S3 Episode 8: Finances and Philosophy: Make Sure You Share the Same Worldview
Episode Summary
Money makes the world go around. How you view money and manage your finances will determine a significant aspect of your life. If you share similar philosophies with your partner about debt, saving, budgeting, investing and spending, you have a higher likelihood of achieving your financial goals. When two people are on the same page, they make joint decisions that end up being mutually beneficial.
If you and your partner have different priorities when it comes to family finances, you are much more likely to end up in conflict, especially if expectations are not met. Financial security can create stability in a relationship, while debt is stressful and adds pressure to a relationship. It colors every decision and often causes partners to point the finger at each other instead of working together as a unit. If you and your partner have an unhealthy relationship with money, you will need to make a concerted effort to overcome bad habits and learn economic discipline.
Moreover, money can be used as a shield or a sword. You don’t want to find yourself in a situation where one person has all of the economic power and they use it to their benefit and your detriment. Ask questions of a potential mate and get their worldview on finances. Open and honest communication about money establishes boundaries and trust.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss when your partner thinks humiliation or fear is funny.
Show Notes
Do you share the same financial worldview as your partner? If you and your partner are not on the same page when it comes to finances and philosophy, you will endure constant conflicts in many aspects of your life. When you discuss these aspects, you must understand the expectations of your partner—especially when it comes to money.
When money is really important to someone, it often defines their character or persona. It’s a sad but true reality. It can be a powerful tool or weapon in a relationship, so agreeing on your view of money is foundational to a strong relationship. If money is the foundation of the relationship, be honest about your contractual relationship.
People often adopt their own financial philosophy from observing what their parents have done. The philosophy of money that you grow up around influences your own philosophy, and you will either end up with the same view as your parents, or with the exact opposite view from your parents. Either way, you bring this view into your relationship.
Whether you are a spender or a saver, it’s important to know your financial boundaries and the boundaries of your partner. If you’re on different pages, you may be headed down a dark rabbit hole. You should know your partner's financial habits including spending, saving, investing, and values.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When a person plays practical jokes on their partner and thinks humiliation or fear is funny. This type of humor is cruel and destroys trust in a relationship. It shows a lack of respect for the person who is being humiliated. It’s bullying under the guise of humor.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
On today's episode, Finances and Philosophy. Make Sure You Share the Same Worldview.
Lis:
Oof.
Marlee:
Okay, Lis. This is a critically important topic.
Lis:
It is.
Marlee:
So I know you have your view and I certainly have my view. So if you don't mind, I would like to just sort of start off this episode and just make some just very important points.
Lis:
Yeah, please do.
Marlee:
Thank you. All right. So first of all, for some money is a means to an end. And for others, it defines everything about their life. If you and your partner are not on the same page, you will have constant conflicts that will impact every aspect of your life.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Second point I want to make, when you discuss finances in a relationship, you need to understand your partner's expectations of who's going to be earning the money, who's going to be paying the bills.
How will major financial decisions be made? Are you guys going to create a budget? How will you make investments? How will you handle retirement or education costs for future children? All of these things need to be discussed, and I don't mean discussed, like after the ring is on the finger. I mean, these things need to be discussed the moment you think you might have a future with this person.
Lis:
Woo.
Marlee:
Next point. I want to make. Money is so important to so many people. It often defines much of their character or persona.
Lis:
Hmm. Okay.
Marlee:
It's a sad but true reality.
Lis:
It is.
Marlee:
Money is such a powerful tool or weapon in a romantic relationship, and you need to make sure that you understand your own views as well as your partner’s.
Do you view money as a shield or as a sword?
Lis:
Woo.
Marlee:
Okay.
Lis:
All right.
Marlee:
Next thing that I want to say is, there is a very dark side to finances in a relationship.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Money is often used as a source of control over a partner.
Lis:
That's true.
Marlee:
Yep. Or children and people get punished, manipulated, and enticed by money.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Okay. And then the last point that I'm going to make before I open it up to you is, if money is the foundation of the relationship, Okay. Then be honest with one another and accept that this is a contractual arrangement.
Lis:
Yeah. Listen, okay, that happens.
