S4 Episode 6: Resentment is Relationship Cancer
Episode Summary
Resentment is natural and inevitable. Hence the reason it is responsible for so many relationships coming to an end. It can come from internal or external sources and can wreak havoc on your love life. Every person should be aware of what their resentment triggers are, and clearly communicate them to their partner.
Whether it is a power imbalance, mistreatment or feelings of inadequacy, you must be vigilant with how your partner’s behavior and actions are impacting your feelings about the relationship. Letting things fester is never a good idea, nor is ignoring an issue that keeps coming up.
Empathy is the best way to combat resentment. By actively placing yourself in your partner’s shoes, you may be able to catch yourself or a situation before it breeds negative feelings. Practice self-awareness and ask your partner to do the same. Together you can manage any feelings of resentment by addressing them head-on.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss when your partner lets you fight their battles with family, friends and work colleagues.
Show Notes
Resentment is a heavy word, and it can also have a heavy impact on your relationship. It is the number one relationship killer. It’s an open wound that kills the relationship if it’s not taken care of. Once it sets in, it’s next to impossible to erase it unless you’re aware, thoughtful, and intentional about ridding your relationship of resentment.
Power imbalances, feeling mistreated, and disrespect can lead to resentment. The moment something is perceived as unfair, it makes space for this feeling to sink in. The experience itself is quite common and almost unavoidable, so the key is identifying when it’s building before it takes over your relationship.
Communicating your wants and needs can keep resentment at bay. However, it’s also just as important to hear your partner’s wants and needs, too. Keep in mind that these can also evolve over time on both sides. Infidelity, financial irresponsibility, and decisions made when raising children are all circumstances that can welcome resentment.
Lack of privacy, lack of free time, and lack of alone-time are also smaller issues that can lead to significant feelings of resentment. It can also come from past trauma – without a person even consciously realizing it. The cure for resentment is empathy. Place yourself in your partner’s position, so you can appreciate and address their resentment.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When your partner makes you the bad guy to save face. It’s manipulative, pathetic, and it violates boundaries. It is an underhanded way of letting someone else fight your battles for you. Nothing speaks to a lack of respect of your partner quite like this.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating, and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
On today's episode, Resentment is Relationship Cancer. Okay.
Lis:
Wow.
Marlee:
So, Lis, resentment, really heavy word.
Lis:
It's such a big word. It's an important word.
Marlee:
And that's why I call it relationship cancer, because cancer, that's a heavy word too.
But I need our listeners to understand how important it is to combat resentment in a relationship because it really is, I think, the number one relationship killer is resentment.
Lis:
Yeah. It's an open wound that kind of festers if it's not taken care of.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Absolutely. And then it gets infected and then you die.
Lis:
Well, I know that sounds disgusting, but it's true. I mean the relationship ends, it’s true.
Marlee:
The relationship dies.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Absolutely. So I want to really let people understand that once resentment sets into a relationship, it's next to impossible to erase if you are not thoughtful about it and you're not aware of it.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
I want to start off by giving some examples of how resentment ends up in a relationship.
Lis:
Yeah. Great. Please do.
Marlee:
So first, when you feel disrespected, taken for granted or mistreated by your partner, resentment will set in. When there's a power imbalance in the relationship, resentment will set in. When one person is expected to sacrifice or compromise without anything in return, resentment will set in. The moment something is perceived as unfair, resentment will set in.
Resentment is just one of those things that all of us feel.
Lis:
Totally.
Marlee:
It is so natural. We don't even know what is going to trigger resentment in us, because believe it or not, there's a lot of decisions that we make in our romantic relationships where in the moment, we thought they were good choices.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
But the fact is they were not.
Lis:
Not for you personally.
Marlee:
Not for you personally, because they end up triggering resentment. In a prior podcast, you and I had talked about sacrifice versus compromise. And we used the example of women giving up their careers to stay home with their children and raise their family.
And how at the beginning, they might have thought that that's something that they really wanted. And both partners agreed. It wasn't forced on anyone. It was an agreed upon idea.
Lis:
It was a mutual decision.
