.
Lis:
Yeah. Okay.
Marlee:
And that really is about identifying what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable, because there are times when people aren't completely clear with what makes them comfortable or uncomfortable.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Ergo, what you talk about, maybe they're not quite sure of what their boundary is.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
But I do think that if you really, again, practice that self-awareness that you and I always talk about.
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
And recognize, wait a second, this is making me uncomfortable. And if something is making you uncomfortable…
Lis:
Yes:
Marlee:
Chances are, and it's something your partner's doing,
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
They are violating a boundary for you.
Lis:
Well, and it comes in so many different forms.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
It's not even just physical. I mean, I think even…
Marlee:
Financial. Emotional.
Lis:
Financial, I was going to say financial. Like somebody wants to go out to dinner at a really expensive restaurant and you know you can't afford it…
Marlee:
and it's a violation of your financial boundaries.
Lis:
It's a violation,
Marlee:
It makes you uncomfortable.
Lis:
And that's exactly it.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And I think it does come in, so yes. Okay.
Marlee:
And I mean, listen, and here's the deal, because your comfort level changes over time, right? Depending on maybe the internal evolution you experience, maybe external influences or pressure, your life stage, the type of commitment you have, the level of commitment you have, right?
So all those things can absolutely influence and change your boundaries and change your comfort level with certain things. But I also think that you should explore your limits, and you should try and push your boundaries in a relationship, because you might be really surprised…
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
What you end up discovering about yourself or about the other person.
Now listen, I'm not talking about when somebody pushes too far.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And violates your boundaries, and that's that whole term of romantic trespassing.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Right. They've sort of crossed over.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
They've trespassed and it feels like a violation.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And you want to make that clear to somebody if they've done that.
Right. If they've trespassed and made you feel really uncomfortable.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Whether it's a communication style, right. Some people are very uncomfortable with somebody raising their voice.
Lis:
Oh my gosh.
Marlee:
Right. If all of a sudden somebody raises their voice who doesn't usually raise their voice, and all of a sudden somebody does raise their voice…
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
It goes from a sort of uncomfortable to like a violation.
Lis:
This is like elevated.
Marlee:
Exactly.
Lis:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Marlee:
And so that's what I mean. So people need to be clear. You can say to your partner, Hey, listen. I get it that it's getting a little heated, but you don't need to use that language or you don't need to like start yelling at me.
Now I'm feeling threatened.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
And believe it or not, when you let somebody know, you're trespassing, right?
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
You're violating. Often the person will say, Yikes, okay, sorry. And they'll back off. Now, of course, if they don't back off…
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Red flag.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Because you've now clearly stated to somebody, you're making me uncomfortable, I'm feeling violated.
You are trespassing and they keep going. That's a power play.
Lis:
Yeah. You know, I'm not going to lie, I've been, I've done that before.
Marlee:
Oh, is Lis admitting to being a trespasser?
Lis:
I think I've trespassed, you know, I mean, we've definitely, my husband and I have definitely gotten in into an argument where he'll be like, okay, like, enough.
Let's stop talking about this or let's like table it and I'm like, I just keep going at it. And you know what? He's clearly said like this is making him uncomfortable. And now I'm thinking back in my head and I can't really even get to the specific argument because it was actually probably a while ago. But I do remember myself just going at it and I really clearly violated a boundary.
Marlee:
Well because it's a two-way street.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Right. I mean…
Lis:
It's not just me being attacked.
Marlee:
That's right. When you're talking about boundary violation and somebody trespassing, so to speak, you are also just as capable of being guilty of it.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
I know I've done it lots of times. In fact, I myself am a very proficient trespasser. I'm sure my husband would say that, but that's just it. It's again about the self-awareness. It's about not only communicating your boundaries and your comfort level, but also being attuned to what your partner is saying.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Or the body language they're showing you.
Lis:
Body language. Yes.
Marlee:
That's another way that people communicate boundaries. So you've got to be able to take all these cues in, because you're right, most people don't say, you're violating my boundaries.
Lis:
Hoist up my pick sign. Yeah, exactly.
Marlee:
Yeah. So you need to be able to pick up on it.
Lis:
But wouldn't it be great if we had like a red card and a green card on our hands? It's just like, I need hold it up.
Marlee:
I mean, it would, but look, this is what I'll say to you. The best way to avoid boundary violation is to be consistent and communicative about what your actual limitations or boundaries or wants or needs or comfort level, however you want to describe it, what they actually are.
