S5 Episode 2: Relationship Deadlines are an Illusion
Episode Summary
Romantic relationship can be stressful enough without the added pressure of artificial deadlines. Timing is not everything when it comes to love. It is more important to build a healthy relationship with the right person than it is to meet self-imposed relationship goals like marriage and children.
Life is unpredictable. Stay flexible when it comes to building the life you desire. Ignore what society, friends or your family tells you is necessary for your happiness. Only you can decide what is the right fit for you. This is true for romantic partners, jobs, living arrangements, and the decision to have a family.
Reject the idea that relationships happen on a schedule. By removing the pressure to conform to other people’s expectations, you free yourself to explore all of the options and opportunities life has to offer. Focus your time and energy on productive things that benefit your mental, physical, financial and emotional health.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how important it is for your partner to understand your moods before they approach you for sex.
Show Notes
Having a life plan is different than having relationship deadlines. You can have general five-year or ten-year plans that shape your future. But this should be seen as more of a guide—not a rulebook of strict deadlines. Life-altering decisions should not hinge on societal notions of what is supposed to happen when.
Relationship deadlines create a false sense of urgency and cause stress in a relationship. In the end, they can also be entirely counterproductive. Deadlines create desperate behavior, and it’s a big reason why people make decisions they end up regretting down the road.
Whether it’s marriage, having kids, or some other milestone, you shouldn’t feel great pressure to make these things happen by a specific time. When you remove the concept of deadlines, you give yourself the freedom to go at your own pace. The moment friends or family try to place deadlines upon you, it’s because they want you to join in their choices. Misery loves company.
You deserve to live in your current happiness without worrying about what’s going to come next. You’re not missing out, so don’t let artificial or self-imposed deadlines guide your life. Idealizing a lifestyle isn’t true joy or comfort. If you can’t let go of your deadlines, at the very least ensure you communicate them in your relationship very early on.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: To have sex with me, my partner needs to understand my moods—it’s a mental thing for women. As a woman, the mood you're in dictates your desire. A partner who understands this reality will have a much higher rate of success. Men: Assess the situation before you make a move.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
On today's episode, Relationship Deadlines are an Illusion.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Okay. I want to make it very clear that having a life plan is very different than having relationship deadlines. And I do think a lot of people confuse the two.
You always talk about like what's your two-year plan, your five-year plan, your ten-year plan. Those are just sort of general ways of thinking about how you want to shape your future together and what decisions you might make to shape that future.
Lis:
Yeah, I think that's true. I think we grow up though, thinking that there's a perfect timeline for things.
Marlee:
Well, and that's just it. Yeah, exactly. Lis, for some reason, society will tell us either directly or indirectly, we need to set certain deadlines for particular things to happen in a relationship.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Whether it's sleeping together, living together, marrying, purchasing a home, creating children, any of these things.
These are big life altering decisions and the idea that you're going to let some ridiculous deadline…
Lis:
Some societal notion of like what's supposed to happen when…
Marlee:
Like exactly. Dictate that too, is ridiculous.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Or create unnecessary pressure for you or your partner. I've never agreed with it. I think that when people feel this false sense of urgency, they end up being influenced in a way that their decisions are often counterproductive or harmful to the actual relationship.
Certainly, they tend to not be very conducive to actually reaching the goal.
Lis:
Don't you feel like, I don't know, there's something about a deadline that like if you don't meet it, you feel like you failed.
Marlee:
That's where I think that deadlines create desperate behavior.
Lis:
Desperation. Yes.
Marlee:
Yes. And I think people make very poorly informed decisions and choices in a relationship for that very reason.
They are feeling this pressure that they don't need to feel. It's either self-imposed or it's imposed by some outside force. And I've always told people, do not let the level of commitment you have with somebody, the type of obligation you're willing to take on with somebody like children, a home, whatever it might be that you're not ready for.
Don't let family, don't let friends, don't let coworkers, don't let the talk show host on TV. Don't let anybody convince you you're missing out or that you need to go and get stuff done? TikTok. TikTok. Cause it's wrong.
Lis:
It's so wrong.
