H.O.P.E. is a Four-Letter Word

00:00

Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.

00:30

It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.

Marlee:

On today's episode. Hope is a Four-Letter Word, and I mean H.O.P.E.  Lis. I do not like the word hope to me it is a bad word. 

Lis:

Oh, it's like a four-letter word. 

Marlee:

It's like a four-letter word.

00:53 

You're darn right it's a four-letter word. Yeah. Listen, anytime you hope something will happen in a relationship, you're letting someone else control your destiny. You can't make another person do say or feel what you want. They either want to be with you or they don't want to be with you. They're either going to do it or they're not going to do it.

01:17

To hope, oh, I just hope. I hope, nonsense. What a waste of energy. When issues arise, you can't bury your head in the sand and hope it goes away or resolves itself. You must confront your feelings. Confront I say, and share them with your partner. You and I always say communication is key. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

This hope, nonsense, it's nonsense.

01:39

It's just, it's ludicrous to me. It's okay to want certain things out of relationship or a partner Lis. 

Lis:

You got it. 

Marlee:

It's also fine, and we encourage you to communicate those wants or needs. But if another person or your partner has indicated either directly or indirectly that they cannot or don't want to meet your wants…

02:07

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

Or your needs, then it's time for you to move on. Hoping that things are going to change is nothing. It is nothing more than a waste of time and energy. 

Lis:

Yes.

Marlee:

I'm telling you, if you want certain things to happen in your romantic life, you need to actively make them happen. 

Lis:

That's a great point.

02:32

Marlee:

Remember that you can never control another person. You can only control yourself. So, if you are looking for something and another person is not compatible, they don't deliver what it is you're looking for. The relationship isn't going to develop no matter how much you hope. Oh, I hope…No! 

Lis:

So yes. Okay. 

Marlee:

I had to just say no.

02:54 

I'd love to hear your thoughts. 

Lis:

You know what? You went into it and you're just like, it's a four-letter word that hope, and you know, I feel like a lot of people out there do hope for certain things. I think you're totally right on though. Hoping is a waste of time. There's no action involved in hoping.

Marlee:

Hoping takes away your agency.

Lis:

And it takes away your ability to constructively build a relationship. Hoping that somebody else is going to do something.

03:26 

Is never going to work. 

Marlee:

If I hoped my husband was going to get me off tonight, are you kidding? No, I am going to make sure.

Lis:

Exactly. 

Marlee:

I'm like, dude, tonight it's all about me and my pleasure. It's not, oh, I hope I have an orgasm. Nah, forget the hope. I mean, make it happen. 

Lis:

And you know what? I really love the point you made, that you are only in control of yourself.

03:48

Marlee:

That's right. 

Lis:

Your point is so solid and it will take you through your entire life if you realize that you can only control yourself. Hoping that somebody else is going to do something to make you feel better, to change the way that you think about something, you only control yourself. 

Marlee:

That's right.

04:08

Lis:

Don't hope. Take it out of your vocabulary. 

Marlee:

Thank you. A Romancipated person does not hope. They do not hope. 

Lis:

There's no action. And you said that.

Marlee:

Right.

Lis:

Well, there's no action in hope.

Marlee:

Hoping is giving control to another person. Hoping is putting all your cards out there and then waiting for somebody to shuffle the deck for you.

04:31

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

You know what I mean? It's like, no, you want to play the game. You take the deck, you pick your cards, you shuffle them the way you want. You don't wait for another person to deliver. You need to deliver for yourself. 

Lis:

Now I'm angry at this word. Like who even came up with the word hope? 

Marlee:

No. Listen. 

Lis:

What does it even mean?

04:52

Marlee:

You know, for me, hope is what keeps so many people in abusive and destructive relationships. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

I hope he changes. I hope she's not going to hit me again. I hope he can get past his addiction. I hope. I hope. I hope. No. No hoping. People are going to do what they do and be who they are. And once they have revealed to you…

Lis:

Yes.

Marlee:

Their intentions, their feelings, their lack of respect for you, the lack of respect for the relationship, whatever it is, the moment you start to feel Lis, like you hope something will happen.

05:38 

That's when you need to listen to your instinct and you need to leave the relationship. Hope should never be part of a romantic relationship. You can hope to win the lottery. 

Lis:

Oh, there you go. All right. There's a good use for it. 

Marlee:

You can hope to visit Paris one day. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

But when it comes to a romantic relationship, hoping, I hope he'll change his mind about children.

06:06

Are you kidding me? 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

I mean, forget it. It's ludicrous. Get the hope out of the romantic relationship. 

Lis:

Hope, it doesn't belong. 

