S4 Episode 5: It’s All in the Delivery: It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You Say It
Episode Summary
The ability to communicate effectively with your partner is one of the key elements of a successful relationship. For many people, it is not the substance of what is being said that creates issues in a relationship, but how that information is delivered. In order to get the most benefit out of your relationship, you need to understand your partner’s preferred communication style and tailor your message in a manner that is productive.
When communicating wants, needs, boundaries and feelings to your partner be aware of your tone, timing and word choice. If a message is delivered with anger, frustration, hostility, blame or condemnation, the chance of engaging in a productive conversation is minimal. Even if you are approaching your partner with something benign, if the timing is inopportune, you may find yourself engaged in conflict that was unexpected.
Making sure to use the correct wording can also greatly increase the probability that your message will be received and processed by your partner. People are much more open to listening if they feel they are not being attacked, blamed or judged.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss when people believe they deserve a rich partner.
Show Notes
Communication is a pillar of Romancipation. Each and every person has their own communication style, and that of your partner may differ from you. As a result, you may end up in conflict even in cases when, in principle, you’re actually on the same page. For this reason, knowing your style and your partner’s style is really important.
Once you identify their communication style, you can try adapting to a method your partner can more easily understand. If there’s a reaction before a conversation or you’re not getting the result you’re hoping for, take it upon yourself to think about how your message will be perceived.
Critical information is always best delivered to your partner privately and in a calm manner. Timing is everything—there are certain times of day your partner will be less open to discussing what you want to address. It might be tempting to get it off your chest, but choosing to talk about something when you’re angry might result in saying things you don’t mean.
Be careful of the words “always” and “never.” These are absolute statements you want to be conscious about using with your partner and your kids. The more you drop these statements, the more they lose their value. Using the right words can make all the difference in an important conversation.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When a person thinks they deserve a rich partner. A lot of young people today are zeroed in on this idea. It’s entitled behavior. What do you bring to the relationship that makes you deserving of someone else’s wealth? It can lead to resentment, conflict, and keep deep trust from forming in the relationship.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
In this episode: It's All in the Delivery. It's Not What You Say. It's How You Say it.
Lis:
That's what I've been told.
Marlee:
Oh my goodness. You know, Lis, we always talk about in Romancipation the incredible importance of communication.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And I think so many people, I know myself included, it took me a while to recognize my own communication style.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And where I developed that style. And obviously I developed a lot of it from my childhood and just what I observed, but I was not aware of how different other people's communication styles were.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Right?
Lis:
Oh yeah.
Marlee:
And so I found in my own personal experience in relationships, I have been communicating with my partner about something, and even though we in principle are on the same page we end up in some sort of disagreement or conflict, not because of the actual substance of what's being said or communicated, but the method in which it is being communicated.
Lis:
Yeah. Oh wow. Yeah.
Marlee:
Does, does that make sense?
Lis:
Totally.
Marlee:
You need to be able to identify, not only your communication style, but you also have to identify your partner's communication style.
Lis:
Oh yeah. You do.
Marlee:
Right? Are they an oral communicator? Are they a visual communicator?
Are they a written communicator? Because once you've identified their preferred communication style, you then have to start to adapt to be able to get the message that you want them to hear through a method they actually respond to.
Lis:
No, I think that that's a really great point. And you know, I would say I'm a work in progress.
I do think that I have learned more about my communication style over the years, and I think you made such a great point that people just like the way that they learn, people communicate in such different ways.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And some people need to write something down in order to really fully feel like they've gotten their point across.
And other people need to hear things and just, and receive things in such different ways. And I know that personally for me, when I'm having a conversation, especially with my now partner, my husband, it's so interesting because I didn't realize how harsh my tone could be when I got passionate about something and it didn't even have to be something that I was angry or upset about, it could be a sports game or you know, something that's on tv and I just, the tone of my voice elevates and I can see my husband sometimes just like immediately, like almost go on the defensive, even if it has nothing to do with what I’m talking about.
Marlee:
You just given a perfect example of what I'm talking about. I myself am a very passionate lady.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And when I'm passionate about something, people often misinterpret it as anger.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Because I have an angry tone. I'm sure some of our listeners might have noticed. And while I am not an angry person, when I'm passionate about something, I find I maybe have a harsher tone.
Lis:
When your voice inflection, it just changes.
Marlee:
Exactly. Yes. And as a result, something that wasn't meant to be confrontational in nature.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Like you said, gets interpreted as though it's confrontational.
Lis:
Absolutely. No, and I will say because of that sometimes, and why I said I'm a work in progress is I've really had to acknowledge that about myself.
