S4 Episode 8: Keeping Score Will Make Everyone a Loser
Episode Summary
Becoming a couple means compromise and a willingness to take turns. While it is natural to want your romantic relationship to be equitable, it is more difficult to achieve in reality. For many, keeping score is a way to enforce this idea of fairness. Unfortunately, it is misguided and often leads to resentment in the relationship.
Constant comparison in a relationship is unproductive and unhealthy. Resources will never be evenly distributed between the two members of the couple. Whether it is time, money, sleep or responsibilities, one person will always feel as though they received the short end of the stick.
Instead of keeping track of who did what, you should focus on behaviors that support the relationship as a unit. Reshape your perspective and divide tasks or responsibilities in a manner that each person is playing to their strengths. Work with your partner to focus on the positive things you are providing for one another instead of what is lacking. Don’t let entitlement drive the relationship.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss when your partner forgets about or ignores dates and things you feel are important in the relationship.
Show Notes
It’s pretty common to keep score in a relationship, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a habit worth keeping. In fact, it can be detrimental to your relationship because it colors the way you see every interaction you have. Keeping score can keep you from being present and experiencing positive aspects of your relationship in the moment.
You also might be keeping score in your head without communicating to your partner about the things they’re doing that may be irritating you. This can lead your feelings to fester. On the other hand, if you’re always verbalizing the score, it can lead to an unhealthy way of going tit-for-tat with your partner.
If you’re counting who’s winning, you’re also counting who’s losing. You end up missing out on building yourself up as a team. A healthier way of managing these situations is to open communication and start working together. Recognize what each of you brings to the table and play to your strengths.
It’s normal to have a little back and forth of keeping score. But if your partner always seems to get what they want and need without compromise, this could signal a much bigger problem. In a relationship, no one can get what they want all the time. But no matter what, you deserve to feel seen and heard by your partner.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When your partner doesn’t remember dates or details that you deem important. Maybe it’s just not as important to them – or maybe “forgetting” helps them avoid conflict. Expecting your partner to remember significant things in your life puts an unfair burden on them.
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Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating, and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
Today's topic, Keeping Score Will Make Everyone a Loser.
Lis:
Well, not in sports.
Marlee:
Okay, well, sometimes I guess a romantic relationship almost is like a sport.
Lis:
It kind of is.
Marlee:
It's an interesting topic for me because I'm guilty of this.
I Absolutely. I think it's a very common experience.
Lis:
Absolutely. I think everybody keeps score.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
In their head at least. Not always verbally, but like…
Marlee:
Oh no, I verbalize the score and it's interesting because it is something that I have repeatedly tried to stop doing.
Lis:
It's a tough one.
Marlee:
It is. I try to be very conscious of it because I think that keeping score really is detrimental to a relationship.
Lis:
Definitely, yeah.
Marlee:
I think that think it makes you look at every interaction differently. It colors it.
Lis:
Of course.
Marlee:
When you're trying to keep score.
Lis:
Well, because it snowballs. It's not always about the one thing you were keeping score about. All of a sudden it becomes about all of the other things that are tacked onto that.
Marlee:
Absolutely. So this is interesting because I keep score for all the bad things, but I also keep score for all the good things.
Lis:
Okay, well see you've got a balance. I like that.
Marlee:
So it's interesting because I use that to sort of balance it out. Like you said in my head. But I also recognize if I'm trying to keep score, I am not experiencing the positive in the moment.
Lis:
Absolutely. I think that that's, it's such a great point.
Marlee:
Right? I have a tally and I shouldn't be tallying and so I want to tell our listeners, because this is something I'm trying to practice myself.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
When you keep score, you really do end up being on the losing end because the fact is, we've discussed this in past episodes, there's always going to be one point where your partner kind of has the upper hand for whatever reason.
There's going to be times where they make the right decision. And you make the wrong decision. Rare…in my particular relationship, but it happens every once in a while. And I think that for a lot of people, they want their partner to acknowledge when they've done something good, something selfless, something thoughtful.
