Respect is the Anchor of a Relationship, Not Love

[00:00:00] 

Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.

00:30

It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated. 

Marlee:

On today's episode, Respect is the Anchor of a Relationship, Not Love. 

Lis:

Ooh, okay. Yeah, I think we both have some feelings on this one. 

Marlee:

Oh, I think we both have some strong feelings on this one, so I'm going to sort of open it up.

00:51 

Okay. And then we will discuss. Okay. How's that Lis? 

Lis:

Yeah, sounds good. 

Marlee:

Okay. I'm going to start by saying, I think people are brainwashed from very early ages into thinking that they should be searching for love. That love is everything, that love will save the day. I am going to call bullshit. I am a firm believer, and I've said this before, love is not enough to sustain a relationship.

01:19 

Lis:

Yeah. You and I are on the same page for that. Absolutely. 

Marlee:

Great. I'm glad we are. I think we're also on the same page in saying that a hugely important part of a relationship, one of the cornerstones of a successful relationship is respect. 

Lis:

Absolutely. 

Marlee:

Thank you. Now I'm going to break this down a little bit.

01:39 

Okay. One of the reasons that I reject love, not because I'm a meanie, not because I don't believe in love. 

Lis:

You reject it. 

Marlee:

No, it's because love is different for every person, depending on how they were raised, how they experience life. Love is interpreted differently. It's experienced differently. There are some people who, for example, express their love through words or compliments.

02:10

Lis:

Sure. 

Marlee:

There are some people that express love through gifts. Right? 

Or gestures. Or acts. There are some people that express their love by being very nurturing or caring, right? So, there's lots of different ways that people experience love and express love. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

Respect stands by itself Lis.

02:28 

Respect is something that, first of all, it's not instantaneous. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

Right. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

It's not chemical. Right? Respect is for me, based on you actually observing the person living up to what they say they're going to do. Being consistent. Being fair. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

Again, you can develop respect for somebody and once you have that, it is easy to build upon it.

03:02 

Now, don't get me wrong, you can absolutely lose respect for somebody.

Lis:

 For sure. 

Marlee:

Just the way I think you can lose love for somebody. But I think that the love part is much more volatile because it's so tied to emotion. 

Lis:

Yeah, okay. Absolutely. Yeah. I get where your coming from. 

Marlee:

And respect, where you coming from is much more tied to consistent behavior.

03:23 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

So, for example, I can love a person, think that they're a great person, but I can have no respect for how they handle their finances.  

Lis:

Right. Okay. Yep. 

Marlee:

Right. Or there can be somebody that I do not like whatsoever, and I certainly have no love for them, but I respect their work ethic. 

Lis:

Okay.

Marlee:

I think that in a relationship, obviously you want both.

03:54 

Lis:

Yeah.

Marlee:

Right. That would be the ideal, but that while I think love can ebb and flow…

Lis:

Sure. 

Marlee:

Depending on what's happening. I think respect is a constant and as long as you have that constant, you have a very solid foundation to be able to work through the ups and downs of a relationship. 

Lis:

Okay. I'm seeing where you're coming from and actually, I'm kind of glad that you clarified that piece of it, like the working through the ups and downs and that love is tied to emotion because I completely agree with you on, on all sides of that.

04:27

I'm coming from a perspective where I feel as though any healthy relationship is going to have a certain level of both. Yes, people love in very different ways, but to me, love and respect have to be mutually exclusive in a relationship. I don't feel like you can have one without the other.

04:51 

Marlee:

But you do realize that there are a lot of relationships out there that absolutely have, I think the love component, but they completely miss the respect component. 

Lis:

Okay. Give me some examples because I'm still trying to see what you mean.

Marlee:

 I have personally observed, and I'm sure you yourself have as well, that there have been relationships where…

05:16 

…one partner doesn't particularly respect the other partner’s intelligence, decision making ability, ability to raise children properly, ability to manage finances. I'll give you an example. 

Lis:

Okay? 

Marlee:

You take the classic husband wife situation and I'm sure that there are a lot of people out there who would say, Hey, my dad didn't let my mom have any say in the finances.

05:43

My mom didn't have let my dad have any say in how to discipline us, but there was a lot of love and respect in the relationship. I would argue no. Because the fact is, if your dad really did respect your mother's ability to manage the finances, then he would have no problem sharing that duty with her or having her be part of the conversation because her opinions would be just as valid as his.

Lis:

Right.

06:14

And, and the same goes in terms of raising the kids or disciplining the kids. If your mother truly respected your father's abilities, to raise the children.

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

Then she would be able to go off on a long afternoon and leave the kids with her husband, with the idea that whatever he chooses to do to feed them…

Lis:

It’s survival people, it's called survival.

06:37

But that's my point. They might have loved each other, but there obviously was a certain part of respect missing for each of them, because neither trusted the other to do the right thing. 

Lis:

Okay. But, okay, so this is where I'm going to stop you. 

Marlee:

Okay. 

Lis:

Because you've now just said that they don't necessarily fully respect each other.