Marlee:
Sugar daddy, sugar mama, whatever it is. But just be open and honest because the person with the money expects something from you and the person without the money, you'd better deliver on
those expectations because otherwise you're out the door. Not a relationship that I would ever want to be in, not a relationship that I ever recommend to another person, but again, you need to make sure that you share the same worldview as the person that you are getting involved with. Okay. Go ahead, respond.
Lis:
No, listen, I think every single point you made is super valid, but I will say that I think so many people don't have those conversations, which is why we end up with so many people in financial discrepancies later on in life. I think a lot of people come together. When they're younger and they've never made their own money before and they're kind of living life in a vacuum almost, right?
Like, I'm making my money. I'm going to spend it the way I want to spend it. You're making your money. You spend it the way you want to spend it. And I think that finance and money have, and I don't know if this is like because I'm middle-aged at this point, but like my parents' generation. They definitely did not talk about money.
Like it was a very different time.
Marlee:
I think that we agree.
Lis:
I grew up not having the tools to talk about finances in the way that you described, and obviously that would be a very healthy way to start a relationship, establish certain financial boundaries, set a standard, and most people feel so uncomfortable talking about money that they end up in the places that you talked about those bad dark places.
Marlee:
Okay. But they need to be Romancipated.
Lis:
They do.
Marlee:
They need to talk about finances and philosophy, and I'm glad you brought up parents because the truth is Lis. Most people get their financial philosophies right, from observing what their parents did.
Lis:
Ding, ding, ding. Yes.
Marlee:
And I think that is so critical to know not only about yourself, but about your potential future mate.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Right? The person that you're going to intertwine your life with.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Right? I mean, listen, there are some people who grew up in a household where there was always debt, there was never enough money to go around. As a result, some people take the philosophy of, okay, life sucks, life is hard.
I'm going to always live paycheck to paycheck. That's just how it's done. Another person that grew up in that type of environment might say, you know what? That was so stressful. I watched how incredibly stressed my parents always were, or you know, my single parent usually. And I do not want a repeat of that.
I am purposefully going to get an education or I'm going to work hard, or I'm going to save money, or I'm going to try and learn how to invest. I basically don't want to be caught in that horrific cycle.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Right? So that's one way that you sort of get influenced, but I also think that aside from what you observed growing up, I think it's really important to be able to identify, Lis, am I a spender or am I a saver?
Lis:
And what makes me comfortable?
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Because that word keeps coming back up.
Marlee:
That's right. Yeah. And what are my financial boundaries? Right?
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
And I think you need to ask your partner, are you a spender or are you a saver? Because guess what, if I'm a spender and you're a saver. Uh, hello.
Recipe for a disaster. Why do you think so many relationships fail? Because of financial issues, right?
Lis:
No, it's true.
Marlee:
But you have to be on the same page. If you're not on the same page, you're just setting yourself up for conflict.
Lis:
But what if somebody thinks that they're a saver when they're really a spender, when they all of a sudden have more money to spend?
Marlee:
Well, again, I think that everybody should have a budget. I think that anytime a couple gets together, they should sit down and have a budget. Even like when you said earlier, even if people are making their own money and they're not living together, they're not married, they should still have a sense of a budget.
Lis:
Great point.
Marlee:
So for example, let's say, you're dating somebody, right? And you guys decide to go on a vacation.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Well, if you are making X number of dollars a year and I'm making Y number dollars a year, what you might be able to afford in terms of vacation is very different than mine.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
So, we have to sit there and decide, okay, how much are we both comfortable spending on a vacation?
And if it ends up, because you make three times as much as me, you have to go on a less luxurious vacation so that I'm comfortable with spending that amount so that you don't put me into debt. Right? Just so that you can get your fancy, French Riviera type of vacation Lis. I mean, we know what a snob you are.
Lis:
I would take that. Yeah.
Marlee:
But it signals so much about whether or not your partner respects you, whether or not your partner empathizes with you. Right?
Lis:
That's a great point.
Marlee:
You have to be able to talk about your financial philosophy and you have to be open to learning from the other person because maybe like you said. Maybe you come from a family where nobody ever discussed money.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Maybe you never learned about investing.
Lis:
Or saving.
Marlee:
Or saving. Maybe you think debt is a good thing, when in fact it is not a good thing.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
If you can educate your partner, right, and sort of show them the light, that's an amazing thing. And it can only help the two of you reinforce the foundation of your relationship, right?
