S2 Episode 11: Part 2: If You Need to Lie About Your Relationship to Impress Others, Don’t!
Episode Summary
It is natural for people to compare their romantic relationships with their peers. As tempting as it may be, resist the urge to try and one-up your friends or colleagues. If you got lucky and found your soul mate, that’s amazing. Make sure to take the time to cherish and appreciate your situation and your partner. Focus on living in the moment instead of bragging or lying in an attempt to impress other people.
There is no need to over-share or advertise how amazing your romantic life is because it may come back to bite you in the ass. If people decide they want what you have, they may try to take it away from you instead of finding a great partner themselves.
We all want to believe that we are loved and appreciated by our partners. So, imagine how hurt your partner would feel if they heard you were lying about them because the real situation was “not good enough”. If you do need to make up stories about your relationship or partner to impress other, this is not the right fit for you.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss when a person drops their friends as soon as they enter a new relationship.
Show Notes
In a previous episode, we talked about hiding the red flags of your relationship. In this episode, we’re talking about lying about your relationship to impress other people. If you need to make up stories about your partner to impress others, it could indicate you don’t feel they are actually good enough for you.
If you have a really good relationship, you just live in the moment and just experience it. You wouldn’t need to be spending your time telling people about it in person or on social media. This behavior makes other people feel bad because you make your relationship habits feel unattainable.
Bragging is one thing. Bragging is when the behavior actually happens. Lying is what usually takes place when you’re trying to impress others, from how little you fight in your relationship to how often you have sex. Funnily enough, the number one person who will reveal the truth will be your partner because they often don’t even know about the lie you have told others.
If your partner truly is awesome, generous, and great in the sack, don’t advertise it. Just enjoy it. If you announce it, you could flaunt it to someone who wants what you’ve got and end up getting robbed of it. Your lies come with a warning label, so be smart about what you say about your partner.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When people drop their friends as soon as they get in a relationship. It’s one of the most self-centered things you can do to a friend. You can’t expect the friend to be there for you when the relationship ends. If someone thinks they can exit your friendship without any thought for you, they don’t deserve you.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
Today's topic is Part Two. If You Need to Lie About Your Relationship to Impress Others, Don’t.
Lis:
Don't. We see through you.
Marlee:
Well, we do, but I will tell you why I think part two is super important for us to talk about. In the first part, we talked about sort of like the red flags of where if you have to lie about your relationship, because you're ashamed, embarrassed, scared of people knowing the truth.
Lis:
Of course, yeah.
Marlee:
It means it's not a healthy situation for you. Now, I'm going to argue that if you need to lie about your relationship to others, don't because it's not healthy for other people.
Lis:
I have a lot of feelings on this.
Marlee:
Oh, okay. I want to hear it. But here's the deal. Overall, if you need to make up things about your partner, your relationship, to impress other people, then first of all, you are with the wrong person because obviously they're not good enough in your mind.
So why are you wasting their time? But also, why are you trying to like make everybody else's lives, their romantic lives in particular, miserable, right? I mean, because listen, we're human right? We're human least. What do we do? How do we figure out if a relationship is good or bad? We compare. Ourselves,
Lis:
Compare and contrast. Oh Absolutely.
Marlee:
And we try and figure out is obviously you have your own personal feelings whether the relationship is a good fit and is satisfying, but you cannot help but compare. Right? I mean, am I guilty of this? I do it.
Lis:
Of course. Marlee, this is the entire world of social media.
Marlee:
Oh yes.
Lis:
No, it is. I mean, listen, this is Instagram and Facebook.
I mean, it's a highlight reel of people's insecurities because really they're posting the things that are potentially like that they think are going to get the most likes. Right? So, it's become this horrible cycle of like looking through your feed to see what other people are doing that you don't have.
Marlee:
The perfect first date, the perfect proposal, the perfect honeymoon vacation…
Lis:
The perfect family vacation. I mean, I can barely get my kids out of sweatpants. So let's be honest. When I see all of these button down khakis I'm like, you guys are failing me.
Marlee:
Damn, those khakis. Listen, I feel the same way. I do not understand the need to brag about your relationship, because I think if you have a really good relationship, you just experience it.