07:00

They don't necessarily totally trust either each other. 

Marlee:

Yeah. 

Lis:

So to me, how is that love? That's where I think where I'm missing something.

Marlee:

Because I can be emotionally connected, I can be reliant on you. I can feel the tingles when I look at you. Okay? But it doesn't mean that I'm actually going to respect you.

07:24 

Lis:

Okay. See you, me, that's part of love. 

Marlee:

Okay. Okay. Like I have friends. All right. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

That I really, I enjoy their company. I think they're fun. I really like them. I will even argue, I have a love for them. 

Lis:

Sure. Okay. 

Marlee:

But I don't think they're particularly competent. I don't particularly respect a lot of the decisions that they make in their lives.

07:49 

To the point that, for example, I wouldn't even entrust them with my fish. To take care of a fish for a few days.

Lis:

Poor Goldie. 

Marlee:

Yeah. No, but no. Okay. And I’m talking about a beta fish and those things can survive like anything, you know.

Lis:

Those are like a fair fish that never died. 

Marlee:

Yeah. Exactly. They can like survive just about anything.

08:04 

All right. But that's my point. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

Is that I can have emotional feelings towards somebody. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

But not actually respect them. And that's what I mean when I'm saying that the anchor off a relationship should be respect, not love. I get your argument that they go hand in hand. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

I don't think so. I think that there are a lot of people in abusive relationships, where they are utterly convinced that they love that person.

Lis:

Right.

08:33 

Marlee:

But by the very nature of that person physically assaulting them or emotionally tearing them down. That by definition is not respect or love, but you can put them on a lie detector test. They will pass. They absolutely love this person. They absolutely believe this person loves them. 

Lis:

Okay, I see where you're coming from.

08:54

I get it. I'm just having so much trouble wrapping my head around the fact that they're mutually exclusive, that are not mutually exclusive like that. I don't know. I have just always felt that in my relationships that I have had, that I have to have a certain level of respect for my partner in order to even get to a place that I love them.

09:21 

Marlee:

Then you are an evolved individual. 

Lis:

So, and I think that's where I'm like struggling because I just can't understand…

Marlee:

And I think that is the disconnect. I think, here's the deal. I think this is what it is. I think I can resolve your issue right here. 

Lis:

Okay. Okay. Help me here. 

Marlee:

Dr. Marlee is in the house. Session is in.

09:38 

You were raised, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I know this about you. You were raised in a very loving household where you saw a lot of mutual respect between your parents. And that was the social script that you were just raised with. And so, you looked for certain qualities and you held yourself to a certain standard where if somebody didn't respect you, it was dead in the water.

09:59

Like you wouldn't even, the love couldn't even grow if you didn't respect the person. The person didn't respect you. Is that fair to say? 

Lis:

I think that's super fair. 

Marlee:

Yeah. Okay. What I'm telling you is I think there's a lot of people out there unfortunately, who grew up in families where they don't have that kind of healthy script to follow, and as a result, they end up not recognizing…

10:22 

…how important respect is, and then they go into relationship after relationship and they can't figure out why those relationships aren't working out. And usually it's because, not that there wasn't some sort of feeling of love between the two people, but that respect was lacking either on one party's part or mutually.

10:42 

They were lacking respect. 

Lis:

No, I get it. And I'm still, so what I'm actually hearing that you're saying is that it is also a lack of respect for yourself. 

Marlee:

Yeah. 

Lis:

You're getting into a relationship and not enforcing the fact that your partner respect the things that you bring to the table. 

Marlee:

By golly, I think she's got it!

11:06

No, exactly. Yeah, that's exactly it. Respect is something, you need to have a certain amount of self-love. You need to have a certain amount of self-awareness. 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

Certainly. But what I'm saying to you is for. Respect can exist. Okay. There are relationships where it started off with a lot of love and a lot of respect.

11:29 

Lis:

Yep. Okay.

Marlee:

 And just through the natural evolution of how relationships change over time. 

Lis:

Sure. 

Marlee:

The love kind of dulled. You know what I mean? The passion kind of dulled, maybe the person one partner would do or say things that just sort of slowly but surely kind of killed a bit of the love.

11:50 

Right. Death by a thousand cuts. 

Lis:

Sure. Okay. Yep. We all know that saying.

Marlee:

But the fact is the same individual who maybe kind of killed parts of the love for a multitude of reasons. They were always respectful. 

Lis:

Okay.  

Marlee:

They were always solid in showing respect to their partner. Do you see what I mean?

12:10 

And I think that a lot of relationships end up staying pretty solid and actually have the ability to revive the love aspect. Because the respect is there. They're actually willing when they realize the love has kind of been muted.

Lis:

Okay. 

Marlee:

They're willing to actually fight for the relationship because there is a respect.

Lis:

Okay.

12:32 

Marlee:

Because they realize the value of this person. Because they respect them. Does that make sense? 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

And I also think that, again, with respect comes trust. And trust is just another hugely important component of a successful relationship. And I think that a lot of people, if they don't respect their partner, it's very easy to justify behaving in a way that some might deem as less than trustworthy.

