Focus on the Foundational Traits of a Partner, Not the Aspirational Traits

00:00

Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve. 

00:30

It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated. 

Marlee:

Today's topic, Focus on Foundational Traits of a Partner, Not Aspirational Traits. 

Lis:

Oh, I'm actually really excited to hear what you have to say about this.

Marlee: Okay. Well, so this very much plays to our Romancipation philosophy.

00:53

Lis:

It definitely does. 

Marlee:

A great relationship is based on a really strong foundation. Right. And as you and I have spoken about multiple times, the foundation needs to be built on trust, respect, commonality, communication.

Lis:

Seems like the pillars to me. 

Marlee:

Yeah, exactly. Right. I mean, it really does. 

01:15

And when you build on those pillars, you open yourself up to go really high aspirationally, right? Think of it almost like a building. The more your foundation is sturdy and strong, and it's structurally sound, the higher you can build, right? Yeah. Yeah. If you have a weak foundation, the more weight you put on that tower, it will eventually collapse. 

01:43

And I liken it to when people have these focuses on looks, incomes, social power, athleticism, artistic ability, all these things they might look for in a potential partner. When you focus on that, that's, that's like the upper stories of the building. You know what I mean? If you build that strong foundation, you can aspire to really start looking and developing those types of things.

02:13

Lis:

You give really the best analogies because as you're describing these stories, I can just like imagine the concrete being poured and then like, yeah, all of those other things starting to level up. So I actually really appreciate that because you shed a good light.

Marlee:

Well, thank you 

02:28

But the truth is, I think so many relationships fail because people are so focused on the aspirational traits. They are focused on the resume instead of the person. They are looking at the individual as a sum of parts instead of looking at the whole, they're looking more at the potential, the dream, the aspirational.

02:55

Lis:

No, I think that that's, it's such a good point to be making because so many people go into looking for their potential partner and putting a lot of those very superficial qualities first. It is a lot of what attracts you to somebody at the beginning, right? You know, you're typically attracted to somebody that has the appearance that you would like, and you're willing to open up a conversation. 

03:23

But I think more of what you're talking about is once you've met whoever that person is, I think. You have to be able to build that foundation first before you can start to layer on a lot of those things. And I think that when we're younger, those superficial qualities feel a whole lot more important that they do now.

03:44

Marlee:

Yes. That is a great point. 

Lis:

When you get older and you look back, even if you're just dissecting past relationships, and I know you and I have definitely done this, I think you realize that a lot of the reasons that those relationships had failed was because they didn't have that foundational structure, and we put more importance on some of those superficial qualities. 

04:08

Rather than what was going to build a lasting relationship. 

Marlee:

You're right. Okay. Let me give you the perfect example. Wealth. I think this is something a lot of people seek out. Males, females, everybody. They want financial security.

Lis:

Sure. A lot of people seek it out, it's a comfort level.

04:25

Marlee:

That's right. Exactly. Yep. Here's the deal. If the person you seek out is wealthy before they ever got involved with you. Number one, there's always going to be a suspicion on their part of did you really want them for what they truly had to offer outside of the wealth, what they had to offer as a person, as a partner, right? 

04:48

Or was that really what you focused on? There's always going to be those cases where it's very much a contractual type of relationship where the person is basically saying, yeah, I'm a total asshole, but I'm going to offer you security. And the other person is going to say, okay, I'm accepting you're an asshole. 

05:08

What I just really want is security. And listen, those relationships are more common than you think. As long as both people get it and consent to it and know exactly what they're getting into, right. Eyes wide open. 

Lis:

Well, but also, I mean, listen, if the only thing that you're going after is wealth for security, then you're kind of doomed to that anyway because you're going to get what you get and don't get upset. You know what I mean? 

05:34

Marlee:

Yeah. That's very true. But I'm just saying that there are a lot of people who, they zero in on wealth and they hope everything else will sort of fall into place. And then there are other people who are very commercial about it, where they each want something the other one has, and there's an agreement.

05:46

Lis:

Right. So hopefully that other person has something else to offer. 

Marlee:

Yeah, right. Well usually it's looks, or a very talented vagina. I don’t know. 

Lis:

But, can you have a talented vagina? 

Marlee:

I think you can. 

Lis:

Can we just take a minute here? 

Marlee:

Yeah, I think you can. I think I have a talented vagina.

06:01

Lis:

I mean, what is your vagina doing? 

