Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
Today's topic, Personal Responsibility. What's That?
Lis:
What’s that?
Marlee:
You know, I have to tell you, Lis, personal responsibility. Wow. This is so important.
Lis:
I know you're going to a lot to say on that.
Marlee:
A lot of things are important to me. I know, I know.
Lis:
But this one in particular.
Marlee:
This really is and I'll tell you my sort of take on it.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
I want to see what you think.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
But why personal responsibility is so important in a relationship. There's a lot of reasons, but I'm just going to sort of run down for you why I think it is such a great thing and it's so empowering…
…when you take personal responsibility, I think personal responsibility gets a bad rap. Like people don't want to take it, and what they don't understand is it's actually a get out of jail card.
Lis:
That's Oh, okay.
Marlee:
It really is. Yep. Okay. So first of all, when you take personal responsibility for yourself, you never have to give a fake or an insincere apology.
Lis:
Love it.
Marlee:
I'm being serious.
Lis:
Like, no, I know. I love that. This is so true.
Marlee:
Second, When I say personal responsibility sets you free. It does, from judgment and pressure from your partner. I'm telling you, if you want to stop a fight mid-sentence. Take responsibility. Take responsibility. It will stop your partner…
And they'll be like, yeah, ah, oh ah…they won't even know what to do. Third, if you take personal responsibility for everything that you say, everything that you do, and you really own your own behavior, no one else can ever use it against you.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And, and then final, I have to say personal responsibility. It gives you choices.
Lis:
Sure does.
Marlee:
It gives you choices. It is such a powerful tool. Okay. Respond. I want to hear, I want to hear.
Lis:
No, listen, I'm absorbed with what you said because even though it will stop a fight mid-sentence.
Marlee:
Oh yes it does.
Lis:
Right? Because, no, well…
Marlee:
I hope my husband isn't listening. I use that on him all the time anyway.
Lis:
No, because listen, when you really think about it, and it's not easy to take personal responsibility.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Because we're so used to blaming somebody else.
Marlee:
That's right. Playing the victim.
Lis:
And finger pointing.
Marlee:
That's right. Yep.
Lis:
And can't be my fault.
Marlee:
That's right. I couldn't have done that.
Lis:
Taking personal responsibility and owning your own actions is such a sign of self-confidence to me.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
That so many people don't have. I mean, it shows that you have the maturity and the self-awareness to admit when you're wrong, right?
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And I think that in and of itself gives you and your partner, I mean, listen, it empowers you. It empowers you and your partner because it shows that you can show empathy in a moment.
Marlee:
Yes, yes.
Lis:
To your partner. It shows that you respect your partner.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
It builds trust with your partner. I mean, all of those things, just by the simple fact that you took personal responsibility for something. Is actually kind of a gift. I don't know. I mean, it's a gift. It's your relationship, right?
Marlee:
I agree. You're being accountable for your actions.
Lis:
Yeah. Okay.
Marlee:
You're getting it girl. You're being romancipated. That's what I'm talking about.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
When you own your shit.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Okay.
Lis:
Because we all have it.
Marlee:
We all have it. When you actually have the ability to stand up and somebody says, if you like your partner's, like, you know, I'm mad at you because you were being selfish.
And you're like, you know what? I was, they got nowhere to go.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
They got nothing. They're like, oh, you admit you were being selfish. You're like, yeah, I admit I was being an asshole, and I'm sorry. They’ve got nothing.
Lis:
Dead in the water.
Marlee:
They got nothing. Yeah, I know. All they have to be is like, oh, well I'm glad we had this talk
You know what I mean?
Lis:
Glad I put it out there.
Marlee:
But here's the deal. By taking ownership, you have empowered yourself, right? It really is one of the positions that, like you just said, I love the way you said it. It's given such a bad rap. People always want to point fingers at others.
They never want to say that it's their fault. But the fact is, when you take on the responsibility, if you've actually done something, now I'm not telling you to say you did something that you didn't do. That's ridiculous.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
What I'm saying though is if you are actually able to recognize that maybe something you did, something is said, was actually negative, had a impact on your partner in some way, and if you are able to own that, it's huge.
That's number one.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
But also, like I said, to be able to say, I did it. I did it. Yes, I did it. That's part of who I am. That also helps your partner.
Lis:
It builds trust.
Marlee:
That's right. And it builds trust.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Because they know that when you did something, you'll own it. You'll own up, you'll be like, you're right.
I did it. And then it, like you said, it not only builds trust, but then if you didn't do something or if something, you know what I mean, in fact was a misinterpretation or a miscommunication or somebody's perception of what you did…
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
…was different than your reality.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
You have validity.
Lis:
Yeah
Marlee:
You've got credibility. Do you understand? It's a get out of jail free card. I'm telling you. Because all of a sudden, if your partner is fighting with you, be like, didn't I tell you before when you called me selfish? Didn't I say it, didn't I own it? Didn't I say I was being selfish? But now this time when you call me selfish, no, I'm not owning it because I wasn't selfish in this particular instance.
