Every Relationship Has an Expiration Date

00:00 

Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve. 

00:30 

It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated. 

Marlee:

On today's episode we're discussing: Every Relationship has an Expiration Date. 

Lis: 

So sad but true. Yeah, it's sad, but it is true. Listen, unless the relationship is till death to us part, I mean, it's going to end even then.

00:52 

Marlee: Exactly. Point taken, it ends, every single romantic relationship has an expiration date. And again, not to be a negative Nelly, because you know, I don't want to get that reputation too early. 

Lis: 

I mean, you're starting to swirl here with the negativity. 

Marlee:

I don't want to reveal too much in the beginning. I'm showing just a little leg here but, every relationship does have an expiration date. 

01:14

And the truth is that's okay. I think so many people think of relationships ending as a sad thing, and I'm going to flip that and I'm going to say there's certainly elements that can be sad. There's a loss anytime an intimate relationship ends. There's also so much that you can gain from it, and that's what I really want people to focus on when they are thinking about this sort of “expiration date” when the relationship ends. 

01:46

So not only can you learn a lot about yourself, like what you want, what you like, what you need, the kind of partner you're interested in having, but you also get to close this sort of chapter in your life. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

I feel like you're staring at me, like I'm just crazy. 

Lis:

I'm kind of taking it in. 

02:04 

No, I'm honestly, I'm taking it in because all I can think about right now is expiration date and curdled milk. 

Marlee: 

Ok. So, gross. 

Lis: 

My head just immediately goes there.  I'm trying to put it into perspective from a relationship standpoint, because I think you're totally hitting the nail on the head with, we don't always go into something thinking that it's going to end, and I don't think anybody wants to start a relationship thinking it's going end.

02:31

Marlee: 

That's right. 

Lis:

But you do take stuff away and think about how many things in your life you do, where you know that there's an end point. You read great books, you know it's going to end. You watch a great movie, you know it's going end. There's still a point of why you wanted to get there in the first place, right?

02:47

Marlee:

That's right. 

Lis:

Yeah, exactly. I get it. 

Marlee: 

Yeah, and so that's what I'm talking about. I also think what's important is when you recognize that most relationships do have an end point, instead of obsessing over the future and where it's going to go, you can live in the moment. 

Lis:

Yeah. You can actually enjoy the person in the moment.

03:08

Marlee:

And the truth is anybody could get hit by the proverbial bus. You know, just saying that's possible. 

Lis:

I mean, Marlee, I know. Seriously. You're really like a downer. Um, no, but don't step off the curve.

Marlee:

I'm trying. Ok. Let me be more peppy here. Yay. But what I really want people to understand, is that, when you're so busy trying to figure out where something is going and is it evolving, is it ending? 

03:35

And I feel a lot of people do that before things even get the chance to really start and really develop. They're already trying to figure out that next point and that harms a relationship. 

Lis:

It does definitely. 

Marlee:

It doesn't allow it to naturally evolve like a flower. It's petals gently opening into the sun. 

03:54 

No, really, like that's what you want to do.  A relationship needs time to naturally develop, to simmer. Right, and if you actually enjoy the moment, focus on the present, focus on why you actually are enjoying this person's company, why you like their touch, why you crave being with them, how they make you feel, the things you make them feel, those are the things you need to be focusing on. 

04:24

That is what makes I think, a relationship, you know? And then also, even if, when it does end, it allows you to evolve, it allows you to take lessons learned. You figure, oh, I never want to be with something like that again. Or, ugh, I can't believe I did that. Or, why didn't he like that? 

04:44

But you learn right? You get to evolve as a person and sometimes, you get to even make active changes that can help you in the next relationship. 

Lis:

Yeah, I think that's a great point. I mean, listen, like I don't think you ever not take something away from a relationship that ended, whether or not it was a romantic relationship, a co-worker relationship, a friendship, I think all of those types of relationships have end points. 

05:08 

So, I mean, taking something away is actually such a super important part of building your chapter and your story, and every single relationship you have, you can walk away from it. Making your next relationship better. 

Marlee:

That's right. So I totally agree.

05:27

Lis:

Yeah, I love that. 

Marlee: 

And that's all I'm saying is that trying to take what is normally viewed as a negative and realizing that you get to have the power. Again, this is about the romancipation perspective, right? It is freeing yourself from this idea that an ending is somehow awful. Often an ending is great. 

05:48

You gave the perfect example, a movie, a book, a TV show. Sometimes the ending is just so satisfying. It can still be sad, it can be angering, but there's a satisfaction, right? You've cycled through a bunch of emotions, and it's the same with the relationship. So, when I say to you that every relationship has an expiration date, I also want people to take away that when you do choose to, for example, get involved in the workplace, really think about that there is an expiration date, and do you want to be working with this person? 

06:29 

This is your livelihood, ladies and gentlemen. Think about it. 

Lis:

Um, how many times have you heard those stories though, that have gone so bad? 