Lis:
I think that had the nail on the head right there. I mean, I think that everybody keeps score.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
You just do. I think that in the back of your head, whether it's about how many times somebody's unloaded the dishwasher versus how many times somebody's taken out the garbage versus whatever it is, like you've got this like tally in the back of your head.
But again, it all comes down to your perception of the responsibility. And while your partner may take out the garbage because that's their perceived duty. And you typically wash the dishes. It's how you're communicating that you need support on what it is that you're festering about. I mean, because if you're not communicating and you're not putting it on the table in an appropriate way, you're only keeping score in your head and your partner has no idea that what they're doing or not doing is irritating you.
Marlee:
See. It's funny because it's never in my head. I verbalize it.
Lis:
Oh, see, I fester in my head.
Marlee:
I mean, I verbalize it.
Lis:
It's actually probably healthier to verbalize it then let it fester, because…
Marlee:
Sometimes I think it is. Sometimes I think it isn't, because I know that every time I let my husband get away with something, so to speak.
Lis:
Or what you're perceiving he is getting away with…
Marlee:
Or what I'm perceiving as getting away with something. There's a little bit of me that thinks, okay, well then this means now I can get away with something.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
And I don't think that's a good thing. I don't think that's a healthy thing.
Lis:
It's like a one for one.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
Marlee one…
Marlee:
Yeah, it's Marlee's Hammurabi’s code, right? No, and I don't think that's a per se, healthy way of doing things. I think instead of thinking about it in a framework of, well you just got to do that, then I should get to do something. I think it should be looked more from the perspective of when you do something like that, how it makes me feel.
Or vice versa when I'm doing something and how it makes you feel.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
And I think that what you want to do is you want to minimize the behaviors that makes your partner feel wronged. Or feel resentment.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And you want to maximize…
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
The behaviors that elicit the feelings of love, respect, commonality, trust, intimacy.
And so I do think that's really important because also you do easily lose track. If you're trying to keep score, you do lose track. It almost feels artificial in a sense.
Lis:
No, I see where you're coming from. And I think there's also a point of keeping score that somebody's got to prove their rightness.
Right. I know that's probably not the right word, but like you have to be right or like correct in the situation.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
So somebody's got to be the loser.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Like if you're the winner, somebody's got to be the loser. And it is very unhealthy to kind of roll like that. And listen, I think that when you're in a really healthy relationship and partnership, you're wanting your partner to understand your needs, but that takes a lot of work and it takes a lot of communication and it takes a lot of openness to kind of address those certain things.
I mean, you can put any situation out there, and as we're talking through some of these things, like it's coming to my head. When my husband goes on a trip with his guy friends, I'm like, ding, ding. Now I get to go with my girlfriends, or I'm going to take this trip because I've been really wanting to do it.
But then sometimes I sit back and I'm just like, but then where's our trip together? You know what I mean? Because I'm constantly trying to figure out, well, how am I going to then go with my college girlfriends or my high school girlfriends? But where does that leave us together as a couple?
Marlee:
And that is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. When you do that sort of keeping score.
You end up missing out on that teamwork aspect.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Right?
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
As a couple, and I think you gave the perfect example when you're so focused on, oh, he got to do this, or she got to do that, or I'm the one who had to wake up with the sick child, or he's the one who got to sleep in extra. It starts to build this you versus me mentality.
Lis:
Right. Yes.
Marlee:
And how do we make sure that we're both on equal footing. When instead it should be we are working together as a team.
Lis:
That’s right.
Marlee:
And a team is only as strong as its weakest link. So while I certainly don't think one person should be the one who always gets to go on the trips or with their friends, or one person should always be the one that gets up in the middle of the night with a sick child, I do think that if each partner recognizes what the other brings to the table and they play to their strengths and they support one another and they work together. I think it just reinforces all of those foundational concepts of a relationship.