Lis:
That’s right.
Marlee:
But at the same time, if you guys are on such different pages, you are headed down a dark rabbit hole. And I would also argue if you're both spenders and you're not trust fund babies, you’ve got a problem. And at the same time, if you're both savers and you end up never enjoying the money, or using money for things that you probably should use it for.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
That's an issue as well. I mean, just because you have the same philosophy doesn't mean it's necessarily a healthy financial philosophy.
Lis:
There you go. That's right.
Marlee:
But I do think it's incredibly important to discuss it, to understand what your partner thinks about money. Even charity, right?
Lis:
Yeah, that's right.
Marlee:
People have such different philosophies about what they consider charitable giving. There are people who are more than willing to give money to causes for medical research or for animals or the environment, but they would never give to a religious institution.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
While another person feels very strongly about supporting a religious institution or a cultural institution.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
But they wouldn't ever support like saving the whales.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
You know what I mean? And again, think of the conflict that can create. If the two of you are saying, well, but I don't agree with your worldview, so why would I financially support it. We've talked about that. Different people have different perspectives on things. You need to know this. I mean, listen, political contributions.
Lis:
Oh yeah. Oh my gosh.
Marlee:
I mean, think of the conflict that that could cause in a relationship. We talked about debt, right, in multiple episodes and how dangerous it can be.
Again, if you don't understand the philosophy of your partner and how they look at money. That's crazy to me. That's like walking into a crowded street wearing a blindfold and noise canceling headphones.
Lis:
And hoping for the best.
Marlee:
It's like you hope you don't get run over by the car.
Lis:
Right, exactly.
Marlee:
I mean that's crazy.
How would you not know what you're getting yourself into and yet, I agree with you. I think that so many people are uncomfortable…
Lis:
I just think so many people are so uncomfortable talking about money?
Marlee:
Well, yeah. And guess what? Because they're so uncomfortable, why do you think so many people end up either becoming ignorant or choosing to put their heads in the sand so to speak.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And they don't find out about, oh, I don't know, a partner's debt or a partner's assets, or their investments, or if they're in fact being supported by their family.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
You would want to know this?
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
I would want to know this.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
But I guess a lot of people don't want to know it, but I think it's a huge mistake.
Lis:
Well, ignorance is not bliss.
Marlee:
No, it's not.
Lis:
Definitely when it comes to finances.
Marlee:
Absolutely not.
Lis:
And I think learning later on how to partner together to deal with money is too late. Right?
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
I mean when you don't have those conversations upfront and you don't understand the types of things and how your partner spends and how they save and how they invest and all of the things that you just mentioned, I think that so many people because they were not comfortable talking about finances, get put in a position where now they need this money in order to cohabitate and live a life together and they feel blindsided. Right?
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
I feel like a lot of people, like you said, like the ignorance piece of it, sticking your head in the sand and pretending like it doesn't exist and they feel blindsided, but in the reality of this relationship, they didn't do the steps necessary in order to make themselves comfortable later on and down the line.
Marlee:
Oh, I agree. There are so many situations. I'm sorry for interrupting.
Lis:
No, you didn't.
Marlee:
So many situations where I have spoken to people whose marriages are going to end. And they have no clue what their financial picture is.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And I find that terrifying.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
They have not opened a bill. They do not know how much their mortgage is.
They do not know how much they pay in taxes. They do not know what investments there might be or pension or retirement funds. I mean, I am shocked they don't even know like what their credit bills are. They often don't even know how many bank accounts exist. I think that the moment you allow one person in a relationship to…
Lis:
To control everything.
Marlee:
To have total control over the finances, you are entering into incredibly dangerous territory.
Lis:
Yeah, absolutely.
Marlee:
Again, Romancipation is about self-preservation.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
You need to understand what your financial picture is because if you do not, you may end up finding yourself in a very precarious situation, should the relationship you're in, go south, and here's the deal:
If a couple actually works together and builds economic security together. I mean, wow, does that reinforce the bond. And it really, I think, makes the relationship so much deeper.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
You can't explain it because money is one of those things that people are very sensitive about, like you said.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And it can be a shield or sword, and I don't understand somebody saying that they love a person, that they respect a person, that they trust a person
and yet not knowing what the full financial picture is, what the debts are, what the assets are. And anybody who stops you from finding out the truth.