You know what I mean?
Lis:
You live in the moment.
Marlee:
Yes, you live in the moment. Thank you. If you have to tell everybody else about it, whether on social media, even you and I have had this experience. We're having conversation with several women and a topic comes up, it can be the most neutral topic. Like let's say something as simple as, oh, I don't know…
Something always comes up with all of us ladies, the bedroom, right?
Lis:
I don't know that that's that neutral.
Marlee:
Okay. But yes. Ok, fine. It does. It’s not as neutral as I thought, but it's a topic that a lot of women will talk about with each other. What's going on in the bedroom. So here's the deal. You can lie to impress other people.
And I've had that a lot. I know that if I'm talking with other women and they're like, so how often do you guys have sex? Right? And I'm just honest. I will always get the women who will just sort of be like, damn, me too. And I'll have other women who just lie, lie, lie, lie, lie. I mean, their stories are fantastical.
They really are. You know, it's like the women bring it up.
Lis:
Oh, ok.
Marlee:
You know, they're, they're like, oh yeah, no, we do it every morning and like every night and twice on Saturday. And I'm like, I call bullshit. No you don't.
Lis:
Oh my gosh.
Marlee:
I'm like, no you don't. No. Maybe when you were like 19 and you first met.
Like that first six months, that honeymoon era of your relationship.
Lis:
They were the glory days. Let’s be honest.
Marlee:
But do not tell me your middle-aged ass is having sex five mornings a week.
Lis:
Oh my God.
Marlee:
Before you're dealing with like going to work or getting kids ready? I don't believe it.
Lis:
Nope.
Marlee:
Okay. So I'm thinking to myself, why are you lying? I mean, listen, if you in fact are one of those people that has a very active libido, okay, and you have a lot of the old sex-olas. Good for you, but I do not think that is the norm.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
And I think that, I know that whenever people say those things to me, it makes me feel bad.
Because I am not a five-times a week, twice on the weekend type of gal.
Lis:
All I can think about is all the calories you'd be burning? I mean, you could definitely go downstairs…
Marlee:
Let me tell you something. That's a myth. I don't believe that. That's nonsense.
Lis:
Don't take away that lie for me.
Marlee:
That's the only way your husband gets any, is you're like, oh, it's exercise. Okay.
Lis:
Oh, come on sweetheart, let's go work out in the bedroom.
Marlee:
There you go. It's a great thing to say to your kids. Yes, but, but you get what I mean. Like I personally then think to myself, damn, am I a bad wife?
Am I a bad partner?
Lis:
Because you're not putting out?
Marlee:
Well, it is not as much as I used to. Right?
But do you see what I mean? And then I'm thinking to myself, why would that person say that? Are they trying to make me feel bad?
Lis:
Well, I would think twofold. I would think yes, probably a little bit to make you feel bad, but also probably to make themselves feel good.
Or feel like they've given you something almost unattainable and beat that Marlee.
Marlee:
Like, yeah. And I'm sort of like, okay, you win. I mean, it's like I can't have sex twice on Saturday.
Lis:
Because I'm carpooling to 17 basketball games.
Marlee:
That's right. Thank you. So that's one thing where I feel like bragging can, again, I'm not even going to say bragging, I'm going to say lying.
Because to me, bragging is, it's like something you actually do or have.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
But you're just telling everyone. Versus I'm saying you don't actually do this stuff , but you're claiming that you do.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
In your relationship. Oh, another one that I hate. Oh, we never fight. I fight with my husband.
It is normal to fight in a relationship.
Lis:
It is normal.
Marlee:
Every relationship I've ever been in Lis, I have fought with my partner and it is normal, and the people are like, oh, we never fight.
Lis:
Then you don't have an opinion.
Marlee:
It's either that or you're lying, you’re lying.
Lis:
Well, of course, But like, I mean, when you say that and when people do like make those kind of lies, you look at them like they're insane.
Marlee:
That's right. And you're in a very, I agree. You're in a very unbalanced relationship.
Lis:
I'm sorry, I say you're vanilla. Like you have zero opinions in life. You just go along with everything your husband says.
Marlee:
Or else you're letting somebody completely control you.