Marlee:

I don't know. I think she has a mind of her own, but like, no, I think she's talented. Can she play the violin? No, but she can do other things. Okay. But let's go back to like the concept of wealth. When you find somebody who's already, wealthy, you know, it does start to create cracks in your foundation. 

06:23

Lis:

Okay. Give me some examples on that. 

Marlee:

For example, outside forces, maybe the individual who's wealthy, family members or friends are going to be suspicious of you. People might add judgment onto you that makes you react in certain ways, which then, then creates some kind of tension in the relationship.

06:42

Lis:

So the foundation is cracking due to outside forces. Because of you, not due to like your partnership. 

Marlee:

No, but it could if you're basing the foundation on that wealth. 

Lis:

Okay. So you're saying that the foundation is weak.

Marlee:

Yeah. But if you together, you each bring skill sets to the relationship and respect and trust and together you guys build that wealth, you have a much greater chance of having the relationship succeed. 

07:15

Lis:

Right, because you’re probably picking a partner that you know, has a certain ambition level, right? To grow that together. 

Marlee:

Well, sure. That can be part of the foundational traits that you're looking for, that you have these shared maybe ambitions, right? 

07:31

Because we're talking about commonalities, right? If you both are savers versus spenders, or you both believe in being entrepreneurs, right? Or something. What I'm saying is that, when you match up on these foundational traits, it empowers you to just keep building higher and higher, and the chances are that you will stay together because you've built something together and you respect each other and you recognize that you couldn't have done it without the other person. 

07:57

That's when people chase after these aspirational traits like wealth, beauty, fame or social power. Those types of things. What they're doing is they are instantly creating a weakened foundation because they're focusing on the wrong characteristics of their potential partner. And that's what I mean when I say you’ve got to focus on the traits of a partner that are real, that you see that they actually have and that they can actually share with you, and that you can learn from and that you can grow from. 

08:37 

It's when you’re really zeroed in on the aspirational on like what you think your life is going to be, where you see yourself living. If people are now all of a sudden going to look at you as though you're more important or more special, that is when you are dooming the relationship, and you're also really potentially ignoring a really great person, or you're potentially ignoring a really nasty person who could end up making your life a living hell. 

09:07

Lis:

Well, and I was also going to say, I think that I've witnessed so many people that maybe you didn't feel like we're going into the relationship for those particular things. They probably were in hindsight, but that the wealth went away and what was left.

09:24

Marlee:

Yeah.

Lis:

Or, and let's be honest, looks go away. I've seen a lot of those relationships and what do you think happens? 

Marlee:

Well, that building crumbles. 

Lis:

That's right. It crumbles. No, and that's I think, exactly the point you were trying to make. That when you go into a relationship with those types of expectations, nothing is a given and nothing is permanent. 

09:42

So when you don't kind of start off with those types of qualities that can last for a lifetime, you could potentially be left with a broke bald, not singing vagina. 

Marlee:

Wow. I almost want to be offended, but I'm not.  First of all, the bald vagina. Not quite my style, but, you know…

Lis:

I was talking about a bald person, but you know, your vagina clearly plays the violin, so you're fine.

10:10

Marlee:

I said she didn't play the violin, but she had other skill sets and talents.

Lis:

So she sings. 

Marlee:

That's right. Well sometimes she does, sometimes. She’s multifaceted gal. That's all I'm going to say. 

Lis:

Fascinating on that. 

Marlee:

Yeah. But, okay, so let's refocus back on our foundational traits of a partner versus aspirational traits. 

10:36] 

I also want to talk about just the importance of people being able to really grow. as a couple, because we evolve. 

Lis:

We do evolve. Humans aren't, I think it's really harder to do than you think. Well, not than you think, but I think in general. 

Marlee:

Right. To evolve? 

Lis:

To evolve. But to evolve together. 

Marlee:

I agree. 

10:59

And that's what I mean when I say I agree with you. Yes. I think a lot of people evolve and they tend to evolve in opposite directions. And that's what I mean when I say you're sharing these traits. When you're really having this trust built, when there's great communication, when you take personal responsibility, when you are clear with your motivations and your intent as to why you're with this person and your guys really match up on those wants and needs. 

11:30 

I think you are in a great position to evolve together where you're getting stronger and you're reinforcing each other instead of evolving apart. 

Lis:

And that's not to say that you're not going to have different interests as you go. 

Marlee:

Oh, you should always have some different interests. 

