S4 Episode 7: Every Person Needs to Be Selfish in a Relationship, Just Make Sure to Take Turns
Episode Summary
When two people come together in a partnership, there is often the expectation that individual autonomy takes a back seat to the couple’s wants and needs. This is the quickest way to breed resentment in a relationship. Instead, each person should work in tandem to achieve common goals while still preserving their mental, emotional and physical health.
One of the only ways to make sure your individual wants and needs are being met is to be slightly selfish when the opportunity presents itself. Prioritizing self-preservation is what reinforces a couple’s bond. When there is mutual respect, trust, empathy, acceptance and accountability in a relationship, prioritizing your own needs and wants at times is not only possible, but encouraged.
The key to a successful relationship is recognizing that each member of the partnership will have times when they need support and other times provide support to their partner. Relationship problems arise when one partner always places their own wants and needs as a priority over the other without ever considering the impact it is having on their partner and relationship.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss when people are under the mistaken belief that their relationship is special or unique.
Show Notes
Are you taking into account your partner’s needs and wants, or do you tend to prioritize your own? The truth is that it’s okay to be selfish in a relationship sometimes. Putting your physical, mental, and emotional health above anyone else’s is okay. You can’t take care of other people if you are running on empty.
In a relationship, it’s easy for this to get lost. The word “selfish” gets a bad reputation, but there are shades of selfishness. In some forms it can be destructive, but in other forms it can also promote self-preservation. Another way to think of it is making yourself versus the other person a priority.
At different times in your relationship, you may need more support. For example, if you’re in school, you may need more financial support. However, it’s important to take turns and be there for your partner in the times when they need your support more, whether that’s emotionally, mentally, financially, or in another way.
Being selfish does not mean feeling entitled to have your needs and wants placed above those of your partner. That will just lead to resentment. It’s about constructively building together and knowing when to put your partner’s needs first. It’s all about ensuring there’s a balance between both individuals.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When people think their relationship is special or unique. Humans tend to follow predictable patterns. When people think no one else can possibly understand their feelings, it’s insulting and immature. A person who believes this ends up being screwed over due to their arrogance.
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Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
On today's episode, Every Person Needs to be Slightly Selfish in a Relationship. Just Make Sure to Take Turns. So Lis, I came up with this topic because it's very personal to me.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
I have always seen myself as being a rather selfless person in the sense that I have always tried to take into account my partner's needs and wants, but I have also always been very cognizant of my needs and wants, and I have made sure to prioritize them.
Lis:
Which is great. I mean, I think it's great.
Marlee:
I have had past partners label me as selfish, and you know what? I wear that badge proudly. I do. I wear that badge proudly because I think that my definition of selfish is probably not the same as a lot of people's definition of selfish, but for me, I'm just going to let you know selfishness to me in a relationship means that I put my own physical health, my own mental health, my own emotional health ahead of anybody else's. I make sure that it is being taken care of because here's the deal, I can't be a good partner or caregiver for my husband, my children, any elderly parents or other family members if I am running on empty.
Lis:
I think that's so beautifully said. I will say that you hear it all the time that you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of somebody else. I think that gets lost on so many people, and I don't think that enough people take that fully to heart.
They feel like if they're doing something for themselves, they're not doing the things that they're supposed to be doing. And I'm air quoting that.
Marlee:
That's right. And therefore they're selfish and therefore somehow that's a negative thing.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
And yes, there are words, and selfish is one of them.
Where a lot of people have a very negative connotation to it.
Lis:
I do like when somebody tells me I'm being selfish, immediately I would be defensive to that.
Marlee:
Like I recall you saying my word exit strategy was maybe a little insensitive, and yet the fact is I didn't see it as being insensitive at all. So the same with selfish.
I think the word selfish is given a bad rap. Now, I'm not talking about selfish in the sense of a selfish lover where they couldn't care less if you're getting off and it's all about their satisfaction.
Lis:
Well, that is selfish.
Marlee:
That is selfish. Yes, exactly. But, I think that there's shades of selfishness, shall we say.
Lis:
Ooh, right, okay.
Marlee:
That's how I'll use the word.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
I think there's shades of selfishness and I think that there's selfishness that is truly detrimental to a relationship.
Lis:
And destructive.
Marlee:
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Infidelity is an example of that.
Lis:
Yes. Okay. Great example.
