Relationship Mining: Uncovering Diamonds in the Rough

00:00 

Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve. 

00:30 

It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated. 

Marlee:

Today's topic is Relationship mining: Uncovering Diamonds in the Rough. 

Lis:

Oh girl, I know this is going to be a good one for you. You love your diamonds. 

Marlee:

Oh, I do. I do love me Sparkles. So, this is a really personal one for me because I have done this time and time again.

00:55

Lis:

Yeah? 

Marlee:

Yes. 

Lis:

Tell me. 

Marlee:

Okay. Yeah, with so many of my relationships.  This is where I give myself credit here, let me break my arm patting myself on the back.  I have always taken the attitude that you can look for that shiny perfect, expensive looking, desirable diamond.

01:22

Lis:

Mm-hmm. 

Marlee:

That everybody else is coveting. 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

I'm using the analogy. 

Lis:

Yep. Got it. 

Marlee:

But I have always taken the attitude of, you know what? I would rather find a diamond in the rough. I would rather find that person who has incredible qualities. But maybe they're a little hidden, maybe they're not as open, they're not as willing to sort of let people see what they're really about, and sometimes even maybe physically they're not as shined up or as attractive as they could be. 

01:59 

Maybe because they don't have the right haircut or, the wrong facial hair or the wrong clothing, or, maybe they're a little out of shape, whatever it may be. But I think that a lot of people get overlooked. 

Lis:

Yeah. That's totally true. 

Marlee:

Individuals who could absolutely be incredible partners.

02:20

Lis:

Mm-hmm.  

Marlee:

And that's what I'm talking. When I say diamonds in the rough.

Lis:

Well, it sounds to me like you're an expert miner right now. 

Marlee:

Thank you. I am. Move over DeBeers. Here we go. Let Marlee do some mining. No, I mean, listen, I think that there's a lot of people that will even see another individual's great qualities. 

02:45 

But for whatever reason, usually a ridiculous reason, they will reject that person as a potential partner or mate because they're looking for the already cleaned up version. I think sometimes they just get these mental blocks. 

Lis:

Mm-hmm. 

Marlee:

Like they just think this person is too shy. 

03:07

Or this person doesn't share the same interests as me, or this person, you know, maybe it's a physical thing. Right? You know that they don't find attractive. But the fact is, until you actually begin removing the layers, you know, sort of brushing off the dirt, take it, holding it up to the magnifying glass and kind of looking a little deeper.

03:24

Lis:

Marlee's the expert.

Marlee:

The loop, not the magnifying glass, the loop, but you know, until you start really looking you're going to potentially miss a really valuable gem of a person. I mean, look, I started as early as high school.  I've been mining a long time. Let me give you an example. 

03:42 

So my serious boyfriend in high school, he was that boy. He was a little artsy. He didn't have the best haircut. He had sort of kind of nerdy glasses. He was quiet, you know, people kind of knew him, but they didn't really know much about him. And I ended up being in a class with him and we ended up partnering up and as we were working on a project together, I started to see like a really witty sense of humor.  

04:14 

There was a thoughtfulness to him. There was sort of naughty little twinkle in his eyes, do you know what I mean? I started to realize like, wow, this guy has a lot of potential. And as the year ended, it was funny because this is the eighties and the movie Can't Buy Me Love had had taken place already. I kind of thought to myself, you know what? I'm going to Can't Buy Me Love this guy, and I didn't do it for me. But just, I saw him as sort of a friend that I wanted to help him improve, you know? 

Lis:

Okay, so you guys are friends at this point. Got it. 

Marlee:

Yeah, we're friends.  I wanted to help him with how to be more comfortable around girls kind of thing. 

04:51

And I took him to the mall, got his hair cut, got him new glasses, got him cool clothes, got him a biker jacket. Hello. Eighties. 

Lis:

I love that. 

Marlee:

Thank you. Hot eighties. You know, Ray-bans, you know, I really kind of gussied him up. 

05:10

I taught him how to dance. I got him comfortable. I'd introduce him to some of my friends, got him more comfortable interacting with groups of girls. He just really started to come out of his shell and he really started to shine. I remember the beginning of school year, that September, we had a class together and at this point we had started dating. 

05:35 

And I sat down and all the cool girls, were, you know, he sat next to me and they were just like, oh my God, oh my God, who is that? Who's that hot guy? And as it started to dawn on them that, wait a second, this was not a new kid in school. This was a guy that had existed that they just kind of overlooked. 

