S3 Episode 12: Never Base a Relationship Decision of Fear, Complacency or Guilt
Episode Summary
Fear, complacency or guilt should never be the driver of your romantic decisions. Too many relationships either begin or continue longer than they should because one partner is compelled to stay with the other person for the wrong reasons. Loneliness, desire for children, financial security, cultural, religious or societal obligations have a way of pressuring people into romantic relationships that are unhealthy and counterproductive to both individuals involved.
Every decision made in a relationship should be based on a realistic assessment of wants and needs. You may want to have children, but if it is with the wrong person ask yourself if it is worth it. If someone is pressuring you or guilting you to make a serious commitment that you are not ready for, practice self-preservation and do the difficult thing and walk away. The most thoughtful thing you can do for yourself and the other person is be honest and give each other the opportunity to find happiness.
Even if you are in a relationship with the right person, make sure to take an active role in how your life together develops. When major life decisions are directed by one partner and the other just goes along with it, eventually resentment takes hold. Complacency can seem like the path of least resistance in the moment but will eventually catch up to the overall health of the relationship.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how a partner’s eating habits can have a detrimental impact on your relationship.
Show Notes
When you make decisions in your relationship, you want to make sure you’re not basing those decisions on fear, complacency, or guilt. The decisions made from these places will lead to resentment, whether that’s resentment of yourself or your partner. You can’t let anyone push you into a decision that doesn’t feel right.
Women struggle with this issue more than men. Men generally seem less likely to feel guilt and to make decisions based on that feeling. A lot of women can relate to the experience of making decisions for these reasons, but another common reason is the fear of being alone. You may put blinders on if you feel like you’re on a time crunch to commit to a relationship.
It’s important to take a step back and understand that the decisions you make now will really impact your future. If the desire for children is putting you under pressure to find or stay in the wrong relationship, remember that technology has advanced far enough to make motherhood possible in new ways.
Complacency is another big one. It shows you’re just going along with whatever comes, and it’s not because you’re getting what you want, but because you’re tired of fighting for what you want. If it’s not beneficial to you or the relationship, it can create instant resentment.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When your partner’s eating habits make it difficult for you. It is beyond frustrating, and it has a huge impact on your daily lives as a couple. It’s annoying and it can become a point of contention if the diet impacts the person's mood or energy level. Whether it’s undereating, overeating, or the need to follow a very specific diet, you need to create boundaries and respect each other.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
Today's topic. Never Base a Relationship Decision on Fear, Complacency, or Guilt.
Lis:
I think that almost every single person I know has hit one of these, including myself.
Marlee:
Oh, I am so guilty.
Lis:
I've actually probably hit all three.
Marlee:
Yeah.
I am guilty of this. So never fear for me. Never complacency, but guilt. Oh my gosh. I think any relationship decision that comes from guilt, fear, or complacency will absolutely end in resentment on your part. I really do. And that is what happened to me.
Lis:
Resentful of yourself almost. Right? Resentful of the choices?
No, I was resentful of him. I was resentful of him. I'll tell you the story. This was a relationship that I had. I met a guy, we became really good friends. He was like that amazing best friend type of guy. The kind of guy that always knew the right thing to say when you were upset, made you feel like secure and comfortable.
I just really loved spending time with him.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
But I was not attracted to him. Do you know what I mean? Like he was cute, but he just wasn't like my style and I just didn't feel anything for him. And so even though we spent a lot of time together and people would always make comments like, oh, you guys would be such a cute couple, I would always think to myself, yeah, thanks.
Not interested. I see him in a more platonic way.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And as our friendship continued, our friend group started to put pressure on me. Do you know what I mean? About how, what a great guy he is and how much he likes me. And you know, it would be so amazing if the two of us got together on and on. And I resisted for a long time.
I really did.
Lis:
Well, was he putting pressure on you too? Like did you know he had feelings?
Marlee:
So I kind of got the sense he had feelings.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
But he never crossed that line.
Lis:
But he maybe had told other people?