Marlee:
I think selfishness in the terms of what I'm talking about, which is making sure that I have my most basic physical and emotional and mental needs taken care of before I can be there for someone else. I think that's all about self-preservation.
Lis:
I think you're completely right.
Marlee:
And that for me is a very important part of what it means to be Romancipated, right? I mean, listen, being selfish in a relationship, it does mean that you're having your needs met and you want your partner to meet your needs and your wants when it's appropriate, and there's going to be periods of time when one partner might need more than the other partner, right?
They might need more love or affection. They might need greater compromise from their partner.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Like for example, let's say you decide to be in school and so your partner has to be the main economic support, or you need more help in terms of taking on other responsibilities in the household because you have less time.
There's going to be times to better the entire relationship, to better both couples. One person is going to have to be a little more selfish. And it's important that everybody takes turns.
Lis:
Absolutely. It's never going to be 50/50.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
It just isn't.
Marlee:
It's acknowledging that the person in the relationship that is being selfish has a legitimate reason to be so, does that make sense?
Lis:
It does. But you're using the term selfish and yes, I just immediately have a negative connotation when I hear the word selfish. I think that's self-care, and I don't think that that's being selfish. I think that that's a basic human need.
Marlee:
Okay.
Lis:
I know that a lot of people might not agree with that, but I struggle with that sometimes.
There are times where I feel like I should have to go without, because somebody else needs something from me. But I will tell you on those days, I feel so like I'm running on empty at the end of the day because I haven't done what I needed to take care of myself. Now everybody else is like happily moving along, but I feel drained on the days that I prioritize the things that I need to do to make me feel good.
Marlee:
You just use the magic word, priority.
Lis:
You have to make yourself a priority.
Marlee:
There's the word. How about that? Ding, ding, ding. Magic word. Priority. I like the word selfish. I will let you have the word priority. Okay?
Lis:
Okay. I'll take it.
Marlee:
That's a great word. I think that when you feel like your partner is willing to let you be the priority during some time in the relationship.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It makes you feel appreciated. It makes you feel...
Lis:
Validated.
Marlee:
Validated.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It makes you feel cherished. And I think that you, in turn, because we always talk about, it's a back and forth, you have to also be open to returning the favor. There are times where you have to let your partner be the priority.
And I mean, this is beyond your own self-preservation. Beyond making sure your physical, emotional, and mental health is taken care of.
Lis:
Sure.
Marlee:
I'm talking about things that actually like really have a impact on the relationship.
Lis:
Whether or not it's like a financial piece.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I hear what you’re saying.
Marlee:
So I think it's important. So I'm going to sort of meet you halfway. I'm going to tell you that I think every person needs to be slightly selfish.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
In the relationship.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
When it comes to their own personal preservation, and I think that everybody needs to take turns being a priority in the relationship.
Lis:
I love it actually. That really kind of, that really outlined it for me in a different way because I completely agree with you. I love when I have a partner that I see focusing on themselves in terms of emotional, mental, physical wellbeing. I love that. That drives me because I feel like they're taking care of themselves so that they can help support me as well.
But I think in terms of a relationship bigger picture in terms of there's going to be times of your life where emotionally maybe you've lost somebody that you really care about.
Marlee:
Exactly.
Lis:
You need your partner to extra kind of step up emotionally for you to help support you through that.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And likewise, vice versa or financially for the family.
Like you said, maybe you all of a sudden decide, I need to switch careers. This isn't for me. So your partner is willing to step up and maybe work an extra job or go without in certain ways. Like maybe you don't take that vacation this year, or buy that new car because you're going to prioritize the fact that they want to have a new education and a new careen path.
I 100% hear what you're saying.
Marlee:
I think that was an example that was amazing. Yes. I mean, look, when I say being selfish in a relationship, I want to make sure I'm clear. It doesn't mean that you get to be entitled to have your needs and wants placed above those of your partner.
That just leads to resentment. And I'm not talking about constant…
Lis:
That’s destructive.
Marlee:
Destructive. That's right.
Lis:
If you are constructively building together, then having the not 50/50 is going to be productive because it's basically what you're building together.
Marlee:
I agree. Look, I think it's a very healthy relationship when partners encourage each other to be a little selfish or a little self-indulgent at times.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
I really do. I think it really does make the person feel appreciated.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
I think it makes the person feel special. I think it builds intimacy and think it strengthens the bonds.
Lis:
100 percent. Yep.
