Reality Check: What Do You Bring to the Relationship?

00:00

Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.

00:30

It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated. 

Marlee:

Today's topic, Reality Check: What Do You Bring to the Relationship? 

Lis:

Oh, all that. In a bag of chips, baby. 

Marlee:

Well, I think I'm a kind of hot and spicy Dorito bag. You know, some people can handle it and some people can't . But anyway, all right, so I wrote this topic least because I do think that a lot of people end up struggling finding a good relationship because…

01:05

they are not particularly realistic with what they bring to the relationship. Forget what they're looking for. You know, their laundry list of wants and needs and traits they want in a partner. That's another podcast. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

I want to talk about this concept that you and I often discuss of self-awareness, right?

01:26

Lis:

Oh yeah. So many people are not self-aware. 

Marlee:

Yes. What exactly do you bring to the relationship? How are you offering value? So I'm going to kick this over to you because you are a bit of the marketing branding expert here. So I feel like you will have a great take on this. I'd love to hear what you have to say.

01:48

Lis:

I think that you pointed out the self-awareness piece, and I think that people come into relationships looking for very specific things, And it's, you know, depending on looks. They're looking for somebody that like, what they feel like matches, like their idea of perfection in terms of looks, it's about a financial aspect, like, you know, what are they going to bring to the table?

02:13

But likewise, men and women both come into relationships with these kind of expectations, I think. And you know, you look at, 

Marlee: 

Wait, so I'm sorry to interrupt you. But I think this is really interesting because I think women will have laundry lists about what they want in a partner. 

Lis:

Right. Yeah. 

Marlee:

I don't think men are as guilty of that.

02:33

Lis:

I disagree with that. 

Marlee:

Really? 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

But I was going to say, I do think that men are really unaware of what they're bringing to the relationship, and I feel that women have more self-awareness in that sense of what they bring to a relationship. 

Lis:

Oh my gosh. I don't know if I feel that way. Okay. No, and, I say that because I feel as though men are, they feel simpler to me.

02:58

I think they have a laundry list because I think that they have expectations from a relationship.

Marlee:

Boobs. 

Lis:

Boobs. Yeah. They're just like, you got big boobies. Great. 

Marlee:

Yeah, exactly. 

Lis:

But I would also say that, you know, they have expectations maybe from the way that they were raised or their upbringing, right? Like maybe their mom did work.

03:15

And so they have an expectation that their wife will also work because that's what they knew growing up. And you know, it could even be, they want somebody that's college educated because that's what they grew up with. 

Marlee:

You know, I think, no, and I think interesting. 

Lis:

It might be like a subconscious kind of thing.

Marlee:  

I’ve got to tell you, I think they'll take a super hot chick that has zero education, that's nothing like their mother, just cause she's hot.

03:40 

Lis:

I don't know, I don't think, I think they might date somebody like that, but I don't think that's marriage material for them. 

Marlee:

Ah. And there's, I think there's a difference.

Lis:

You know, because how many times, listen, I have a lot of guy friends. I, you know, I grew up swimming and so like we all melded together and we were like this big family and I just remember there was lots of times where the guys would be like...

04:00 

…dateable not marrying, you know, but, and there was always the chicks that had, you know, like something to look at or they had a nice figure. And let's be honest, everybody knows that those things potentially fade. 

Marlee:

Right, right. 

Lis:

I mean, you know. 

Marlee:

No, absolutely. 

Lis:

And so it's not necessarily something that's going to sustain in the long term.

04:16

So dialing it back, I do think that women have a laundry list and probably a more specific laundry list than men. But I think that we're less self-aware of what we're bringing to the table because we're so busy looking for them to check all of these boxes that you kind of forget about the things that you're bringing to the table and whether or not you get married.

04:41

Let's say you're in a partnership, or you're married. And how many women after they have kids, kind of let themselves go. And I don't know, I'm sorry. Like that's also not what your spouse married. So, I kind of feel like there's like a little bit of a disconnect between what you're really bringing to the table versus expectations when you're starting off on a relationship.

05:03

Marlee:

I agree. But I kind of disagree. So, you know. Okay. I think that there are a lot of women that undersell what they actually bring to the relationship. I think a lot of women don't recognize how much of the burden that they take on in a relationship, and so, they don't actually recognize it early on and they end up in a situation where they're carrying more weight than the men. 

