Most People Suck in the Sack: Is Sex on the First Date Worth it?

00:00

Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve. 

00:30

It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get romancipated. 

Marlee:

Today's topic. Most people suck in the sack. Is sex on the first date worth it? I have a lot of feelings on this. 

Lis:

I want to hear them. 

Marlee:

What do you think? 

Lis:

Well, I think, first off, I need to have some clarification because are we talking about sex on the first…

00:53

Marlee:

Sex is when the penis goes in… No, I'm just kidding. 

Lis:

Ok, thank you. Yeah, I was, I was confused on that. No, I'm just wondering like sex on the first date, meaning that you've already met this person or that you're just going to pick up some guy or a girl in a bar because…I think I need some clarification.

01:11

Marlee:

Great question. So I am not talking about a one night stand. A one night stand is two people that randomly meet, whether it's in a bar, on the, the apps where like, you know, they swipe. They're like, let's meet up. And the idea is the reason you are meeting up or hanging out is purely for a sexual encounter.

01:35

Lis:

Okay. Okay. Okay. Got it. That's, that's a whole other story. 

Marlee:

I truly, I've never had a one-night stand.

Lis:

I haven't either. 

Marlee: So I listen. No judgment, but for me, I think it's a very dangerous game to play. Yeah. So, we'll all, we'll just put that on the side. 

Lis:

We're going to side table that.

01:51

Marlee:

Perfect. No, what I am talking about is the first date. So for me that means there's already been the initial interaction, whether it be online. Okay. You've communicated, you've actually set up a time to meet each other, so there's obviously some type of attraction.

02:12

Lis:

Right, that's been established. Yep. 

Marlee:

And you are going to go on a, and let's be really clear, an in-person date, okay? 

Lis:

Right. You're not just sexting over the internet. 

Marlee:

Correct. You're actually on an in-person date. So you're at that point where two people have agreed to meet together, they're going to interact.

02:31

Lis:

Yep. Okay. Got it. 

Marlee:

So I wrote this topic because I think it is a really important one. I think that a lot of people end up not having sex for the wrong reasons. 

Lis:

Okay. Well, keep going because... 

Marlee:

Okay. I am telling our listeners not to have sex on the first date. Not because I think there's a religious reason, a cultural reason, or a moral reason, none of that.

03:10

Lis: Okay. I, because I think that's the reason most people get hung up. 

Marlee:

I would agree with you. Okay. I'm trying to tell them that that's not the reasons why you shouldn't have sex with an individual that you meet on the first date. I am saying that the reason is most people suck in the sack. 

03:31

Lis:

I think most people do suck in the sack. Yeah. 

Marlee:

I don't mean like as in a positive sucking as in like, you know, like blowjobs. I mean, as in most people aren't very skilled in the bedroom. Right. Especially with a person they don't really know. 

Lis:

Right, because I feel like you just added a layer there because I feel like a lot of people have a level of trust at that point in a relationship to be able to say what gets them off. You know? 

03:59

Marlee:

You nailed it. That's, you nailed it. Ha, so many puns. But that is exactly part of what I am getting to, when you first meet a person, you have the opportunity to really get to know them, to figure out if this is an individual that you match up with, not only in wants, needs, the type of relationship you're looking for, what you guys might have in common. 

04:31

Those are all really important things to establish. Because once you establish those types of situations with another person, when you really figure them out or start to figure them out, a trust naturally develops. Right, and here's the deal. Most people are uncomfortable with their bodies and most people are uncomfortable with asking a person they don't know to do certain things to them. 

04:54

Lis:

Well, I'm going to caveat that by saying I think a lot of people that even do know their partner and have built a level of trust, still have trouble asking for what they need. 

Marlee:

I would agree, and that is why so many relationships, I think, end up failing in the bedroom. 

05:18

Because there's not good communication. There's not trust, there's not empathy. There's a lack of understanding of not only what each person needs, but what they want when it comes to a sexual encounter. 

Lis: 

I think you're totally right. I think from a very early age people develop their thoughts around sex and they get it probably a lot from their parents, their peers, their teachers, how they were raised. 

05:48

And from society and there's a lot of judgment and there's a lot of, you know, religious, like you mentioned before. I mean, you think about all of those different things that play a factor into how comfortable you are with your body, and it doesn't even have to be that you're not physically toned, it's just the fact that you actually understand your body.