Lis:
Oh yeah.
Marlee:
Red flag!
Lis:
Run.
Marlee:
You should be terrified.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
If somebody's been in charge of the finances and you have questions and they're not willing to just sit down with you and show everything to you and explain everything to you, you should be terrified because chances are, everything is not what you think it is.
People who have nothing to hide, have no reason to hide, are more than willing to be like, yeah, sure. I'll show you what I've been doing.
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
I feel so strongly about that, and unfortunately, if you have a lot of debt, it can devastate you. And if you don't know that, it's going to come and bite you on the ass.
Lis:
Oh yeah.
Marlee:
You are in big trouble. I just want our listeners to understand financial philosophies really need to be discussed, and if you are at the beginning of relationship or in the middle of a relationship. You need to know the financial picture.
Lis:
It's empowering.
Marlee:
It's empowering, and it's important.
And I beg you, I beg our listeners. Please don't be afraid. Don't put your head in the sand and just hope everything will be okay. Because what do I always say if somebody goes, trust me, don't you trust me? You shouldn't trust them, you know? No. Really? Because again actions speak louder than words.
Lis:
Yeah. That's right.
Marlee:
So if somebody's trustworthy, they have no problem educating you about the relationship's financial situation, good and bad.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
If they don't want you to know, do not believe for a second, oh, I'm trying to shield you from something. No, they're trying to shield you from something all right.
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
And trust me, it's going to be ugly. So. If you want to be empowered, like you said, Lis, please take the blinders off. Sit down, have a very serious conversation with your partner. Make sure you're on the same page. And if you're not on the same page, you’ve got to figure out how to get on the same page.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Or how to be able to compromise in a way that you're both comfortable.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Right?
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
It’s so important.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When a Person Plays Practical Jokes on Their Partner and Thinks that Humiliation or Fear is Funny.
Lis:
Oh my gosh.
Marlee:
Yeah. No, this…
Lis:
This is actually like painful. Like it's one of those that you just cringe.
Marlee:
Yes. This one I have a visceral reaction to.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
I really do. Do you mind if I start?
Lis:
Please take it. Yeah.
Marlee:
Okay. It is never funny and always cruel.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
This type of humor destroys trust, respect and love in a relationship.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
It shows an absolute lack of respect for the person who's being scared or humiliated.
Lis:
Yeah. Of course.
Marlee:
It is a giant red flag.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It is a form of bullying hidden under the guise of humor. It is a form of physical and emotion abuse.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Let me say that again. It is a form of physical and emotional abuse. It is meant to keep the other partner living on eggshells.
Lis:
Ooh, yeah.
Marlee:
It violates all healthy boundaries in a relationship.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
When that type of behavior is observed by children, it can cause extreme distress and teaches some incredibly unhealthy and dangerous coping mechanisms.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
The person who does this type of humor is incredibly immature and insecure.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
They are also cruel.
Lis:
Yeah, they are.
Marlee:
If someone does not find their joke funny, they claim that you have no sense of humor. When you hear that from somebody, you better instantly get the hairs on the back of your neck standing up.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Humiliation is always a form of control or payback.
Lis:
Ooh.
Marlee:
Never forget that.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Humiliation and fear are always a form of control and payback. Those are mine.
Lis:
Wow. Okay. So yes, you’re on that one.
Marlee:
It’s definitely a little intense.
Lis:
Yes, I know. I get it. And for me, I feel like for some reason this has become so common nowadays with social media.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
I feel like everybody thinks it's really funny to then film it and put it out there.
So not only is your partner humiliated and victimized?
Marlee:
They're victimized over and over again.
Lis:
They’re the victim again you know? Yes. It's just, ugh. Obviously, like you said, I feel like there's a huge lack of respect in the relationship. I think maybe it makes the partner feel dominant in the relationship
by putting somebody else down. And this makes me feel like your partner is trying to assert control.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
So like you said, just like that, abusiveness. I think that there's obviously a degree of narcissism and lack of compassion that you can actually show somebody that you're supposed to be caring about this level of just like humiliation.
Yes. So to me it's just dirty.
Marlee:
Very, very dirty.
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released.
Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast, please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify. Reviews let Apple know that great listeners like you enjoy our show and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again and stay Romancipated.