Finances and Philosophy: Questions to Ask Your Partner Part 1

00:00 

Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating, and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.

00:30

It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated. 

Marlee:

On today's episode. Finances and philosophy: Questions to Ask Your Partner. Okay, Lis. 

Lis:

It's so important. 

Marlee:

Yes. So you and I already did an episode where we talked about people having similar philosophies when it comes to finances.

00:53 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

Because I think it is such a critical element of a successful relationship.

Lis:

It is.

Marlee:

If you are not on the same page as your partner when it comes to money, there are going to be problems and conflicts. That is a guarantee. 

Lis:

Well, and those conflicts and problems kind of become exponential. The more…

Marlee:

Oh, they compound. 

Lis:

The longer you're together and the more responsibility that you have.

01:18

So yes, we're on the same page. 

Marlee:

Absolutely. So I want to start off with my favorite topic, and I'd love to get your take on it. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

It's debt. 

Lis:

Oh.

Marlee:

This is the big scary D, right? So many people nowadays carry debt. It just seems to be a very unfortunate reality of living in an expensive world. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

And it also is something that still holds, I think, a lot of stigma, and a lot of people don't want to talk about it.

01:49

A lot of people are ashamed of it, and a lot of people try to hide it. And yet, debt is so detrimental to a person as well as to their relationship. 

Lis:

Yeah.

Marlee:

So, I think it is critically important to really uncover what debt your partner has, and you need to be very honest about what debt you would bring into the relationship.

02:15

Lis:

Great points. I think that it really kind of all starts there, right? Because at the beginning of a relationship, that's kind of what the foundation is in terms of your financial situation. So if you can't be open about what kind of debt you are carrying or your partner's carrying, I think it affects every aspect of your life, right?

02:33

Because it affects where you can vacation together, it affects where you eat out together. 

Marlee:

Yeah. 

Lis:

It affects every decision that you make, and if it doesn't, then that's another conversation as well too. 

Marlee:

Yeah, no, I agree. When you're starting off at a deficit, right, like there's a negative in the old bank account.

02:51

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

That is a big thing to be discussing. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

It just is because like you said, it will have an influence on every single decision you make personally, as well as, decisions you make jointly as a couple. 

Lis:

Yep, exactly. 

Marlee:

So the first question obviously is do you have any debt? And then you want to know what kind. Is it credit card debt or student loans, because those are very different types of debt.

03:16

Lis:

Absolutely. 

Marlee:

One signals a desire to get an education. The other could signal responsible behavior, or it could signal very irresponsible money management skills. 

Lis:

Yes, right. 

Marlee:

Child support, that's a big one because in many states, child support lasts till the individual is twenty-one, and in some cases even longer if they're in school.

03:40 

Lis:

Is that true? 

Marlee:

Yes. This is not like a, oh, you know, minor problem. And guess what? People who do have child support that they are in arrears, meaning that they have not paid. In some states, you can be imprisoned for not paying your debt. This type of debt has serious consequences. 

Lis:

Absolutely. 

03:59

Marlee:

Car Payment. Guess what? If you don't pay it, what happens? Car gets repossessed. Kind of a big deal, especially if you need it to get from point A to point B. A home mortgage. Debt you need to know because if you can't pay it, you lose your home. You become homeless. Loans from family or friends again, potential legal issues down the pike.

04:20 

Certainly, complications in your interpersonal relationships. 

Lis:

You got it. 

Marlee:

So, these are things you need to be talking about. You also need to ask your partner, do you think it's okay to have debt? Because people have really different philosophies. 

Lis:

Ugh. Yes. No, I think that's a really good point. And I actually think that that probably stems largely from how you were raised.

04:41 

Marlee:

Oh, absolutely. 

Lis:

You know, I mean, what you saw your parents spending on. How you saw them treating money.

Marlee:

Yeah. 

Lis:

You know, and their philosophy. I think it definitely, you know, it goes generational. 