Lis:

I think the burdens become greater the longer you're in a relationship.

05:37

I think when you're young and starting out, your responsibilities are really to each other and that's it. 

Marlee:

No, I think it's a, lots of the women carry a lot of the emotional burden, the emotional health of the relationship. I think it's usually the women who are in charge of the communication in the relationship.

05:57

I think it's usually the women that are in the driver's seat of taking the relationship to whatever the next level is.

Lis:

But I feel like that's self-fulfilling. I feel like you take it on, but I think you take it on, but again, that's on you. Like if you're in a partnership and you're in a relationship where everything you feel like is work.

06:15 

And it's falling on you and it feels like work, then you're probably in the wrong relationship because you're owning all of these things. You're not putting any expectation on the other partner. 

Marlee:

No, I see that point. 

Lis:

And so you're driving that bus. 

Marlee:

You know what? Okay. I like being in the driver's seat.

06:31

Lis:

I do too. I would take those things on. Yeah. So I mean, it's self-fulfilling. 

Marlee:

Like No, you're right. 

Lis:

I knew I was taking those things on. 

Marlee:

That's true. 

Lis:

They were things that I wanted to own. 

Marlee:

Okay, but you happen to be a much more self-aware person as I think I am. 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

And I don't necessarily think that a lot of people as they enter into relationships, have that type of self-awareness.

06:50

So I think they're not only aware that they want to take on a certain role, like in the driver's seat. I also think that some people really don't see their value. And sometimes I think people see way too much value, right? Does that make sense? Like I have known men and women who really think they are the cats meow.

07:11

They really think they have so much to offer and I kind of, as an outsider, I'm like, what am I missing? You know, I don't see it. Maybe it's not my style, I don't know, but I don't see it. And then there are other people who I think have so much to offer and they always seem to settle for the biggest losers.

07:34

Do you know what I mean? Like they don't see what an incredible partner they are, what they actually have to offer to a relationship. And so that's what I'm talking about with like that reality check. I think there are a lot of people who are not truly in tune with what skill sets they're actually bringing into a relationship or what baggage they're bringing into relationship.

07:56 

Lis:

And I was going to say, you know, it's so funny that you make that point because it got me thinking. Why relationships as you get older tend to be more successful than when you enter into a relationship and it kind of sustains the test of time. And I think as people get older, they do realize more of what they're offering and what they're bringing to the table, but also likewise, what they want back from their partner.

08:22

Marlee:

Right. 

Lis:

And I think when you're younger, some of those things aren't quite as important and or at least you don't value them in the same way that as you get older you realize you need to value them. I mean, listen, like life only gets harder and as you get married and cohabitate and have a mortgage, and have children and have a puppy, like there's lots of things that the burdens will fall in certain ways.

08:47

And if you accepted them or kind of took them on early on in your relationship. The expectation is just going to magnify rather than having it be more of a partnership. A true partnership. 

Marlee:

No, I do agree and I do think that they're always going to be situations where the responsibility shifts, you know what I mean?

09:05

Like the child care can shift between partners, right. You know, jobs. Somebody can lose their job and all of a sudden one partner is the main economic support. Right?  And that responsibility shifts.

Lis:

That's right.  

Marlee:

Yep. Uh, somebody's more successful. 

Lis:

You know, I mean, so I do agree.

09:19

Marlee:

Somebody gets ill. 

Lis:

Yeah. Right. That's right.  

Marlee:

Yeah. I guess for me, what I would like our listeners to do is regardless of what stage you're in, in a relationship, and what age you're at. I think that the ability to take a step back and really think about what you can offer as a partner and if what you can offer is something really dynamite, I mean like you really then I think reach for the stars and you should have this great list of qualities you also want in a partner.

09:55

But I think. If you're not nearly the dynamo that you think you are, and I, I say most of us fall into that category. That is the vast majority of us. You know, we have some great qualities, but we also have some flaws and we have some baggage. 

Lis:

Everybody does. Yeah. 

Marlee:

I think that when you are realistic about that and you're open and you're honest about it, I think that it frees you…

10:18

…to be more realistic about what type of partner would be an appropriate match for you and where the two of you could really build something together. 