Because the truth is your partner might think that they understand your boundaries or your limitations, but in fact they're completely off base. And it might be because you've changed your boundary, or it might be that you never actually communicated what that boundary was before…
Lis:
Or communicated it clearly.
I'm definitely a victim of that too.
Marlee:
Yeah, exactly. Or you're inconsistent.
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
Some days that behavior that you consider a violation of your boundary, you've accepted and other days, you don't. I will give you what I think what is a very common phenomenon.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
When people first start dating, and there are certain things that the person they're dating is doing, and it is a violation of their boundaries, but they are so fearful
of rejection or of the relationship somehow ending or of them seeming like they're unreasonable, that they're silent about it. Right. They kind of just sort of let it happen, and then as the couple becomes more intimate, more committed, as it becomes more serious relationship, maybe all of a sudden they start living together.
Maybe they get married and now, and it's usually the woman. She's like, you can't do that. Or that's unfair or I hate it when you do fill in the blank and the guy is like, Oh, I don't get it. She didn't have a problem before. And you know what? He's completely legitimate in saying that.
Lis:
You're so right. That happens so often.
Marlee:
And because she didn't clearly say, you know what, you leaving your socks, your dirty, smelly underwear all over the bathroom floor.
It's a violation. It's a violation of my boundary. Right. It makes me uncomfortable. I don't like it.
Lis:
Clean up your own mess.
Marlee:
Yeah. But they don't say anything. Right? Because they don't want to seem like the nagging, bitchy, whiny chick.
Lis:
Ugh. Yep.
Marlee:
And the guy meanwhile, is like doing what he's always done.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
He’s leaving his shit everywhere, and then all of a sudden they're living together, or they're married and she's like, pick up your shit.
This is ridiculous. You're a slob. And he’s like, Why is she attacking me?
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Why is she attacking me?
Lis:
It's like a deer in headlights.
Marlee:
Yes. And he can't figure her out. Why all of a sudden is he being vilified. Right?
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Why he's being accused of being a trespasser when as far as he's concerned, he's just, he's not done anything.
Lis:
He's living his life.
Marlee:
He's living his life.
Lis:
Like he has always done.
Marlee:
That's right. And so I do think that, again, it's important to let somebody know early on that you are uncomfortable with what they're doing or something they're doing isn't meeting your expectations. And you can do it in a thoughtful, kind way. You can say like, I'll take the dirty laundry example.
You know what you do? You put a hamper in the bathroom, for example, and you say, Hey hon, you know what? When you take off your dirty underwear and your dirty socks, at the end of the day, can you just throw him in the hamper? And if he forgets once or twice use positive reinforcement. Say to him, baby, I just love when you throw your dirty, stinky underwear and socks in the hamper.
And then, you know, I don’t know, give him a hand job. Listen, I'm just saying you do things like that...
Lis:
Like the reward system but instead of a star chart.
Marlee:
But guess what?
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
You get him used to doing that behavior. Eh, you have to like, you know, you have to give him a five-minute hand job maybe in the beginning, you know?
But, my point is, there are ways to encourage somebody in a thoughtful, kind way to almost understand what your boundaries are and in some ways alter their behavior. I don't know. I think blowjobs might get him actually cleaning the toilets and the sink, you know, putting the cap back on the toothpaste.
I'm just saying blow jobs can be very magical things at times, but you get what I mean. You have the ability to say to somebody, the restaurant example, you said…
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
I am trying to save up for something…
Lis:
I'm paying student loans, right? I'm paying back debt.
Marlee:
So I'm not comfortable going to this more expensive restaurant.
Can we go to someplace that's more reasonable?
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Again, this is an example of you being able to communicate your wants, your needs, your expectations, your boundaries. A partner who respects you, a partner who loves you, they want to know what the boundaries are. I mean, how often do you, and I know this about children, children love boundaries.
Lis:
They do.
Marlee:
They do. Anybody who says children don't love boundaries, they don't know what they're talking about. Children love boundaries because boundaries make people feel safe.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It makes them feel secure.
Lis:
Comfortable.
Marlee:
It makes them feel comfortable. They know what they can and can't do. And that's why they like them.
And the person who keeps pushing your boundaries, which again, is completely normal for a child to do because they're trying to learn what those boundaries are.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
But, for an adult to be pushing your boundaries, especially when you are communicating that they are going past your boundaries.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
That's a problem.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
That's a person that does not respect you. That is a person that I will tell you, you are not going to have a healthy relationship with. That is a person who is only concerned with their own boundaries and not yours.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
The person that dismisses your boundaries…
Lis:
Is a self-centered type of person.