Marlee:
We are starting to see more and more young women realize they don't want to be parents.
For a long time, these sort of relationship deadlines were very much based around childbearing, right?
Lis:
Absolutely. Right.
Marlee:
And as science and technology is advancing and as there are more and more opportunities to have alternative forms of families from the sort of traditional concept of a family. You don't need to feel that pressure to have to find that perfect partner that's going to work for you.
Be in a financial situation so that you can afford the home to get it ready, your little nest ready for the children. You know? I mean, you don't have to do that. The fact is, the world is your oyster, and when you remove that ridiculous concept of a relationship deadline. You can actually go at your own pace.
Well, everybody has a different timing.
Lis:
It's also about like a comfort level.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
I mean, when you're taking in and absorbing everybody's commentary towards you, say you're cohabitating with somebody and you're perfectly happy with that level of commitment to your relationship. Like you just pointed out, your comfort level is really all that matters.
Your comfort level, your partner's comfort level, taking it to whatever people deem as the next step, getting married, having children, anything above and beyond what you're doing in your relationship is really nobody else's business.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
And the second you start letting that noise in, it disrupts your comfort.
Marlee:
That's right. It becomes unnatural. It doesn't allow the relationship to progress in an organic way. Here's a little secret. The moment people, friends, family, coworkers are saying, oh my God, you should have sex with him or her, or you should move in together, or you should get a pet, or you should have children, or you should buy a house.
You know why they're telling you that? Because they want you join in their bad choices.
Lis:
Yes, true.
Marlee:
That's the truth.
Lis:
It’s true. It’s true.
Marlee:
I am not saying getting married children or having sex is a bad choice. I'm telling you that the moment an outsider…
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Feels the need to comment on your state of romantic attachment. The moment they feel the need to tell you that you're not in a good place and that you need to do the next stage, that's them projecting people because misery loves company.
They're not happy with the choice they made…
Lis:
True.
Marlee:
And therefore, they feel the need to drag you in…
Lis:
Drag you down.
Marlee:
That's right, to the same situation. If somebody truly is happy with their relationship state, guess what? They don't care about you. They're in bliss.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
They're with their honey bunny.
Lis:
Oh my gosh.
Marlee:
They could not care what you do?
They don't give a shit if you fuck somebody. They care if you move in with somebody. It has zero impact on their life because they themselves are having a great time.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Now, if they're not having a great time, they hate that you still have the options that they gave up. Don't you understand?
Lis:
Man, you are just like…
Marlee:
That's why they're saying it.
Marlee:
Yes, but it’s true. I'll always say to people, when you feel forced or pressured to do something in a relationship, hello? Resentment instantly gets triggered.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It's never a good idea if you are not feeling it. If you don't want to take it to the next level, if you are not the one who's driving the bus.
Lis:
Yep. True. That’s true.
Marlee:
Then that's telling you something.
Lis:
That's so true.
Marlee:
Okay. It means exit stage left. Or at least slow it down a little to see if you're going to develop those feelings.
Lis:
I think that that's a really fair point, but I would also say what happened to living in the moment. Right? And I feel like, you know, it's so talked about today with social media and technology and how people are constantly so focused on what other people are doing and viewing their happiness and not feeling enough.
And I think that taking a second and living in your happiness, whatever that is, your current happiness, whether or not you're in a relationship, you're not in a relationship, you're looking, finding that comfort level for yourself. I think that it takes away from the joy that you can be feeling of living in the moment and when you can live in the moment, future deadlines mean nothing.
Marlee:
I think that's a great point, but I'm now going to counter you.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Because I think so many people end up using the whole relationship deadlines because they're unhappy. Not because they're happy. Remember negative Nellie here, but because they're unhappy, they're doing what you just said.
Lis:
Listen, there is always a balance. Yeah.
Marlee:
They're watching the social media…
Lis:
And they're feeling like they're missing out.
Marlee:
And they're feeling like they're missing out.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
So they're creating these artificial deadlines like, oh gosh, if I'm not married by 30.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
If I don't have a house by 40, if I haven't done this, that somehow I'm a failure.
