S5 Episode 6: Relationship Endgame: Companion, Partner or Caregiver
Episode Summary
Romantic relationships are as varied as the people in them. People come together for a plethora of reasons: companionship, because they are looking for a life partner, or because they want someone to take care of them. While there is no right or wrong type of relationship, you should be honest about what you are really looking for from another person.
Every type of relationship has the potential to evolve or devolve from the original understanding, so be aware of the potential for hurt feelings. With each relationship, your romantic wants and needs become more refined. Make sure to clearly communicate and be open to the possibility that your current partner may not be willing or able to meet your expectations.
Understanding your relationship endgame will help you avoid entering into relationships that are a mismatch for the future you envision. For a relationship to be successful, each party needs to be on the same page. Moreover, it is a mistake to stay in a relationship that is unsatisfactory, just because it fits your endgame.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss when your partner treats the relationship like a competition.
Show Notes
Thinking long term, are you looking for companionship, partnership, or a caregiver? Companionship is having a person to share things with—like experiences and intimacy—without the commitment of the relationship. Partnerships are a committed relationship. A lot of people also look for someone who takes care of them in one way or another, financially for instance. This is the definition of a caregiver.
Each of these types of relationships is valid, so long as each person in the relationship is honest. Any of these has the potential to be healthy and successful for both people. The difference with a partnership is that compromise will be necessary, because both people need to have their needs met.
Any one of these relationship types can evolve—or devolve. For instance, a partnership can turn into a caregiver relationship. A companionship can turn into a partnership. It’s important to know what your endgame is, as well as the endgame of the other person involved. And remember that you shouldn’t hang your future on hope alone.
In some cases, shifting the dynamic of your relationship is the healthier option. For instance, if your relationship isn’t working and you decide to stay together for the kids. Some couples will cohabitate as companions—and that’s perfectly okay if they can do it in a healthy way.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When your partner treats the relationship like a competition with you. When your partner is always competing with you, they are constantly trying to outdo you. They try to make you jealous, while often they are the ones themselves who are jealous. It makes it difficult to work together towards a common goal.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it? This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
On today's episode, Relationship Endgame: Companionship, Partner or Caregiver.
Lis:
Okay. I'm like, I'm so curious as to like your thoughts on this topic.
Marlee:
Oh, of course you are.
Lis:
I really am.
Marlee:
So, it's interesting because I think that there are a lot of people who think about these concepts when they are younger and they're just starting to date, and they initially think they're looking for a partner.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
But often they're not. So I'll kind of break down how I define each one.
Lis:
Yeah. Okay.
Marlee:
So companionship is when you're looking for a person who You can share things, you can have sex with them. You can go to movie with them, you can have dinner with them. You know, you're kind of there for each other, but you're not in a committed relationship.
Lis:
Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yep.
Marlee:
A partnership is some sort of form of a committed relationship. You're looking for this to grow and develop into something.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
A caregiver is unfortunately what I think a lot of people who are looking for partnerships end up in. A caregiver can be anything from your sugar daddy type of arrangement.
Lis:
Ah, okay.
Marlee:
Where it's a financial situation where one person is maybe providing economic security to a person who really is looking for a basically built-in caregiver they don’t have to pay.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Like they want a person who's going to nurture them, feed them, clean for them, care for their children. They're looking for a caregiver. They're really not looking for a partner or equal. They're looking for somebody who is going to take care of them.
Lis:
Like fill a void.
Marlee:
Yeah. Or take care of them. So I'm not telling you that I'm going to judge any one of these things because I think each of these types of relationships can have a place. And I think that as long as two people are honest about what the relationship end game is…
Lis:
Sure.
Marlee:
What they're actually looking for, I don't have a problem with it. I've said in prior podcasts, contractual relationships can sometimes be very, healthy…
Lis:
And successful.
Marlee:
And successful.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
You want something from this person. This person wants something from you, and as long as you both are willing to acknowledge it and give it, and you derive satisfaction from it, it can be a perfectly satisfying relationship. Not something you or I would want, but for other people, that's what they need or that's what they want.
Companionship. I think all of us want a companion. I think a lot of people don't want to feel lonely, but I think that there's a difference between spending time with somebody and sharing certain aspects of your romantic self, but without having to compromise. Right? And I think that's a big difference between companionship and a partner.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Partnership you both have to compromise.
