Life May Not Be Fair, But Your Relationship Can Be

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Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships?. Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.

00:30 

It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.

Marlee:

On today's episode. Life May Not Be Fair, But Your Relationship Can Be. 

Lis:

Ooh. 

Marlee:

So I came up with this topic least because fair is not the same as equal. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

And I think that while you and I have mentioned in the past, you strive for equality in a relationship.

Lis:

Yes.  

Marlee:

The fact is it's a little unrealistic. You can at times have equal decision-making power. You at times can have equal tasks that you take on, but ultimately, it's never truly equal in a relationship. That being said, a relationship absolutely can be fair.

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

Because fair is something where a person feels like they're being respected, they're being appreciated, like they're being heard that they're being represented. Right? That's fair. Equal is the exact same treatment. Right? The identical treatment. 

01:38

Lis:

Yes:

Marlee:

So when, what I talk about that a relationship can be fair. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

It really can but it takes work. 

Lis:

Sure does. 

Marlee:

It's not just going to naturally happen by itself. And so how do you make a relationship fair? Number one, communication.

01:56 

Lis:

Yes. Got it. 

Marlee:

You've got to be able to communicate when you think there is some kind of imbalance. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

Number two, empathy. You have to be able to put yourself in your partner's shoes. You have to be able to recognize why in some situations they might end up getting the longer straw. So to speak, and you get the short straw.

02:21 

Lis:

Yeah, No, I think that’s right. And I think fairness means that we care about how the other person feels. 

Marlee:

Yes. 

Lis:

And the agreements that you make really have to benefit and make each of you feel as good as possible. So I think that that's a really good point. 

Marlee:

Yeah. It's, it's also about the boundaries.

Lis:

Yes:

Marlee:

You know, you have to set appropriate boundaries with each other, and you have to be clear what they are. And as long as you're clear and your boundaries are fair.

02:49 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

It's hard to kind of violate them. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

And that's the truth because you are the one who decides what you're willing to accept. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

And if you allow somebody to treat you unfairly, if you allow the division of labor, let's say, to take care of the home is unfair.

03:08 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

If you allow a person to have more financial say than you do, then you are the one who has not enforced a fair boundary. 

Lis:

That's right. Or set a fair boundary. 

Marlee:

Yeah. 

Lis:

Right.

Marlee:

Absolutely. 

Lis:

And you have to own the fact that you have not done your job of communicating what your boundaries are appropriately.

03:29

Marlee:

That's right. And also let's agree what each person perceives as fair is very different. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

Which is another reason why you have to be clear in your communication because what you might think is fair is very different than what your partner might think is fair. Let's take the economic situation.

03:46

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

You might argue to your partner, well, I'm the one that earned the money, so I think it's fair that I have more say in how it's spent. You could then argue and say, okay, but the only reason you have food in front of you and clean clothes and children that aren't completely running around in the streets and a nice home and gas in your car, and the list can go on and on is because I take care of it.

04:14 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

And so I think it's fair that I also have say in how the money is spent as a form of compensation for all of my work. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

Where if you had to hire a person to do it, it would cost you a fortune. 

Lis:

Oh yeah. You know that.

Marlee:

Right? 

Lis:

Yeah, that's right. 

Marlee:

But so that, that's a perfect example. I think it's common.

Lis:

Yes.

04:33

Marlee:

Where people each have their own definition of fair, and the only way the other person is going to see their partner's perspective is if they communicate it. 

Lis:

That's right. You can't expect somebody to automatically decide what's fair because look, I think you and I both know that people naturally tend to do a double standard, right?

04:53 

Lis:

Of course. 

Marlee:

What fair for them is not fair for you. Right? 

Lis:

You’ve got it. 

Marlee:

It's just another way of saying it. If you feel as though you're being treated fairly, there can still be an inequity in the relationship. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

And it can still function at a very high level. I do believe that. Taking turns though, sharing responsibilities and burdens, that's fair. That is important. Division of labor. It's important to be fair about it. It's important to not only think about the physicality of the labor, the emotional toll of the labor, the time commitment of the labor. 

Lis:

Yeah. That's right. 

Marlee:

Right? These are all things that you need to take into account, but also you should play to each partner's strength.

05:37

Lis:

That is actually a great point. 

Marlee:

Whatever task is going to be tackled. You should do it in a way that it's efficient and beneficial to both people. 

Lis:

I'm all about efficiency.

Marlee:

Right? 

Lis:

Yes.

Marlee:

So it might not actually be fair to the individual. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

But it creates a balance in the partnership or in the family unit.

05:55

Lis:

Absolutely. And listen, like the fairer your relationship is, I think the stronger your intimacy is. 

Marlee:

Absolutely. And your trust. 

Lis:

Yes.

Marlee:

It builds. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

Let's take cooking for example. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

Okay. I think that if one person is doing the majority of the cooking somebody would argue, well, that's not fair. So you know how you make it fair. The person who's not doing the cooking says, you know what? Once a week or twice a week, I'll bring in takeout. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

Or I'll make a reservation.

