S1 Episode 11: Relationship Dirty Laundry Should Stay in the Hamper
Episode Summary
We are all guilty of it! Airing complaints about our partner and our relationship to anyone who will listen. As satisfying as it may feel short-term, there could be serious consequences from your vent session.
By letting family and friends know intimate details about your partner (even the flattering ones) you can create discomfort, embarrassment, and a violation of boundaries and trust between you and your partner, or the people you shared with. Moreover, you open yourself up for judgment, criticism and potential backlash.
Airing relationship dirty laundry should be reserved for a therapist or trusted advisor, where you can expect confidentiality and advice. Put yourself in the place of your partner. Practice empathy and imagine how you would feel if your partner was sharing negative things about you, your habits or behaviors.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss when partners apply a double-standard between their family members and yours.
Show Notes
Have you been airing out your relationship dirty laundry? You should not be doing this—that information needs to stay in the hamper. That said, almost all of us are guilty of airing dirty laundry about our relationships to family, friends, or coworkers at least once, whether for venting or validation.
However, by sharing this information, you risk it making its way back to your partner. Plus, if you put yourself in the position of your partner, it probably wouldn’t feel very good knowing that conversation was had. What you say could also influence the people you’re telling negatively against your partner and may change the way they look at them. While you may be able to get over the situation, the person you shared this intimate information with may not.
When you air your dirty laundry, the people you tell aren’t usually getting the full story. Rather, they are getting your perception about what happened. You may realize later on that you contributed to the situation or just experienced a simple miscommunication.
You may also want to consider that airing your dirty laundry may make the person you’re telling uncomfortable. This could be because the topic itself makes them uncomfortable, or it could make them feel uncomfortable around your partner, or even both. There are just so many reasons to keep your relationship dirty laundry in the hamper.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When your partner applies a double-standard between their family member versus your family member. It’s unfair and creates animosity towards the favored family member. It reflects a power imbalance in the relationship and should not be tolerated.
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Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
Today's topic, Relationship Dirty Laundry Should Stay in the Hamper.
Lis:
Oh, it definitely should.
Marlee:
That stinky stuff needs to stay in the hamper. This is a really important thing that almost everybody's guilty of.
I know I certainly have been guilty of airing dirty laundry.
Lis:
I've fallen into the trap for sure.
Marlee:
Yeah. Airing dirty laundry about my relationships to family members, friends, coworkers, anybody who would listen. You get frustrated. You want to vent.
Lis:
Yeah. You're looking for validation.
Marlee:
Absolutely. You're looking for validation that you're right.
That they're wrong. At least that's what I used to do all the time. And I can tell you it's a bad idea. It's a bad idea because not only do you risk it potentially getting back to the partner who upset you, they might end up being angry, embarrassed, feel betrayed, which in fact they would be, frustrated.
And at the same time, you have to ask yourself, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot, if one of your intimate partners decided to reveal some fight you were having or some issue you guys were having in your relationship.
Lis:
Or something that you just do and it's like a habit, something embarrassing.
Marlee:
Or sexual dysfunction, I don’t know, something exactly.
I mean basically things that should really stay between the two partners.
Lis:
It's the trust circle.
Marlee:
The trust circle.
Lis:
You’ve got to have the trust circle.
Marlee:
So I mean, before I tell you sort of what I have guilty of, have you experienced this?
Lis:
I have, but it was more of a, a reality for me. It was back in high school and I will actually never forget this.
And it's one of the reasons that I think very carefully before I talk about any relationship that I'm in. I was in high school and I remember having this conversation, and actually it was part of a conversation between my mother and her mother and one of my mom's sisters was having some marital issues.
And any time that she could, she would talk very badly about her husband, to my grandmother, and to my mother. I remember sitting there and hearing them just say how they will never be able to look at him the same way.
Marlee:
Yes. That's a super important point.
Lis:
And this is, you know, a man that had been in our life for 20 some odd years and they had been married for a very long time, had kids.