Lis:
Right. Right, exactly.
Marlee:
Because you have to both be willing to really understand each other's needs and wants holistically.
Lis:
Well, and a partner is like an equal, right?
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
And when you look at it even from other aspects of life. Yeah. A partner is something that, it's a 50/50, which I know obviously, like we've talked about in the past it’s not always 50/50.
Marlee:
Well, you hope it is but you try to get as close to it.
Lis:
You try to get as close to it as possible. I'm so glad that you kind of defined that and, and walked me through that a little bit because, you know, my head immediately went when I was looking at this topic to different stages of your life.
Marlee:
Well exactly.
Lis:
And how a partnership even evolves into some of these different types of relationships over the course of maybe you started off in a partnership and it's eventually evolved into a different type of relationship.
Marlee:
And I'm so glad you said that because any one of these relationship types can either evolve or devolve.
Lis:
Yeah. Yeah.
Marlee:
Depending, right?
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
There are relationships that start off where somebody thinks they're a partnership, but it ends up one person recognizes they're really just a caregiver.
Lis:
Right, exactly.
Marlee:
There's not a partnership. Right? There's no reciprocity. And there are other people who start off looking for just a companion. But they end up clicking on so many levels that that companionship ends up becoming much deeper, much more serious than they end up into a partnership.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Right?
Lis:
Yes, exactly. Exactly.
Marlee:
There are other people who after a long time together, they realize they're no longer really partners. They're just companions.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Yeah, I know exactly.
Lis:
That's where my head was definitely going. I was like, well, you can kind of be all of these different things at different points of your life.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
I feel like you've seen different stages of, because obviously, relationships evolve. It's not…
Marlee:
They do, but this is why I think it's so important to practice that self-awareness that you and I are always preaching.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Because you need to be able to understand the end game that you want.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
You need to understand the end game the other person wants and listen, you can hope. Remember, that's a four-letter word. We don't like hope.
Lis:
Oh, that hope. Yes.
Marlee:
But you can hope that if you start off as companions, it might evolve into a partnership. But I wouldn't bet the farm on that.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
Instead, I would make sure that the person that I am starting this relationship with is open to something evolving, because there might be a person who says, listen, these are my boundaries. I'm looking for a person to sleep with and travel with and occasionally take to like an event. Right. And that's it. I'm not looking for a person that expects me to talk to them every day. I'm not looking for a person that wants me to be their emotional support system if they're having like a rough day at work.
Lis:
Right. That commitment level is not going to live up to what their expectations or needs are.
Marlee:
That’s right. I'm not looking to support somebody financially.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Or to give somebody a child.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
So these are all things that you need to consider at every stage. Whether you are starting a relationship, you are in the middle of your relationship and maybe you recognize, you know what? I don’t want to end this relationship. I like certain aspects of it, but maybe you redefine the parameters.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Maybe you both decide that, you know what? We're not really partners anymore, so let's not share the financial burden. Let's have separate accounts, but let's be companions.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And share household expenses almost like we're renters even though we're technically married.
Lis:
Well, and I was going to say, you actually do hear of that like quite often, and I would say probably even more so now than back when I was growing up. I feel like you hear of so many relationships, especially when children are involved.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
I would say that that's probably a little bit more common.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Where people realize that they're no longer right for each other in terms of a partnership. But in order to not have to break up the family unit, or I feel like they've found really healthy ways to cohabitate or coexist so that because, and I'm going to like preface this by saying a lot of times people end up staying in very unhealthy relationships because they feel like they're trying to protect their children or protect whatever this unit is that they have, and being able to kind of take a step back and reevaluate what type of relationship you're in. And shifting it to another dynamic is actually healthier for the children because they're no longer having to deal with the stressful situation that's probably at home that you're not even realizing you're presenting.
Marlee:
No, I agree. For all of the friends that I've spoken to who have been in a serious, committed relationship. A long-term one, and it's broken up. Whether they were living together, they were married and they got divorced.I will often have this conversation with both men and women and what they defined as a partnership when they were in their twenties or thirties.