And because otherwise I was not getting the results that I wanted when I was having specific conversations that I noticed the outcome wasn't what I was kind of hoping for. It was because there was a reaction before there was even a conversation so I'm a work in progress because I really have to take it upon myself to sometimes take a second before I address something or before I put something out there.
I need to like kind of understand how it's going to be perceived.
Marlee:
So that is such a great point. We are all works in progress.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
We really are. It's whether or not you have the self-awareness, to recognize that you're work in progress unless you are a professional communicator, like a broadcaster or an orator.
And even then, I don't know what they're like behind the scenes.
Lis:
I was going to say it's could be totally different in their personal relationships.
Marlee:
But learning how you communicate and learning the right times to communicate and how to get your feelings out whether it's in the verbal word or the written word.
Or the visual.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
You know what I mean? Your face, for example, your body language.
Lis:
Yes. Right. Good point.
Marlee:
You need to really be conscious of how your partner interprets things.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
I mean, so I have had to learn that you've got to communicate in a clear and non-confrontational way, because if you do, your partner will be so much more open to listening to what you have to say.
Lis:
So true.
Marlee:
If you start trying to get an important message across, but like you said, and you're feeling confrontational or passionate, and the other person's receiving that energy, they are instantly trying to get into that defensive mode. Right? They're trying to figure out why you're coming at them, and also they're either too busy trying to formulate their response…
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
Instead of actually listening to what you're saying.
Lis:
You got it.
Marlee:
Or they're too busy nursing their outrage that you are speaking to them with a certain tone.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Does that make sense?
Lis:
It makes total sense. Yeah.
Marlee:
So I've always said that if you are going to deliver critical information, it's so much easier to digest when it's given to your partner, first of all, in private, not in front of other people.
Lis:
Oh my gosh. For sure, for sure.
Marlee:
In a calm manner. Right?
Lis:
Which is not always easy to do.
Marlee:
Not always easy, but you got to be able to like take a breath…
Lis:
It’s always more important to have a productive conversation.
Marlee:
That's right. And not only that, it needs to be done in a way that is non-confrontational.
Not when you're in an argument.
Lis:
Well, I was going to say timing. Timing is everything.
Marlee:
Timing is everything.
Lis:
Right? Like the second you start, like, and listen, there's times of day where people aren't necessarily going to be able to receive the information, right? Like if you, you stay at home and your partner comes home from work and all of a sudden you go at them the second that they walk through the door.
That's not exactly the right time to address certain things that…you know.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
I mean, timing is also everything, but you're right in private as well, like in front of other people is never at the right time.
Marlee:
Even your word choice. We've talked a lot about empathy and perspective.
Lis:
Yes. Right.
Marlee:
Right? Using terms like I feel or I believe. Again, offer your partner the opportunity to understand that this is your perspective. You're not saying it's a fact.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
You're saying this is how you feel, or this is your belief.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
So it's a great way to get your point across without the person feeling like you're making some sort of declaration. Right?
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Big difference between me saying to my husband, I think you're wrong. Right? With that type of tone and passion versus I feel like I don't agree with the point you're making.
Lis:
Yeah. Wow.
Marlee:
What a difference. Right?
Lis:
Yeah. It's true.
Marlee:
Same message, right? Same message, very different delivery.
Lis:
And by the way, he might be wrong.
It's just, you know.
Marlee:
Oh, he probably is. But you understand.
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
It's when you're feeling really emotional about something, it's so important to give yourself a chance to calm down before you discuss it with your partner, like you said, timing is critical because no matter how tempting it is to do in the moment, and boy am I guilty, like right in the moment, I'm like, I’ve got to discuss this.
We have got to talk about it.
Lis:
You have got to get it off your chest.
Marlee:
You have got to get it off your chest.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
But the truth is, when you're upset or angry, you often end up saying things you didn't intend to and that you don't actually mean.
Lis:
No. And it's so true.
Marlee:
And once you've said those things, you can't take them back.
Lis:
Oh, it’s hard to put those back in the box.
Marlee:
Yeah, absolutely and they end up getting a life of their own. And the very statement you never meant to say, and you didn't even mean will come back and it'll haunt you. Right. It'll come back in another conversation.
Lis:
Always.
Marlee:
So always try and communicate when you're feeling calm and if you are afraid of losing your thoughts that's a great time to like make a note on your phone, handwrite a little note to yourself.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Something so that you remember the topic that you want to discuss, but hopefully the emotion is now kind of pulled out of it.
Lis:
Well, and have you ever realized or thought that sometimes when you take that step back and the emotion comes out of it, the problem isn't quite as big as you thought it was to begin with.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
I mean sometimes when you rehash something and look at it from a different perspective or a different timeframe, you're like, wow, I was really upset about that. But it actually had nothing to do with that.