Marlee:

Hope is a four-letter word. Why I say hope is a four-letter word Lis is because hope can really fuck you over. All right. 

Lis:

There's another four-letter word for you. 

Marlee:

Exactly. 

Lis:

Yeah, exactly.

06:29 

Marlee:

It really can when your partner uses hope as a way to manipulate you into doing things or staying with them. 

Lis:

Yeah.

Marlee:

Right? Hope is a double-edged sword for the person who keeps wishing that something is going to happen or change. And for the person who keeps praying upon this hopefulness… 

Lis:

Like dangling that carrot.

06:59 

Marlee:

Absolutely. Yes. That's a wonderful example like dangling a carrot. People need to recognize when the person they are with is manipulating them, is misleading them. Is basically telling them what they want to hear to keep the hope going. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

They are fanning the flames of the hope, and I think that so many people don't recognize when this is happening.

07:31

Lis:

No, because like you said, hope is out there and people want to make some of these relationships, like you said, like I hope they don't do this. I hope they can get past this addiction. I hope that they can pick up the slack and take care of the kids and do the things people hope for so many different things that so many different levels.

07:52 

Marlee:

That's right. And it also hope wastes so much time. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

I know we already said that, but it wastes so much time. Let me give you an example of how hope wastes so much time. I want you to think of how many relationships you either know about or have heard about, where one person desperately wants to take the relationship to the next level.

08:13 

Maybe they've been dating and they're living together, or they want to get married. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

And it's usually the man who unfortunately doesn't want to take the commitment to the next level. And the woman desperately clings on to this hope that he's going to propose, that he's going to commit to her.

08:34 

And he'll say things, oh, when we're engaged, or he'll take her ring shopping or he'll…

Lis:

What a dirty bird. 

Marlee:

Yeah. Like dangle these little carrots. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

In front of her to make her think okay…

Lis:

There's a chance. 

Marlee:

You know what? It's going to happen. It's going to happen. There's a chance. And I think it is so cruel. The fact is, once you're at a certain age, you recognize pretty quickly if this is the person for you.

09:02

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

Both people recognize it. And if you recognize that your partner is the right one for you and they haven't recognized it, but you're hoping that they will and then act on it. You are blind because if they don't feel the same way about you… walk. 

Lis:

Yeah.

Marlee:

Walk away.

Lis:

Don’t waste your time. 

Marlee:

Don’t waste your time.

09:29

I have countless friends who have wasted years in relationships that were absolute dead ends because they clung to the hope and the guy kept manipulating them because he got what he wanted. The relationship got to stay on his terms…

Lis:

And they feel like they had invested so much… 

Marlee:

That’s right. 

Lis:

So at that point you're walking away from a lot.

09:55

Marlee:

But here's the thing. Anytime I would say to them, walk away. They would then use an example of where he mentioned marriage.

Lis:

Right.

Marlee:

Or he did something that would indicate that they're going to take the relationship to the next level. Maybe they went house hunting, or maybe they talked about children.

10:13 

So they actually are like…

Lis:

They were clinging to that house.

Marlee:

Clinging and grabbing and hoping that, you know, okay, so he is going to take it to the next level and it would be year after year. And I'm like, at what point are you going to open your eyes and recognize this person isn't going to give you what you want?

10:32

Lis:

Enough is enough. 

Marlee:

You've said, yeah, you've said what you wanted. They're not delivering. They are manipulating you. It is cruel. It is unfortunate, but it is common. 

Lis:

It is. 

Marlee:

And I think that if more people looked at hope and understood how easily that concept can be abused… 

Lis:

Yep. And distracting.

10:52

Marlee:

Absolutely. They would be much more aware of how they are being treated by the person who is doing it to them. 

Lis:

Absolutely. 

It's venting time with Marlee and Lis. 

Marlee:

It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When My Partner Corrects Me or Chastises Me in Public or in Front of Other Couples and Friends.

11:21

Lis:

I mean, it's the worst. 

Marlee:

Oh my, so Lis, would you like to go first? 

Lis:

Oh yeah. I'm going to take it. Let me just start by saying that being publicly humiliated by the person who's supposed to have your back, love and support you is not okay. Ever. 

Marlee:

Agree.

Lis:

Yes. I took this one a little bit differently because I wanted to give two almost examples of where people on the opposite side of this feel like they're being helpful.

11:50

And it's not so…

Marlee:

Oh, okay. 

Lis:

Yeah. Confronting a reality. What do you do when your partner makes a statement about himself or herself that you know is not true? Right. Nothing. You do nothing. Public correction of a reality does little to effect change or elicit support. The exposure generally fuels shame and defensiveness.

12:14

Marlee:

Yes. 

