S2 Episode 5: Empathy is Relationship Tonic
Episode Summary
As the saying goes, there is always two sides to every story. Never is this more apropos than when experiencing a conflict in a romantic relationship. If you want to have a successful interaction with your partner, make sure to practice empathy. Try to understand their perspective by being open to what they have to say.
Remember, you don’t have to agree with your partner to validate their feelings and show them respect. When you try to understand where they are coming from or why they have certain beliefs, you offer them the opportunity to share more of themselves. When people feel heard and understood in relationships it creates an environment where intimacy, trust and respect is easily built.
Moreover, when you practice empathy in a relationship you come to understand how your partner thinks and reacts. This allows you to gain the upper hand in certain situations by allowing you to counter their arguments or reasoning. It empowers you to advocate for yourself while seeing the other side of things. Empathy is a skill set that can be developed and applied consistently in a romantic relationship.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss when a partner picks an argument in front of other couples.
Show Notes
The importance of empathy cannot be emphasized enough in a relationship. Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes; to truly be able to understand their perspective. When your partner feels understood by you, they are so much more willing to listen. It works the same way when you feel understood, too.
Some people are naturally more empathetic than others. That said, empathy can be taught. If you want to be in a healthy relationship, you have to be willing to see things from your partner’s perspective. You don’t always have to agree with it, but you have to respect and understand their perspective.
You may have experienced relationships in the past that reflected an imbalance in empathy—perhaps you’ve had more empathy than your partner. It’s actually a benefit because you can more easily understand the decisions your partner makes and where they are coming from.
Keep in mind that empathy can be used for good or evil. Understanding your partner’s thinking gives you the upper hand in countering arguments and strengthening your own arguments. The easiest way to develop your empathy is to step back and imagine how you might react in another person’s situation.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When my partner picks an argument in front of other couples. It’s disrespectful to your partner and the people around you. When you point out something your partner does wrong, you're belittling them in front of people they may care about. If you continue to nitpick your partner in public, resentment will grow. You should always be a united front with your partner in front of other people.
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Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating, and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
Today's topic is Empathy, is Relationship Tonic. I think that not enough people understand the importance of empathy. Empathy is the ability to put yourself in somebody else's shoes and to be able to actually understand another person's perspective.
And I think that in a relationship when one person feels understood by their partner, they are so much more willing to listen in return.
Lis:
Yeah. Okay. So let me ask you this. Do you feel like empathy is a learned trait or do you feel like it's just a natural instinct? Because I feel like it's a really hard thing to teach if you don't naturally have it.
Marlee:
Okay. So that's a great question. I do think that some people are naturally more empathetic than others. I do I think it's part of a personality set of traits. I do think though that empathy can be taught, and when I say that, I don't mean that you can teach a person to automatically put themselves in another person's position, but I do think the vast majority of humans out there have the capacity to take a step back and to see another person's perspective.
Lis:
Okay. I like that. It's not necessarily a natural instinct, but they can learn, but it's, it's a learned skill, right?
Marlee:
I mean, look, the fact is when you practice empathy, you are showing that you can see and understand another person's perspective. It doesn't mean you have to agree.
Lis:
That's such a solid point right there.
Marlee:
That's the key, is that you don't have to agree with somebody to still hear them understand where they're coming from and actually say they have a valid point. It doesn't mean you have to agree. And that is I think where people can learn empathy, particularly in their relationship. Because listen, I get, we as a society, try to practice empathy in society.
Great, wonderful. Chances are you're not going to be that successful in it because people are coming from such different life experiences, such different perspectives, and they also have such different motivations. But here's the deal. We're talking about empathy in a relationship. An intimate, romantic relationship, meaning you want to be with this person.
Lis:
Right. It’s one person. Yeah.
Marlee:
I hope you want to be with this person, or why are you in the relationship? Right? So if you want to be with this person, if you want to be in this relationship, then you need to be able to see the other person's perspective. You don't always have to agree with them. In fact, guess what?
Two different humans, two different personalities. Chances are you're not going to agree on everything. You're not going to see things the same way. Your own life experience is going to inform your perspective, but if you liked the person enough and respected the person enough to get into a relationship with them, to stay in a relationship with them, you owe it to them to see their perspective on something.
Lis:
And it's also, it's not about how you would feel in that exact same situation. So if you take it from that kind of point of view, it's not about how you personally would feel in that situation. It's about putting yourself in their shoes and seeing it from their perspective and understanding how they feel in that situation.