Marlee:
Exactly.
Lis:
It was, you know, the place that I was at in the day, that's the place that I was at in my head.
Something else that had happened during the day. So sometimes it is so important to just kind of take that step back.
Marlee:
Yeah, no, listen. I mean, when you don't take that step back and you just go at somebody, it's a guarantee that you're going to put your partner on the defensive, right?
Lis:
Oh, yeah.
Marlee:
I mean and it would also ensure that anything you're saying is not going to be taken in a positive way.
It'll be taken with like a negative attitude. It will. It really will. So be careful of the words always and never. Wonderful words. I love them. I love those words so much, but I try to be really conscious about using them with my husband and my kids.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Because. “Always” and “never”. Those are big words, yet we drop them constantly in conversation and they lose their value.
Just like when we say love, we love something, right? Or we hate something when in fact we're using those very important and intense terms. Right?
Lis:
Well, you throw them around so casually.
Marlee:
Yes, exactly. So always and never, because choosing the right words can have such a huge impact on your partner's behavior.
I mean, I'll give you a perfect example. If my partner is getting ready for a fancy event, okay, and he comes down the stairs and he's in a sport coat where I'm like, where the hell did you get that? Right? It's like, you did not pick that out purple and orange plaid. I'm like, where did this come from, right?
I can say, oh my God, that's hideous. Why are you wearing it? And you're instantly going to not get the reaction you want. His feelings are going to be hurt, and he's going to sort of be like, what are you talking about? This is my favorite.
Lis:
This is my favorite.
Marlee:
Thank you. This is my favorite coat. If instead you say, you know what, sweetie?
I love you in that blue blazer. You look so good in that, oh my God, you look so svelte in it. He is much more likely to go upstairs and say, oh, you think the blue blazer be like, I’ve got to tell you, I just, I love it.
Lis:
I was really hoping that was the one you were going to wear tonight.
Marlee:
Exactly. Yes. You are going to get what you want, which is your husband not to embarrass you.
Right? And actually look good without hurting his feelings and pointing out that he's got shitty taste in clothes.
Lis:
And then you're going to get rid of that blazer the second it goes back to the closet.
Marlee:
Oh burn it. Burn it. Absolutely. No. And, and listen, this really works for women. Saying to your female partner when she's like, how do I look in this?
Fill in the blank dress pants, jeans, whatever. The moment you say the truth, whoa.
Lis:
Nobody wants that.
Marlee:
It's, it's ugly. Don't say, yeah, you look fat in those. They're, ugh, I don't really like them. They're not flattering. Don't say that. Because instantly the person's going to take it and they're going to be hurt even if you weren't trying to hurt their feelings.
Lis:
Well, because people remember how you make them feel.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Who was that…Maya Angelou I think, said that, right?
Marlee:
Like, that's right.
Lis:
You know, people always remember how you made them feel. They might forget what you did. They might forget the actual words you used.
Marlee:
That's right. But that's right. They always remember that feeling that you elicited in them.
Lis:
Right. Exactly.
Marlee:
And so instead, I would say, gentlemen, what you say to your ladies is, you know what, sweetie? I just loved you in that red dress that you wore like a few weeks ago. You looked so sexy. You just, wow. I mean, you just stole the room when you walked in. I thought you were going to wear that. And she'll be like, oh, I did look good in the red dress.
Oh, you know, I'm going to go up and change. Thank you, honey. That's what you say. Or you can even say, ah, you know what? I always get so turned on when you wear that black dress, I didn't know. There's just something about, it makes me feel like you're a naughty librarian, you know? No. You know what I mean.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
My point is, is that if you frame the words in a way that the person feels flattered instead of insulted…
Lis:
Or defensive.
Marlee:
Yes.
Or defensive. You're more likely to get your way, and this doesn't just happen with clothing, it happens with everything. Everything, right? I mean, you can address all the issues that you want to with another person if you do it in a productive and thoughtful way. Communication is a huge part of that.
Lis:
You got it.
Marlee:
Right?
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Approaching the person at the right time, and then the delivery of the message in the right form, right? And the right tone.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
That is going to give you a much higher chance of success.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
And we've said this before, validation is such an aphrodisiac.
Lis:
Oh, I love validation.
Marlee:
Make sure to validate what your partner is saying. Again, you don't have to agree with them. You don't have to agree with them, Lis, validate them.
Lis:
But it shows that you're hearing them, right?
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
Because sometimes you get put on the defensive.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And like you said earlier, you don't actually hear what the other person is saying because you're already trying to formulate how you're going to respond.