Marlee:

Yeah. 

Lis:

So it's important to ask that question. 

Marlee:

I was raised in a family where debt was a dirty word. Debt was unacceptable.

04:58

And I remember going to college and there were all those credit card tables and they were offering credit cards. And like the fool that I was, I was like, Ooh, I can get a credit card. I mean, that's awesome. And I signed up, I think I did two Citibank, I think I did a Visa and a MasterCard and a Capital One.

05:18

And yeah, and of course, so anytime I was going out with friends, anytime I wanted something, like I'd go shopping. I just whip out the old credit card. Prior to that I didn't have that issue, right? 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

And I will never forget Lis, being in my dorm room and getting those first bills.

05:34

Now admittedly, I think my credit limit for each one was $500.

Lis:

Right.

Marlee:

But guess what? When I got that bill for $1500 as in, I'd maxed out each one. 

Lis:

Yeah.

Marlee:

That scared the living shit out of me because I didn't have $1,500. 

Lis:

$1,500. Yes.

Marlee:

And I will never forget the phone call I had to make to my parents. It was not a phone call I wanted to make.

06:00

I had known though that I should never do just the minimum payment. Because of course I had no credit score. 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

I had like, I don't know, I want to say like a 19% interest rate. Insane, right? 

Lis:

Exactly. 

Marlee:

But so I knew enough about that and I remember calling my parents and my parents were like, you did what?

06:14

It looks so fun and I got a free pen and I got a key chain. But yeah. And I remember my parents said, One shot deal. One shot deal. Consider this your get out of jail card. Do it again. We're not helping you. You're on your own. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

And I remember. I got a check in the mail.

06:32

I paid them off and I cut them up.

Lis:

Smart.

Marlee:

Because I recognized I was not mature enough to be able to manage those credit cards. And I remember when I went home that summer and I had a long conversation with my parents and they were like, you have to set a budget. You have to live on your budget and you can get a credit card, but you make sure that it's for absolute necessities.

07:00

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

Groceries, gas, not… 

Lis:

A trip to the mall. 

Marlee:

That's right. Not a trip to the mall, not another pizza with some friends. It's on me. 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

You know, none of that. 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

And they were like, this needs to be for emergencies, not for everyday living. And listen, I'm not going to lie, throughout my life have I sometimes spent more than I should have?

07:20

Absolutely. I think anybody can fall into that trap. 

Lis:

Absolutely. 

Marlee:

But I am happy to say that I got a hold of it early on so that it didn't lead me down that awful rabbit hole. But, so when I talk about this, I know of what I speak of, I remember that pit in my stomach of going, how did this happen? What did I buy?

07:42 

Was it really this much?

Lis:

Right.

Marlee:

Now, remember we're talking like 30 something years ago when $1,500 was a lot. 

Lis:

Yeah.

Marlee:

That was a lot of money. 

Lis:

Of course. I would say it's still a lot of money for people today. 

Marlee:

Yes. Today. I mean that's somebody rental payment. Absolutely. That's car payment.

08:00

Lis:

That’s somebody’s car payment, that's groceries. Or you know, a family for a month or more. I mean, that's lot. 

Marlee:

Yeah, you're right. So these are just things that I need people to be thinking about. Another question is, do you believe in loans? 

Lis:

Big question. 

Marlee:

That's a huge question. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

Because there are a lot of people who don't believe in loans and or who are very uncomfortable with them because depending on your credit score, depending on your payment history, the interest rate can really vary.

08:27

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

And if you end up with a high interest rate, even if you think you're going to make that payment, heaven forbid something happens, you can get screwed really quickly. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

So there are a lot of people who just take the attitude, you know what? I'm not comfortable with loans. 

Lis:

I'd rather just pay cash.

08:41

Marlee:

Right? 

Lis:

That's right. Yep. 