05:56 

And I remember they were all talking about it and I didn't let anybody know that we were dating and they're just like, oh my God, Marlee, do you see him? Oh my God. Like what's his deal? What's his deal? He's so hot. And he gets up and he walks over and he kisses me and he says, Hey, I'll see you at lunch. 

06:12 

They're just like, oh my God. And I was just like, that's right, ladies. That's right. I saw him first. But not only did I help him with the sort of physical aspect, but you know, he was very charming and he was very thoughtful and he was very, considerate. And he was kind. And like I said, he had this great sense of humor. 

06:30 

And as he became more comfortable and more confident, you saw these wonderful qualities. 

Lis:

Well, I was going to say, you almost gave him a platform to blossom. 

Marlee:

Yes, thank you. 

Lis:

Yes. To kind of come out of his shell.  I mean, listen, high school, college, those are such awkward years anyway, and I feel as though that so many people get pigeonholed into a specific, you know, type set or group and not all of their best qualities get to shine. 

06:57

And so, you almost gave him the perfect position to come out of his shell and show off all of these amazing things that you saw on him. 

Marlee:

Thank you. Exactly. Yeah. And that is a perfect example of the diamond in the rough. And you know what, not always do you end up staying with the diamond in the rough, but I think that when you help somebody, develop and evolve and you know, shine it then has a great impact on you. 

07:31 

I think they often then return the favor in ways that you might not even realize until later on. And for me, I know that while my intentions in the beginning and sort of like polishing 'em up, right. Not so much for my benefit, right. But it was maybe a little bit of an ego trip.

07:54

You know, that I could take this guy who maybe wasn't as noticed to being somebody really noticed. But what ended up happening is by me bringing that out in him, it ended up benefiting me and that I ended up getting a really great high school boyfriend. You know what I mean? 

Lis: 

Yep. 

Marlee:

And, he made my life better and he brought out qualities in me. 8:16 So it became a very mutually beneficial relationship. And I guess that's one of the points, you know, and I kind of want to hit on what you were talking about with when people are younger and they kind of get pigeonholed. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

Or you know, that's the jock and he's hot and that's the nerd, or that's the prom queen and it's so unfair most of the time. 

08:33 

Lis:

Absolutely. And so many times people do get overlooked. Well, they get overlooked and they start to fall into those personality traits, even though that might not even be who they really are. 

Marlee:

Yeah. No, I agree. And this is this whole concept of, you know, the rise of the nerd. Right. You know? 

Lis:

Yeah. Oh yeah.

8:50

Marlee:

It’s important that, that don't ignore or dismiss a person because they don't have that shiny quality. You know what I mean? Whether it's physical or even if it's social interactions.  Everybody evolves. Everybody matures. And as people become intellectually developed. As they become more mature, more comfortable in their own skin, you can start to see some really fabulous people. 

09:16 

So I think there's that element of the diamond mining. 

Lis:

Yeah. So to speak. 

Marlee:

Another one that I have experienced, is I have been with men who absolutely were amazing. They had great qualities, but they were lacking in maybe education, maybe motivation. Okay. 

Lis:

Ambition?

9:47

Marlee:

Ambition, yeah, sure. Thank you. I absolutely tried to work with them and let them see that there were a lot of other opportunities that they could pursue.  I happen to be a person where I was looking for an individual who is educated. In retrospect, I do recognize that there's lots of different types of intelligence out there.

10:14

Lis:

Sure. 

Marlee:

And you can have a great pedigree, but be a moron. 

Lis:

Yeah. Yeah. 

Marlee:

And you can see that play out. And you can have no formal education and be a really competent, really interesting and successful individual.  So, for me it's not just the physical changes or seeing aspects of people's personality, it's also even helping them develop in other ways in terms of economic success. 

10:45 

Lis:

Or reaching their full potential. 

Marlee:

Yes. Reaching their full potential. Yeah. I mean, have you experienced something like this? 

Lis:

You know, I'm not so much of a minor, although I will say that probably like my later college to like early dating years in my twenties. I can definitely remember times where you could see the influence of other women on the partner that I was dating at the time.

11:13

Marlee:

Good or bad? 

Lis:

Sometimes both. I mean, it, it's not always good, but I could see it come through in different ways where, you know. I would know either I had met an ex-partner or a girlfriend and you know, I could definitely see how her influence had kind of molded him a little bit into the person that he was from that relationship, which, for the most part, I actually appreciated it. 