So, anything that your partner was saying during that timeframe has been completely lost because in their head they are only trying to think about what their response is going to be to you, and their response might actually have nothing to do with what you thought you were saying.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Or addressing because they clicked off, they did not hear.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Anything that you had to say?
Marlee:
But by validating them.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
You know, and not going at them.
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
They are much more willing to just listen.
Lis:
Because they're showing that you're hearing them.
Marlee:
Absolutely. It's practicing empathy, and if you practice empathy with your partner, they'll mirror it back.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
They will. They will give you empathy right back. And when you also deliver a message or any kind of communication to your partner, you are taking personal responsibility.
Lis:
I love it.
Marlee:
You know what I mean?
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
If you are consciously making the choice to be an effective and thoughtful communicator, you are taking personal responsibility and showing your partner that you are accountable to them.
Lis:
Got it. Yes.
Marlee:
And to the relationship. I wish more people would be very conscious and aware of what they're saying or writing, because writing is can also be very easily misinterpreted.
Lis:
Oh my God. How many times have you gotten a text message that…
Marlee:
We've talked about that.
Lis:
All of a sudden you're just like, how could you possibly mean that?
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
And the second you pick up the phone, they're like, that's not what I was talking about at all.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
It's so easy to misinterpret things that are in writing.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
And now it's so much more accessible because you are text messaging and emailing so frequently throughout the day, throughout the course of the week and having things get misinterpreted.
You're so right. It can come off so harsh.
Marlee:
Oh my God. Listen. I need reading glasses and I always think that maybe the way I can soften what I write is with an emoji, but I, I don’t know what half them mean and so I end up sending one that I think is giving a confused face, but in fact it's offering oral sex.
I don't know.
Lis:
Like you're sending the eggplant, aren't you?
Marlee:
Isn't that the penis?
Lis:
I think so though.
Marlee:
Yeah. No, that's what I mean. Like I've never bothered, I feel like it changes so fast, like I've never been able to catch up. But I think let's end it by saying that it's all in the delivery. It's not what you say or write, it's how you say or write it.
Lis:
Brilliant.
Marlee:
Make sure that you're really being thoughtful and clear.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's the time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When a Person Thinks They Deserve a Rich Partner.
Lis:
Ooh.
Marlee:
So this one I think is interesting.
Because nowadays with social media and the reality tv, I think so many young people are really zeroed in on this idea that they need to hook up or get a partner that has a lot of money.
Lis:
Oh yeah.
Marlee:
And I think it is such a mistake. So if you don't mind, I'm just going to start.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
There's always an undercurrent of gold digging in the relationship if you're trying to go for somebody just because of their wealth.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It's always a poor choice to get into a relationship unless it's some type of commercial agreement where everyone knows what is expected as in like a sugar daddy type of relationship. No, I mean really.
Lis:
Sugar daddy. Sorry.
Marlee:
It's an entitled behavior.
Lis:
It is.
Marlee:
Why do you deserve any particular type of person and what do you bring to the relationship that you somehow deserve to enjoy the benefits of somebody else's wealth?
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
It often indicates a false sense of what is important to look for in a partner. It's an immature way to think about relationships. I consider this a huge red flag. It can lead to conflict in the relationship, it can absolutely lead to resentment in the relationship.
Lis:
Definitely.
Marlee:
On both sides.
And it prevents trust from forming between the two people.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
Nobody wants to feel like they're being used.
Lis:
Oh, of course not. So, no, absolutely.
Marlee:
Those are my points.
Lis:
No great points. Well, first I would like to say perception of what defines wealthy is subjective.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Entitlement is never a sign that it will lead to a healthy relationship.
Marlee:
Correct.
Lis:
I think that we want to think of our relationship as two people in love rather than outside forces like wealth that are out of our control, that brought us together, has shaped the way that we're living. I just, I feel like that's…you know.
Marlee:
Yes. That's a good point.
Lis:
Are you comfortable being called a gold digger or will that make you angry or uncomfortable? And it can definitely lead to insecurities. If you don't feel like you have much to contribute, you would need to focus on what you are bringing to the relationship. And does that make you feel comfortable?
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
I mean, what you're bringing is that equivalent to what you feel like you're getting and I just…
Marlee:
Absolutely. And you know what the truth is with money and wealth, there's a lot of other negatives. There's a lot of downside to it that I don't think a lot of people realize or recognize. They're so zeroed in on what they consider a certain lifestyle, not understanding everything else that can come with it.
Lis:
Fair enough.
Marlee:
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released.
Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast, please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify. Reviews let Apple know that great listeners like you enjoy our show and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again and stay Romancipated.