Lis:
So when I hear people lie like that, I'm like, well, I'm sorry for you.
Marlee:
No, that's right. And I can also say to you that I think people lie about how much their partners appreciate them. Where again, I'll use like the old anniversary because again, I think for a lot of people, as you're in a relationship longer and longer, anniversaries and birthdays, sometimes people forget.
I'm guilty of it.
Lis:
I'm guilty too.
Marlee:
Yay. Yay. I knew we were friends for a reason. Yes. Exactly. I sometimes forget, and as a result I maybe not as prepared as I should be on the big day, but I will admit that not only to my spouse, but also to like my friends or my family, I'll be like, yeah, I know I dropped the ball.
I won't sit there and then make out like I did this big giant over the top gesture. And again, I think for a lot of people they will say this over the top gesture that their partner supposedly did for them. And then you think, oh my God, why doesn't my partner do that for me? Am I not good enough or did I not marry the right person?
Or am I not with the right person? But then this is the thing. So, ladies, I need you to understand this. The number one person who reveals your lies, the man. Oh, because men talk and they'll say the truth because they're too stupid to go along with the lie
Lis:
Or they didn't even know you told the lie.
Marlee:
That's right.
Either they don't even know. Or if they were present while you were lying, guess what? They weren't listening. So they're not even going to back you up. I can't tell you how many times, Lis, I have experienced this, where I have had somebody bragging to me about something or lying. Okay. Again, remember I'm saying not bragging, lying to me about something in their relationship.
I will of course go and mention to my husband like, huh, why don't you do that? Like this person does that. And he'll be like, she's lying. And I'll be like, how do you know? He'll be like, Ugh. Her husband just told me what went down. That's a lie. And everything I'll be like, it is? And he's like, yeah, her husband didn't remember the anniversary.
She went and bought this stuff for herself.
Lis:
I was going to say, you planned it yourself so now all of a sudden you've gotten everything you wanted, right?
Marlee:
Yeah, exactly.
Lis:
Oh my gosh.
Marlee:
So I do think, and then there's another element about the lying that I also think is harmful to others.
Not only do I think it makes people feel bad and question their own relationships, that could be completely healthy and well-balanced. The other thing, and follow me and I'll go back to like the sex or the gifts type of deal. If you lie too much about how thoughtful or generous your partner is or how awesome they are in the sack, you do realize you're just planting seeds for other people to think, huh, maybe I should get that person.
Is that right? Think? No. Think about it.
Lis:
No, I think about it my head immediately as you say that, I'm like, good luck, Buddy, because you're not getting that big anniversary or the big penis.
Marlee:
Exactly.
Lis:
Like jokes on you.
Marlee:
I know, but you get what I mean though.
Lis:
I know I do.
Marlee:
It's like, and okay, but let's say, so first of all, yeah.
If you're lying and that person gets taken from you, it's like, well, haha. And the person who took them. But if in fact, what you're saying is true, okay, if in fact there is the big penis. Which is not the end all be all. It's what you do with it.
Lis:
But it does help.
Marlee:
Yes. And if in fact like they are very generous or thoughtful or romantic or loving or treat you with a lot of respect and equality in the relationship. Which again, I can see how other people would find desirable and they might want a partner like that, but that's why if you have all that, just enjoy it.
Don’t reveal it. You know what I mean? Don't advertise it. Cause it's the equivalent of like, if you got some great jewelry, enjoy it. Don't show it on social media. Don't like announce it to everybody. Because guess what? Someone's going to come and pull a Kim Kardashian on you. Right?
Lis:
God. I was just thinking that.
Marlee:
They're going to clock you over the head tie you up and rob you of it.
So I'm not saying not to have it, I'm just saying that human nature is to want what others have. And so if you are really flaunting something that's really awesome in a relationship. Do not be shocked if then other people start saying, huh, I think I deserve that and I'm going to go for that person.
This is just a warning.
Lis:
You've just put a warning label on your lies.
Marlee:
Yeah. So I'm just saying be smart about what you say about your partner and again, I have to say that you might end up burning yourself because you could have a perfectly great relationship. And if you keep telling these lies about your partner because you're trying to impress other people and you're trying to make them seem like they're better looking, better in the sack, richer, smarter, more romantic, you are demeaning who they actually are and don't think that's not going to come back and haunt you because it will.