Marlee:

Too many. And, and that's why, again, I want people to think about that. Think about dating your best friend's brother. Ouch. Again, chances are there's an expiration date. 

06:48 

How is that going to impact your friendship with your bestie? These are all things to look at when you're in a relationship. Recognizing chances are it is going to end. Even as we said, even if you find your true love, your soulmate, your match, and you stay together, one of you will eventually die, maybe you guys die together. 

07:15

I don't know. But my point is there is an end. There's always an end, and it's what you choose to do at that end. Do you let it define you or do you want to define it? 

Lis:

Yeah, I think that's actually a really good point. 

Marlee: 

Oh, I'm so deep. 

Lis: 

I mean, you are so deep. I was starting to like feel like you were a little bit more glass has half full at some point in there.  I feel like you kind of know it in some relationships, right? 

07:43 

It just got me thinking as you were talking. That there are certain relationships that you get into that you already have a gut feeling like before you even get into this relationship that this is probably not going to last.  So, there was this guy that I dated in college, super nice guy. 

08:01

Everybody let me know how nice this guy was. I mean off the charts nice. I was so not attracted to him in that way and I let my friends talk me into dating him because he was so nice. 

Marlee:

The exact perfect example. 

Lis:

Okay. You know, that's going to be short-lived. 

Marlee:

Absolutely. 

Lis:

I mean, I would literally stare out the back of the car window, like waving at my friends, like 

08:20 

really missing what we were going to be doing when I was going on this romantic date with guy. 

Marlee:

Like being kidnapped. 

Lis:

I was. I really felt emotionally kidnapped. Yes, it was terrible and it was a terrible breakup because I didn't know how to handle it and I didn't know how to walk away gracefully without hurting him, and I already knew that there was going to be an expiration date on this relationship. 

08:47

So I should have never started it. 

Marlee:

Exactly. But that's like curdled milk. 

Lis:

I know, but I'll say I've never done that again. Right? Because I learned, see that I really did. I learned through that, that I can't let somebody else convince me how great somebody else is because if I already know in my gut that that is not going be right for me, I've never done that again. 

09:11

I've always followed my gut and picked people based on. I, I mean, it could be physical attractiveness, like whatever it is, whatever, like characteristic. I was super shallow, but I always had better relationships after that. Yeah. At least I graduated. Anyway. 

Marlee:

Lis, listen, I've had similar experiences. For me where this sort of concept came that every relationship has an expiration date is while I was younger. 

09:36

I definitely, I would've described myself in many ways as a serial monogamist, but I'm not going to lie, I always had an eye looking, even when I was in a relationship. Sorry guys. But you know, I always was sort of looking to see if there was something better, right? Maybe a better fit for me. Right. I think that's very typically felt, I think it's experience that is fairly common.

09:58

Lis:

Yeah. Right. 

Marlee:

I think a lot of people feel that way. And one of the ways that I justified, maybe rationalized that what I was doing was, okay, because I didn't act on these, I was like window shopping. Right. I didn’t actually purchase anything. I didn't try anything on, just window shopping, but it definitely, it made me realize, that the fact that I was window shopping, I recognized that this relationship probably wasn't going to be my forever. 

10:29

And I have to tell you one of my regrets for a lot of those situations is that I should have ended it sooner. 

Lis: 

Yeah.

Marlee:

I knew there was, like you said, that expiration point, and yet because of the complicated feelings or because I didn't want to come off like, you know, a heartless bitch, which now I'm very comfortable being.

10:47

I let it go longer than I should have and I think that one thing that I really want to stress to our listeners is the one thing that we have a very precious amount of is time. It's a resource that I don't think we really start to value until we’re older. And once we recognize how little of it we have, the idea that you're wasting valuable emotional time, sexual energy, money, you know, whatever it is on a relationship that just probably has run its course. 

11:22

It's just not the right fit for you. But it's just so hard to end it or to figure out how to move forward. I just think it's really important that people start to recognize that. 

Lis:

Yeah, no, listen. Actually, no. I was going to say, you just made me think of something. Do you feel like the world of online dating and swiping has actually made expiration dating, if you will, a little bit easier and a little bit more? 

11:49

Do you feel like people kind of thrive on it a little bit? 

Marlee:

Oh, that's a great question. I do think that it allows people to go through more potential partners much quicker. But what I will say is I am not a huge fan. Please, nobody, boo. I'm not a huge fan of swiping and internet dating, even though I know it's an important part of how people meet each other. 

12:13

And the reason I'm not a fan is because so many people just lie on social media. 

Lis:

Totally. 

Marlee:

They lie and it wastes a lot of people's time. And like I just said, time is such a valuable resource that we all don't know how much we have of, and I don't appreciate it when people waste my time. 

12:33

So there's that aspect that I'm kind of negative about. And the other thing is, I think the difference between in-person meetings versus like online meetings is the energy and the risk and the vulnerability that you have when you have an in-person meeting is so much more. And while for some people, right, people are like, yeah, that's why I love the online thing. 