That somehow our relationship is a failure. It's not as legit. Oh, we've been together for six years, but he's not proposed yet. Why not? It's like hello? Cause he doesn't want to get married. How do you not get that.
Lis:
Did you have you have that conversation?
Marlee:
Yeah. I mean If you’ve been with somebody for six years, and they haven't bothered to propose to you. It means they don't want to marry you. They want that opening.
Remember the old exit strategy? They're practicing it.
Lis:
Marlee had asked that question on the first date. If you can all recall.
Marlee:
They're practicing it, whether you believe it or not, though.
Lis:
I believe it, I do.
Marlee:
They're practicing an exit strategy. They're keeping one foot out the door because they have decided that you are not the person that they are willing to go all the way. By the way, if you push them, they might give in, but it’s not going to last.
It's not going to last. It's just that simple.
Lis:
Absolutely, absolutely.
Marlee:
Again, creating these deadlines you're not going to give yourself the happiness that you're seeking. It'll end in misery.
Lis:
Well, it's like an endorphin rush watching other people have happiness, I guess.
I guess that's why social media is so impactful, right?
Marlee:
Yeah. They do.
Lis:
Like you do you get that adrenaline rush wishing that it was you or wanting to be part of that lifestyle or whatever it is.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
And yeah, it consumes you. But that's not true happiness. It's not true comfort. It's not true, your world viewer life.
It's you're focused through the lens of somebody else that's only putting their happy moments out there.
Marlee:
That's right. And you also have to make sure that if you do have these sort of arbitrary deadlines in your head, and you're really stuck with them and you're not going to like get rid of them. Then you better communicate them.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Very early on.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Like Lis said, like I always say at the very beginning of the relationship, communicate them because if the other person doesn't see it the same way, you're not going to be on the same page and things aren't going to progress the way you want. And you're going to get frustrated.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And you're going to end up acting out in ways that could damage your relationship, that if you just were clear.
And if the other person was like, okay, I hear what you want and you know what, I'm going to kind of like, “Give you a chance. Let's see how it progresses.”
Lis:
Sure.
Marlee:
Then you're giving them the opportunity, but they know what you're looking for.
Lis:
Expectations.
Marlee:
Expectations. Or they have the option to say, yeah, you know what?
Those are not expectations I want to meet. These are conversations you have to have. And if you think they're scary, and if you think they're a turnoff, then guess what? That's not the right person for you.
Lis:
That's also a red flag. Exactly.
Marlee:
It's a red flag. If the person is like, whoa, whoa, whoa, we're getting way too ahead of ourselves, then the person lied on their profile if they said, looking for something serious.
Lis:
Or if they're looking for something serious, just not with you.
Marlee:
That's right. Exactly. So you need to be honest with yourself. You need to really ask, are you the one creating these deadlines? Why are you creating these deadlines? What purpose do these deadlines serve? Are they realistic deadlines? And are they fair to you? Are they fair to the other person? Are they even necessary for you to achieve ultimately what you want?
And also recognize as you move on and as your relationship gets more serious, and as you become a more long-term situation, different types of deadlines can pop up. And if you two aren't going to have those conversations, that's a problem. There's a lot of people that have children and then they think they're done.
They think they're done, and all of a sudden…
Lis:
Boop.
Marlee:
Boop. There's another child, and everything hits the reset button. So I'm just telling you like you have to be very communicative with your partner in saying, I'd like to have this by this. Once we sort of hit this point, we're not going to do X, Y, and Z. Listen, if you hit a point where you are in your late fifties, early sixties, and you are not financially stable, this is not the time to be really irresponsible with like buying a house that's way out of your budget.
Okay? This is the time where you downsize and you start thinking, okay, we said we'd buy our dream home by the time we were retirement age, but guess what? If you can't afford it? That deadline needs to disappear well for your own wellbeing.
Lis:
And by the way, dreams change and there is really no such thing as perfect timing because life is constantly changing and evolving.
And so the second that you put a deadline on something, you're immediately negating life happening.
Marlee:
Well said.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis. It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships.