Is very different than what they're actually looking for now that they are maybe in their forties or their fifties and they already have their home, their children, their career. They think that they're looking for another partner. But I have found that when I ask them questions, yeah, like tell me what exactly your expectations are, what you're looking for. Their ideal is the partner. But then when they start describing what they want, what their wants and needs are, it really falls into either companion or caregiver.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
It rarely falls into partner.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Because they kind of want to have their cake and eat it too.
Lis:
That's right. Their checklist has changed.
Marlee:
That's right. Yes. Their checklist has changed, and I think for a lot of people who are re-entering into the dating world, so to speak, after a long-term relationship or especially relationship that created children.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
A lot of people need to be more thoughtful about what they expect from another person.
Lis:
Well, what they expect, but also then what they're going to give.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
When we're talking about partnerships and kind of starting out in partnerships, I think as they dissolve.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Because a lot of times they shift into these other relationships, even unknowingly, right?
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
You know, it starts off like everything is wonderful and life happens and you start to kind of dissolve into either a caregiver or into having it become more of a companionship type of relationship. And I think those are a little bit trickier because you went into it with the expectations. But again, what are your needs out of the relationships because they do shift over time, like you said. So whether or not you've gotten out of relationship or you're still in your current relationship and your needs have shifted, do they still match up together?
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
That's really what's important and that's what you said.
Marlee:
So yeah, it's, it's important for people to understand that a person who's looking for a partner, right? They're looking for a committed relationship. They're looking for something where two people can build a life together, share a living space. They usually want a financial commingling. They want to share every aspect of their life. And this can happen at any life stage.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
But the more baggage you bring, so to speak, in terms of like your own home or your children. It's kind of hard when you have two people that both have sets of children and homes when you start trying to merge those two. And I'm sure a lot of people have either heard or experienced the second family step-family.
Lis:
The dynamic is very challenging.
Marlee:
The dynamic can be incredibly challenging and can get very, very tricky, very, very quickly.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And I'm not saying it's not doable, I'm saying that you really need to be on the same page to be able to make it work successfully. But the truth is, I don't think a lot of people are actually looking for that in a later stage of life.
Lis:
I agree. I do agree.
Marlee:
I do think that usually men are looking for a caregiver.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
That's the truth. I think most men who have already been in long-term serious relationships. They want to be taken care of.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And they want to be taken care of for free. You know, it's an unpaid position. No, I'm being serious. Right. I mean they…
Lis:
There's no side hustle.
Marlee:
No. And listen, and it's the same for women though. Women also, they're looking for somebody to kind of take care of them.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Usually for women, they're looking for somebody to financially take care of them and their children.
Lis:
Sure, sure.
Marlee:
And for men in the caregiver situation, they're usually looking for somebody to give them physical support, emotional support. Usually if they have children, helping to raise their children, and they usually want somebody who's going to take care of them as they age.
Lis:
Yeah. And that's exactly…
Marlee:
Seriously.
Lis:
100%. Yeah.
Marlee:
And I think for a lot of women that are at that later stage, they say they want companionship. They say they just want, that person they can just spend time with, go on a date, go to a little vacation. But the fact is they want so much more emotionally, I believe, than what a companion gives. Now, I think that there are also a lot of males that fall into the companionship category.
Lis:
I do too.
Marlee:
In other words, they want sex, they want food.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
They don't want to eat alone and they don't want to necessarily travel alone.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
But other than that, they don't want to meet your emotional needs and they certainly don't want to take care of your kids or pay for you.
Lis:
Yeah. That's right.
Marlee:
Right?
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
So I think that males and females tend to have very different worldviews about this.
Lis:
I think so. But I mean, emotionally we're such different beings, right?
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And you know, as we're like kind of even talking through this, like even as a later stage person, like whether or not somebody's been widowed or divorced, I think women tend to naturally. They're caregivers naturally anyway, like not every woman, but I will say that I think a lot of women kind of thrive on feeling needed as well, because usually this is a point in time where if you have had children, they're probably out of the home, so they're not needed as much as maybe they once were and probably feel a little bit lost.
Marlee:
I think there are definitely women like that. I also think there are women though, who wake up and are sort of like, damn. I don't have to take care of anybody anymore.
Lis:
This feels good.
Marlee:
This is awesome.
