S2 Episode 7: Part 1: If You Need to Lie About Your Relationship, Run Away!
Episode Summary
No relationship is perfect. Every person has experienced frustration, anger or sadness in relation to their romantic partner. However, there is a big difference between normal conflict, and bad behavior that consistently compels you to lie about your partner and your relationship.
Maybe you’re embarrassed with how your partner treats you, or feel ashamed about an addiction or abusive behavior. Regardless of what it is, lying to friends, family and co-workers is not helping you or your partner. Moreover, chances are the people in your life see the truth even if you think they are unaware of what is happening in your relationship.
If you find yourself making up stories or excuses about your relationship, it is time to end things because the relationship is not a good fit for you. Love is never enough. Every relationship has its highs and lows. When your relationship is based on mutual respect, trust, communication and admiration there is no need to hide the truth.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss when a person fakes an orgasm with their partner.
Show Notes
Are you hiding something about your partner from your family, friends, or coworkers? This is typically not a good sign. If they are doing something you’re ashamed or scared of—to you or to someone else—it’s a red flag. Lying to others is doing a big disservice to yourself.
No relationship is perfect, but if you ever get stuck thinking “this is as good as it’s going to get,” it might be time to exit the relationship. Sometimes the situation is as bad as it seems, no matter how much you try to dismiss or ignore it. You can’t keep up this facade forever, because if you do, you back yourself into a corner.
Your family and friends may see or suspect what’s going on, even when you cover for your partner. You should feel okay to seek out help if you need it. The behavior you are willing to accept has been ingrained in you to some degree from an early age, which means we can normalize unhealthy behaviors and habits.
Romancipation is about empowering you to find the relationship that’s a good fit for you. The second you don’t feel you are being treated how you want to be treated, it’s time to end it. If you feel you have to lie to manifest the relationship as you think it should be, it’s a sign this is not the right relationship for you.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When people fake an orgasm with their partner. This only serves to perpetuate your partner’s misconceptions about what they bring to the bedroom. It does a disservice to both you and your partner. It’s a sign that you’re tired and want to go to sleep, or that you’re afraid to be honest with your intimate partner.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
Today's topic, If You Need to Lie About Your Relationship, Run Away.
Lis:
Yeah, you definitely need to run away.
Marlee:
So we are in agreement?
Lis:
We agree. Yeah.
Marlee:
Perfect. I really believe very strongly if you need to hide something about your partner from family, friends, or coworkers, it is a very bad sign.
Lis:
It's a huge red flag.
Marlee:
Thank you. I absolutely agree. I think that if your partner is doing something to you that either embarrasses you, you're ashamed of, you're scared of , and they don't even have to do it to you. They might be doing it to somebody else. It might just be like their own behavior, say like an addiction to porn or drugs or something.
If you lie about it, to protect them because you don't want people to look at them poorly or you need to lie about it to protect yourself because you don't want people to think you have poor judgment, or why are you staying with this person? Or why would you take that kind of behavior?
You know what I mean? You are doing a huge disservice to yourself.
Lis:
Huge. I think that so many people get caught in cycles of what they think a relationship is supposed to be. We've seen so many of those movies, and I know we've talked about this before. It's like this perfect relationship. And the second that you realize your relationship is not perfect, which let's be honest, not many of them are.
Marlee:
All relationships aren't perfect.
Lis:
No relationships are perfect just because no person is perfect.
Marlee:
Exactly.
Lis:
And the second that you get caught into that cycle of thinking, maybe this is really how it's supposed to be, or this is as good as it's going to get. Do you have friends that get stuck in these relationships and start spewing out things and telling you, oh, this is so great.
Meanwhile you've had dinner with them and you hear their partner like totally slamming them like, oh, she sucks at cooking, or different things that she's not doing. Right.
Marlee:
Right.
Lis:
You know the undertone of that conversation definitely carries over into the house. But yet the second you have a conversation, you're like, oh my God, he's so amazing.
I love him so much.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Like, he's perfect. He brings me flowers.
Marlee:
And you're thinking. Are you crazy?
Lis:
When I'm like, I would've bitch-slapped him across the table.
Marlee:
Yes. So true. I have had that experience too many times with friends, and this is exactly what I'm talking. So, here's my question.
Are they lying to us? Are they lying to themselves? Or is it both?
Lis:
I think it's a combination of both. Well, because some people start to believe their own lies, right?
Marlee:
Right.
Lis:
Like you start to get into this cycle where you're like, well, maybe it's not as bad as I think it is. Or maybe that wasn't such a big deal.
And so you start to kind of tread water on that a little bit and it's almost a self-preservation, but at the same time, then it's kind of hard to not keep up that facade with your friends because you've already like laid it out there and people would be looking at you thinking, Was she mental like that?
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
She's telling us one thing that’s wrong.