Marlee:

There are people who are like, oh, I love loans, you know, and then I get another loan to pay off another loan, and they like play this game and that terrifies me. I don't even know how people play this credit debt chess game. I don't even know how they can like keep up with it.

08:54 

Lis:

No. 

Marlee:

You know, like they get one credit card to pay off another credit card. They're like, it's crazy to me. 

Lis:

It would make me, yeah, it would make me so anxious or feel so anxious having that just revolve around and listen, like everybody feels differently about money. 

Marlee:

Yes. 

Lis:

And some people do feel like it's monopoly money, like, oh, no big deal.

09:11 

Marlee:

I know. 

Lis:

But again, I think it was definitely how you were raised. And also, all of these questions are so important and they're so important to ask upfront. But if you haven't asked them upfront, it's still okay to ask the questions and to understand one of the things that I want to emphasize, it's so important to understand your financial situation and understand it completely.

09:38

Marlee:

Yes. 

Lis:

Regardless of what stage of your relationship you're in. 

Marlee:

Thank you for saying that. Absolutely. I agree 100%. 1000%. It does not matter what stage of life you're in, and it does not matter what stage of the relationship you're in. You should always be asking these kinds of questions. You should always know what your financial picture is.

10:01

Lis:

That's right.

Marlee:

Absolutely. That's a great point. 

Lis:

Even if you think you know what it is, really understand it. 

Marlee:

Yes. 

Lis:

Be involved. 

Marlee:

Absolutely. And keep track. 

Lis:

Keep track. 

Marlee:

You've got to keep track. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

Another question that you’ve got to ask is, do you think debt is unacceptable? And as a result, are you comfortable living a minimal lifestyle to avoid it?

10:20

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

Right? I mean, you need to ask your partner that again at any point in the relationship. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

At the beginning or even midway. Sometimes people have to downsize because they went way too far. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

Right? Their lifestyle was too extravagant and they need to say, you know what? This isn't acceptable anymore.

10:36 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

And so we're going to have to live in a very different way. You also should be asking your partner, what types of things are you willing to go into debt for? Right?

Lis:

Great question. Yeah. 

Marlee:

Medical expenses?

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

You kind of have to hopefully, right? 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

You want to save your life, a home, a place to live, schooling, a car, a vacation, right?

10:53 

I mean…

Lis:

Big questions. 

Marlee:

These are big questions. 

Lis:

Yeah. And their answers are actually really impactful. 

Marlee:

Absolutely. You should also be asking, what would you do for money in an emergency? If you don't have savings. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

Is that when you're willing to go into debt? 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

And also what qualifies as an emergency?

11:10

Lis:

Yeah. Oh, exactly. 

Marlee:

A big shoe sale at Bloomingdale's. Is that an emergency? 

Lis:

To some people it might be. 

Marlee:

Or getting, you know, medication… 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

For a serious illness. 

Lis:

Exactly. 

Marlee:

These are things you need to be talking about. 

Lis:

Well, it is, and I mean like even on that note, like do you prefer to buy things with cash or credit?

11:28

Like how do you purchase, how do you make big purchases? 

Marlee:

Yeah. 

Lis:

And yeah, I mean it's, Ugh, that's…

Marlee:

I agree. 

Lis:

What kind of bill payer are you? 

Marlee:

Yeah. 

Lis:

You know? 

Marlee:

Yeah. I mean, do you pay them on time? Do you pay the minimum? 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

Do you wait till you get one notice or two notices are overdue?

Lis:

That's right.

Marlee:

I mean, are you always playing the game with the electric company that the lights might go off today. 

Lis:

Right, exactly. 

Marlee:

Absolutely. 

Lis:

Electricity roulette. 

Marlee:

Yeah. You need to know this. You also, the same way, you need to know the deficit, you also need to know your partner's ideas about savings. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

In the short term as well as the long term. 

Lis:

Exactly. 

Marlee:

So questions you should be asking, what money do you have in savings currently?