Lis:

I 100% agree with that, but it's really kind of talking more about how you evolve emotionally together. 

11:55

Marlee:

Yes. 

Lis:

And how you support one another. 

Marlee:

Yes. 

Lis:

How you support one another, and that your empathy is there and that you're communication skills still remain intact and that you're accountable to one another. Because I think that's an excellent point because I think as you grow and age and take on different responsibilities in your life. 

12:15 

It's really easy to start to let certain pillars slip, if you will. And become more defensive. 

Marlee:

Well listen, over time a foundation can weaken.

Lis:

It can. Right. 

Marlee:

And then you need to reinforce it. 

Lis:

You're so right. 

Marlee:

And if you're not aware, the foundation is weakening. You have the potential for this collapse. 

12:36

With catastrophic results. 

Lis:

And a lot of people are really surprised by that. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like personally surprised when you thought you were going along and you had great communication and you were saying everything that you wanted to say and you were and their partner wasn't on the same page. 

12:52

Because they've shifted or changed. And people get very blindsided and surprised by that. But I will also say that a lot of it has to do with your own self-awareness, right? Because, you were clearly not in tune knowing that your partner was feeling a different direction or a different way. 

13:11

Marlee:

Okay. You just revealed my vagina's talent. She's very self-aware.

13:17

Lis:

I knew it would come full circle. 

Marlee: 

There you go. 

Lis:

I knew it. 

It's venting time with Marlee and Lis. 

Marlee:

It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. 

Lis:

Woo-hoo. 

Marlee:

All right. Today's topic. Oh, this one? This makes my blood boil.

13:36

Lis:

Ooh. 

Marlee:

Are you ready? 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

When People Have Children as a Way to Keep Someone or Save a Relationship.

Lis:

Oh my gosh, I've seen this pitfall so many times. 

Marlee:

Okay, so can I? 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

Can I just take it? All right. Let's begin. Worst decision a person could ever make!

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

Okay. Seriously? It never works in the long term.

14:00

It destroys innocent lives. It is a very selfish and thoughtless act. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

It treats another human as a means to an end. 

Lis:

Uhhuh. 

Marlee:

It is beyond immature. It borders on psychotic. It is manipulative. 

Lis:

Sure is. 

Marlee:

It is irresponsible. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

And it is a permanent mistake that can never be erased. It's way too common of an occurrence, and I think it is the primary reason there are so many neglected and abused children in this world because they were not actually wanted by both members in that relationship.

14:45

It was one person making a unilateral decision because they wanted to keep the relationship and didn't even bother to think of the consequences and how it would impact the child that was created. 

Lis:

Oh my gosh. Ding, that was really a vent for you. 

Marlee:

Yes. Okay. So please go ahead. 

Lis:

No, listen, you know what? 

15:04

You're totally right, but let's be honest by saying that most marriages and partnerships completely take a nose dive anyway after having a baby. 

Marlee:

Ooh yeah.

Lis:

If you don't have a solid foundation and you're doing this as a way to keep a relationship alive, Dead in the water. 

Marlee:

Yes! 

Lis:

A baby will keep us closer together. Never happens. 

15:25

Marlee:

Never. 

Lis:

My partner will pay more attention to me with a baby. 

Marlee:

Oh my God. Delusional, please. 

Lis:

Babies add so many demands to an already busy life, and this stress can actually make crazy people out of the most common collected partners. I mean, you can be the most, calm person, but adding a baby to the relationship, like, forget it, 

Marlee:

It's relationship suicide. 

15:46

If it is not a wanted situation by both people in the relationship, it's a guarantee to create nothing but problems. 

Lis:

Yep. And We both have children.

Marlee:

And, and we both have children. So trust me, we love our children. We know what we're talking about. 

Lis:

You will be setting your children up for a life of total chaos. 

16:08

And parents tend to become more distant and business-like with each other as they attend to the details of parenting. It's not as though you're getting all of these warm, fuzzy sexual encounters after you have a kid.

Marlee:

Thank you. And the moment the kids come, the sex, eh, over, or at least it goes downhill.

16:25

Lis:

It goes downhill for a while. Like, listen, like that's not the time. 

Marlee:

What do you mean a while? 

Lis:

Your sexy, what am I missing?

Marlee:

Great points. Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com. 

16:47

Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook if you're enjoying the podcast. Please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify reviews. 

17:07

Let Apple know that great listeners like you enjoy our show and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again and stay Romancipated.