Lis:
Maybe that was a very fifties. 1950s.
Marlee:
But no, listen. I do think that it really depends on the personality.
Lis:
It does.
Marlee:
So I think saying just males and females is a little over generalized, but I do believe that the way we are raised in society, the expectations that are put onto us and what we are taught we should expect from a partner, I think does differ.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
In terms of from the male perspective versus the female perspective, I think it's changing a bit. Not as quickly as I'd like to see it change. But I do think that you have these different perspectives, and again, the relationship endgame, it's a very personal decision.
Lis:
It is.
Marlee:
But you've got to be clear with what you want before you can even begin to ask for something from another person. So really ask yourself, am I looking for a companion? Am I looking for life partner or am I looking for a caregiver? Because that will help inform your decisions as to whether or not you've met a person that is going to end up meeting your wants and needs.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships.
Today's topic, When Your Partner Treats the Relationship like a Competition with You.
Lis:
Oh, you know, I'm a competitive person.
Marlee:
I know you are, so I want to hear your take on this.
Lis:
All right. Well, I don't know that I compete in this way, but I did start to think about different things your partner needs to win and keep score like it's a sporting event. Do they keep score at how many times they've done something like, well, I did the dishes five times this week, or I took out the garbage seven. It all of a sudden becomes, everything becomes a competition. They belittle your success because it makes them feel insecure.
Marlee:
Yes
Lis:
Your partner tries to outdo you with gifts.
Marlee:
Ooh.
Lis:
Like one ups you. They try to make you jealous. Red flag, by the way, to get your attention.
Marlee:
Oh.
Lis:
They gloat at your failures rather than trying to lift you up.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Which is obviously not a healthy thing. A healthy, happy relationship is when two people are united front and a team. When one of them succeeds, the other is happy and supportive. That's the way it should look. Life is not a competition with your partner.
Marlee:
Absolutely. No, those are great. Okay, so mine, I sort of piggybacking a little bit off what you said. I said a relationship takes people working together as a team. The idea that your teammate is in competition with you is strange and never a good sign.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
When a partner's always trying to one up the other partner, it feels very disrespectful and demeaning.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It stops intimacy from forming because there's no sense of support from your partner.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
When you're in competition for children's affection, financial success, professional accolades with your partner, it's demeaning to the person who feels like the loser.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Cause let's face it, not everybody's always going to be the kid's favorite and not everybody is going to…
Lis:
Not everybody gets a trophy, Marlee.
Marlee:
That's right. But you're right. I mean, different people have different types of jobs that can be very rewarding, but that doesn't mean they get paid a lot.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
You know what I mean?
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
Even though they've done really important things.
Lis:
You're right.
Marlee:
It's also very difficult to work together towards a mutual goal if there's always a competition between the two partners.
Lis:
Ooh, great point.
Marlee:
It's a very immature way to approach a relationship. It prevents trust from forming because the two people are not acting as support systems for one another.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
It creates a toxic environment because no one wants to show vulnerability for fear of losing an advantage.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
It can create a manipulative situation as one person is trying to gain an advantage.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
If your communication and conflict style is based on winning, you'll always be a loser. You will never be able to understand or empathize with your partner's perspective, and you will be constantly banging heads. Nothing will get resolved in a way that is satisfactory to either person.
Lis:
Nope.
Marlee:
I think it's a huge red flag to be in competition with your life partner.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
I think two people like you had mentioned earlier, they need to work together and support one another, and I firmly believe any win that your partner has in a relationship, it's a win for you as well.
Lis:
Absolutely, and if it’s not...
Marlee:
Yeah, I mean, listen, if they get a raise, that's a benefit for your whole family.
Lis:
That's, right.
Marlee:
It's a win-win situation.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
If the person ends up like…
Lis:
Winning an award.
Marlee:
If people are helping out, like, I took out the garbage 10 times in the last month. Well, I did the dishes 10 times. It shouldn't be a competition. It should be like, wow, that's awesome. Great. We're keeping a clean kitchen.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
You know, we're working together.
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
So, yeah, absolutely think that treating your partner like they're your competition is a really bad idea.
Lis:
Super unhealthy.
Marlee:
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week to view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast or to learn more about us, visit www.Romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook.
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