S6 Episode 6: Opposites May Attract but They Eventually Repel
Episode Summary
It is natural to be attracted to a person with views, behaviors and personality traits that are different than our own. However, there is a difference between attraction and the ability to sustain a long-term relationship. Initially it will be exciting and new, until the differences create tension in the relationship.
Humans tend to be drawn to those that look like them and share their belief systems and behaviors. While it is possible to be in a successful relationship with a partner who is dissimilar, there will be challenges that will need to be overcome. Empathy becomes a critical aspect of these types of relationships because it helps each person see the other’s perspective.
As we age, we want harmony in a relationship. Conflict will only lead to resentment and a loss of intimacy. The more two people share in common, the easier it will be to work together in a partnership, especially during difficult times. Being on the same page aids in the building of trust, respect and acceptance.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how offensive is when a partner tells you “no offense” before they insult you.
Show Notes
Do opposites really attract in romantic relationships? Initially they might, but eventually they repel. For that reason, opposites should avoid getting together. When you’re opposites in many ways or have different world views based on your life experiences, it can cause unnecessary tension in your relationship.
In the beginning, when you connect with a person who’s the opposite of you, it can feel exciting and interesting. But as time goes on, the things you were attracted to can become exhausting to you. You should look for someone aligned with you on spending habits, social habits, sexual habits, and more.
When you enter into a relationship, find someone who has the same values and lifestyle as you if you’re thinking long term. With the rise of social media and dating apps, it’s become even easier to find more like-minded people. This can help you avoid future irritation and discomfort that opposites have a higher potential to confront in their relationship.
In our society, we romanticize the idea that opposites attract. We’re fascinated by finding qualities in others we may not see in ourselves. However, you can be drawn to something initially and recognize later down the line that these qualities set you apart more than they tie you together.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When your partner says “no offense” after insulting something. Why do people think saying “no offense” mitigates their insensitive insults? It means they know you’ll be offended, so what’s the point? If you mask your honesty with this tactic, it can hurt your relationship. It’s better to keep it to yourself or speak more directly.
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Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it! This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating, and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve. It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
On today's episode, Opposites May Attract, but They Eventually Repel.
Lis:
This is a great topic.
Marlee:
Yeah, no, I like this one. I'm about to say something probably very unpopular, but I truly think that opposites should not get together.
Lis:
Oh, you've like just, like, ripped that BandAid. Okay.
Marlee:
Yeah, because while they might initially be drawn to one another, I do think that when you have opposites, and I mean opposites in all different aspects of who you are. It can be opposite personality types, the introvert versus the extrovert. It can be people that are opposite in terms of habits, sexual habits, spending habits, sleep habits, levels of cleanliness they like to live by.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Differing political views, societal and cultural views, religion and ethnicities, and even people with different levels of attractiveness or body types.
Lis:
You're just going for it.
Marlee:
Or levels of education, age, socioeconomics. I do think that when you have people that are at the opposite spectrum of a lot of these incredibly important aspects to who you are…
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
While it might initially be interesting.
Lis:
Or exciting.
Marlee:
Or exciting to be drawn to somebody that is different than you.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
I think ultimately, we are very tribal individuals and as we age, we tend to want to be surrounded by people that are like minded.
Lis:
Right, okay.
Marlee:
And when you have really different worldviews, because you come from such different life experiences, it often creates unnecessary tension or conflict.
Lis:
I think that's fair, but I will say that for me, when I'm thinking of opposites, I feel as though as long as your core values are kind of intact. I feel like as long as you match up on the core value and the core piece of it the other things can kind of like work themselves out. Like, that's just how I've always felt.
Marlee:
I think that's a fair argument. And in some situations, that's exactly what happens.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
But I don't think that is as common as people like to think. So for example, you take the introverted personality versus the extroverted personality.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
The initial attraction might be, let's say the extroverted personality is like, wow, this individual is such a great listener.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
You know, they just, they listen, they hear me. When the fact is, the introverted person just can't really get a word in edgewise. You know what I mean?
Lis:
You’re right.
Marlee:
It's not necessarily that they're such good listeners. It's more that they just don't feel as emboldened to share so much or to put themselves out there.
Lis:
Right. And the extrovert can't stop talking.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
He wants to hear himself talk.
Marlee:
The whole way you get defined as introverted or extroverted is very much based on do you get your energy from either being around a lot of people, that's an extrovert, or do you get drained from being around a lot of people, that's an introvert.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
So, I want you to imagine those two personality types coming together. In the beginning, it might be kind of interesting. Maybe the introverted person is like, Oh, my extroverted significant other is pushing me into social situations that I normally wouldn't have been comfortable with and I'm glad I'm being exposed. But, as you and I both know, as time goes on, it starts to wear on you.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Something that you initially may have found attractive or interesting or exotic.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
All of a sudden, you realize, this is not a good fit.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
It's not comfortable for me.
Lis:
I'm exhausted, exactly. I'm sick of pulling this person out to do all these things.
Marlee:
Exactly. That's right. I don't want to always go to parties.