And so I'm not going to let you call me selfish. Do you see what I mean? It empowers you.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It allows you to have choices. It allows you another aspect of the choices, if you, let's say, you're arguing with your partner. You've already owned something, another situation comes up and you in fact aren't guilty of that, and you don't need to take any responsibility because you weren't responsible.
You are able to then make the choice of, do I let this person do this to me? Do I stay in this relationship?
Lis:
Yeah. No listen.
Marlee:
Let's say it, it, it gives you the perspective of you know what? I don't need to be in this relationship. I'm here because I want to be.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
I'm owning who I am and you, my partner, need to own who you are and I get to call you out, and you need to take personal responsibility when you've done something.
Lis:
Here is kind of the beauty of all of this, right?
You take responsibility for yourself, somebody else's journey on growth and on their responsibility. That's their own business.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
That's their own problem. And if they can't figure out how to own and take personal responsibility, it's not your job to compromise on that either.
Marlee:
That's right.
That's your choice.
Lis:
Exactly. That's your choice.
Marlee:
Their choice is to then if you, if they're not going to grow or they're not going to acknowledge what they've done right, then you get to leave. It's your choice.
Lis:
It's your choice.
Marlee:
Or if you want to stay, it's your choice.
Lis:
Right. But also, , it's your self worth, right?
Marlee:
That's right. I love personal responsibility. It is something that I live by. It is a mantra that I practice every single day. Not only does it really benefit me in my personal relationships, it is a great thing to model for my children. I am proud to be known as a person that takes personal responsibility.
Lis:
You sure do.
Marlee:
Thank you. And you do too. And you know, I think it's a great quality to have and watch me break my arm as I'm patting myself and you on the back. But I think it's a great quality to have and I think that too many people think that if they take responsibility for things they've done or said, that somehow that will back them into a corner.
And if anything, it does not. It frees them. It does not allow somebody to back them into a corner. When you own your shit. Okay? When you admit that you've made a mistake, when you admit your part in something, all you can do is own it. Apologize. Move forward. If the person doesn't accept your apology, if the person isn't going to move forward that’s on them.
Like I said, you've freed yourself.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
You've done everything you need to do. You've freed yourself. It is your choice. You can choose to stay in the relationship or in the conflict or the fight or whatever. Or you can choose to say, you know what? Dropping the mic, exit stage left. I've owned what I need to own and I don't need to take anything else.
I don't need to be berated. I don't need to explain myself. I don't need any of that. I've owned it. You either accept it or you don't, and that's what I mean. And I have found that people are just much more open to accepting my positions. My perspectives, right?
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Because I own my stuff.
Lis:
I think that it's, for me, it's come more as I've gotten older.
I was definitely not as open to accepting my personal responsibility in things the younger I was.
Marlee:
Sure.
Lis:
And hindsight has played a big role in kind of taking a deep dive in, looking at past relationships, past conflicts that I've had, and obviously in any given argument there's two sides right?
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
And understanding that even though you feel you might be 100% right, there is still a level of personal responsibility that you can take from that particular conflict.
Marlee:
That's right. And how you have impacted another person.
Lis:
That's right. Yes. Because it's not just about the argument itself. There's always levels and layers and things that have gone into it. Something that you might have said, something that you might have done, something that you could have done differently…
…to avoid it and in the heat of the moment. I love saying that because it's true. I think I'm a stubborn person and I would get so worked up into like my moral high ground that of course I was right. Like, what are you talking about? Like, everything I did, I played by the books because that's the way I roll.
Like I'm checks and balances and blah, blah, blah. I did not take into account however, what I might have said or done that set something else off.
Marlee:
Set it in motion.
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
You might not have done anything wrong, but you need to take the responsibility.
Lis:
Correct.
Marlee:
You just give perfect example of setting things in motion because of your own feelings.
Lis:
Right. I lacked the self-awareness that I actually had a personal responsibility in creating this situation.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
Looking back, I think that so many issues could have been resolved in such a different way. Had I just said, I'm sorry.
Like, you're right, I did or said something that put you in a place that you felt defensive or not taking that personal responsibility myself, just riled the situation up because my partner didn't feel like I understood them. They didn't understand or I didn't understand where they were coming from, and in my mindset at the time,
I was on the defense too. I wasn't accepting personal responsibility because I felt like I was right.
Marlee:
So, taking personal responsibility doesn't have to just be for doing something bad.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
It can also be, I approached my partner with something I wanted to talk about at a wrong time.
Lis:
Yeah, exactly.
Marlee:
And instead of being resolved in a good way, it got resolved in a bad way or didn't get resolved.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
You have to own the fact that, you know what? I know I should have waited until things calm down to discuss it.