Lis:
Bite you in the butt.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time again when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When People Drop Their Friends as Soon as They Enter a Relationship.
Lis:
Ah, so Savage.
Marlee:
Yeah. Okay. This is a personal pet peeve of mine because I have experienced this.
I have not done this to someone, but I've had it done to me.
Lis:
Oh, okay. Well, you know what? You take this one because I'm curious to see what you have to say about this.
Marlee:
Okay. All right. One of the most self-centered things you can do to a friend. It happens a lot. And then they expect you to be there for them when the relationship ends.
Lis:
Oh, yeah. Cleaning up those broken pieces. Yeah,
Marlee:
Right. Super disrespectful.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
A huge violation of the boundaries of the friendship. I think it should be a red flag to the person that's dating this individual.
Lis:
Ooh. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah.
Marlee:
I think it's a sign of a highly insecure person. The individual that drops you as a friend lacks total self-awareness.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
If they can't figure out how insulting it is. I think it could even be a sign of an abusive relationship if the friend cuts you off if they don't have a pattern of it. Okay.
Lis:
Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marlee:
But if they keep doing it, I don't think it has anything to do with the individual they're dating. I think it's a problem with them.
Lis:
Oh yeah, for sure. Sure. Okay.
Marlee:
I think that it signals that they're a Fairweather friend. And you need to end the toxic relationship with them. And I also think it signals that this person absolutely takes you for granted and doesn't respect you if they think that they can just enter in and out of your relationship.
Lis:
Walk all over you.
Marlee:
Yeah. Without any thought to your feelings. So those are mine.
Lis:
Man. All right. Okay.
Marlee:
Let me hear yours.
Lis:
I'm going to take a slightly different spin on this to a degree. So it's not personal, it's human nature. We've been programmed to think that romantic love is superior to friendship. Some people just can't juggle both a romantic relationship and a friendship at the same time.
Marlee:
Oh, come on.
Lis:
They feel pulled in too many directions. It's the true, okay. Everyone's at different stages of their life despite being even the same age. So, you could live out of your house with a partner, but a lot of friends are single and still living at home. So like you think about it, like from that capacity.
Marlee:
Okay.
Lis:
It's just you're at different stages. So sometimes friendships just naturally kind of shift and change, and maybe your single friend is still really like wanting to go out all the time, and that's just not where you're at in your current stage of life.
Marlee:
Interesting. Okay. Food for thought.
Lis:
That said sometimes the main issue is time.
There just isn't enough of it to go around. And so you're picking, so you're correct. You are picking your romantic partner over your friend. You're making a choice. Two things can be true at once. I want my friend to be happy and in love, but I don't want my friend to leave my life.
So I think that that's really important because being on the other side of it, when you see your friend being happy and in love, you want that for that person.
Marlee:
Right.
Lis:
But you're taking kind of like the crappy end of the stick and being kind of lost by your friend. So it's not a fair thing because you want them to be happy.
Marlee:
Okay. You are enlightening me and making me feel like a severe jerk.
Lis:
No, I think so at all. Cause I think being on either side of this is like a really, it's a traumatic thing. It can be a traumatic thing for both sides of the friendship. Okay. And then I have one more. Some friendships are only meant to be for a short period of time in your life.
Even if they were the greatest people come in and out of our lives for different reasons. So I don't think anybody's a jerk. I think it's a really hurtful experience to be on the side where you feel like you're getting left behind, and I think it's probably equally as painful for the person that is in this new relationship.
[00:15:39]
But if you think back to the times that you've been in a new relationship and how exciting and almost like selfish you become with that time…
Marlee:
Right.
Lis:
Other people just get put to the back burner. And it's a mistake because those friendships that are in your life are so important to the core of who you are.
But it's almost as though you just don't see it.
Marlee:
Dang, Lis. I mean, you have Romancipated me girl. Wow. I mean…
Lis:
This was a good one. This was a really good topic.
Marlee:
You know this really was, you've given me a lot of food for thought. Thank you.
Lis:
Same.
Marlee:
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com.
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