S5 Episode 7: If You Need to Sell the Relationship to Your Partner, it isn’t Worth Buying
Episode Summary
Successful relationships take work. Both people have to be open to understanding their partner’s wants and needs. If one member of the partnership is not interested in meeting the other’s expectations, then trying to force a relationship will be a futile endeavor. You should never have to convince your partner of your value, nor should you try to morph yourself into someone you think they want.
No person likes a hard sell. It reeks of desperation and feels manipulative. A forced relationship that is not the right fit will be full of resentment and ripe for abuse. Moreover, why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who is not willing to put in the time and effort? Even if you get what you want in the short term, it will feel like settling to your partner and eventually to you.
If a person does not want to commit to you, do not take it personally. You may be exactly what they are looking for, but the timing or circumstances prevent them from acting on their feelings. Ultimately, both individuals have to be on the same page and share the same mindset for the relationship to move forward.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how frustrating it is when men do not realize how difficult it is to be a woman in today’s society.
Show Notes
What’s the secret to finding the right partner? One way to approach it is to imagine yourself as a product. When you’re dating, you’re putting yourself out there—marketing yourself. The other people out there may see you or “the product” and realize you’re exactly what they’re looking for, know you’re not right for them, or even be somewhere in the middle.
However, you should never have to convince another person of your value. If they don’t see what you offer, why chase after them? You’re not a sale item—you’re full-priced! You should never accept being a second choice or a backup. If you are being realistic about what you offer, don’t settle for less.
Acting desperate or trying harder to make a relationship work is not the answer. People can pick up on a hard sell from a mile away. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you are trying too hard, it might be time to walk away. If it doesn’t work out, it’s not about you. It’s about the other person not valuing what you bring to the table.
How many people try to shove their foot into a shoe even though it doesn’t fit (metaphorically speaking)? Sometimes people recognize what you’re offering, but it’s still not the right fit. Any amount of effort you put in after that point is a waste of your time and energy.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When men refuse to understand that life is much harder for women. It is a false belief that women have it easier than men. Women deal with societal pressures, physical threats, and economical inequalities—just to name a few. There are always exceptions, but generally speaking, the female existence is vastly different from men’s existence.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it! This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating, and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve. It’s time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
On today's episode, If You Need to Sell the Relationship to Your Partner, it Ain't Worth Buying. All right, I get a lot of questions about people finding the right partner. A lot of people will ask me, how do I find the right partner for myself? Once I start talking about it with them, I find that a lot of people really don't understand that they are a product, so to speak.
And I know you're a marketing guru, so I really want to hear your take on this.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
But for me, I liken it to them being like a product. They know what they can offer and they're putting it out there. They're marketing themselves.
Lis:
Of course.
Marlee:
And another person is either going to see the product and say, wow, I really want that product.
It's exactly what I'm looking for. Or they might say, yeah, doing some window shopping, not really for me. Or they might say, you know what? I didn't think that I needed a product like that, but I'm intrigued and I want to check it out.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
You're walking on the street, you pass a store, you see a dress in the window,
Lis:
I love a window shop. Yeah.
Marlee:
Let's say it's a fabulous green dress. And you say to yourself, I love it. It would be amazing on the red carpet. I'm never going to be on a red carpet. So even though I love it, it's not a product that I would ever bother getting right.
Lis:
Too fancy.
Marlee:
Too fancy. Exactly. It's not going to fit my life. But then you might walk into the store, and then you see the same dress, but it's in black. And you're like, huh, okay. I mean, I feel like it's still a fabulous dress, and I mean, maybe there are some events I could get away with wearing this. So maybe I should try it on. And you try it on, and you look spectacular in it. Right?
Lis:
I'm going to buy the dress.
Marlee:
And you're like, okay, I probably don't have any events, but I look amazing. I'm going to buy it. There's that scenario.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
But then there's also the scenario of same situation, but you go, you know what? This is really expensive, even though I look great in it. I don't really have any events to wear it to, even though I really like it. It's just not the right fit for my life right now.
Lis:
So sad. Buy the dress. No, I'm kidding.