Marlee:
No, I think that you end up backing yourself into a corner so to speak.
Lis:
You do.
Marlee:
Because once you are saying this person is great, but you know that your friends are seeing a temper, or disrespect or maybe even something abusive.
I think that when you cover it up with lies and you try and make it out, like everything is all great. Everything is wonderful. She's wonderful, he's wonderful. We're super happy. I think you are setting yourself up, first of all, to not seek out help if you need it because then you feel like somebody's…
Lis:
You don't deserve it.
Marlee:
Well, almost like you're crying wolf, right? Because people will be like, wait a second, you're telling me this guy is abusive to you and you need my help. But two months ago, you were telling me he was the most romantic, wonderful person in the world. What's the truth? And so, I do think that people not meaning to get themselves backed into a corner, find themselves backed into a corner, it becomes this almost vicious cycle.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
Where they end up absolutely creating more lies to cover up the bad behavior of their partner or the personality issues, or the miscommunication or the abuse or whatever it may. But as it's all building up, they're looking for a way to get out. I hope. But they don't really know how to get out because they have to then come clean and say, here's the deal.
When I told you he was great, I lied and I'm embarrassed and I'm ashamed and I need help. And how many people are willing to do that?
Lis:
I think it's a really hard thing to do. And I will say, I actually think that a lot of those things start from a really early age.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And from witnessing those kind of things, potentially at home or how family members have treated each other.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
And the lies that maybe you've seen your parents kind of talk through or tell.
Marlee:
Absolutely. Listen, if you see daddy being an asshole to mommy, but then you hear mommy telling grandma how great daddy is, what a wonderful marriage they have, well, then you're going to think, huh? Okay, so being called a lazy bitch is normal.
It's a good marriage. That means it's a good thing. So, yeah, I absolutely think that this can start very early on where people learn these sorts of behaviors.
Lis:
And habits.
Marlee:
Absolutely. It's interesting because part of what we talk about with Romancipation least is this ability to free yourself from other people's desires for you, or what they think a relationship should be, and it's really about empowering you to find a relationship that's a good fit for you.
And so I would really stress that if you feel the need to lie to protect your partner because you think they're going to be judged. Or you need to lie to protect yourself because you think you and your partner are going to be judged, even if your partner doesn't give a crap what anybody thinks. You really need to recognize that is not a healthy dynamic.
It's not good for you, and it's not good for your partner because it may be that your partner's completely fine with the way they are and they don't want you to lie on their behalf. And that's just going to cause extra tension and problems if they find out that you said they did something they didn't do, or that you felt a gesture that they did for you, say, on the anniversary wasn't as romantic, maybe they brought you lilies and you told everybody that they bought you roses and chocolates and perfume.
You know what I mean? And they're like, what? The lilies weren't good enough. So, it can create problems in your relationship if you lie, but I also think when you're trying to overcompensate because you feel people see the cracks in the relationship, so you're trying to like cover them by saying, oh, this person does all these wonderful things.
Or you justify or rationalize, you're not doing yourself a service, you're not doing that other person, your partner, a service. And I really do think you're creating a house of cards that is eventually just going to come tumbling down.
Lis:
Marlee, you made such a good point because I love that you said Romancipation is all about freeing yourself from that past expectation of what it should be.
Lis:
Owning who you are and what your needs are is so important. And the second that you don't feel as though you're being treated, like you really want to be treated in a relationship, it's time to end it. And if you have to lie in order to manifest what you think it should be, that's a sign right there that this is not the right relationship for you.
Marlee:
Yeah. And also, listen, if your friends or family, or coworkers are noticing things and they're sort of questioning your relationship. You have to ask what's their motivation? Hopefully your friends and your family, I don’t know so much about your coworkers, but hopefully your friends and your family really care about you and they want what's in your best interests.
And so if they're kind of questioning the relationship you have with your partner, don't get defensive, don't feel the need to lie. Like the example you gave, if you're at dinner and you see somebody be really disrespectful to their partner. And you're thinking, I would absolutely like punch that sucker in the face if he spoke to me that way.
Lis:
Right. If he did that to me. Yeah, absolutely.
Marlee:
There is nothing wrong with that friend being concerned for your well-being and then sitting you down and saying, hey listen, I think sometimes your partner speaks to you in a very disrespectful manner. How do you feel about? And if you then lie and are like, oh no, he just had a really bad day at work…
Lis:
He had day, that is it right there.
Marlee:
And you know, he never does that. That was like just this totally unique situation. I mean, listen, if in fact that's the truth, then fine, say the truth. We all have our off days, right?
Lis:
I have had my off days.
Marlee:
Oh, absolutely. But if it's a pattern of behavior, don't lie on that person's behalf because I'm telling you right now, your friends and your family, they see the truth.