06:09

Marlee:

And this is part of what it means to romancipated. It's about developing a trust. It's about feeling comfortable with who you are. It's practicing self-preservation. So let's sort of go back to this idea that you've just met this person, right? Maybe online, maybe in person, and now you're on a date. 

06:30

This is your chance to start figuring out who this person is. It gives you the chance to ask questions. It gives you the chance to see if their behavior, their actions are consistent with what they're saying. 

Lis:

I think that's so important right there. 

Marlee:

Yeah. Are they looking you in the eye when they're talking to you? 

06:51

Are they staring at your boobs? When they ask you questions, are they actually asking about real things that you care about and you think about, or are they just trying to shoot this shit with you to just sort of get the time over, get to the next thing, right? You can get to the next thing, which is for them many people, particularly males, the sexual encounter of course. 

07:13

And so you get to sort of figure this out, you get to establish boundaries. You get to let the person know in the first date I'm not the kind of person who's going to sleep with you that first time. And here's the deal. What a wonderful way to flesh out the jerks, right? Because if you set the boundary of I'm not going to be having sex with you this first date. 

07:37

I'm trying to figure you out and I want you to figure me out and see if we're actually a decent potential match. The person who actually feels the same. They're going to stick around, they're going to keep exploring, they're going to keep trying to figure out if in fact you guys could have a potential relationship. The person who just wants to stick it to you literally.

07:58
 
I mean, they will, the moment you make the announcement that there's not going to be sex after dinner or drinks or a movie or whatever it is, they're like looking at their watch or their phone or they're like on their phone looking for that next available person. And that's okay too.

08:13

Lis:

Well, then you've, they've dodged a bullet.

Marlee:

Exactly, yeah. You've dodged a bullet. They've revealed who they are and what they wanted out of that relationship. 

Lis:

That's right. Right. That's all they wanted. 

Marlee:

Exactly. Yeah. And for you, if you are actually looking for something more than that one night stand. 

08:29

Then just that random sexual encounter where chances are you're probably a little messed up, you know, because you've probably been drinking or doing something else, so you probably don't even remember half of what you're doing. Right. You know, you just kind of want to get some sort of release and I get it.

08:43 

No judgment. There's a lot of people who are into that. I don't have a problem with that. But we're talking about relationships, right? We're not talking about getting your rocks off. 

Lis:

You're right. You're talking about building a relationship 

Marlee:

That's right. And a meaningful relationship. 

08:56

When you are trying to build that relationship, the ability to communicate, the ability to set boundaries of what you're comfortable with, the ability to feel trust, to be able to have a conversation on really important things before you have sex with somebody. You need to ask them, do they have any sexually transmitted infections? 

09:18

And if they do, how are they going to protect you from you potentially catching them. And it gives you the chance to decide whether you want to continue right? In pursuing the relationship, right? You get to talk to each other about children and what would happen if…I hope, would use protection. 

09:37

But what happens if you don't and one person ends up pregnant? Guess what? You need to know how this person feels about things like adoption, abortion.

Lis:

I mean, you're literally listing off all of these things. And I'm really wondering how many of our listeners have trouble…

Marlee:

Not enough.

Lis:

I was going to say, have trouble communicating these things and definitely on a first date, like some of those questions feel really aggressive or feel very intimate.

Marlee:

I get that.

10:04

Lis:

You know, I don't feel as though so many people would feel comfortable doing that on a first date, which is, most people wouldn't, but guess what? That’s why you shouldn't have sex. 

Marlee:

Exactly. So if you're not willing to ask those questions on the first date, you made my point, right? If you can't ask those questions, because those answers are going to have a huge impact on your life. 

10:25

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

Then you aren't ready to have sex with this person because you haven't established enough trust with them yet. Not to mention, and I think this is, this is huge because so many people aren't particularly comfortable expressing what they want in the bedroom, right. When they first know somebody, even as you said later on, right? 

10:44

Chances are the sexual encounter isn't going to be very good, and if the sexual encounter isn't very good, there's a very high likelihood that the relationship will end and it's going fizzle out right there. And you might actually lose out on a potentially really rewarding and really beneficial relationship with a person that might actually be a good match with you. 

11:07

That if you just took some time to get to know them, and them to know you and got a little more comfortable and developed some trust and some intimacy, you might end up having sex that isn't, per se, mind blowing but is really pleasurable. 

Lis:

You know, I think that that's a really good point because I have so many friends that have gotten to that next level where they've met the person, they've started a sexual relationship, and their only complaint has been "well, he sucks in bed." 