Because to your point, everybody has a different life story. Everybody has a different background. So you're never going to see something in the exact same way or feel something in the exact same way as somebody else.
Marlee:
That's right. I will give you the following analogy. I am a petite person.
My husband is a very tall person. When we used to walk down the street, we'd get to the corner and he would just keep walking and I would always stop at the corner and he would get frustrated, and he couldn't understand why I would stop and I would get frustrated because I couldn't understand why he would keep walking.
And one day I said to him, why are you walking? You're going to get hit by a car. And he said to me, what are you talking about? I can see that the road is clear. And I said, aha. Light bulb moment. I said, well, why don't you crouch down and see my perspective? And he was like, holy crap, you can't see past the cars.
You don't know if a car is coming. I said, exactly. It was a light bulb moment for both of us because he all of a sudden, for the first time, saw the world from my height.
Lis:
So he go into your shoes so to speak.
Marlee:
So he all a sudden could see that there were objects that stopped me from seeing that no cars were coming.
So for my instinct to keep myself alive and not get flattened like a freaking pancake. I have to stop at a corner and like slowly peer around parked cars while he can see over the park car so he can see down the block and see that obviously no car is coming. But that was a big aha moment for our relationship because I recognized he is looking at the world differently than I am.
And after I had him crouched down, what do you think I had him do? I had him lift me up so that I could see. From his perspective and I was like, damn, you can see like three blocks down.
Lis:
You're like, looks good from up here.
Marlee:
Ok. Holy crap, this is amazing. But this is my point. You also realize there's a lot of bird shit on the roof of cars anyway, something I'd never known before because I couldn't see it.
What I'm saying to you is that made me see that he's going to look at the world differently and I'm going to look at the world differently. And I tried to really bring that to our relationship, especially when there was some type of conflict. It's not that I knew we were going to, per se, resolve it exactly in a way that each of us was completely satisfied.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
But I would try to see his perspective, and that's what I mean is that we tried to see each other's perspective and it allowed us to be more responsive to the other's feelings. And I can tell you like empathy really does allow. To grow not only as a person, but as a partner. And the more that you do actively practice empathy, if it doesn't naturally come to you, and for a lot of people it doesn't naturally come, but if you actually say, wait a second, before I lose my top, before I like freak out, let me try and see their perspective.
Even if you disagree, strongly disagree. If it doesn't allow you to be able to communicate better, it will certainly arm you with great arguments to counter them.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
That's even another reason, right? Why empathy's a great thing.
Lis:
Yep. Well, I was going to say, have you ever experienced, you triggered something in me like I've been in relationships in the past where I am definitely a more empathetic person just naturally.
Like I tend to try to put myself in somebody else's shoes. I've just always tended to walk that. But I've also been in relationships where my partner has not been very empathetic, and it has served me to the point that you just made. It has definitely served me because I can see where they're coming from.
It doesn't make me less mad or less angry in the moment, but when I take a step back and I think about why they would have had that particular issue or why they do things a certain way. I immediately can say, oh, well I know exactly why, because you know, they tend to always follow this specific pattern. So it has armed me in relationships.
Marlee:
Yeah. You know how to combat it.
Lis:
I'm not a good combative person. I need to get it out. So I blurt it all out and then, you know, it kind of like fizzles. I'm not like an argumentative person, like where I can keep up an argument. For me, being armed with that helped me out a little bit because I was able to kind of come to the party and come back and kind of like slam them down a little bit after the fact.
Marlee:
Yeah, I mean, listen, see, empathy can be used for good and evil.
Lis:
No, I mean, no, you just said that. I didn't even remember, but it's true. Yeah, that's right. I used my empathy for bad.
Marlee:
But it's true. Being able to take yourself and put it in another person's perspective, see why they're being upset by something, or why they're excited by something, it does.
It gives you knowledge, and knowledge is power.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And power can be used for good, it can be used for bad.
Lis:
It's never used, never thought about it that way. I always assume empathy is sparkly, you know what I mean? Empathy is like, oh, if you're empathetic, you're so good. But you just made me realize that I was using empathy for bad.
Marlee:
Yeah. But listen, you're hoping that people, particularly your partner, if you're able to predict, like you just said, right, sort of their patterns, their wants, their needs. Hopefully you are going to use your empathy in a positive way that's going to be mutually beneficial for both of you because that just helps the relationship.