Marlee:
Which he did. And I, well also when I was dating other people, right. He'd always kind of have that sad puppy, like face, you know, when we do like the recap of the date the next day.
Do you know what I mean?
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
He was always like, you could feel the energy if the date was good. He wasn't happy for me per se. If the date was bad. He thought that was awesome, so I kind of picked up on the fact that he might be interested.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
But yeah, it all came to a head when I actually had a party.
I ended up flirting with a really cute guy and he was watching me and he kind of just abruptly left the party. And another one of our friends came up to me and said, Hey, listen, he left because he just couldn't stand it anymore. And I was like, stand what? And he's like, he just couldn't witness you interacting with other guys, like flirting with other guys.
He's madly in love with you. I was like, oh my God. Like I thought he'd had a crush on me. Right. You know what I mean? Like maybe a little infatuation. I didn't think he was in love with me, and so I called him the next day. And I was like, we have to talk, and he gave me an ultimatum. He said, I have a choice that I can either become his girlfriend and we can date and see where it goes, or he can't be my friend anymore because it was too painful for him.
This is where I would say to younger Marlee, tell him to pound sand. Tell him, but I did not have the wisdom that I have now. Right. I was younger, Marlee, and I remember saying to him, can you let me think about it? And I remember calling some girlfriends and basically running through my options and I felt like my options were the following.
Number one, I could say no and our relationship would be over. And I really relied on this relationship. Like this was a really important relationship for me at the time, this friendship. Option two, I could date him and maybe things worked out and we'd become the happiest couple on Earth.
Lis:
Right. Maybe you totally changed your mind and fell madly in love with him.
Marlee:
Yeah. Maybe. Yep. Got it. That's right. Option three, we date, it doesn't work out and we end up at option one. Right. I mean, we are no longer hanging out, but at least I tried.
Lis:
You gave it a shot?
Marlee:
I gave it a shot. After reviewing those three options, I decided to go with option three.
Big mistake. Big mistake. I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
I thought he was cute. I was not attracted to him, and it ended up creating a huge amount of resentment.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
In me, because I really did feel that I was guilted into this relationship and the biggest lesson that I took from it, because I was in this relationship for two years.
We ended up living together. Cause I know, remember I am the cohabitator. I know. I know.
Lis:
You're like, come on, move in.
Marlee:
So we ended up living together. He was pushing for a more serious commitment and every time I'd stop and consider it, I just realized there's got to be something better for me.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
I don't know.
Like, I mean, he was great in that he met my emotional needs, but he didn't meet my physical needs. I wasn't like passionate about him. I wasn't really into him. And of course, my parents loved him, which right then and there made him less desirable to me. Exactly. But yeah, no, I just, I didn't think we had this future that is sort of where this idea came from for me.
I was also really resentful towards my friends for kind of putting me in that situation. I was resentful towards him. Now, in retrospect, yes, I was angry at myself for letting somebody push me into a decision that I knew wasn't going to be right.
Lis:
I feel like that story happens to so many people.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
And I feel like it happens more to women than it does to men. And I say that because I do feel like men are better at understanding and navigating friendships with women.
Marlee:
No, they don't have the guilt gene.
Lis:
They don't have the guilt gene. No, that's exactly it. And so they're able to be like, no, we're friends.
They'll be friends with benefits. But they don't necessarily tap into the emotion of it.
Marlee:
No, I was just going to say to you, they can only be friends with chicks that they don't want to have sex with. And it's not that they, aren't per se, attracted to them.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
I think it's that something happened where all of a sudden for the person that female moved from in this potential sex right zone to like, okay, never going to have sex zone.
But otherwise, I know a lot of people will disagree with me, but I am a firm believer that while women have these fantasies, that they can just have friendships with men and it doesn't mean anything. In my experience…
Lis:
It always means something…
Marlee:
For men.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Any man that's ever wanted to be friends with me in the beginning, it was always because they thought they were going to try and sleep with me.
Now, once they realized they weren't going to for whatever reason, or they realized we were better as friends, the friendship was able to develop, but they absolutely initiated any kind of friendship. And I put that in big old air quotes.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
You know, it was absolutely, they were looking to see if they could get laid.