11:40

Like, yeah, he's really bad in bed and…

Marlee:

Everybody's teachable.

Lis:

That is such a good point because I've had so many friends, and then they're like, well, I can't find anybody. I can't meet anybody. Like, why can't I find somebody? You had that opportunity. These people are great people. 

11:54

You said how amazing they are.

Marlee:

Exactly. You and I have talked about the diamond in the rough. Hello. This is a perfect example. You can teach. I have done it. I am speaking from experience. 

Lis:

Marlee, the sex guru. 

Marlee:

Yes. I'm just saying you can teach. Yes, you can. You can teach a person how to pleasure you. 

12:17

You know, and if they're open to learning, right, that's a win-win for both of you. 

Lis:

If they're not open to learning and you know, right there. 

Marlee:

Exactly. Hello, red flag. This is not a person that is going to end up being a good long-term partner for you. Right. These are the kinds of things that a romancipated person does. 

12:39 

I agree with what you said earlier, that a lot of people, even when they're in a relationship, aren't comfortable letting people know what they want or they don't know what to ask for. 

Lis:

They haven't experienced or, experimented enough with their own body. They don't feel comfortable enough with their own body.

12:57

So many people go through life or go through relationships not really understanding what true pleasure is.

Marlee:

Exactly, and what a shame that is. It's tragic, and that is why people need to really focus on finding a person that is a good match for them. That is a person that has the same mindset, has the same feelings, has the same willingness and openness. 

13:26

You know, give the other person the chance to express their sexuality, to explore their sexuality. Now listen, I get it. There are a lot of people who have a lot of sexual hangups and they're not going to get past them. I think it's a shame and they're not going to, and if you one of our listeners happen to fall in that category, that's okay. 

13:44

That's okay as long as you're on the same page as your partner, right? If the two of you both are like, you know what, I'm all about missionary. I like it vanilla. I don't want to do any of the freaky-deaky, and you both really mean it. I don't mean lie about it. I mean you both really mean it.

14:01

Lis:

But that's, that's the caveat right there. 

Marlee:

But guess what? Missionary can be incredibly satisfying. 

Lis:

Sure. 

Marlee:

You know what I mean? As long as you know what you're doing. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

As long as both people are feeling an attraction, they're feeling safe, they're feeling secure, they're, they're getting their motors revved up. 

14:15

Right? People are doing foreplay. They're paying attention. Even the most basic positions can still be incredibly pleasurable. That's my point. You don't need to engage in all these different types of sexual dynamics, right? You don't need swing in your bedroom to be able to get off. 

14:33

Lis:

Right. You don’t need a sex swing in the bedroom.

Marlee:

You can be more simple in your sexual encounters, but I want people to really understand, while sex is an important component of a relationship, it is not the only component. I liken it to icing on the cake. 

Lis:

I love your analogy. 

Marlee:

The cake should be the trust, the boundaries, the respect.

14:59

Lis:

The foundation. 

Marlee:

The foundation. Yeah. That should be the communication. That should be your cake. The good sex. The icing, right. That comes from all those other ingredients. Right. That's what then brings everything together and makes it worthwhile, gives that extra little yumminess. 

Lis:

That's right. And so I love that.

15:18

Marlee:

That is what I want people to do, and I want them to recognize that when you have sex with a person, when you first meet them, or your first date is what I mean by that. When you're first really encountering them, chances are you are not going to be in the mental space to have learned enough about that person to really end up having a great sexual experience. And I don't want you to then potentially walk away from a person who could be a great partner for you, something great. 

15:55

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

I will preach this until the day I die. 

16:00

I do not understand why our society has so many hangups about sex. Sex is really the most basic thing. No human would exist without sex. Sex is what keeps our species going, and we as humans have the ability to actually enjoy the act. 

Lis:

I think that that's such an amazing point. 

Marlee:

I think people, every chance you have when you have a sexual encounter, you can look at it differently than the way you did the last encounter and you need to romancipate yourself.

16:31

Lis:

I think that that's such a good point. I was going to say, as you mature, you start to look at sex differently too. 

Marlee:

That's right. 

Lis:

And I think that you become more and more comfortable and confident with who you are. And I think that a lot of those past hangups that you potentially had from growing up in a certain way or you know, having those judgements, they start to fly out the window.

Marlee:

Well, you hope they do.