11:39

Because listen, I mean we all are a product of our past and we all have past histories, and being able to take something away from a relationship I think is super important. And when those qualities that you're taking away, like ambition or being genuine and being able to like, you know, be your happiest self, like I think that's awesome. 

12:04 

So I mean, I definitely saw that I'm not so much of a minor. I'm usually more going after the completed project. 

Marlee:

So I mine them. You wear them. 

Lis:

I'm wearing all of Marlee's most fabulous diamonds. 

Marlee:

This does not mean she's with any of my exes. Let's make that very clear. 

Lis:

No, I mean, look, I do think that, like you said, if you give the person the right opportunity, the right environment yeah, to shine, it is wonderful for them.

12:35

Marlee: 

It can also be really wonderful for you now. I will make a very important clarification because I do think this is important. Mining a diamond in the rough is very different than fixing a broken toy. 

Lis:

Oh, yeah. 

Marlee:

Because a broken toy is either broken or you perceive them as being broken and you're trying to change them. 

12:58 And that is never a good idea. Looking for diamonds in the rough. These individuals already exist. The qualities already exist. You are just polishing them up. You're just allowing them to sort of come to the light. 

Lis:

Yes. Right. Yeah. You see something great in them. 

Marlee:

Exactly. That they're not necessarily putting forth to the rest of the world. 

13:21 

And you know, I do think that a lot of people are starting to recognize physical attraction, while it's really important, it is not as important as being with a really decent individual or a person that's a good match for you and your personality. And I think Covid did that for a lot of people. 

Lis:

I was going to say, I wish that I had had that recognition and knowledge back in my earlier dating days because it probably would've stopped me from a lot of heartache and bad choices. 

14:00 

But I totally agree with you. I think, and as we get older too, I think that you realize. That physical outward appearance shifts and changes and ages, and yeah. You know, it's not necessarily the same thing that you were looking for and all of those interior qualities that you tended to overlook just because you were focused on the appearance piece of it, those are the things that really help to sustain a healthy relationship in the long run.

14:30

Marlee:

No, I agree. Now I'm ready to blow your mind. Are you ready? 

Lis:

Blow it. 

Marlee:

Okay. Again, personal experience. My current life partner, my husband, gorgeous diamond. Gorgeous diamond. A specimen. But I have to tell you, he was rough. He was rough when I first met him. Physically, beautiful, tall, strong, great looking. 

14:56 

Had an amazing personality, intelligence, sense of humor but it took a long time to uncover it. And the reason I'm mentioning this is because often people who do look like physically attractive, these shiny, beautiful diamonds, they are often valued on such a superficial level that those individuals end up also potentially as diamonds in the rough. 

15:27

Listen, and I know that sounds almost counterintuitive, but it's true. And that's what I mean when I say we're not just talking about the physical. Because even really good looking people, have other qualities and characteristics they bring to the table that can be ignored because people are so zeroed in on their attractiveness. 

15:46 

And that's what happened to my husband. I think a lot of females were just so drawn to his physical nature that they didn't bother to dig deeper and see what an interesting, sensitive soul he was. But I, on the other hand, the expert minor, had the patience and the ability to actually say, wait a second. 

16:11 

Yeah, this, this looks really great, but I need more. 

Lis:

But I was going to say, you saw more in him. 

Marlee:

I did see more. Yeah. And that I think is huge. I don't think people recognize that you can be a diamond in the rough and look really polished, you know? Or they just don't have the patience. There's that too. 

16:32 

And on the flip side, I don't think it's only just mining for diamonds when you are looking for a partner. I think when you have a partner you can uncover aspects of their personality or of your relationship that you can polish up.  

Lis:

Okay. No, I like that. Yeah. I think that every time you give a partner an opportunity to shine, yeah.

17:05

Marlee:

Every time you highlight the positive things about them because we all have negatives. Right? 

Lis:

Oh sure. 

Marlee:

But every time you reinforce the strengths, every time you try and shore up the weakness in the relationship, I think it not only allows them to shine, it allows you to shine. And I think that it becomes very reciprocal in nature.

17:26

Lis:

Yeah. I think that that's the sign of a really good relationship when you kind of bear witness to somebody's great qualities that maybe not everybody else can see. And you give them the stage to then kind of flourish. 

Marlee:

Yes. Now, let me ask you this, because you've mentioned, you know, that you were the beneficiary of prior women's hard work. 