Lis:
I’m missing out. Right.
Marlee:
I don't want to always have a conversation. Sometimes I just want to sit alone and read a book, or I just want to watch TV or listen to music and be by myself. So that's my point, is if you have a couple, and one person loves going out and always being around other people, and another person doesn't, that's ripe for conflict.
Lis:
Right. You’re right.
Marlee:
That's ripe for creating feelings of resentment.
Lis:
No, I think you're right.
Marlee:
That's an example of what I'm talking about. Spending habits. Sexual habits. You have somebody who wants to fuck like a rabbit all the time. You have somebody who has a lower libido.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
You think that's not going to create conflict? Of course it is.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Spending habits. You have a person who likes to save, who likes to hoard. You have another person that likes to live life to the fullest and spend every cent. Again, we know that's going to create conflict. It's going to create issues in the relationship. Cleanliness. Sleep habits. You and I have talked about both these things.
Lis:
Oh yeah.
Marlee:
Relationships can get into huge battles if people don't get enough sleep.
Lis:
Those sleep divorces are a real thing.
Marlee:
They are! A night owl versus an early bird. A person who is really messy versus an individual who's really neat.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Okay, these are real personality aspects that can create conflict.
Lis:
You’re right.
Marlee:
I want people to recognize that. Different political views. Hello? We have seen what that has done. It's torn apart relationships.
Lis:
Oh well, yeah.
Marlee:
Different cultural views. What about societal views? Okay, views on abortion, birth control, religion. Imagine if you have very differing views on that and you get together, and then you have children.
Lis:
Well, but let me ask you this. Do you feel as though social media and online dating have actually, in a way, made it a bit easier to find like mindedness? I feel like, as you're creating your profile, I think you get to kind of check off all these boxes. And so, I do feel like, it's not quite the same as when we were dating. I feel like, you know, we went into a bar, and it was like the guy that talked to you. Now, it's almost as though you kind of control your own, in a way, you control your own destiny, like you get bucketed with people that are more like minded in certain ways.
Marlee:
But I think a lot of people lie.
Lis:
You're able to filter, well, that's for sure, you're right. But I feel like you're able to filter out certain things from the get go, right? Like if you know for sure that you are Catholic and you only want to date somebody that's Catholic, or you know that you're Jewish and you only want to date somebody that's Jewish, there's ways that you can kind of meet people at least like-minded from a top-level type of, well, I mean, that's not really top-level, that’s religion.
Marlee:
Well, so all your doing is making my argument though, that opposites, you know, they eventually repel.
Lis:
No, but that’s what I am saying. I think it has almost become easier. Right. No, I am making your argument, but I think that it is easier to find like-minded people through social media than when you have to, like, kind of figure out all the ways that you're opposite later on, right?
Marlee:
Yeah, I know. I mean, I guess, yes, I guess maybe with social media and online dating, you do have the potential to find more like-minded people, but again…
Lis:
But I don't feel like you're going in there and having like…
Marlee:
You're making my argument though that this whole idea that opposites attract. I think it's a very romanticized idea.
Lis:
It is.
Marlee:
But in reality, I don't think that a lot of long-term relationships are successful when people are coming from opposing views or life experiences. Even when you were saying if people share the same core values, okay?
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
I'll give you an example. You can share the same core values as your partner and be different races. I can tell you that a person of color is going to experience the world and how they are treated in the world very differently than a Caucasian person.
Lis:
Point made.
Marlee:
So even if they share the same values, how they're treated by the outside world and even by one another without even recognizing that maybe they're doing some type of microaggression, it can create conflict in the relationship. It can create discomfort. It can create a lack of empathy because they're coming from such different life experiences.
Lis:
Great point.
Marlee:
We talk all the time about men and women and how men often cannot see a woman's perspective.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And it's because they come from such a different life experience. They don't get it. They don't understand what a lot of the things that women do experience on a daily basis. They might intellectually understand it, but they don't experience it.
Lis:
You're right.
Marlee:
And so that's the kind of stuff that I'm talking about. What you or I might consider as entertaining or a funny comment, another person might see as an insult.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And it might be very culturally based. And so it doesn't matter if we share the same core values as them.
Lis:
You're right.
Marlee:
It still would be a reason for a conflict. I had mentioned different body types, levels of attractiveness, levels of education, age, socioeconomics. Again, when you're coming from very big differences, it can create a lot of internal strife in the relationship, it can create jealousy, feelings of inadequacy, feelings of insecurity, it can make people feel judged, right?
Lis:
You're right. No, I'm sitting here, you're converting me. I feel like, yeah, I get it.
Marlee:
That's all I'm saying is that…
Lis:
It's such a romanticized thing.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Thinking that opposites attract.
Marlee:
And I do think that people also are very drawn to opposites because I think we are drawn to people that seem to have qualities that we don't have.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Because there's something interesting. There's something romantic about it. There's something fascinating about it. There's something exotic about it. There's something unusual about it. Right?
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
But you and I both know from experience that you can be drawn to something initially, but once you really get to know the person, you start to recognize, wow, the differences are too great for us to bridge.