Marlee:
A mutual decision. And then within a few years, they start to feel very resentful about the decision that they made.
So again, I'm not telling you that resentment isn't natural. It is. Can you completely avoid resentment in a relationship? Absolutely not.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
Resentment will come in all different shapes and forms. What you have to do though, is you have to make sure that you practice self-awareness.
Lis:
Well, I think one, I love the example you just gave because I think sometimes because resentment is such a big word.
And it holds so much power in and over relationship. I think the example you just gave is so important because sometimes resentment can come out as like a no fault, right?
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
I mean that example that you gave started as a mutual decision that you made as a couple. That one person would stay home raising the children and one person would be a financial earner for the family.
And as the one person maybe that's staying home. Feelings shift and I just said her, but it doesn't always have to be a her.
Marlee:
Yeah, no, you're right.
Lis:
Like feelings shift, but also the financial burden on the other person, that can shift over time as well as you determine that you need more financial stability for your family and maybe you really needed that second earner so, I think that, like you said, practicing self-awareness and understanding where you're at and the realization that relationships change over time.
You have to stay in constant awareness and communication.
Marlee:
Well, exactly. It's the evolvement of the relationship, right?
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Your wants evolve. Your needs evolve.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
Your boundaries evolve.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And that is why it's so critical to not only be aware of how all those things are evolving for you, hence the reason you should be very self-aware, but also why you need to communicate with your partner and not only communicate how your boundaries or wants or needs have evolved, but ask them about theirs.
Have their boundaries and their wants, and needs evolved because again, like we said, resentment can be a one-way street. It can be a two-way street. It can come from the beginning of the relationship. It can enter into the relationship after it's been going along successfully for a while.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Resentment is just one of those things, and that's again why I say it's cancer. It could be in the cells, and there's some sort of environmental influence that makes it rear its ugly head.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Or it could be, it's not in the cells, but some outside environmental influence brings it in to the relationship.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Infidelity is a perfect example of that.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Or financial irresponsibility is another example of that. It may not have existed prior to the relationship beginning, but then as the relationship's been going on for a while, one member of the relationship behaves in an irresponsible and hurtful manner.
Lis:
Sure.
Marlee:
And as a result, this outside influence creates the resentment. Resentment though, is something that I think a lot of people don't even realize that it's happening in the relationship. They enter into a pattern of sort of giving in or giving up, or being taken for granted without ever really understanding the magnitude of their own decisions or how their partner's behavior is impacting them in the relationship.
Lis:
Well, and then you start holding a grudge.
Marlee:
That's right. And you need to own it. You need to take personal responsibility.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
You need to recognize that you might have some part in the resentment becoming a part of your relationship.
Lis:
Investigate your role.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Understand what you're contributing to your resentment.
That's right.
Now listen, there's always going to be the opportunity to blame your partner.
Lis:
I mean, trust me. Like hand up right here.
Marlee:
Yeah. Hand up here too. Exactly. So I'm not telling you that this is all a you problem. What I'm telling you though is that resentment really does come in through every little way that it can into the relationship. It comes through the window, through the door, through the chimney, through the furnace, whatever it comes into, like your little relationship household, so to speak. And it can come from you. It can come from outside sources, it can come from your partner.
It can come in ways you never even expect it.
Lis:
And I think that there's so many different levels of it too, right?
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
When you're looking at it, and we're giving some of these examples, I mean, some of them seem so big and some of them seem more of like a minor infraction, but I think what's really important is it doesn't even matter the level, but it matters the fact that once resentment kind of takes hold and begins to fester and grow, it can be like a slow-moving train to just ruin your relationship.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
Regardless of the size of the infraction, of the resentment.
Marlee:
Absolutely, even if you think you've resolved an issue that had created resentment. The moment that issue happens again, the resentment will come back twice as bad. Like you said, like a freight train coming down those tracks and like you're tied to it and you can't get up.
I mean, it's going to like smack you. And so, it is very important to get a hold of resentment. Okay. So how do you do that? Well, guess what? You figure out what your relationship resentment triggers are. You’ve got to be able to identify them. So some examples I think of big ones that people don't necessarily think about.