Lis:
Great examples. All of those.
Marlee:
I will say, because I think this is a common one, when people are really hurt, something like infidelity or mis-spending.
Two very damaging things to a relationship. I think there's a huge temptation to try and get back at your partner in attempt to even the score and to make you feel like you somehow have gotten some sort of power or satisfaction.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
That there's somehow amends being made. I do not recommend doing that.
If somebody is cheated on you and it has devastated you, you are not going to help the relationship if you try to devastate them back. Instead, you need to try and take a step back because you and I both agree if your partner cheats on you, that's a “them” problem.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It's not a “you” problem. You need to take a step back.
You need to recognize that's a “them” problem. Don't make it a “you” problem. Instead, think about what the next steps are for you to right your ship and if you want them still as a first mate on your ship. Then you guys are going to have to do some serious soul searching and have a lot of discussions, but the fact is you getting back at them is just going to increase the negative aspects and energy of your relationship.
It is not going to right anything. Because we always remember how we made the other person feel.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
And nobody ever is going to take responsibility and be like, oh, well I did it first. Humans aren't wired that way. They always remember what you did to them, and they always think that what they did to you is not as bad.
Lis:
Right. Well, I mean, it's just a resentment builder right there.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Like everything that you just mentioned, it's not as though you're fixing the current problem. You're building on that current problem and escalating it.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
To whatever the next level is, and you can't possibly have a solid, healthy relationship.
Marlee:
Well, yeah, it's very counterproductive.
Lis:
Of course.
Marlee:
I think it's very counterproductive to try and even the score, so to speak.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
I do think though, that if you're seeing repeated pattern of your partner getting to always go on the boys’ trips.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Never involved in housework or childcare, if you guys happen to have children, always being the one that gets sort of the relaxation time versus the one who always has to take on the in-laws, whatever it might be.
That you feel is some type of burden that is in the relationship. If it is repeatedly unfair and you see this very consistent imbalance of power, that should signal something important to you.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
That this is more than keeping score. This is, you're not a team.
Lis:
And that's such a great point. And you know, I love that we're kind of bringing in like the team and the scorekeeper.
Because I think it kind of all goes together.
Marlee:
Well cause you're an athlete.
Lis:
Because I like all that stuff. But I was going to say, you know, I mean relationships really are about compromise and nobody is going to get what they want all of the time in a relationship.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
But I will say that I think that we all deserve to have our needs heard and valued by our partner.
Marlee:
I agree with that. And if you do have children in the relationship. Boy, do they observe this type of behavior.
Lis:
Everything.
Marlee:
And when they see their parents keeping score, it becomes something they use then in their relationships.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
And I have seen this, I have seen my children keep score against each other.
Lis:
And with each other.
Marlee:
That's right. Because they've seen me and their father do it to each other. So I am telling you from personal experience, children, they absorb it. And they start practicing that behavior and you don't want that. It's an unhealthy behavior. And then I look like a total hypocrite when I say to my kids, stop keeping score, then I think to myself, ugh, they just watched me go at their dad for something that I felt was unfair.
Lis:
You know, life isn't a competition that way. Right?
Marlee:
It is important to really be aware of what you're doing. I think it's a very natural thing for us to do.
Lis:
I think everybody does it.
Marlee:
I do think everybody does it. Whether not you want to admit to it or not.
Lis:
Whether it is a big thing or a little thing.
Marlee:
Exactly. I agree. But I think it's very important to acknowledge it to your partner because again, we all do it. And I think that if you validate the person, say, listen, you know what? I was keeping score and it's unfair. I shouldn't be doing that. Instead, I should be focusing on the positive things that you do.
And I hope you focus on the positive things that I do. And if there's something negative that I'm doing or something negative you're doing, we need to communicate to each other and we need to let each other know how it's making us feel. And you have to be able to listen and hear your partner.
Lis:
Yeah. Great advice.