16:57

Lis:

I think a lot of people, I listen, I've read a lot of articles, I've heard a lot of, you know, people commenting on. The fact that sex gets better and better as you get older and older and you hear about a lot of these women that are in, and men that are in their, let's be honest, men, men are enjoying sex no matter what because  they're selfish.  

17:14

Marlee:

That’s right. They're basic people. 

Lis:

Yeah. Yes, but I will say that you hear all these things about women, Having the best sex of their life. Like, right, because they become more comfortable. They let go of their hangups. 

Marlee:

They let go of their hangups, they learn to appreciate their bodies. 

17:29

They learn to listen to their bodies. They learn to set boundaries. They learn to seek pleasure. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

They learn to understand that their purpose is not to serve and pleasure another person, right. That it's got to be mutual, it's got to be consensual, it's got to be enjoyable. 

Lis:

And wouldn't that be so amazing if we can educate some of these younger women?

17:49

Marlee:

Absolutely. 

Lis: 

Romancipate them so they can start enjoying it from a much earlier. 

Marlee:

Listen, you can be romancipated while you're in the middle of a marriage. You can be romancipated before you even start a relationship. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

It's all about the mindset. It's all about the perspective, and that's what we're talking about.

18:06

So, Sum and substance, sex on the first date. Does it suck? Is it great? I will never tell you there aren't the exceptions to the rule, right? Where the sex can be mind blowing, but I would say that's a rare occurrence. I think usually the sex sucks the first time. The second time, maybe even. But if you are willing to get to know a person, Diving in there and figuring out if you guys match up on needs and wants and you communicate and you set boundaries and you really take responsibility for what you're doing.  

18:42 

Lis:

Responsibility. That's a good word. Yep. 

Marlee:

And you're accountable to one another and making sure each other is safe, each other is feeling comfortable, each other is feeling respected, that there's trust. I'm telling you the sex is going to be mind blowing. 

Lis:

Boom. 

It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.

19:02

Marlee:

It's that time again when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues and romantic relationships. 

Lis:

Woo-hoo. 

Marlee:

So today's topic, when your partner gives the non apology, apology.

Lis:

Oh my God. 

Marlee:

All right, let's hear it. 

Lis:

I'm ready for this. Actually first, why can't people offer an honest apology? 

19:27

I just never understand that. It does not allow for closure. 

Marlee:

Absolutely. 

Lis:

"I'm sorry if my action offended you." What does that even mean? 

Marlee:

Oh, I know.

Lis:

"Oh, I'm so sorry. You feel that way". Blaming you for your own feelings, asshole. "I'm sorry. Are you happy now?" Uh, dismissive. Ugh. They can't be wrong, so they shift the blame. 

19:51

Own your freaking mistakes and learn what it takes to truly apologize. 

Marlee:

Oh my God. Say it, sister. All right. Okay. I love those. Okay, now it's my turn. You ready? 

Lis:

I'm ready. 

Marlee:

All right. It makes you feel unheard. 

Lis:

Yes, it does. 

Marlee:

It devalues the person who's been wronged. It makes the wrong person feel frustrated, sad and angry. 

20:09

Lis:

Yeah. Uh, yeah. 

Marlee:

It's a toxic behavior that should not be tolerated toxic. It creates resentment in the relationship. It shows the wrong doer's, lack of empathy for their partner. 

Lis:

Yes, it does. 

Marlee:

It highlights the wrong doers, insecurity. 

Lis:

They're insecure for sure. 

Marlee:

It is a serious red flag when a person cannot admit to doing or saying something wrong.

20:32

Lis:

Red flag. 

Marlee:

It's a very selfish behavior on the part of the wrongdoer. It does not allow for closure of the argument or hurtful action. 

Lis:

Or comment? Nope. 

Marlee:

It creates a power imbalance in the relationship that could be perceived as unhealthy or even abusive. 

Lis:

Ugh, that's a good one. 

Marlee:

It makes you want to retaliate against the wrong doer. 

20:55 

It can escalate the issue to another level that it didn't need to go to. 

Lis:

Oh my gosh, totally. 

Marlee:

It shows the wrong doer, has no respect for their partner. 

Lis:

Ugh. Yep. All right. Ding ding. 

Marlee:

Yeah. Okay. I like it. 

Lis:

Wait lifted. 

Marlee:

Wonderful. Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com. 

21:26

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21:45

Let Apple know that great listeners like you enjoy our show and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again and stay Romancipated.