Family members, in-laws. Hello mother-in-law. Yes, I know I have an issue. Infidelity, money issues, division of labor of housework and other things that, you know, a couple needs to take care of if there are children or pets. Child or pet care.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Even physical or mental illness.
Lis:
Huh, yeah, okay.
Marlee:
These are resentment triggers that a lot of people don't recognize, and it's something that can happen at the beginning of the relationship, or it's something that can happen later on in the relationship because maybe mental illness wasn't identified.
Lis:
Right. Things like evolve over time.
Marlee:
That's right. Or somebody was perfectly physically healthy when the relationship started, but ended up in an accident and now they suffer from chronic pain. And therefore, they can no longer engage in the same activities they used to.
Lis:
Sure.
Marlee:
And then the partner becomes resentful over that.
Resentment can come in all different forms and you need to think about it. An imbalance of power. That's a huge one.
Lis:
That's a big one.
Marlee:
And again, it's not just the person who feels like they're in the weaker position. The person in the position of strength can also feel resentment because they are burdened with being the one always making the decisions.
Always driving the bus. So to speak.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
I mean, listen Lis, I'm going to tell you the number one client for a dominatrix is a dude in a powerful position.
Lis:
Huh?
Marlee:
Yeah. People who tend to make a lot of decisions get tired of it. They get tired of being the one that has to carry that burden. Because it is a burden and they then want somebody to tell them what to do.
Lis:
Interesting.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
I would have assumed the other way around.
Marlee:
Exactly. But the fact is, that's what I mean. Resentment can come in from all different perspectives. It's not just one perspective. Another common one is lack of privacy. Lack of free time, lack of alone time. Somebody thinks, well, how will resentment set in? But I’m telling you…
Lis:
Oh no, that's a big one for me actually. I definitely feel that and I'm so glad you made that point because…Yeah, you know what? Like I crave alone time and I crave that. And you don't get enough of it. When you don't get enough of something that you need. It's easy to let things creep in.
Marlee:
That's right. I'll tell you another one. Resentment can come from past trauma.
Lis:
Ooh. Yeah.
Marlee:
And a lot of people do not even realize that.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
Because they are resentful of their partner and they're angry, but the fact is it wasn't their partner that is feeding the resentment. It is something from their past.
I'll give you a perfect example of that.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
When somebody has an unhealthy relationship with their parent. Maybe there's a narcissistic element to their parent. Their parent puts out very unrealistic expectations. Their parent expects them to make the parent the priority, and you as the adult child are making your partner a priority.
Lis:
Sure.
Marlee:
Which you should.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Because your partner and your children should be a bigger priority than your mother or father. But what ends up happening is you feel this conflict without even recognizing that it's the parent that's creating this resentment in you, but you're feeling resentful towards your partner because it's easier to resent them.
They're the safer person to have that anger towards. Does that make sense?
Lis:
It does. I've never really looked at it from that perspective before though. Yeah.
Marlee:
Yeah. Another example of a past trauma is somebody in your prior relationships cheated on you. Or was physically abusive. And even though your partner is not doing any of those things, anything that they do or say that just slightly triggers you.
And then the resentment builds in because you're feeling these triggers. You're feeling awful when in fact, your partner's not being abusive to you or your partner didn't do anything but the trigger. Like maybe let's say that your ex-partner used a certain cologne whenever they were going to go out, and you ended up realizing that that was the cologne they used when they were going to go cheat.
But that triggers a memory in you, and then your partner ends up buying the same cologne even though they had no idea. They didn't mean to trigger you, but you smell it.
Lis:
Man, you did it.
Marlee:
Something as simple as that and all of a sudden, you're feeling resentful towards them and accusing them.
Lis:
More of like projection, right?
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
You're projecting your feelings. They haven't done anything.
Marlee:
They haven't done anything. Okay. So there are definitely these situations, but I will tell you there is a way to counter resentment.
Lis:
Ooh, tell me how.
Marlee:
Are you ready?
Lis:
Yes, I'm ready for it. I am ready for it.