I'm sorry, I just have to say that.
Lis:
No, I think that most people would probably agree with that. I wanted to circle back on the topic itself, because I think that was a really great story and I feel like when I heard the topic, immediately, mine went to getting into a relationship based on fear. This is not necessarily a personal story to me, but I've seen so many people and so many of my friends go through it, and I feel as though as we get older, we feel that our life should be a certain thing.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
We should have certain things in our life.
Marlee:
Yeah. I agree.
Lis:
And so I feel as though when I'm looking at this particular topic, I'm going back to all of my friends that have made decisions based on the fear of getting older and…
Marlee:
Or the fear of being alone.
Lis:
And that's exactly it. Yeah. The fear of being alone, the fear of not having kids in time, and they make decisions about relationships that they're in based on a clock rather than whether or not they really see something person.
Marlee:
The reality.
Lis:
Of this person, of the situation and then the partner put blinders on and all of a sudden, like anything bad that was happening in that relationship completely goes out the window.
Marlee:
Oh, they justify, they rationalize.
Lis:
Exactly, yes. You nailed it. And they've made such poor decisions, and those relationships have 100% ended.
And if they haven't, they're not in a very good position right now.
Marlee:
They're, they're heading down the drain.
Lis:
And it all stems back from the fact that they made choices based on fear that something wasn't going to happen in their life at the right time.
Marlee:
I do think that's incredibly common.
Lis:
I feel like people need to really take a step back and understand that there's a whole lot of tools out there now too, especially for women.
If having children is something that's super important to you. Technology and science has really made that into an easier thing. Like you don't have to make those choices. That's what I would tell somebody is that don't make a choice and a decision that's going to affect the rest of your life.
Marlee:
And the other person's life. The other person's life, if you, you're care about yourself or the other person.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
You’ve got to make relationship decisions based on legitimate reasons.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It can't just be, like you said, fear or guilt. And I think complacency is another big one. I think there's a lot of people
who stay in very unhappy situations because they don't fight. They're going…
Lis:
They're just going along.
Marlee:
Like, I can't tell you how many times I have heard from male friends where they're willing to go along with another child being added to the family. Not because they want it, but because they're just like, Ugh, I can't fight her anymore.
Fine. And I'm thinking to myself, are you kidding me? It's another human being fine. How could you just be complacent in that? Like, okay, you want to have another kid? Let's do it. I find that very strange, but it's very common.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
I feel like there's a lot of things that people buy that they know that they shouldn't.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
I think people have children, I think people move. I think there's a lot of things that people agree to that they really didn't want to do. That absolutely isn't beneficial to the relationship.
Lis:
Sure.
Marlee:
It tends to be very one-sided. It's only one person in the relationship that wants it, and I think it creates instant resentment.
Lis:
Well, do you feel like that's a complacency because they're going along with it. It's not something they really want, but they're not willing to stand up for what it is that they believe in?
Marlee:
Look, I think they won't take the personal responsibility that's necessary. I think that sometimes, you have to just own your actions, own your feelings, and if the relationship is no longer working out or what somebody else wants
you know, in the relationship, you're just not feeling, you owe it to yourself and you owe it to them to just be honest. Even if it's painful, even if by being honest or putting your foot down, it might end the relationship. I think that you need to do it. You owe it to yourself. You owe it to the other person, because the truth is also your partner will resent you so much if they ever discover that you didn't actually want the same thing.
Do you know what I mean? Especially if you end up in a big fight over it. And what always ends up happening is somebody said, well, I never wanted fill in the blank.
Lis:
You never told me that you didn't want it but you just keep going along. And it's terrible.
Marlee:
That’s right and it, and it makes the person, who maybe pushed something that they didn't even realize,
that you didn't agree with. Then they feel like assholes makes them feel devalued and like they're somehow maybe unworthy of love. Or why didn't you want to say, have the kid? Or why didn't you want to move for their career? Whatever it might be.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And I think that is huge in relationship. And yeah, I mean, listen, the whole guilt thing.