And just the things that they were saying that they would never be able to not see in him again. It actually kind of broke my heart and I remember thinking, because you know, I thought so highly of him and I cared about him and, he's my uncle and we spent a lot of time together. So in any case, I walked away from that conversation knowing that anything that I put out there about my significant other is something that I may personally get over.
But that other people will never be able to un unhear or unsee.
Marlee:
That is such an important point. You are so right. Not only can it potentially hurt the feelings or anger your partner if they find out you have betrayed a trust. But like you said, the individuals that are hearing what you're saying, they themselves will change their perception of the person that can then alter relationships in a way that you can never get back.
Lis:
That’s right. One hundred percent.
Marlee:
That's another great reason why relationship dirty laundry should stay in the hamper when we're talking about perception and change perception. That's another thing that I think a lot of people need to recognize in the moment when you are frustrated or angry, or like you said, least you want validation about something that's going on in the relationship.
When you're describing what's happening to another person who's not part of that relationship, they're hearing only your side. They're hearing only your perception.
Lis:
Right. Right. You are correct.
Marlee:
And your perception in the moment might be very different after some time has passed and maybe new information comes to light.
Maybe you recognize that you were being overly sensitive or that you had misread a situation.
Lis:
Or that you contributed to it as well.
Marlee:
That's right. Beautiful point. And now what you've done is you have now biased, important people in your life and possibly in your partner's life, in a way that you can't then undo without having major egg on your face.
Now, I of course, would advise people if they have done that to fess up. I know that is something I have done.
Lis:
Yeah, mea, culpa. You know what? Absolutely take responsibility.
Marlee:
I have told my mother, who I am also close to. Different things about different men that I've been in relationships with because I wanted her advice and I wanted also to vent, of course, and be validated.
And like you said, even though I would get past it, she wouldn't and she would never look at that person the same way. And I found that not only would I have to then go back to her and be like, you know what? It wasn't really as bad as I described. I was just really upset. But her being my mother, she was very protective of me.
I could do no wrong.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Cause of course I'm perfectly little Marlee. I don't think she fully believed me.
Lis:
So, it almost set the relationship up to fail because you care about your mom, you care about how she feels about somebody that you're dating.
Marlee:
Exactly. I want her to like this individual.
But now, I've created a situation that it's going to take on its own life that I can no longer control. And as you said, even if I admit I might have misinterpreted something, she doesn't know, did I really misinterpret something or am I now trying to cover up for this person because I want her to like him.
Or maybe even will she think later on I'm crying wolf. Do you know what I mean? Like that maybe she won't take my complaints as seriously. And so I do think it's super important that people understand that. Now, certainly if somebody is seeking out advice because they feel like they're in some type of abusive situation,
Lis:
Oh, that's a completely different situation.
Marlee:
That's a whole different thing.
Lis:
You raise the red flag.
Marlee:
Yes. I think if your instincts are telling you something doesn't feel right, you need to absolutely go to a trusted person and get their take on it.
Lis:
Yeah, I absolutely think that.
Marlee:
So that is dirty laundry that absolutely needs to be aired for your own safety.
But, that's not what you and I are talking about. We're talking about, like you said, maybe something's going on in the bedroom. That would be very embarrassing or humiliating.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Guess what? That's what the expert is for, not your mom. Unless she's a sex therapist or so is your best friend.
You know what I mean? Like that's where you go and see a professional. Where maybe your partner's identity is hidden. You get confidentiality, you're getting unbiased advice. The person is listening to what you have to say and trying to offer advice based on this set of factors that you've presented.
Lis:
That is actually a really good point that you made there, because sometimes people feel they just need to get it off their chest and get it out there. And seeking professional help actually gives them an outlet to do that. That doesn't violate any sort of trust within the relationship.
Marlee:
Yeah, no.
Lis:
You're not talking to your girlfriend about your partner's Ed in the bedroom and they're just like, oh, well hey, I got this extra Viagra.
Marlee:
Not only do I think that when you air dirty laundry to other people about your partner, you make them uncomfortable.
Lis:
Oh, it's so awkward.
Marlee:
And not only do you make them uncomfortable, but you make them uncomfortable then when they're around your partner, because they now know something that they know they're not supposed to know.