Lis:

Or I'll clean up after the dinner. 

Marlee:

Or I'll clean up. That's right. Or I'll do prep. 

Lis:

That's right.

06:30

Marlee:

Exactly. Or I'll do the grocery shopping. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

There's lots of ways where you can take a situation and inject a sense of fairness to it. 

Lis:

Yes. And I mean, listen, like there is, and like you said, play to your strengths, right? 

Marlee:

Yes. 

Lis:

Because I actually enjoy cooking. So for me it's a sense, it's an outlet, right? I love the whole process of it. I hate the cleanup part of it, or I hate emptying the dishwasher. You know? 

Marlee:

Sure.

Lis:

I mean, there's certain things that you know, would make me feel like appreciated. Like, I feel appreciated because you've taken this and made it more fair or more equitable. And you know, I've done all the cooking, I've done the prep work, I've done the grocery shopping. So it makes you feel seen, right?

07:11 

Marlee:

Yeah. 

Lis:

And there's an empathy piece to it. 

Marlee:

It does. Absolutely. You know, listen, there will always be a time where one partner carries a heavier burden. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

And for the relationship to feel like it's fair. It's important to show appreciation. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

It really is. It's important to acknowledge the fact that you know that it's not fair.

07:34

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

That it's not equal. And I think that is critical. So many people, don't get the acknowledgement. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

Or the appreciation. They're willing to take on…

Lis:

The extra burdens. 

Marlee:

Thank you. Yes, they're willing to do it, but they just want the acknowledgement. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

I think they also want the occasional relief. Right? Take the day off.

07:52 

Lis:

Oh yeah. Take it a couple times a week. Works for me. 

Marlee:

Yeah, absolutely. But I think that when people feel heard, when they feel appreciated, when they feel respected in a relationship, when they feel that their time is valued by their partner.

Lis:

 Yes. That’s right.

Marlee:

That their efforts are valued by their partner.

08:11 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

I think that a sense of fairness then permeates the relationship. 

Lis:

You’ve got it.

Marlee:

Even in the bedroom. It can be very unfair. It can be very one-sided. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

And it's important that both partners recognize that and actively take steps to fix that situation, to make sure that each individual is receiving pleasure, that each individual is getting the intimacy, is getting the connection that they seek, that they want.

08:40 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

The release that they want. Whatever, it's, it's important. 

Lis:

It's the acknowledgement that it is feeling one-sided. I don't know. I think that that's true in every aspect and specifically in the bedroom. But I think the acknowledgement and the knowing that, hey, you know, maybe it hasn't been so equitable lately. Like really, it does all come down to communication and being able to advocate and talk through something with your partner and trust them enough that you're able to have that level of communication to say, Hey, it's feeling like unbalanced and we need to right this ship. 

09:17 

Marlee:

You are right. Absolutely. Fairness is also about the contributions that you make to the relationship. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

But you can only contribute what is real. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

You can make a financial contribution to the relationship, you can make an emotional contribution to the relationship, you can make a physical contribution to the relationship. I think it's very difficult to weigh those and say which one has more importance or more weight. 

09:48

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

And I think that that's another thing two people in a relationship have to acknowledge with one another. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

That fairness also, again, it doesn't have to be equal. It's not the equal weight, it's that each person is actually bringing something to the table.

10:04 

Lis:

Well, and that both people feel fulfilled. 

Marlee:

Yes. 

Lis:

Right?

Marlee:

Yes. 

Lis:

Because sometimes maybe that is your desire. Maybe that is what you feel most confident and comfortable bringing to the relationship, and you feel great about it. As long as the other person is feeling that, yeah, that is exactly what I need you to bring to this relationship, especially right now, then you're communicating that and it's perfect.

10:31 

Marlee:

No, I do agree. I think life is very unfair, and I think that in every aspect of our existence, we experience things that are unfair. 

Lis:

And by the way, it's been taught to us that things should be equal and fair since kindergarten or preschool, you know? 

Marlee:

Well, it's taught to us, but in actuality it rarely is.

10:54

Lis:

And that's what I'm saying. No, exactly. 

Marlee:

So it's a concept that rarely actually lives up to the expectations we have. 

Lis:

Exactly. 

Marlee:

But I think when you choose your partner, right? 

Lis:

Yes.

Marlee:

When this is the person that is your family, this is the relationship, this is the partnership. I think that this should be that safe space where you can leave the outside world where things are unfair, right?

11:17 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

It's unfair at work. It's unfair at school, it's unfair with family members, it's unfair with neighbors. It's unfair just with what's going on in society. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

But in your home, in the intimacy of your relationship, it feels fair. It feels right. 

Lis:

Yeah.

11:34

Marlee:

That's what people should strive for because when people feel that things are fair. I think that it allows them to grow. I think it allows them to express themselves. I think it allows them to develop compassion. I really do.

Lis:

That’s a great point.

Marlee:

I think when people are always feeling that things are unfair. It just brings so much toxicity.

11:58 

Lis:

I was going to say it leads to bitterness and resentment. 

Marlee:

Yes. 