But guess what? If somebody is going to be doing something that is negative or harmful to the relationship, let me tell you, being able to put yourself in their shoes, understand the way they're thinking. It will allow you to counter their arguments because you now know what their argument's going to be and it will also allow you to strengthen your own arguments.
That's why I say, for me, empathy is a relationship tonic. I think it is a great skillset to develop and I think you can develop it. And I think the easiest way to start is anytime you're feeling an emotion, positive, negative, even neutral. You immediately say, could I imagine myself in that position? And how would I react based on the facts that I know?
How would I react? You'd might surprise yourself if you actually are honest with yourself. Because there's a lot of people like, oh, I would never react that way. That's not true. You are not willing to actually take a step back because I can tell you right now when I raise my voice to somebody, I think nothing of it.
Yet the moment somebody raises their voice to me, I instantly am like, you did not do that. Are you raising your voice to me? And all of a sudden something, I swear to you, something in my brain clicks and goes, wait a second. That must be what somebody is thinking when I'm raising my voice to them, and it makes me catch myself.
Lis:
Yeah, because you've taken a step back. I love that because not everybody has the ability naturally to do that. I will say that when you can put yourself in somebody else's shoes and hear from their perspective how you sound, it completely does change the way that one you will potentially react in the future.
And it also, it helps the communication lines be able to open without it becoming like a fight or a bickering match. Right? Like when you can take that step back. I think being empathetic and trying to put yourself in somebody else's shoes and really seeing it from their perspective is a quality that's really, really worth learning.
It's if you don't naturally have it.
Marlee:
It’s part of being Romancipated.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When my Partner Picks an Argument in Front of Other Couples, ugh, this is a personal one for me.
I take huge issue with this, but you know what? I want you to go first. I want to see your take on.
Lis:
This is like such an embarrassing thing and usually I'm not a fighter in public, but I just get so embarrassed for these other people.
Marlee:
Okay. Yeah. I want to hear.
Lis:
Okay. It's a clear-cut power relationship. One person making himself or herself, look larger by reducing the other person in front of others.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
You're also saying that you want the other person to change and that they're not good enough by communicating this in front of other people or calling out their faults. When you point out what your partner has or hasn't done or said, or that they did something wrong, you're belittling, embarrassing and demeaning your partner in front of people they potentially care about.
Even though it can start as something you deem small, it can be a huge red flag in your relationship if you continue to nitpick and pick apart your partner in public. A resentment will definitely grow between you. Picking arguments is a sign that you don't fully respect your partner, even if this isn't your intention.
It can definitely be received this way, and I'm just kidding is not a good defense. Think about Freud's famous comment when he said, there are no jokes in the unconscious.
Marlee:
Woo. She’s pulling out Freud. Gosh. All right. Now mine seemed not as serious. I mean, I don't know. Freud backing me up here least, but, all right.
Those are all great. I'm going to tell you. First of all, it is a very disrespectful behavior to your partner and to the other people around you.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
It makes everyone uncomfortable. It makes your relationship look really bad.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
It creates unnecessary tension. It absolutely creates resentment.
Like you said. I think it makes people stop inviting you out.
Lis:
Oh, who wants to be around that? That's right. Awkward.
Marlee:
It's a sign of insecurity in the person who's starting the argument. It displays issues with anger management. You should always be a united front with your partner in front of other people.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
Because any issue you can resolve in private at home. You don't need a public display. You don't need an audience.
Lis:
Yep. That's right.
Marlee:
I think it's a selfish and an immature behavior.
Lis:
Definitely.
Marlee:
I think it is an attempt to get other people on the individual's side to gang up or to demonstrate like, like you said, some type of control.
I think it is embarrassing for everyone involved, like you said. And I also think that it makes the person picking the fight look petty, small and weak.
Lis:
Yeah. Ding, ding. I love it.
Marlee:
Yeah. For me, this has rarely happened with me and my husband. This has happened with me and some of my former relationships.
And while I always made sure to calmly shut it down in the moment. Whoa.
Lis:
You took him to town when you got home.
Marlee:
Oh, you did not want to get back in that car.
Lis:
Did you have the look?
Marlee:
Oh, like I cut you with a knife kind of look, I mean, yeah. Anybody who would do that for me would always be such a red flag.
Because if you're going to start something with me in front of other people, it's because you don't think you have the balls or the vagina to start with me in private.
Lis:
In private, that's right.
Marlee:
If you needed audience, then that means you don't have any validity.
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week.
To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook.
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