Lis:

And listen, I feel like there's times where I've for sure probably been guilty, where you're like, that's not true. You don't do that. 

Marlee:

Yeah. 

Lis:

But in your head, you're kind of shaming them. I also feel like this is a great example of needing accuracy in details. Unless lives, egos or reputations are at stake in a social situation, the accuracy of the details should never take precedent over your partner’s joy of telling a story.

12:40

Marlee:

Yes.

Lis:

Or something else. Be like, Elsa, let it go. It cannot be that important. You're just going to like embarrass or shame them that they didn't get all of the details correct. And I just feel like that is so wrong and it is a point of humiliation and you're correcting them in front of people, and how is that elevating the situation?

12:58 

I think it's a controlling behavior when somebody constantly needs to step in and prove a point and make their partner feel embarrassed. So to me, it's a big red flag when somebody consistently and constantly, puts somebody else down and try to almost make themselves look better or to correct a situation.

13:16 

Marlee:

Okay. I love those because yes, I have experienced those and you are spot on. Love them. I took it a slightly different direction. I don't think that shocked you in any way. 

Lis:

No.

Marlee:

But similar. I'm going to start off by saying that this type of behavior enrages me. It enrages me. 

Lis:

Witnessing it. It's just like, yes.

13:35

Marlee:

Or experiencing it. 

Lis:

Or experiencing it. 

Marlee:

It enrages me. It is beyond disrespectful and thoughtless. It signals such an unhealthy power imbalance in the relationship. A partner that respects you would never undercut you in front of other people. Everyone is bound to make mistakes or misspeak from time to time.

13:56

Even if you think you're helping your partner out, it's always better to offer a correction in private and only if your partner is receptive to that type of conversation. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

If you have the type of relationship where you don't see how embarrassing or thoughtless it is to demean your partner in front of others, then you need to really do some soul searching.

14:20

Why do you need to point out a mistake at all? It's a sign of your insecurity. 

Lis:

Absolutely. 

Marlee:

If you feel the need to chastise or correct your partner in front of others, you lack empathy because I guarantee that you would not find it acceptable if your partner did the same thing to you. Your partner should be your equal, and therefore you do not have the right to punish or scold them in front of other people.

14:47 

Even if they did something wrong or said something incorrect, there's a time and a place to address it. In front of others is never the time or place. 

Lis:

Nope. 

Marlee:

You are their partner, not their parent. 

Lis:

Yes. Ugh. Yes. 

Marlee:

If you are embarrassed by your partner's behavior or the things they say, then you need to reassess why you're with the person in the first place.

15:11

Lis:

Got it. 

Marlee:

It's also incredibly uncomfortable for the people that are present when you correct or reprimand your partner. It's a bad look and it should be seen as a major red flag. Absolutely, and I agree with you, Lis. Often when people are telling a story or relaying some sort of details about something in the moment, they might get them wrong, or there might be a part that they leave out purposefully because maybe they're trying to spare somebody else from maybe embarrassment…

Lis:

Totally.

15:41 

Marlee:

Or revealing the identity. And then when somebody comes in and corrects the story, it instantly makes it seem like the individual telling the story is either lying…

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

Or is somehow foolish…

Lis:

Or exaggerating…

Marlee:

Or didn't get the truth.

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

And sometimes not everything in a story is for public consumption.

16:02

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

And so I find it so incredibly thoughtless and selfish when another person does that. I'll tell you another one that really gets to me. We all stumble over our words. We all sometimes misuse a word or mispronounce a word. 

Lis:

Oh, I know where you're going with this. Yes. 

Marlee:

Do not correct the person in public.

16:24

It is humiliating, it is degrading, and it is unnecessary. Every single person is guilty of this. Every single person has done it at some point.

Lis:

Yes.

Marlee:

Now, if you see a pattern of somebody misusing a word, because it's obviously they don't understand what it really means. I don't think there's anything wrong within private saying, Hey sweetie, you know what?

16:47 

Every time you use that word, you're actually mispronouncing the word…

Lis:

Or you’re meaning to use this word. 

Marlee:

Or you’re using the wrong word. There's nothing wrong with that because I think a lot of people don't want to feel foolish in front of others. 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

And so they would appreciate it.

Lis:

Absolutely.

17:01

Marlee:

You saying that, but when you do it in person, in front of other people, you have just become like the teacher and they're like your student and its such a power play. 

Lis:

You’re chastising them. Yes. 

Marlee:

It makes me ill 

Lis:

Gross.

Marlee:

Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast or to learn more about us, visit www.Romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast,

17:42

please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify. Reviews let Apple know that great listeners like you enjoy our show and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again and stay Romancipated.