Lis:
Yeah, once you start peeling back that onion, seeing all the different layers, it's all the layers together.
Marlee:
That’s right.
Lis:
I'm trying to like reiterate my thought process here. So it's not even just the core values, but as you're starting to peel back, all of those little differences also add up to make a long-term big difference in a relationship.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
So you could start off thinking, while we believe in all of the very same things, this is super important to me. But as your relationship continues, all of the little things start to like tick away and you realize that those things are not going to sustain your relationship long-term.
Marlee:
That’s right. Now, I'm not saying it's not possible to have a very fulfilling long-term relationship.
Lis:
Of course. Well, you have to be willing to compromise and be very willing to communicate.
Marlee:
Thank you. I was going to say that, that's right. You have to be incredibly empathetic.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
You have to be very good at communicating.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
You have to be very respectful of each other's boundaries. You have to be accepting.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
And most people just aren't.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
And that's where I get my argument. I also think that when you have opposites that come together, even if there’s internal issues, or those can be resolved or overcome, there's a lot of outside pressure that creates conflict because the outside pressure wants one partner to kind of conform in some way.
And I think that when you're feeling pressure to conform to the worldview or the belief system or the habits or hobbies or experiences of another person, again, resentment sets in. And as people get older, they just become more tribal. They're looking for people that think like them, that look like them, that act like them. That's where the internet has been very insightful. It shows how much people love those echo chambers. They are not looking for different points of view.
Lis:
You’re so right.
Marlee:
They're looking to have their own points of view and their own realities reinforced, whether their realities are based on truth or totally bonkers…
Lis:
Cuckoo.
Marlee:
But they are looking for somebody to rationalize, justify, validate…
Lis:
Validate, yes!
Marlee:
Reinforce what they believe.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
And I also do think that age plays a big factor.
Lis:
I think so too. I think that's good point.
Marlee:
When you're young, you want difference. When you're young, you're drawn to something different and new.
Lis:
It's exciting and dangerous, it's risky.
Marlee:
That's right, that's right. And I think as you get older, what you found interesting and fascinating and sexy and enticing becomes frustrating.
Lis:
Oh, I think so too. And you know…
Marlee:
And you lose your tolerance.
Lis:
You do. And so, I mean, you just proved the point that Paula Abdul was totally wrong the whole time. Opposites don't attract.
Marlee:
That's right. They repel.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When Your Partner Says, No Offense After Insulting Something.
Lis:
Oh my gosh, I really, really, really, really get frustrated by this.
Marlee:
Okay, well then, you know what, you go first. Let me hear what you have to say.
Lis:
Okay. Why do people think saying no offense mitigates the offensiveness of their insults?
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
“I was just kidding”. And “Gosh, you're so sensitive”. I feel like are trusted partners of the no offense phrase.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
So frustrating. When someone starts a sentence with “No offense, but” I feel like I need to stop them right there because clearly whatever they're about to share will offend me, or they wouldn't feel the need to tell me how to feel about something.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
If someone has to cloak honesty with, “I was just joking”, or “No offense,” to me, that's just deflecting being honest with another person or your partner. They're just really not worth having in your life. Because if you can't be open and honest and direct with somebody, but masking it by making them feel insecure or bad about something, to me, is not a quality relationship.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And masking spite or deflection with gaslighting taglines does not absolve the speaker or your partner. These are stupid phrases and to me feel like a declaration of war or like a big fight about to come.
Marlee:
Oh, okay. I like those. So, mine are going in a little bit of a different direction.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
Kind of same but kind of different.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
So, okay, mine are, if someone has to say no offense, it means they know that you will be offended or that they would be offended if someone would say it to them.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
So the question should be, what's the point? Why waste everyone's time and emotions by being thoughtless? Instead, speak to the person directly and let them know what's bothering you. If you have a complaint about their behavior, either keep it to yourself or find a productive way of letting them know that it violates your boundaries.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
I also think it's an attempt to cut you down or make you feel like they have the power in the relationship, right?
Lis:
Totally.
Marlee:
They get to determine what is deemed offensive or not.
Lis:
Ugh, yeah.
Marlee:
I think it's a passive aggressive behavior.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Instead of being direct and letting you know what is upsetting them, they choose to insult you. It's also a disrespectful cop out. Of course, they know what they've said is offensive, and they want you to be offended in hopes that you'll either be embarrassed, hurt, or conform to what they deem is appropriate.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
“No offense” is a phrase that can be so triggering and demeaning to a person, especially if they didn't perceive their behavior or comments as being offensive or disrespectful. I think it's a way to gaslight someone, like you said, and make them feel like they're the one to blame.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
I do not ever accept when somebody says, “No offense, but...” Like you said...
Lis:
No offense, but...
Marlee:
That instantly gets my back up. I also will not accept somebody trying to give me the, quote, truth. And like, they're going to educate me, and they don't want to offend me by like, educating me and showing me how incorrect I was. It makes me want to punch them.
Lis:
Totally.
Marlee:
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes, and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.Romantipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook.
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