12:08

What investments do you have? IRAs, T-bills, 401k, pensions. Do you have money in the stock market, in crypto, in gold, in art, in cars? I mean in your mattress, in a bank? No. Seriously. You know, like these are questions you need to know, and if somebody does have savings or they do have investments, you need to ask yourself and you need to ask them.

12:32

Do you think those investments are good ones? Crypto. Hello? 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

Now, some people would argue it's a great investment. Other people would say it was an awful investment. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

So you need to also be on the same page. The stock markets, some people are terrified of it. Other people love it. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

It's a big gambling game to them.

12:49 

Lis:

It is. 

Marlee:

Right? 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

So these are questions that you need to know about your partner.

Lis:

Absolutely.

Marlee:

Especially if your partner's the one who might be in charge of the money. 

Lis:

100%. Well, how about that? How do they spend their paycheck every month? Do they put it into savings? Do they budget? 

Marlee:

What percentage of their paycheck do they put into savings?

13:09 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

And does it change, if all of a sudden they get a raise? Let's say they put 15% of their paycheck after everything's taken out by the government and they put 15%. What if all of a sudden they get a big raise, do they still do 15% or do they, maybe now because they're making more money, they make it 20%.

13:25 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

What about if they get a bonus? 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

Do they put all of the bonus into savings or into an investment, or do they spend it as though it's like free money? 

Lis:

Exactly. 

Marlee:

You know, these are questions you need to be asking. You also need to be asking them of their investments, if they have any, have they been successful thus far?

13:44 

Lis:

There you go. 

Marlee:

What's your track record? 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

You keep investing, but you know, if you keep tanking… 

Lis:

Right.

Marlee:

Then do I want to invest with you? Do I trust you being the person that's managing our money? Are they open to changing their saving or their investing strategy? 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

Are they willing to get input from you?

14:03 

Are you willing to get input from them? 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

Right? 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

Important. You’ve got to talk about retirement. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

When do you see yourself retiring? 

Lis:

Great question. 

Marlee:

How old? 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

And where do you see yourself retiring? Because guess what? You can retire in a very expensive state and it's going to cost you a lot, or you can retire in a much less expensive state.

14:20

And your money will go further. 

Lis:

Yep. Good questions.

Marlee:

But if you're one of those people that doesn't want to like leave the state you're in, that's going to have an impact. 

Lis:

You got it. 

Marlee:

And also that opens a conversation of are you going to move? 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

Because again, there are a lot of people who will up and move based on taxes, based on lots of other types of financial situations.

14:39

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

So, you should know about your partner. If you two are perfectly happy in the Midwest and you think that's where you're staying and that's where you're going to raise your family, that's where you're going to have your relationship. But meanwhile, they're thinking in five years you guys are going to like up and move down south. 

Lis:

Right.

14:53

Marlee:

This is a conversation you need to have. 

Lis:

Absolutely. 

Marlee:

And it almost always is about job opportunities and money. 

Lis:

Got it. 

Marlee:

So you need to be talking about it. Another question, are you saving money for anything special? For yourself, for your children, like their education for family members, like maybe taking care of an elderly person or maybe a family member with special needs.

15:13

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

Right? 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

Are your savings realistic? Is there enough savings to go around? You should be asking, do you believe in maintaining an emergency fund. Again for medical expenses, car repairs, home repairs, any type of… 

Lis:

How about a layoff?

Marlee:

Yeah. You know, loss of a job, any of those things. And remember, is that emergency fund something purely for emergencies or is it savings?

15:34 

Because those can be very different things. There can be people who have savings. And they're letting those savings be invested. 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

And sometimes you enter into certain investments and you can't take that money out without severe penalties. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

While an emergency fund might just be that mattress. 

Lis:

Right.

Marlee:

Or that envelope or that bank account where the money is there that you can get to in a minute if you need it.

15:59 

Lis:

Right. Great question. 