They see through it. You can only keep that fake facade up for so long before they see through it. And when they do see through it, trust me. If they're saying something, they're trying to give you a lifeline. They're trying to help you.
Lis:
Oh yeah, absolutely. That's such a great point.
Marlee:
So don't get defensive and be like, oh, you're just jealous of my relationship.
Or you just want us to not be happy. No. Well okay. There's always going to be that frenemie who doesn't actually want you to be happy. There's always going to be that interfering family member who's going to try and get in between you and your partner. I'm not telling you those people don't exist because they do.
There's a lot of them out there. But I am hoping there are a few people in your life that you trust, and if they start to say something or maybe ask some questions. Answer them honestly and recognize that if they are prying, it may be because they're just genuinely concerned for you and your well-being, and maybe they're seeing something maybe you even aren't seeing because you're so in love, or maybe because you know he's really good in the sack or something.
I don't know. But listen and don't lie.
Lis:
Well, because it also, it gives you an opportunity to self-reflect too, right?
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
So if you've got somebody that you really care about and they're coming to you and they're saying something just doesn't feel right with your relationship or with your partner, or how he's acting, or she's acting, even if you don't have to address it right in that moment, and you just kind of sit there and think about it, I bet nine times out of 10, all of the sudden puzzle pieces start to fit together.
And you're like, oh, you know what? I didn't recognize it that way, but now that they've kind of pointed it out, all of a sudden I'm like, man, you're right. Like he does come home and she does say that to me all the time, or he does do this.
Marlee:
Or he does have a porn addiction, or he does spend all our money on like comic books.
These are real things.
Lis:
The puzzle pieces that come together and you don't have to feel defensive. and listen, it's not even accusatory, but anytime somebody comes to you and addresses something in a serious way, it definitely puts your radar up, right? I mean, whether or not shields activated.
Marlee:
Exactly. I mean, you're going to get a little defensive, but I think you made a great point. Even if you don't have to respond in the moment, take the time to reflect. Take it in. Take it in, listen to what they're saying, and think about the fact that if you can't be honest about how your partner is treating, Then it's not a genuinely good relationship.
Lis:
It's not healthy.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When People Fake a Sexual Orgasm with Their Partner. All right, so do you want me to go first or do you want to go first?
Lis:
I'll take this one. I think that we're conditioned to believe that we should also have a happy ending, no pun intended. So sometimes we feel it's awkward if we don't, not just for us, but also for this person. Okay. I think we've just been conditioned that. Sometimes we're just tired and we just want it to be over.
We faked it that other time and now they think it comes really easily. ,
Marlee:
Right? Yep.
Lis:
A faked orgasm during sex only serves to perpetuate the other person's misconception that they've got some moves when they really don't.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Which will likely only not benefit the unlucky next person that they've fall into bed with.
Okay, so, sabotaging future relationships.
Marlee:
So, I love yours. Some of mine overlap with yours. When we say people and I have air quotes, yes, we mean women. Because while I have heard men claim they fake an orgasm, I'm like, how? Whatever. Yeah. So this is more a message to our female listeners, but, okay. So here mine, it is a disservice to you and your partner.
It helps perpetuate a stereotype that actually harms all women. It is a signal that the sexual aspect of your relationship needs a lot of work.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
In more ways than one. Sexual conversations, understanding, wants, needs, desires, likes, dislikes. All those things.
Lis:
You're right.
Marlee:
It's a violation of intimacy with your partner to mislead them.
Lis:
Ooh, you're a liar.
Marlee:
Yeah. No, really, it's…
Lis:
Yeah, I know. I get it.
Marlee:
It can be extremely hurtful, embarrassing, or angering if your partner finds out.
Lis:
Yeah. I mean, are you going to tell them?
Marlee:
You know, fake, fake, fake, fake. It signals you're tired and want to go to sleep. I believe you said that one. It can also signal that you're afraid to be honest with your intimate partner.
Lis:
I think that's so true.
Marlee:
And I think that's a big deal.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
It's counterproductive to your own pleasure.
Lis:
That's right!
Marlee:
And your partner will never learn how to pleasure you if you are not honest with them. I can't stress this enough. Faking an orgasm is a disservice to you, to your partner, and as you mentioned, Lis to any future partner that that individual has,
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Because you've given them this false sense of their sexual prowess and their abilities. And all you're doing is harming everybody. Instead, like I've stated before, everyone is teachable. Use the time and energy to actually teach your partner how to give you an orgasm. And guess what? If you don't know how to give yourself an orgasm, you need to do some studying.
Lis:
Oh, there's a lot of toys up there.
Marlee:
Yeah, you need to figure it out. You really do because life is too short to not experience pleasure.
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast or to learn more about us visit www.romancipation.com.
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Let Apple know that great listeners like you enjoy our show and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again and stay Romancipated.