Marlee:
This is what I mean when I say that if you have somebody that's interested in what you're marketing, in your product and they don't want to close the deal, you know what I mean? Like they don't want to buy it. They don't want to take it home.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
You don't need to sell it because people will buy what they want. You don't need to do the hard sell.
Lis:
No. That is totally true.
Marlee:
And I find for so many people, they do that hard sell Lis, and they don't accept the idea that you should never have to convince another person of your value. Right?
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
You should never have to convince another person that you're worth it. If they don't see your value, if they don't see what you offer and they don't want it. Why chase after them or why be heartbroken? I don't get it. Explain this to me.
Lis:
Well, I wish I could, but I feel like you do see this happening all the time. And I do think that there's so many people out there that feel like they want this relationship to work. Maybe they've invested a lot of time in it.
Maybe they haven't, but they feel like on paper that this person is perfect for them. And I feel like you get to a certain point where you're so willing to ignore so many red flags because you just don't want to see them. Because on paper, this person looks perfect for you. You made such a great point.
You should never have to sell yourself. Who you are should be enough to make somebody want to buy you right off the rack.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
I mean, it's just, you know, you made such a great analogy.
Marlee:
They don’t have to wait for you to go on sale.
Lis:
They don't need to wait for a red carpet event.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Like, to me, it's like you should be the perfect person for them at that moment in their life to make them want to take that next step.
Marlee:
People will always ask me, How do you know the person is the one? And I always say, you know, because you just said it beautifully Lis, you make that purchase, you close that sale. You don't think twice about it.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
The reason, you know, this person is going to be the one that you want to try and make it work long term is because in that moment, that is the person that you want to spend your life with. If somebody says to you, Oh, you know what? I'll only purchase the dress if it goes on sale. That means that the dress has to change, right?
Lis:
Oh. Yes.
Marlee:
Some element of it has to change.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Guess what? You're not a sale item. You're full price.
Lis:
That's right. You deserve to be a full priced item. Do you understand?
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
People should splurge to get you. You should never accept being a second choice. You should never accept being a backup. A lot of people have discussions about settling. Oh, you know, you need to settle. I'm not telling anybody to settle. I'm telling people to be realistic about what they offer and to be realistic about who that partner or potential buyer would be so to speak.
Lis:
What your expectations are.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And if you're realistic, do not settle. Now, if you're unrealistic, if you’re a dress that costs thousands of dollars, so that there's very few people in the world that could afford you full price. You're being ridiculous because you're not going to find the ideal buyer.
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
To continue my analogy. I love this analogy.
Lis:
No, I'm loving the analogy too because it's making so many great points. But you know, I think that a lot of people that do feel like they have to sell themselves in a relationship, it's almost like they feel like if they work harder or put more into this relationship, they're all of a sudden going to be noticed in a different light, and that does not happen.
Marlee:
No, the hard sell is desperation.
Lis:
It's desperation.
Marlee:
I want everyone to think about when they walk into a store.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And they happen to look at something just out of curiosity, and all of a sudden like this salesperson is like on top of them being like, You should get this. This is fabulous. It's wonderful. It's the best. It looks so great on you. And you're just like, Whoa, whoa, whoa. People can absolutely taste and smell desperation.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
So if you're trying to do that hard sell, it's never going to work.
Lis:
No. Exactly.
Marlee:
If anything, walk away. Let the person see what you've offered. I don't know about you, Lis. How many times have you had remorse about walking out of a store and not getting something?
Lis:
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, baby.
Marlee:
That's right. You get home and you're like, damn, I love that dress. You know what? I'm going to go back tomorrow. And then what happens?
Lis:
Maybe it's there. Maybe it's not.
Marlee:
That's right. Nine out of ten times it's gone because somebody else saw the value and bought that dress. You have to understand what your value is and you have to believe it. And if you value yourself, somebody else will see your value.
Lis:
Well, and also put your self esteem aside, right? Because a lot of people take that into a play and they make it personal. Like what could I do differently to make this relationship change?
What could I do differently to make this person love me the way that I love them? What could I be adding? How could I work harder? And the thing that you have to realize is that you're not the problem. The relationship is the problem.
Marlee:
That’s right.
Lis:
This relationship is not the right fit.