Marlee:
It's called empathy.
Lis:
Oh,wow.
Marlee:
It is why you and I in a prior podcast had said that empathy is relationship tonic.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
The fact is, is that if you can place yourself in your partner's position, you will probably be able to address what is making them feel resentful. Maybe you wouldn't see it as a resentment trigger, but if you actually hear them and you listen to their position, you might be able to address it in a way that can resolve a lot.
That's number one.
Lis:
Yeah, I love that.
Marlee:
Number two, it can often act as a preventative medicine. Because you know what behaviors not to do or things not to say you can prevent things from happening that you know would probably trigger resentment. If, for example, what you said, you don't get enough alone time.
If you make your partner aware and they're like, damn, you know what? She doesn't get enough alone time. Let me make sure that every Saturday I take the kids and the dog out of the house for three hours.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Just so that she has that alone time. You know what I mean? You can absolutely do things that not only strengthen your relationship, but eliminate resentment.
Yeah.
Marlee:
So empathy is huge.
Lis:
Yeah. Great point.
Marlee:
People need to understand that because resentment is so difficult to erase if you are not practicing empathy. It's like you said, it leaves a scar.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And it then changes the trajectory of the relationship. It just does, everything is looked at with a sort of colored lens.
And I'll tell you something else. When resentment is dismissed…
Lis:
Ooh.
Marlee:
Is seen as something that isn't a big deal.
Lis:
Or you're told that it's not a big deal.
Marlee:
Or you're told and you're not validated.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It just magnifies the power of that resentment. So if somebody tells you they're resenting something, do not dismiss them.
Listen. Practice empathy. Really think about what they're saying. Be self-aware. Take personal responsibility.
Lis:
Try to put yourself in their shoes.
Marlee:
Try to, because if you do, you will end up being able to weather the storm. If you do not, resentment will kill your relationship.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues and romantic relationships. Today's topic, When Your Partner Makes You the Bad Guy to Save Face. Absolutely experienced this because I am a person who is outspoken and who does not like getting taken advantage of.
So if you don't mind…
Lis:
Please take the stage Miss Marlee.
Marlee:
Thank you, Miss Marlee would like to vent. First of all, it is inappropriate and disrespectful.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It is a sign of weakness.
Lis:
Oh yeah.
Marlee:
And it is pathetic. It violates your boundary.
Lis:
Sure does.
Marlee:
It is manipulative. It is passive aggressive behavior that will create instant resentment in your partner.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It is an underhanded way to let someone else fight your battles for you?
Lis:
Ooh. Yes. That one.
Marlee:
It is a sign that the person has zero respect for their partner.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It is abusive and it is a huge red flag.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It causes resentment and anger in the partner. It erodes the relationship between the partner and the family member or coworker.
Lis:
Yeah, sure does.
Marlee:
Like instantly.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And it will always come back to bite the person in the ass because if they can't stand up to these individuals…
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
And they need their partner to do it. Their partner will not always be around.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Those are mine.
Lis:
Your like blood is boiling right now.
Marlee:
Yeah, I know. I mean, listen, I’ve got to vent. I would like to hear yours.
Lis:
You’ve got to, I love it. So I have on my little list over here, the idea to love and stay loyal to family members can be huge, but love and loyalty are two separate things and they don't always belong together.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
People that allow others to take advantage of them, have not set clear boundaries and are most likely not ready for a healthy relationship.
Marlee:
Say it's sister.
Lis:
They have a lack of respect for themselves.
Marlee:
Yep.
Lis:
It's a huge sign of weakness in their relationship that they need somebody else to stand up for them.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And being thrown under the bus by someone you love never occurs without a witness.
Marlee:
That's right. Thank you.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Somebody's always there watching it. So somebody else is going to be looking at your relationship and judging you.
Like, why couldn't you stand up for yourself if this meant that much to you?
Marlee:
Oh, I can't even tell you how many tire tracks I had on my back, you know, or my front, whatever.
Lis:
Bus backing up. Beep, beep, beep.
Marlee:
Yes, seriously.
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.Romancipation.com.
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