Marlee:
Yeah. As like, oh, it's not a big deal.
Or, you know, why are you reacting like that? That should make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Because everybody has their own perspective on things. Everybody has their own life experience. We've talked about that before.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
And it doesn't matter if you and I don't look at things the same way, if I'm letting you know that I find one of your behaviors or something you're saying is a violation for me, if you love and respect me, if you care about me.
You are going to listen and you are going to do your damnedest to stop that behavior.
Lis:
And it’s a two-way street.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
I think that you made such a great point because it's on both sides.
Marlee:
Always.
Lis:
Right? And I think people do get very self-centered, being frustrated about like even the dirty laundry piece of it. Where was your personal responsibility in it?
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
I know that I'm not always the best at communicating like what I want or what I need, and so my boundaries definitely get stepped on. But if I'm being honest with myself, it's a me problem.
Like I'm not doing my job to communicate what I need from that other person.
Marlee:
That's right. If you want a relationship that is fair and thoughtful, it's got to be a two-way street. You have to respect the other person's boundaries even if you don't agree with them. It's just like belief systems. You don't have to agree with what somebody else thinks or feels to be able to validate them.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
And that is why when it comes to romantic trespassing, do not violate another person, meaning your partners boundaries. Respect them, appreciate them, because guess what? Boundaries equal security.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When Your Partner has Poor Bedtime Manners, things like snoring, blanket stealing, making the room too cold. I mean, am I getting a little too personal here? Okay, so I experienced this stuff, so do you mind if I go first?
I need to vent.
Lis:
Please do.
Marlee:
Okay. It's the main reason so many people sleep in separate bedrooms.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
That is not my case, but I'm just saying it is very frustrating, which leads to anger and poor sleep. Then this creates tension and conflict, which just gets repeated in the evening.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It becomes a bad and unhealthy cycle.
It often creates a power imbalance in the relationship because one partner is always sacrificing or compromising their comfort.
Lis:
Oh Yeah.
Marlee:
It can be a serious deal breaker for some relationships.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It creates resentment that just keeps growing and growing every time you hear that snoring. Right? I mean, habits that were tolerated early in the relationship end up taking on a life of their own.
Lis:
Oh my gosh. Yep.
Marlee:
They become symbolic of how incompatible the individuals are with one another. If one partner is not willing to communicate their frustrations with the other, it's a big signal. It means that there's problems in the relationship, and if the other partner who is creating those problems is not willing to compromise and try and actively work on them, it shows an absolute lack of respect for their partner.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
And I think that in general, it just feels disrespectful if both parties don't try to compromise on things like room temperature, blanket sharing, taking care of like snoring or breathing issues. I don't know. I just feel that desperate times sometimes call for desperate measures. I don’t know. I want to hear yours.
Lis:
Well, I mean, my poor husband has definitely woken up with some bruising as I like elbow him, so I have the problem with…
Marlee:
Oh, that's right, Jimmy Legs.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Ok. Ugh. Hate those.
Lis:
The worst is when your partner wakes you up all night and you get the worst night's sleep and they wake up feeling fresh as a daisy.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And they're like, Oh, that was a great night's sleep. You're like just sitting there stewing.
Marlee:
Ready to hurt them.
Lis:
Yup. I know for me that the less sleep I get, the more irritable I become.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
I need a good night's sleep, so when I don't get one, my husband definitely, and my kids definitely know it in the morning.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
To me, it's just about being considerate or a lack of consideration. Things like sleeping with the TV on temperature, differences in the bedroom, social media or emailing in bed are such a no no.
Marlee:
Yes. Or eating, Ugh.
Lis:
Oh, here you go.
Marlee:
My husband's never done that, but I just think it’s disgusting.
Lis:
Please do not ever eat in bed the crumbs get everywhere. Oh, you just, that's all I had on that now too.
Marlee:
Sorry for interrupting.
Lis:
No, no. It's horrible. But I also want to say, I think night owls versus early birds, I think you can have different sleep patterns and still do it consideratly.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Right. I mean, I know so many people. I happen to be an early morning person. I like to get up and get things going.
My husband happens to be a late-night person, so trying to figure out a way to combine that and be considerate of each other. I mean, I think we've gotten to that point, but it definitely takes communication.
Marlee:
No, absolutely agree.
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast,
please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify. Reviews let Apple know that great listeners like you enjoy our show and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again and stay Romancipated.