Marlee:
Or the person…
Lis:
The relationship is not the right fit. The person is not the right fit for you. This is not the right relationship. It's not about you. It's about the other person not valuing what you're bringing to the table. And that's okay. It's not the right fit. Walk away. Don't work harder.
Marlee:
Listen, I'll give another analogy again with the clothes because I love the clothes. Oh my god, did I just sound like Trump?
Lis:
I literally was just looking at you like, wow, that was weird.
Marlee:
That was a little strange. Anyway, I have a small shoe size. My shoe size is always the one that's on display.
Lis:
Sample size baby.
Marlee:
Yeah. I can't tell you how many times I see women try and shove their foot. I'm a size 5 and they try and shove their size 7 foot into that shoe and it hurts because it doesn't fit. People will sometimes try something and then recognize it doesn't fit and people have to accept that. That's their problem.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Unfortunately, it becomes my problem because their big fat foot ends up stretching the leather and makes it too big.
Lis:
Yeah, exactly.
Marlee:
But you get my point.
Lis:
I do.
Marlee:
Is that there are times where people absolutely want what you're offering. But they recognize it's not the right fit and don't take it personally.
Lis:
It's not the right fit for them and that's okay. And they should have the opportunity to say and be comfortable saying this is not the right fit for me. Any amount of work or effort that you're going to put in post that point is going to be for nothing.
Marlee:
That's right. And I'll tell you something else. Don't do the bait and switch. Do not do the bait and switch. Do not say, Oh, I'm a dress. That's a hundred dollars, but in fact, you’ve left off a zero and it's one thousand dollars. Don't do the bait and switch because people resent that like there's no tomorrow. Don't be the chameleon. Don't pretend to be somebody or something that you're not to try and seal the deal, to try and get that relationship. It will come back to haunt you.
Lis:
Yeah. Cause how long can you keep up that act?
Marlee:
That's right. You can only keep up the charade for so long.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
I really do think that it needs to be a wake-up call if you keep putting yourself out there. As a product and nobody wants to seal the deal. Nobody wants to close on that transaction. You need at that point to take a step back and to really ask yourself, what am I putting out there? Why am I not getting any interest? Why am I not getting any potential buyers? You need to really do that deep dive because you might find that it's just the smallest tweak that can completely change up the opportunity for you.
Lis:
I think that's a great point. No, I think that's a great point because listen, it could be as minor as maybe your expectation level in a certain area is off and what you're bringing to the table is not going to counterbalance that.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
I don't know. I think that's a great point. I think taking a deep dive and really understanding and maybe really understanding what you're looking for at this point in your life as well.
Marlee:
Yeah. No, listen, I'll give you a perfect example. Maybe you're looking for a fit partner, but you yourself aren't particularly fit. Well, a fit person is usually looking for another fit person. So if you then just say, you know what, I'm going to make an active effort to start exercising and increase my fitness, that act then might make you a better fit for a fit person, right?
If you're fit, they're fit, there's more things you guys can do together that would increase your commonality. And again, I'm going to continue the analogy because I'm going to beat this damn thing to death. I have to say when you offer yourself like you're a clearance item, people are going to treat you like shit.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
It's that simple. If you say, you know what, I've been on sale, no one's buying me, like I'm really marked down, the person who's going to say yes is going to say yes not because they really want you, not because they really value you, but the attitude is you're a throwaway. Yeah, you know what, I'll be with this person until something better comes along. I'll be with this person until it gets damaged. Right?
Lis:
Ugh, I'm just like sitting here nodding, but that one hits home. That's a terrible one.
Marlee:
But it's true.
Lis:
It is true. I'm just thinking of bargain basement. If you're really putting yourself out there like that it’s desperation.
Marlee:
If you don't view yourself as worth anything. No one else is going to.
Lis:
Yes. Nobody else will.
Marlee:
And if you basically ask for the bare minimum, that's how you will be treated.
Lis:
And that's all you're going to get.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
That's because nobody's going to make an effort. That’s right.
Marlee:
So, I mean, listen, what I want you to think about is that when you are out there and you're looking for a partner, really make sure the product that is you, that you're offering is realistic is honest, is something that other people would find desirable. And don't assume what you think other people will find desirable, because I know for example a lot of women are all about, oh, men only care about looks. In some sense, yes, looks are important but your character, who you are, your sense of humor, your independence, your willingness to try new things.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Those types of qualities are so much more valuable than being a hottie. That's the truth, long term.