12:57 

When you don't open yourself up, you're not putting yourself out there. 

Lis:

Yeah. Yeah. 

Marlee:

And don't put exactly yourself out there. You are not going to get what you're looking for. That's just true. The gentleman out there who, you know, spam like 500 women in one night with, “Hey, hey. What's up?” 

13:14 

“What's up? Hey, hey.” Just hoping to get laid. It's like, I get it. You don't want to walk into a bar and ask 500 women, “can I buy a drink? Can I buy a drink? Can I buy a drink? What's your name? Can I buy you a drink?” 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

So, I get that. But I also want to say to the men, if you just want to get laid, dude, like find a fuck buddy. 

13:34

Make an arrangement. Seriously. Don't waste a bunch of other people’s time. 

Lis:

There's an app for that. 

Marlee:

Yeah, exactly. I'm sure there's an app for that. And ladies, if you actually, want to just get laid, there's a thousand guys in line that are more than willing. And if you actually want something more, then demand it.

13:49 

And don't lie and pretend like you're okay with a “what's up”. Because if the person's not willing to invest anything in trying to even get to know you to see if there's even a legitimate chance of you guys connecting, it's not worth it. And so yeah, those have very short expiration dates.

14:08

Lis:

I agree. But in some ways, you're not even giving it a chance. 

Marlee:

No, exactly. 

Lis:

Well now they've got geo locators so you can swipe on people that are in cities. That's what I mean, it's like it's so much easier to know something is going to expire. Right? 

Marlee:

Yeah. So, again, the negative Nelly in me, ladies and gentlemen, please be safe out there. 

14:26

Please understand that it's great that technology has allowed us to connect with each other in ways that are unprecedented, but also, please recognize self-preservation. I can't stress that enough. Yeah, there's a lot of people out there who are mentally unstable and a little dangerous, and you just don't want to come into their cross-hairs. 

14:49

Please be thoughtful about what you're doing. Be thoughtful.

It's venting time with Marlee and Lis. 

Marlee:

It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships.

15:13

Lis:

Why is this always one of my favorites? 

Marlee:

I don't know. Okay. Today's topic, When People Cannot Accept that a Relationship is Over. Okay, so I'm going to start this one. 

Lis:

Something tells me you're going to have some good ones. 

Marlee:

All right, so here we go. It stops both parties from getting proper closure.

15:33

Lis:

Mm-hmm. 

Marlee:

It slows down the healing process. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

It can become very manipulative. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

In some circumstances. I would even call it abusive. 

Lis:

Uh, yeah. 

Marlee:

It makes the person look pathetic. Who'd want to be with a person that did not want to be with them in return. 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

Okay. Sometimes relationships run their natural course.

15:57

Lis:

Yeah, they do. 

Marlee:

Often this means that the relationship is very one-sided. 

Lis:

Oh my God. 

Marlee:

If one person cannot accept it.  The person being left is often too dependent on the other person. 

Lis:

Ooh. 

Marlee:

It can be a sign of a very controlling partner if they don't want to accept the ending of the relationship.

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

It may be one partner was overly invested in the relationship.

16:20

Lis:

Oh yeah. Good one. 

Marlee:

It's frustrating for the person trying to get out of the relationship. 

Lis:

Oh my God. Okay. Yeah. Yep. 

Marlee:

And I'm also going to say it could be dangerous for the person trying to get away. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

Especially if the person who doesn't want it to end is obsessed or controlling and it feels like the person was more in love with the idea of the relationship than what they really had with the actual individual in terms of a partnership. 

16:41

 Lis:

Ooh. You're, so right.  You hit it right there. 

Marlee:

All right, so those are mine. Now let me hear yours. 

Lis:

All right. You're insecure and feel anxiety over losing something you think you should have.

17:00

Marlee:

Ooh, okay. 

Lis:

You felt you had found the one and now you feel like there's no one else out there for you. 

Marlee:

Ooh. Right, right. 

Lis:

You have a fear of being alone. 

Marlee:

Yes. 

Lis:

You rely too much on your partner for self-worth. 

Marlee:

Yep. 

Lis:

You have a fear of failure. 

Marlee:

Oh, that's a great one. 

Lis:

You fantasized that your relationship was perfect.

17:20

Marlee:

Listen, people, nothing's perfect. 

Lis:

That's right. Absolutely nothing is perfect. You find someone, focused on what you felt were some of your most important qualities and then ignored the rest of how bad things actually were. 

Marlee:

Whoa. Mind blown. Isn't that so easy to do though? 

Lis:

Yes. You really do. Like sometimes you just remember all of the perfection and the good. 

17:43

And there's so much other crap that goes along with it. So that's my list. 

Marlee:

Oh, okay. That was a good one. I feel like I've just learned something.

Lis:

Ding-ding.

Marlee:

Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show and a recap of today's podcast or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com. 

18:10

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18:30

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