Lis:

And yeah, it doesn't, I mean, you beautifully said it. I think that having that, it's almost like a safe space in your personal intimate life that you feel safe and heard. And that there's a fairness. It's almost like there's a weight lifted.

12:18

Marlee:

I agree. 

It's venting time with Marlee and Lis. 

Marlee:

It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When Your Partner Makes a Mess and Does Not Clean Up After Themselves. Oh. Lis. Okay. 

Lis:

Oh my gosh. 

Marlee:

So I just have to say before, if you don't mind, I go first.

Lis:

Please.

12:42 

Marlee:

I happen to be a very clean person, as is my husband, so…

Lis:

That's lucky. 

Marlee:

Uh, yes. So I don't actually experience this, but I have seen it play out so many times amongst my friends.

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

Okay. 

Lis:

Okay. 

Marlee:

So I think it is an incredibly frustrating and enraging behavior. It shows disrespect for the partner’s space, time, and energy. I think it's childish and selfish to not clean up after yourself.

13:12 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

I think it's disgusting and it shows how little sense they have of other people's comfort. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

Okay. 

Lis:

Good point. 

Marlee:

It creates instant resentment in the relationship when someone is expected to clean up after someone else. I think if there are children involved, it sets a very poor example for children. 

13:36 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

And then that behavior just continues on into their adulthood and the expectation they have of other people cleaning up after them. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

I think it signals a power imbalance in the relationship. And I think it is a very common reason for conflict in the relationship.

13:55 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

Something that could be so easily avoided if they just picked up after themselves or put the dishes in the dishwasher instead of leaving them in the sink or on the table. These simple little gestures and movements can just have such a different impact on the relationship. 

Lis:

Absolutely. Yes. 

Marlee:

I think that when you don't clean up after yourself, it can destroy property and create unnecessary expense, right? Like people end up leaving something spilled on a carpet, right? And all of a sudden that carpet is destroyed. 

Lis:

Stained.

Marlee:

When had they just cleaned up after themselves. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

I think it shows a lack of empathy for the person that's stuck cleaning up after the person, particularly when it's their partner. 

Lis:

That's right.

14:39 

Marlee:

I think it can be a signal of mental illness. I'm talking about, no, I'm being serious. 

Lis:

I know, I do too.

Marlee:

Living in disgusting surroundings. 

Lis:

Oh yeah, absolutely. 

Marlee:

You know, or hoarding. 

Lis:

Oh, hoarding is terrible.

Marlee:

Depression. I think often when people are depressed, they don't clean up after themselves. 

Lis:

No, that's totally true. 

Marlee:

So I think that it absolutely can be a signal of something.

15:00

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

And I just think in general, it's destructive behavior and should never be tolerated unless of course you're a slob as well, and you just don't care. 

Lis:

Ugh. Gross.

Marlee:

So those are mine. 

Lis:

Okay. Well, I also happen to be a very neat person, and my husband is not always the neatest.

15:15 

Marlee:

Oh, then I want to hear what you have to say. 

Lis:

Yeah. Okay. So I really have had to get to certain points where it is possible that my partner doesn't always see something as a mess. And I do. So like we definitely have a different level of like what we observe as being like messy, right. 

Marlee:

So what you perceive as messy.

15:35

Lis:

Because I am very neat and he's neat, but he's not as anally neat maybe as I am. So you know, so I do sometimes have to take a step back. But first, this is a partnership, not a complimentary service. Clean up after yourself. It amazes me what messes my family will literally ignore while it drives me absolutely crazy, right?

15:56 

Like they'll see it. They don't even, yeah. While the truth is that they may not see things the way I do. How does it not look like a chaotic mess? It doesn't look like one to them. So, when we're walking into a room, it could seem like a tornado has hit to me and they're like, I mean, there's like two blankets that are messed up, mom.

16:13

But you know, to me it looks crazy. If I want to clean, sometimes I either have to clean it myself or speak up and ask someone to do it. And I'm a big fan of people taking care of their own mess and learning how to clean up after yourself. Because I actually think you made a great point. By saying that you're teaching your children and so what they see and how they see it being done, you are giving them the tools when they get older to do it on their own. Right? Like you should be teaching them.

16:40 

Marlee:

Absolutely. 

Lis:

And showing by example. And tolerating anger and resentment because you're doing everything in your partnership is damaging to your health and incredibly coercive to your relationship. 

Marlee:

Yes. 

Lis:

So, those are my points, but I'm a big fan of learning how to clean up after yourself.

16:58

Marlee:

Absolutely. I'll tell you the one that always fascinates me, the car with all the trash in it. 

Lis:

Ugh. 

Marlee:

I don't understand how people can just let trash pile up in their car. 

Lis:

I know. 

Marlee:

It's so easy. Take a garbage bag, take everything that doesn't belong in your car, throw it in the garbage bag.

Lis:

That's right

17:12

Marlee:

Throw it out. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

That's so strange to me, but I know it's very common and okay. But that was a great vent. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.Romancipation.com.

17:32

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17:50 

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