Lis:
That is the truth.
Marlee:
Anybody who's looking for something long term, they're looking for more than just a hot piece of ass. That's just the reality. I want people to really be thoughtful about that. And for our male listeners, same thing.
So many men are like, Oh, she only wants somebody who's tall. Again, you know what? Number one quality that women look for in a man? Guess what it is, Lis.
Lis:
I'd say humor.
Marlee:
You got it. Good sense of humor. Not taking yourself too seriously. Oh, and by the way, the ability to listen, not just talk about yourself.
Lis:
Oh yeah. That's a big one.
Marlee:
So if you don't have the height, you think women desire, there are other things you can do to make yourself…
Lis:
You had better be funny.
Marlee:
No, no, to make yourself very desirable. Don't be down on yourself. Recognize all of the amazing qualities you have to offer and market those.
Lis:
And I was going to say, that's the perfect point right there. Know your value, understand your value, and don't settle for anything that is less than what you feel like you need to have a fulfilling relationship.
Marlee:
Well said.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When Men Refuse to Understand that Life is Much Harder for Women.
Lis:
Bring it.
Marlee:
Do you mind if I start?
Lis:
Please do.
Marlee:
All right. It is a false belief that women have it easier than men. There are societal pressures, emotional burdens, physical threats, economic inequalities, and unfair standards for beauty to name just a few.
Your partner should recognize the serious and real issues that women face every day and appreciate all that we go through and yet still survive and thrive. Your partner should acknowledge that you take on the majority of child care, domestic labor, familial interactions, loss of sleep, care of the sick and elderly.
We make appointments, drive and cook. When you add additional pressure to perform sexually and help financially support the family, it becomes a crushing load.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
There always are exceptions to the rule, but generally speaking, the female existence is vastly different from the male existence, and there needs to not only be acknowledgement, but also appreciation.
Lis:
Got it.
Marlee:
It often makes me feel misunderstood and frustrated when my partner doesn't understand all of this. It feels unfair and like the expectations that are put onto the female partner are always extremely difficult to meet. It creates feelings of resentment.
Lis:
Yes, it does.
Marlee:
It shows a complete lack of empathy for my daily situation, my daily existence, and my daily routine.
And it can create feelings of insecurity in the female partner because she often feels like she's failing her partner and the family because it is so difficult to get everything done.
Lis:
Man.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
Got it. Wow.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Those are really good.
Marlee:
I want to hear yours.
Lis:
Okay. It's so easy to say that you're not judgmental, men. It's so easy to think that you have an astonishing amount of empathy for others. But for some reason, it doesn't translate over to women.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Stop comparing their struggles to what everyone else is going through. It's quite frankly rude, degrading, and makes the other person feel unimportant.
Marlee:
Yep.
Lis:
You can never really understand someone until you consider the things from their point of view. And I think that it's really hard for a lot of men. They look to compare with their own struggles. Let's start with a few of the obvious struggles that only women face. Pregnancy, childbirth, and menstrual cycles.
Marlee:
Oh, hallelujah.
Lis:
Women are vulnerable both inside and outside their homes. They live with fear of assault just for being a woman.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And listen, men love to fix things. Women just want to be heard.
Marlee:
Beautifully said. We just had our feminist vets.
Lis:
We really did.
Marlee:
Listen, it's important. I think that there are a lot of couples where the male partner doesn't fully grasp how much the female partner goes through on a daily basis.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
And I just want our male listeners to understand that we're not bitching and complaining, and you know, just whining. These are real things that have a true impact on us. And that then translates to our emotions and our reactions in the relationship.
Lis:
Absolutely. We're just expected to soldier on in the relationship.
Marlee:
Always.
Lis:
Take it all in, take it all on, and not say anything about it.
Marlee:
That's right. But we want people to start saying things. We want people to Romancipate themselves. And you know what? We want the appreciation that we absolutely have earned.
Lis:
Amen.
Marlee:
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www. Romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released.
Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast, please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify. Reviews let Apple know that great listeners, like you, enjoy our show, and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again, and stay Romancipated.