Marlee:
So I'm all about that. Hint, hint, hubby. Anyway, you know, gimme some cherishing here. Let me be a little selfish and self-indulgent.
So I do think that selfishness has a place in relationships. I think being prioritized has a place in relationships and I think indulgence has a place in relationships and all times, it's all about the balance. It's all about recognizing that each person gets the chance to be that.
Lis:
And that you're an individual.
Marlee:
That's right. And that it is a red flag if somebody thinks they should always get to be selfish, the priority or indulge their wants and needs.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
I think at that point, red flag is flying high. And now you're with a person who is never going to give you what you need because they are just all about themselves.
That is not the type of selfish that you or I would ever recommend for anyone.
Lis:
No way.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When People Think Their Relationship is Special or Unique.
Lis:
Isn't it?
Marlee:
Isn’t it? Oh, I have some very strong feelings on this one. I just have feelings on a lot of stuff, but I really do on this one. Would you mind if I go first?
Lis:
Please do Marlee.
Marlee:
Okay. So I'm going to start off by saying, Lis, it's a huge pet peeve of mine.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Just because we're all unique in terms of our DNA, does not mean our life experiences are unique.
Humans tend to follow similar and predictable patterns depending on the circumstances they find themselves in.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
When people think their romantic situation or love is unique, and therefore no one else can possibly understand their feelings, they're being disrespectful to everyone else. It's insulting and immature to believe that the feelings you have no other person can understand or experience themselves.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
By dismissing the possibility of learning from others' relationship triumphs or mistakes, these types of people put themselves at a great disadvantage.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
A person who believes their relationship experience is unique either ends up being screwed over due to their arrogance or their naivete.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
It's wonderful to feel a special connection to another person, however you rob yourself of precious opportunities to make the relationship stronger by refusing to acknowledge similarities to other people's relationships, and then learning from those experiences.
Lis:
Yep. You're right.
Marlee:
When bad things happen in the relationship, you cut off potential support or understanding or insight if you refuse to accept that another person may have experienced a similar situation. I also think that a lot of people will be secretly, if not even openly happy, that you got screwed.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Because their attitude is sort of like, oh, but you had such a unique love that I could just never understand, or your relationship was so special and mine was just what…you know?
No, seriously.
Lis:
It’s so true.
Marlee:
I think people really do set themselves up for a lot of negativity from others.
Lis:
They do.
Marlee:
And I think there's nothing wrong with each relationship you experiencing with a different person be somewhat special or unique compared to a prior relationship.
Lis:
Sure.
Marlee:
But I think when you somehow think that you out of how many billions of people are there now? What, like 8 billion people?
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
In the world that somehow you are the only one…
Lis:
That could possibly…
Marlee:
That could possibly feel this way or have experienced this.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
I'm sorry. I call bullshit.
Lis:
No, no bullshit.
Marlee:
I'd love to hear yours.
Lis:
Listen, I did take a little bit of a different turn on this.
Marlee:
Maybe a little sweeter. A little softer.
Lis:
Little sweeter, a little softer. But I was going to say, I think the part of every relationship that is unique is that people come together for so many different reasons, and that's about it. Like you said, people are very consistent in the issues, in the things because it all comes down to the exact same experiences and the exact same foundational things that you have to have in order to build a relationship.
The rest of it is not unique. What's not unique in a relationship is that you need to pay attention to your instincts. If something feels wrong to you, then it probably is, and the most important thing that you can do for your love life is to be okay with yourself.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
So I feel like all of these things add up to the reasons why relationships would be good, and I think that you really need to enjoy your partner's company, and if you don't, then there's no point in staying together.
And if you do, then the rest of the things all become bearable. I just feel like people are constantly negating that anybody else could possibly feel what they're feeling in this relationship and it's just not true.
Marlee:
That's right. You know what it is? It's about nuance.
Lis:
Yes. That's the, yes, you're right.
Marlee:
Everybody can experience slight differences.
Lis:
Yes, because you're different people.
Marlee:
It's like the ice cream analogy. They're all flavors of ice cream.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
They might be slightly different flavors or different combinations.
Lis:
That’s right.
Marlee:
Maybe there's some nuts on one or a cherry on the other.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
But the fact is they're ice cream people.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Ice cream.
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast or to learn more about us, visit www.Romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released.
Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast, please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify. Reviews let Apple know that great listeners like you enjoy our show and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again and stay Romancipated.