Lis:
Oh my gosh, has that happened to you before?
Marlee:
Of course, it's happened to me a because I have a big mouth. I have made the mistake, and not only with my mother, but with friends, thank goodness, never coworkers. I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut in those situations, but there have absolutely been times when I had been dating somebody and I was frustrated or upset, or really, like you said, seeking validation.
And instead of going to my partner with the issue, I went to a friend. I recognize that even though I wasn't exaggerating and even though what I was saying was unbiased, don't you love this how I say I'm the only one unbiased? But I did recognize that even though I then wanted to work through it with my partner, and maybe we did, that, the individual that I decided to confide in instantly became uncomfortable because they knew there was something that had been going on.
Lis:
Have you ever been busted? Have you ever told information about your partner to either a friend that has then been revealed?
Marlee:
Like accidentally let it slip?
Lis:
Like let it slip or have you done it? Has somebody given you information that maybe, okay, you didn't realize you were supposed to have?
Marlee:
So I am like a vault?
Lis:
You are like a vault.
Yes. You really are. You are like one of the most trustworthy people I know.
Marlee:
Thank you. I do not reveal what other people say.
Lis:
You don’t.
Marlee:
So, in that sense, I do not feel I've ever been guilty of that. Have I experienced the person finding out that I said something? Yes. And boy did I have to do it fast tap dance.
I mean, it's a good thing I'm good at tap dancing and I did have to apologize to my partner. Absolutely. And he was humiliated and he was angry. And truthfully, I don't think he ever fully got over it. And I think that it absolutely had an impact on our relationship. I will also say when it comes to dirty laundry, everybody has a different sense of what's dirty laundry, for example, I am very open about the bedroom.
Lis:
You don't see it as being something that's embarrassing.
Marlee:
That's right. Exactly. And so that's another thing that I think is really important in a relationship is you need to understand your partner's boundaries.
Lis:
And comfort zones.
Marlee:
Yeah. Your comfort zones. And so you need to understand what you might be very comfortable airing about your relationship with others.
It doesn't even necessarily have to be dirty laundry, so to speak. It could be dirty laundry. I think that a lot of topics people feel differently about. I think financial issues when people are in debt or there's been a mismanagement of finances. I think that's something that a lot of people don't want aired.
I think that certainly somebody's had an affair.
Lis:
Oh yeah. Nobody wants that aired.
Marlee:
That's something they don't want aired. And I think that is an example of where the person who has been cheated on absolutely wants to air it to everybody that's willing to listen.
Lis:
Mountain tops. Yep. Shout that.
Marlee:
And if the relationship's over, go for it.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
But if you want to salvage the relationship, that is a perfect example of the moment you announce to family members or friends that this person has cheated on you, they are going to instantly have a whole new attitude towards this individual.
Lis:
You can't look at the person the same way ever again.
Marlee:
Never again. Another one, obviously the bedroom we discussed, I think there are some people who are very uncomfortable talking about sex and their sex lives and would be very humiliated, even if it's kind of positive.
Lis:
You're putting out all the time.
Marlee:
So you know, they still don't want that aired. I think that, like you said, there are things people are ashamed of or their habits, or like personality idiosyncrasies that they don't really want revealed to the greater public, because they can find it embarrassing.
I also think that when you do air dirty laundry, you risk adding stress to your partner and your relationship because everybody wants to be liked. Everybody wants to be looked at in a positive way, and the moment you start letting stuff out that really doesn't need to be public knowledge, you are eroding other people's respect for you.
I do believe that, and this is why I would always stress if you need to share something that is not innocuous. Seek out a professional, really go see a therapist, see a religious advisor, somebody that you can trust that will keep your confidentiality, that will hopefully be neutral and offer some good advice that you can then put into practice.
But airing dirty laundry, not a good idea.
Lis:
Keep it in the hamper.
Marlee:
Just keep it in the hamper. Please, please.