17:51

Lis:

That's right.

Marlee:

Do you think that there is ever an issue where you take a diamond in the rough, you polish 'em up, you get that cut color, clarity, everything up at the top of their game, and then they up and leave. 

Lis:

Oh, I'm sure that happens all the time. All of a sudden. I mean, In Can’t Buy me Love, 

18:13 

Patrick Dempsey then goes off and, and ditches her. So I mean… 

Marlee:

No, he doesn't. 

Lis:

Yes he does. 

Marlee:

No, he doesn't. 

Lis:

Yes he does. 

Marlee:

No, he doesn't. She ends up where she's on the back of his lawnmower.

Lis: 

Well at the end, but he ditches her for her friends. In the middle of the movie. 

Marlee:

Yes. Oh my gosh. 

Lis:

It's a re-watch. You need to re-watch.

18:33

Marlee:

Fine. I need to re-watch. But in any case, good point.  

Lis:

The point is, is that yes, you could spend any amount of time fixing somebody up and maybe they decide that all of a sudden their ambition level or their, you know, whatever, takes them in a different direction. 

Marlee:

Yeah. 

18:51 

But that would really suck, all that time and investment. Yeah. Okay. But you know what I mean? Okay. But I'm going to turn a negative into a positive here. Okay? Because I'm going to say, ladies and gentlemen, if you are a diamond miner like me, listen to Ms. Marlee here, even if the relationship doesn't last, okay? You are doing a service to humankind, by sending out a more valuable person into the dating pool. Can we say that? 

19:20

Lis:

Yes. And I think that they feel probably in a better light as well. Like, I mean, you know they're going to give back. Think about the things you taught them as well. That's right. It wasn't necessarily just like, Brush your teeth and put on deodorant. 

19:37 

We're talking you've now kind of brought to light these great qualities that they have. You've put your mark on them. 

Marlee:

There you go. So, for all of you who have ever taken a diamond in the rough and then he or she, after they've been improved upon, all right or discovered, take off and dump you, I want you to remember that you made them. 

20:00

All right? So, so they owe you, they owe you. Never forget that. But also remember, diamonds in the rough. Go mining. 

Lis:

Dig deep.  

It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.

Marlee:

It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships.

20:24

Lis:

I feel like we have so many things to vent about. 

Marlee:

Yeah, we do. All right. I know this is a good topic today. When Your Partner Wants a Medal or Praise for the Things They Should Be Doing. 

Lis:

Oh my gosh. Can I start? 

Marlee:

Please do. Please do. 

Lis:

I'm going to start by giving the slow clap because Ooh, that's my favorite thing to do when somebody is meeting an expectation.

20:51 

Okay. I can't wait to hear your list. All right. Whose job is it anyway? If you make a mess, clean it up. If you make garbage, take it out. The first five letters in the word equality spell equal. Oh, it's not only a woman's job to cook, clean, do laundry and take care of the kids. Yes. Oh, and on that note, watching your children is not babysitting.

21:19

Marlee:

Oh my gosh. It is not. It is not. 

Lis:

All right, Marlee, what do you got? 

Marlee:

Oh, okay. So my list is a little different, but I really liked yours. All right, so here we go. It highlights that there's a power imbalance in the relationship. 

Lis:

Sure does. 

Marlee:

It is frustrating. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

It makes you feel like a parent instead of a partner.

21:39

Lis:

Oh, yep. 

Marlee:

You feel taken for granted by your partner. 

Lis:

Always. 

Marlee:

You feel underappreciated by your partner. It's disruptive to the relationship dynamic. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

It makes you feel resentful towards your partner. It makes you question your choice in partners. 

Lis:

Oh my god, it does. 

Marlee:

It's immature on the part of your partner.

22:04

Lis:

Yes. I need a cookie.

Marlee:

It makes you do tasks on your own that should be shared because you want to avoid having to reward someone for living up to their responsibilities.

Lis:

Or redoing it because they didn't do it to your level of expectation. Absolutely. All right. I hope people were listening, particularly our husbands, but yeah, that was a good one, okay.

22:31

Marlee:

I feel good about this one. 

Lis:

I do too. 

Marlee: 

All right.

Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show and a recap of today's podcast or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released. 

22:56 

Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook if you're enjoying the. Please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify reviews. Let Apple know that great listeners like you enjoy our show and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again and stay Romancipated.