Lis:

Well, and I think you made a really great point because I think when you do take that step back and realize what it is that you want, you're going to make sure that the person that you are with matches up and meets those qualities as well.

10:43

Marlee:

Get in that bus driver's seat, man. 

Lis:

Toot toot. You are all that in a bag of chips, by the way, Marlee.

Marlee:

Thank you. 

It's venting time with Marlee and Lis. 

Marlee:

It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

So today's topic, When a Partner Becomes a jerk, Because They're Too Scared to Break Up with You and Want You to Do it Yourself.

11:10

Lis:

This is, this is actually a really good one and I dunno why I'm laughing. I have a nervous laugh. I must have done this one. 

Marlee:

Oh, oh oh. Okay. Then I'll go first while you collect yourself. 

Lis:

All right. 

Marlee:

Okay. Here we go. It's a sign of incredible weakness on the part of the person trying to break up.

11:27

Lis:

Yes it is. 

Marlee:

It's incredibly disrespectful to the individual that you are dumping. It shows very poor communication skills. It's an incredibly immature behavior. It's dishonest and manipulative. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

It makes your partner feel like they're responsible or did something wrong, instead of just letting them know it's not about them, it's about you.

11:51

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

It's a common practice amongst men because they don't want to hurt the woman's feelings, but they end up doing exactly that by this behavior. Uh, it's ridiculous. It creates feelings of doubt in the person being broken up with.

Lis:

That's true. 

Marlee:

It does not allow for closure for the individual that ends up doing the breaking up because they don't actually understand the reasons for it. They're being misled, you know? It also, it makes the person you broke up with doubt everything about the relationship when they look back. 

Lis:

Yeah, of course. 

Marlee:

And finally, you do not allow the person to learn…

12:30

…about what went wrong and how they can improve or alter behaviors in the future because they broke up under false pretenses. 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

I mean, it might be that, yeah, you were a jerk and they should break up with you, but they might think that it might have been them being unreasonable or something. Or being demanding over some behavior.

12:51

And it's incredibly unfair. I find that particular approach to ending a relationship. It's gross. It's just gross. Now. Okay. I need to hear yours. I need to hear yours. 

Lis:

All right. Now listen, I'm going to qualify mine by saying that I was very young when I pulled this. 

Marlee:

All right. All right. 

Lis:

Now I was super immature, so your first point, nailed it in the head, and I will give the reason why…

13:14

…I did this in my immature state because I felt like making them hate me would be better for them than breaking their heart. So I felt like I was giving them something to walk away with. 

Marlee:

Think a lot about you yourself, don't you Lis? 

Lis:

Well, I just listen. Like this particular relationship. We were super young, so I just needed to qualify that one.

13:33

But I will say that hindsight, I realized that that. Clearly poor communication skills. So yes, they don't want to make the breakup their fault, so they're trying to get you to hate them. So you do the dirty work. They don't like to be blamed for things. They lack proper communication skills. They're a narcissist.

13:52

Marlee:

Ooh. 

Lis:

They manipulate and make you feel like this is your fault. They are toxic and they make you try to prove yourself to them thinking that it's something you did, which you actually said as well. 

Marlee:

So, oh wow. I mean, listen, I've known you a long time, Lisa. I don't think you're toxic. 

Lis:

So, but I mean, I, listen again, I was qualifying that saying I was young and I was trying to do it in a way that like, Preserved somebody's feelings.

14:15

But in hindsight, I realized obviously that had I just had better communication skills at that point in time, I would've done it in a much more respectful way. 

Marlee:

Now, look, listen, I can tell you I have been the one that has ended every single relationship I've had. I've actually never had somebody break up with me, so I don't know what it actually feels like.

14:36

I intellectually can understand it. I haven't emotionally experienced it, but I will say that every break up that I ever initiated, I tried to do with the utmost respect for the other person. I think that how you leave a relationship is says so much about you. 

Lis:

You're so right. 

Marlee:

And it has such an impact on the other person, and you can choose to do it the right way or the wrong way.

15:02

And every time you do it the wrong way, you are contributing unnecessarily to another person's pain, particularly a person you once cared for. 

Lis:

Absolutely. You're so right.

Marlee:

Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com.

15:28

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15:48

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