Lis:
But, I just needed to get it off my chest.
Marlee:
Exactly.
Lis:
And then I I I
Marlee:
And you own it.
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
You have to take the responsibility that your choice helped create the situation.
Lis:
That's right. That's right.
Marlee:
I love it, Lis. Personal responsibility. What's that?
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships.
Today's topic, When My Partner Reveals an Embarrassing or Intimate Detail of Our Relationship.
Lis:
Ugh. I'm going to throat punch 'em.
Marlee:
Oh, all right. You want to go first?
Lis:
Sure.
Marlee:
All right. This I’ve got to hear?
Lis:
Yeah. No. Well, listen, like I will actually say my current partner…
Marlee:
Watch out husband.
Lis:
Yeah. You better stop doing this.
No, I'm just kidding. No, he does not do this. But I have been in relationships that this has happened and it is horrible feeling of violation. Okay. What happens behind closed bedroom doors should stay between you and your partner. Without consent discussing specifics of your sex life should be an absolute no-no.
Marlee:
Oops, . Sorry. Keep going.
Lis:
Your friends really don't need to know precise numbers when it comes to your partner's salary, about investment they made, or an amount of debt that they're trying to pay off.
Marlee:
Right.
Lis:
That is a private matter for you to handle with your partner. And keep it to yourself.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Maybe you're tempted to tell friends or family about abuse or trauma that your partner has endured, even if you feel it's to help them better understand your partner's behavior in a current situation.
Revealing this information is a huge violation of your partner's trust and should only be shared if it's something they deem they'd want to share with somebody else.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Your partner's health struggles, whether it's about infertility, depression, or anything else are nothing to be ashamed of. That said, it's their choice, not yours, whether they want to share those details with others and when.
And lastly, even if you're looking for support or validation, having knowledge of embarrassing details comes with a certain level of intimacy with your partner. When you share something outside your trust circle of your partnership, you're violating their trust and privacy.
Marlee:
Oh my goodness. Okay.
Did you go and get a degree, like a PhD in psychology or something?
Lis:
No, but this topic to me is so important because I can't stand when somebody shares information about a partner. And I know in my gut that I should not know something about this person.
Marlee:
Right? Absolutely.
Lis:
Because to me, I'm now going to look at this person and all I'm going to see is these issues.
And if they're not telling me, I'm thinking, well, they don't trust me enough. Why aren't they telling me these things on their own? Like, you start to think about it and it becomes about you rather than this person.
Marlee:
Right.
Lis:
These issues, these intimate issues that they have.
Marlee:
Brilliant point.
Lis:
It means so much to me.
You want to be able to develop healthy, trusting relationships with everybody. So, sorry, go ahead.
Marlee:
Don't apologize. These are great.
Lis:
This wasn't necessarily a vent to me. This is more of a reality. These are just life facts. Like don't do it.
Marlee:
No, no. I mean, they were vents and they were amazing. All right, so mine are a little less involved, but still, I'd like to think they're pretty good.
Okay. So first again, it violates the trust that you build in the relationship.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
It is beyond disrespectful.
Lis:
Horrible.
Marlee:
It's often a power play.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
I mean, and in certain circumstances I think that it could be perceived as abusive.
Lis:
Yeah. Listen. It destroys intimacy between the partners who's going to want to have sex with somebody that's just like, you know, told about your kinky behaviors in the bedroom.
Marlee:
Again, you know. Oops. Uh, we'll move on. It violates boundaries.
Lis:
It does.
Marlee:
It exposes you to potential embarrassment, judgment, scorn, or even danger.
Lis:
Yeah, it sure does.
Marlee:
It makes the person who revealed the details look untrustworthy. It can come off as petty or it can feel like bullying to the partner.
Lis:
Ooh, I never thought about it. That's a good one.
Marlee:
You know, I think it can create embarrassment for your partner or the person who is actually getting the intimate details.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And I do think that it is a sign of a person that is tone-deaf in many situations that you described, you know, or they lack self-awareness.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Because I do think that a lot of partners, if they recognized how damaging that can be to the person that they love and that they care about, they would realize that they made a giant miscalculation. But I think for so many people they just completely lack that self-awareness to understand that what they've just done was a really bad decision.
Lis:
No, I think you're totally right. And actually, I want to add to that because how many times have you been in a situation where, you're seeing somebody act in a certain way and the partner gets embarrassed for that person. And they're like, oh, well, they're going through a really tough time.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
You know, we just, she just miscarried or like, you know something and it's almost as though they're trying to hide their own embarrassment of the situation.
Marlee:
Right.
Lis:
Or cover it up by exposing their partner in a very intimate way that is not acceptable.
Marlee:
I agree.
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released.
Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook if you're enjoying the podcast. Please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify reviews. Let Apple know that great listeners like you enjoy our show and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again and stay Romancipated.