Because I did live it. Guilt is very powerful.
Lis:
Oh yeah.
Marlee:
But I also have to say this, I think guilt when it comes to decision making is a useless factor. You should never utilize when making a decision. I think guilt is good at making you self-reflect. I think it's good at giving you a sense of your own self-awareness.
And what responsibility you might have in something. But I think that the moment you make any kind of decision based on guilt. The decision is not coming from what you really want.
Lis:
Oh yeah. Oh, I'm coming charged on this one. Yeah. Oh, for sure.
Marlee:
I mean, it comes, comes from a place that is not helpful. It is not helpful.
And I think the same for fear. I think you brought up a great point about how a lot of people end up in relationships they probably shouldn't be in because they're so afraid of missing out on something. Or they're afraid of being alone. Again, no decision should ever be made based on fear because it colors your decision-making process.
It absolutely skews how you see reality in that your perception is damaged when fear becomes the focal point.
Lis:
Absolutely. That's right.
Marlee:
So I always say to people, never get together with somebody out of fear. Never make a major relationship decision out of fear. And don't break up out of fear unless it's fear for your safety.
Lis:
Of course, then absolutely.
Marlee:
Exit the relationship.
Lis:
Yes. Slam that door.
Marlee:
Leave go away. Because if your body and your instincts are saying to you, I am fearing for my safety or my children's safety, get out.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Don't even question that one.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships.
Today's topic, When Your Partner's Eating Habits Make It Difficult for You.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
Oh, this is an important one for me, so would you mind if I started?
Lis:
No, please go.
Marlee:
Okay. Thank you. To begin, it is beyond frustrating. It has a huge impact on your daily lives as a couple, especially if you travel or socialize with other people.
It can model unhealthy behavior for children that they end up copying. Whether it's vegetarianism, a vegan lifestyle, a special diet, overeating, or just picky eating, it can create resentment and conflict in the relationship. It can be embarrassing, especially if your partner is very adamant about their dietary choices.
I'm being serious here.
Lis:
I know. I'm just laughing because I see this all the time.
Marlee:
It can become a point of contention in the relationship. If the food-based behavior impacts the individual's mood or energy level, it can create unnecessary expense. It can create unnecessary health issues. Food is such an important part of life and relationships.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
If there's always tension around food, the relationship will have a lot of unnecessary dysfunction.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Food and emotional issues need to be separated out. There's an epidemic in this country and around the world that we as a society need to address.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It's costing huge sums of money and people's lives.
It can often feel like your partner is holding you and your family hostage because of their issues with food. And listen, I am talking about everything from like picky eating to specific diets to even people that are like trying to lose weight.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Who just aren't eating at all.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Or doing intermittent fasting, whatever.
I find it so frustrating because food is such a huge part of social interaction.
Lis:
It is.
Marlee:
And when people have these really unhealthy relationships with food. It just impacts the relationship in ways that I don't think enough people recognize. So those are mine.
Lis:
Those are fantastic. And actually, I felt like there were so many different directions we could go with this.
Even though you may not always be able to control your surroundings, you're ultimately in control of what items you choose to eat.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
So autonomy with a relationship is important. And that goes for food autonomy too. You don't have to like or do everything your partner does, and I think a lot of people start to transform or start to cook in a manner that is
conducive to their partner's eating habits.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And that leads to frustration.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Because if you have a wide-open palette and your partner doesn't, let's say, then it really starts to limit the things that you feel you can that's take in.
Marlee:
Right.
Lis:
Which is annoying. I kind of feel like there's like so many other ways, like what if your partner's eating habits are offensive?
Like bad manners or are chewing with their mouths open. And what if your partner has an eating disorder? I feel like all of those things kind of like tick and tie when you start to talk about food. So for me, it's all about boundaries. You make them, you agree to them and you respect them. We're separate from our partners, and you'll always be individuals with your own likes, dislikes, needs, goals and desires, and that includes food too.
Marlee:
Agree!
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released.
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