Marlee:
You can't say that their feelings are invalid.
Lis:
And that's it. Yeah.
Marlee:
That somehow, again, it's keeping score to feel like, well, that hurt my feelings more than if I did the same thing to you.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
So it doesn't matter which direction, whether you are the scorekeeper or somebody's keeping score on you, the important thing is to recognize it is never a healthy behavior in a relationship, and it is something that you need to reframe in your relationship.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
If you are going to keep score, which I do think is probably going to continue to happen in my relationship. I do try to reframe it in a way of like, let's keep score together as a unit.
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
As a partnership. How are we knocking it out of the park?
Lis:
I love it.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When My Partner Does Not Remember Things, Dates, or Details that I Deem as Important.
Lis:
All right. Well, I would love to take this one if that's okay.
Marlee:
Please do.
Lis:
All right. I don't know. Maybe they forget things as a way of not dealing with the anxiety or pressure to perform.
Marlee:
Oh.
Lis:
Maybe it's just not as important to them.
Marlee:
Yep.
Lis:
Since you don't remember anything, you avoid conflict. You deflect heat, and you're always innocent.
Marlee:
Oh, that's good.
Lis:
Maybe you're trying to get your partner to expect less from you and therefore you have fewer relational burdens.
Marlee:
Ooh.
Lis:
Over time it feels arrogant, lazy, and just not loving. It really does.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
Like when somebody constantly doesn't remember things, and I think that your partner probably resents you or sees you as a grownup child who can't or won't take ownership of the relationship.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Right? When you can't even take on those little things like remembering something that's important to somebody else, it does speak volumes.
Marlee:
Oh my goodness, those are great. I love those. Okay. I understand that not everybody has a mind for details, but I do think it's important to make note of dates, preferences, or life details that are important to your partner.
If you keep forgetting everything, it makes the partner feel as though they don't have any significance in your life.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Expecting your partner to always remember things for you, like your mother's birthday.
Lis:
Oh my gosh, yes.
Marlee:
Or something significant in your life. It's an unfair burden that you put onto your partner.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
To not return the favor signals a power imbalance in the relationship. People should not enter into the relationship with the expectation that another person is going to pick up the slack for them. If you didn't keep track of important details in your life before the current relationship that you're in, how did you function?
Was it a parent or another person that took care of those things for you? If so, you need to grow up and take personal responsibility.
Lis:
Grow up.
Marlee:
If they remember details or dates that are important to them, but not to you, they are practicing a double standard that should not be tolerated.
Lis:
Ooh, good point.
Marlee:
Right? Like they remember their mother's birthday, but not their mother-in-law's birthday.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
You know what I mean?
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
If you're clear about what dates or details are important, they have little excuse. However, if you expect them to see details or dates in the same way as you do, but without ever discussing it with them. You're being unfair and your expectations are unrealistic for your partner.
Lis:
Yeah, you're right.
Marlee:
For many people, dates hold a great amount of importance and sentimental value. If their partner does not remember or appreciate these defining moments, it can create feelings of hurt, misunderstandings, and resentment.
It takes very little effort to stay on top of dates and important details. Every one of us has a phone and there are multiple apps they keep track of just about everything if you need the extra assistance. When you help the person you love, celebrate the meaningful memories or just like acknowledge things, it really demonstrates how much you appreciate them.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
As a person and as a partner.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Minimal effort for maximum reward. I am such a believer in that.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
I think that when you remember details, it really reflects well on the relationship, especially with the romantic relationship because just think about it. If you've met a person once or twice, but they remember details of the conversation you had with them, you instantly hold them in a higher regard.
Lis:
On my gosh, you’re right.
It makes you feel special.
Marlee:
That's right. They made you feel special.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
And you look at them in a better way. So wouldn't you want that of your partner?
Lis:
Absolutely. It's called the Calendar people.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast or to learn more about us, visit www.Romancipation.com.
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