Lis:
You know, another point that I think is super important to make. Not only does airing dirty laundry reflect badly on your partner, but it also makes you look not so great.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
You know? I mean, it really does put you in such a bad light that you're willing to put information out there that is probably less than flattering about somebody else. And the second you start putting that out there, I mean, I know personally, when I'm hearing somebody talk badly about their significant other, I'm definitely looking at them like, what are you saying about other people?
If you're willing to put this kind of information out there about somebody that you supposedly love.
Marlee:
That is such a great point. If you are going to throw your life partner under the bus, so to speak. Yes, Wow.
Lis:
That is, you can't really come back from that. You know what I mean? You're absolutely, you're not only making them look bad, you're making yourself look bad.
Marlee:
I absolutely agree. I think that is just yet another wonderful reason as to why you should not air dirty laundry from your relationship, because it is going to reflect poorly on you, on your partner, and ultimately, it's going to just be harmful to your relationship, to not only to each of your own reputations, but also to your relationship.
Lis:
And listen, you know what? I'm going to take a step back and go even further and say somebody that you love and care about. You want people to see them in their best light. Yes. Don't you want people to look at them like, wow, they're so lucky to be together, they're so happy. Do you really want other people to look at your relationship and be like, wow, dodge that bullet.
Marlee:
No.
Lis:
Sucks again. You know what I mean?
Marlee:
Yeah. You are right Lis. That is a beautiful way of putting. Dodging the old bullet. Yeah, it, it really is. You've chosen this person, right? This is your partner. This is the person that you should trust more than anyone else. This is the person that should trust you more than anyone else, and yet you're willing to violate that trust over something, chances are, is pretty minor.
Lis:
Pretty minor, you know?
Marlee:
Now again, if they've already violated your trust, like with the whole affair thing, that's a whole other story.
Lis:
Well, right, and by the way, you just made a good point too. You picked them people. You picked this person.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
So if they suck that much and you picked them, what does that say about you?
Marlee:
Very well said. People need to understand the importance of trust in a relationship. And the moment you air dirty laundry to outsiders, stuff that they just didn't need to hear, you really are violating that trust and the moment trust becomes eroded in a relationship, that relationship is going to go in a downward spiral and it is very, very hard to recover.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships.
Lis:
I'm ready. Are you ready?
Marlee:
I am. So today's topic, When a Partner Applies a Double Standard to Their Family Members', Versus Your Family Member in the Relationship.
Lis:
Ooh, okay. Listen, I actually had a little bit of trouble with this one.
Marlee:
Oh my God, I didn't have any trouble with this one, so I'll start there.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
It's unfair to you and your family members. It creates instant animosity towards the favored family member.
Lis:
Ooh, okay.
Marlee:
Hello mother-In-law. It creates resentment in the relationship.
Lis:
Yep. Okay.
Marlee:
It is disrespectful to you. It is disrespectful to your family members. It makes you feel devalued by your partner. It hurts your feelings. It makes you feel anger and frustration towards your partner.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It creates a power and balance in the relationship. It shows a lack of empathy on the part of your partner.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It makes you want to retaliate, which is never a healthy decision.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
It's unfair and should not be tolerated. It's hypocritical and should be called out every time your partner pulls this kind of bs.
Lis:
Oh my God. The hypocritical. Yes.
Marlee:
It creates unnecessary tension in the relationship.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And it is a huge red flag. I’m sorry. Huge.
Lis:
I think you nailed it.
Marlee:
Thank you. I feel really strongly about this one. I think this is a really commonly experienced situation where another person's parent or sibling can do no wrong yet, if your parent or sibling does the exact same behavior, they call it out.
Lis:
No, I hear you and listen, like in my head, immediately when I saw this, I was just trying to wrap my head around what it meant.
It would be like sitting at a table with your in-laws and one of your parents has a very strong political view leaning one way, and that's okay, but the other family potentially has a very different political view and all of a sudden they're ostracized for having that opinion.
Marlee:
Right, exactly. See, you get it.
Lis:
I get it.
Marlee:
I'm sure a lot of people do. Now maybe they can vent.
Lis:
Vent about it.
Marlee:
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released.
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