Marlee:

Financial obligations. Right. You need to be asking about the person's financial obligations and also be honest about your own. Have you ever filed for bankruptcy? 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

Okay. 

Lis:

Because that one will come to bite you in the butt. 

Marlee:

Absolutely. Yeah. Certainly. If you then try to get a car or a home.

16:17

Lis:

That’s right. 

Marlee:

Or get a business loan. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

If you file for bankruptcy or your partner has, that's a big deal. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

And it will impact the interest rates and decisions you can make. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

Do you have any judgements against you? Do you owe back taxes to the IRS? 

Lis:

Ooh.

Marlee:

To the state government.  Are you expected to be the financial support for any family members?

16:37

Lis:

Right. Great question. 

Marlee:

Other children, dependents, elderly parents. 

Lis:

Yep.

Marlee:

Right? Do you get any supplemental income from family or a trust? A pension or legal settlement? 

Lis:

There you go. 

Marlee:

Because again, if you're relying on that, sometimes those things, oh, I don't know. They end up running out of money. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

16:55

Marlee:

They're not indefinite. They don't just necessarily keep going. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

So if you're depending on that as a source of income. 

Lis:

That's right. That's right. 

Marlee:

That's, that's an important thing to be knowing about. I know there's a lot of situations where people seem to be living large, but they're living large on somebody else's money.

17:10 

Lis:

Right. And that can go out the window… 

Marlee:

And that can go out in the window in a heartbeat. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

And their life can have a drastic change. 

It's venting time with Marlee and Lis. 

Marlee:

It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When My Partner Does Not Make Our Relationship a Priority Over Friends.

17:32

Lis:

Ooh. Ooh. 

Marlee:

Oh, you want to go first on this one? 

Lis:

Yeah. Oh, I'll take this one. All right. Listen, if your partner only puts you first when there's no other option than you are not their priority. You deserve someone who chooses you overall else, especially when it's important to you and when you need them. 

Marlee:

Yep.

17:49

Lis:

You are not a priority if your partner wants everything on their terms and expects you to make all the effort in your relationship. Someone who cares about you will make time for you. If your partner expects you to always adjust to fit their schedule, it's a sign they might not think of you as their priority.

18:07 

Marlee:

Ooh. 

Lis:

People make time for the things and people they want. The more they want it, the harder they will try to make time for it. 

Marlee:

Excellent point. 

Lis:

Putting your partner first means his or her needs, feelings and wellbeing take priority over other people or things. They deserve it. 

Marlee:

Yes. Oh, those are good. Okay, so mine are, friendships can be very tricky to navigate when it comes to romantic relationships.

18:33

If friends do not like or approve of your partner, it ends up creating unnecessary tension in all of your relationships. Friendships should endure the test of time if they're in fact based on mutual respect, admiration, and trust. Every person should expect that a romantic partnership will take priority over a friendship.

18:52

The fact is both types of relationships can peacefully coexist if boundaries are respected. When friends expect you to make them a priority over your partner, you should see that as an overstepping of your boundaries. When people enter into relationships, things change between friends and there should be a certain amount of flexibility and understanding.

19:14

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

When a partner feels that friends have a greater significance in the relationship, it's a red flag. Certainly, in the case of long-term relationships. If it's a new relationship, the friends may have more leeway in expecting the amount of time or attention they receive from a friend. Life stage should also be taken into account when prioritizing relationship.

19:36

Lis:

Yes.

Marlee:

You should never ignore your friends or take them for granted. But friendship is different than sharing your life with another person. 

Lis:

Got it. 

Marlee:

As in your romantic partner. It is reasonable to expect to be seen as more important to your partner than his or her friends, even their best friends.

19:57

Remember, you picked them. They picked you to build a life together. That by definition should give you priority over their friends, even lifelong friends. 

Lis:

You got it. 

Marlee:

Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com.

20:26 

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20:44

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