Marlee:
Today's topic, To Have Sex with Me, My Partner Needs to Understand My Moods.
It's a very mental thing for women.
Lis:
It so is, oh my gosh, this is a good topic.
Marlee:
All right. I think you go first.
Lis:
I think that for women, good sex is like at least 80% mental.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
The mood that you're in and how you get started.
Marlee:
Abso-freaking-lutely.
Lis:
Yeah. So men I think often assume that women's moodiness is about them or something that they've done.
Forget yourself. It's not always about you. I mean, listen, a woman can go from feeling like super sexy to super cranky and, and instant, right? Like bad lighting, like insecurities, like things can go wrong.
Marlee:
A glimpse in the mirror.
Lis:
A glimpse in the mirror. You see that dimple, like whatever. Maybe she had a bad day at work or didn't get enough sleep, or maybe she walked in and you left the toilet seat up.
Like who knows what it is? You can go from feeling super sexy to not super sexy and it’s innocent, and sometimes it's just plain hormonal. So all I would say is take a minute or five to assess the situation. Look at my face before you make a move.
Marlee:
All right. Those are all good points. So, I mean…
Lis:
I know you're going to have some really good things to say.
Marlee:
Well, I hope I do. I'm going to start by saying sex for women, and some men is more mental than physical.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
A partner that understands this reality will have a much higher rate of success in getting sex out of their partner if they can learn to read a room and their partner's moods.
Lis:
Read a room. I love it.
Marlee:
If my partner wants sex, there needs to be empathy displayed earlier in the day.
It cannot just be automatic because the mood to fool around strikes them.
Lis:
Ooh.
Marlee:
Women carry a lot of the emotional burden for their family, and it ends up taking a toll on the woman's desire to be sexual. When women are not in the right head space, sex becomes another chore or burden on the long list of things to do.
This makes women resent their partners and often only engage in sexual activity as a way to shut the person up.
Lis:
Oh.
Marlee:
The smallest gestures of appreciation and intimacy can change a woman's mood. Wearing down a woman by nagging, guilting, or threatening to get sexual satisfaction elsewhere is selfish, thoughtless and manipulative behavior.
Lis:
Ugh. Yeah.
Marlee:
A woman in a long-term relationship needs to feel like there's trust, respect, and intimacy to feel desire. Having children changes a woman's body, priorities and ability to practice self-care. Taking note of these realities and being sensitive to them will actually get you more sex than complaining about them to your partner.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Many women enjoy sex with their partner once they're in the right mindset. It's important to communicate with your partner to understand what actions or behaviors a partner can do to help that mindset become a reality.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
In other words, much like you said, Lis, if there are just little behaviors, that the guy can do or change to get the woman more in the mood, he is going to be much more likely in having his advances met with a positive response.
Lis:
You're so right.
Marlee:
If your wife or girlfriend or partner is up the night before with a sick kid while you were just sleeping all evening, and then you think you're going to get sex with them the next day. You're frigging foolish. All right. The person is tired, they're exhausted, they're concerned about their child's wellbeing, chances are there's probably a mess they still need to clean. The last thing they want to do is get your rocks off. However, I can tell you. If you say to them, “you know what, babe? Why don't you relax? I'm going to make dinner. I'm sure you're exhausted. Why don't you go take a nap? I'm going to get the kids fed and bathe and put them to bed.”
I’ve got to tell you something. The chance of you getting the next morning a nice wake up blowjob, have increased tenfold. Tenfold.
Lis:
Just that turned me on right there.
Marlee:
Yeah, that’s right.
Lis:
Yeah, exactly.
Marlee:
Just by being thoughtful to your partner.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
It's really about reading the room. It's about understanding that when somebody feels appreciated, when somebody feels heard, when somebody feels like you understand what they are going through…
Lis:
Empathy, I love it.
Marlee:
They are much more willing to be open to sexual advances. It's just the truth.
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast or to learn more about us, visit www.Romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released.
Also make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast, please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify. Reviews let Apple know that great listeners like you enjoy our show and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again and stay Romancipated.