13:01 

Does that make sense? 

Lis:

I'm getting it. Yeah. Okay. Listen, like I see where you're going with this and I think that it's, so, I think you made some really great points, and I think that yeah, love is different for everybody. Yeah. Based on your wants and needs, but the foundational piece of respect, staying steady throughout the course of whatever your relationship is, is so hugely important that if there's a dent in that, then everything else can’t really exist.

13:33 

Marlee:

That's right. Yeah. Listen, R E S P E C T find out what it means to me. It allows for good communication when there's mutual respect. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

Teamwork. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

Trust. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

Security. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

And the building of intimacy. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

That's what it means to me. 

It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.

13:54

Marlee:

It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When People Hide Purchases from Their Partner.

Lis:

I can't tell you. 

Marlee:

You're guilty of this. Obviously. 

Lis:

I'm actually not guilty of this. 

Marlee:

Okay. 

Lis:

But I remember growing up and my mom having a trunk full of like shopping bags that she would bring in and listen.

14:22 

Like my dad actually could have cared less, but she would just think she was being so sneaky about it and you know, like wearing like a new outfit, so I find this so hysterical. 

Marlee:

I find this so fascinating. Because again, I have not experienced this yet, I've known so many friends who do this.

14:41 

Marlee:

Do you mind if I go first? 

Lis:

Please do. 

Marlee:

On this one. So, I hope I'm not going to offend anybody, but I'm just telling you my feelings. Okay. So my first vent is, I think it's shockingly common in marriages. 

Lis:

I think so too. 

Marlee:

I do think though, it shows a lack of respect for your partner. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

I think it can be very selfish behavior, especially if there's already debt or an agreement to save money.

Lis:

Absolutely. Yes.

15:01

Marlee:

I think it can be a sign of abuse or controlling partner if you need to actually hide purchases for fear of punishment. 

Lis:

Fair. Yeah. 

Marlee:

Or retribution. 

Lis:

Absolutely. Yep. 

Marlee:

I think it's can be very sneaky, and therefore a violation of trust between the partners. 

Lis:

It's definitely sneaky. Yeah. 

Marlee:

What are you purchasing that you need to hide it?

15:20 

I mean, if it's another pair of black shoes, I will hold judgment because I get it. However, I do think it signals that you and your partner are not on the same page when it comes to your financial situation. 

Lis:

Totally.

Marlee:

I also think that it's a sign that their communication in the relationship is lacking. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

Certainly, in that very important aspect of your relationship.

15:42

To me it is a red flag. I think this is exactly how debt begins or is increased. And I think it's, it can be reflective of an imbalance in the relationship if one partner has more control over the money or how the money is spent. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

And I, I also think that this is a big violation of the boundaries of the relationship just in general.

16:04  

Lis:

Yeah, no, absolutely. You made such great points. 

Marlee:

So those are mine. 

Lis:

So true. It's so true. 

Marlee:

Those are mine, but I want to hear yours. 

Lis:

Listen, I totally agree that I think that this is very common, but I think all of your points were super valid. I think that there's an embarrassment or fear of being judged and that is sometimes a really strong reason why people hide purchases.

16:25 

Like you said, is this your seventh pair of black shoes? 

Marlee:

Don't judge me on that! 

Lis:

There's a lot of pairs of shoes you need for different occasion. I actually think men and women are equal opportunity over spenders and purchasers

Marlee:

Right. Yes. 

Lis:

I think that the term financial infidelity is actually very true and a partner lying about money might be as deceitful as somebody lying about sleeping around.

16:48

They're just lying about different themes of life. 

Marlee:

Oh, my goodness. 

Lis:

Like, I mean, depending on like the different boundaries that you've set and the different kinds of stuff where it's totally true. 

Marlee:

Okay. I love it, did you come up with that term? 

Lis:

No, that one I actually had to look that one up. 

Marlee:

Damn. Because I know. I was going to say, you need to copyright that man.

17:06 

That's financial infidelity. I love it. Okay, keep going. 

Lis:

No, well because it is. It's a form of infidelity anyway. Alright. It shows a breakdown of trust. Which I totally agree with. You said that. Trouble comes when hiding purchases indicate a clash of values and lead to a lack of trust over time. 

Marlee:

Right.

17:23

Lis:

So maybe you value certain things in your life and your partner values something totally different, but you guys are just not synced up. And then people view money differently. Some people see money as a means to an end, but others see it as a social status. 

Marlee:

Right. 

Lis:

So I think, again, that all just comes down to your values, how you're syncing up with your partner and a lack of communication.

17:47 

If you're valuing something, maybe you were brought up in a certain type of way where money was more scarce, and so you had to really kind of like hoard it or feel like there was other purchases that need to be made. And then, you know, your partner might have been spendy and come from like where social status was really important, so.

18:05

Marlee:

Okay. Amazing. Brilliant. I think you should claim ownership of the fabulous term. Financial infidelity. 

Lis:

It's true. It's true. 

Marlee:

Amazing. Great. Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com.

18:31

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18:51 

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