S5 Episode 9: Don’t Pretend to Be a Nympho, it Will Bite You in the Ass!
Episode Summary
Female sexuality is a very influential and perilous factor in any romantic relationship. A woman’s power is often tied to her sexual prowess. The more desire she can elicit from a partner, the more control she will wield in the relationship. In turn, women often feel the need to present themselves as a willing and enthusiastic participant when it comes to sexual activity. Being seen as a sexual dynamo may get you what you want in the early stages of a relationship, but it can come to haunt you as the relationship progresses.
It is critical that you are clear with your motivations for having sex with your partner. Is it for sexual gratification, the creation of intimacy, to create a child or to win some type of financial or emotional favor? Whatever it may be, it should line up with the expectations your partner will have as a result.
Moreover, be careful to not use sex as a weapon, distraction or apology. It will not serve you or your partner to have sexual intimacy associated with negative feelings. Sex should always be about mutual pleasure, consent, trust and respect.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how frustrating it is when a partner says they are fine when it’s obvious they are upset.
Show Notes
For some, sex is a tool for luring a partner in. But what happens when you pretend to be a nympho when your relationship begins? It’s really important for women to enjoy sex and have a strong connection to their body. However, because sex is mental and emotional, it’s also important to tune into your motivations.
Giving a false sense of your sexual desire—type, duration, frequency, or otherwise—will eventually lead to disappointment and resentment. This is known as the “ol’ bait and switch,” and it doesn’t serve you. In fact, it hurts your sexual credibility. Be realistic about what you’re actually comfortable with.
When you play the nympho who always wants it, you’re setting expectations you may not be interested in fulfilling long-term. When you set high expectations, you will underdeliver. Instead, you could set lower expectations and, when you feel in the mood, overdeliver in a way that surprises your partner.
On that note, sex should never be used as an apology or to gain love. It makes for an invalidating “apology,” and having sex never guarantees love. Sex is also often used as a form of punishment, which is counterproductive. Don’t be a nympho for material possessions. It turns an intimate act into a transactional one, even when you’re married.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When your partner says they’re fine when they obviously are not. It may be a sign the person does not feel comfortable expressing their feelings—or it’s a passive-aggressive move. It inevitably leads to resentment and denies the resolution both people most likely want.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it! This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating, and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
On today's episode: Don't Pretend to be a Nympho. It'll Bite You in the Ass. And not in a good way. I mean, Lis I love talking about sex. I do.
Lis:
You do.
Marlee:
This for me is an important topic. It is.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
This is important because I think for women, sex is often used as a way to lure a partner in.
Lis:
Totally.
Marlee:
Okay?
Lis:
Totally.
Marlee:
I mean, I know that there are certainly men that use it as well, but women use it as a tool more efficiently or more effectively than men do.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Okay. There's always going to be some amazing lovers out there, but usually.
Lis:
Let's be honest. Yeah exactly.
Marlee:
Okay.
Lis:
Let's just say it.
Marlee:
Let's just say it how it is.
Lis:
Put it on the table.
Marlee:
All right. So I think it's really important that women enjoy sex. I think it's important that they have a strong connection to their body. and to their pleasure. But because sex is so mental for so many women and so emotional, it's really important to understand your motivations for having sex.
Lis:
I think that's such a great point.
Marlee:
Right?
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
So I want to tell our listeners, never give a false sense of your sexual desire to a partner because it ends up hurting both of you, whether you realize it or not. When you pretend to be really into a certain type of sex, or a duration of sex, or a frequency of sex, you are basically setting your partner up for very particular expectations.
Lis:
Yes. And we talked about expectations.
Marlee:
We did. And if you don't meet those expectations, there will be disappointment.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And there will be resentment on both sides and there will be frustration.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And when you feel those types of emotions, that becomes a slippery slope to the infidelity. When you offer something, when you do the old bait and switch…
Lis:
Dangling that carrot and then like boop (gone).
Marlee:
Yeah, it doesn't serve you. It just doesn't. It makes you lose credibility, so to speak. Your sexual credibility, that's what I'm going to call it. I think you need to be very realistic about what you actually are comfortable with when it comes to sex with your partner.
Lis:
So, ladies, only offer it up right at the beginning of a relationship.
Marlee:
No. I am not saying that.
Lis:
I’m just teasing.
Marlee:
I'm just saying that the only way you're really going to enjoy the intimacy that comes with sex is by being honest.
Lis:
Of course it is.
Marlee:
By what turns you on, by being open with your partner about how often you actually want to have sex and what time of day you actually really enjoy it or what types of sexual interactions really get your motor running.
I think that when you play the nympho who's always, you know, like, “Oh, I want it. Oh yeah, I want it in the car. Oh, I want it. I want it on the table. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I want it in the elevator”. You're doing the whole porno fantasy thing, but the fact is guys are pretty simple and they're like, “Oh, Yeah, yeah I really, I really got a, a golden nugget right here. Oh yeah. She wants to be banged like everywhere, dude”. And it's like, no, she doesn't. No, she doesn't. There's a reason that nymphomania is a mental illness because most people don't want it all the time in every crazy place that you can imagine.
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
And so you're setting everybody up for just great letdown.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
If you set these crazy standards. I don't know. I like to do the old surprise. I like to let my husband think he ain't getting any. And then all of a sudden, I surprise him and he is so happy, right? It’s like he's won the lottery. But if he was expecting me to really deliver every day, multiple times a day.
I couldn't.
Lis:
Where is the surprise in that?
Marlee:
I couldn't.
Lis:
No, well, who can?
Marlee:
There's too much to do.
Lis:
There's too much to do.
Marlee:
And I don't want to.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
How about that? I don't want to.
Lis:
And like you said from the beginning, for women, it is a mental thing.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And to get worked up that many times a day with all of the expectations that you have from not only your partner, but from life and from your family and yeah, it's just, it's too much. It’s too much.
Marlee:
And I'll tell you something else. I feel bad for the guy.
Lis:
Of course.
Marlee:
Because sometimes the guy…
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Doesn't want it as much.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
And then they'll feel like, “oh, shit, I got to deliver again. I'm tired”.
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
“God, I had two drinks. I don't want to do this. I want to just watch the game, go to bed”.
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
“Why do I have to do this?”
Lis:
Well, and you're right. And then you get disappointed.
Marlee:
That's right. No, but what I am saying is the woman has set up this false sense that she wants it all the time or she wants it a certain way. And the poor guy. Is like, “oh man”.
Lis:
Well, and let's be honest, it is harder, I think, for a guy to fake it.
Marlee:
Yeah, exactly. So, I mean, like, you're not only doing this to preserve yourself, it's about self preservation, but it's also about the preservation of your partner.
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
Because it's hard when two people feel like they always have to be these like sexual dynamos.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Right? I think that the other thing that it can be really dangerous is when you use sex as a filler for any kind of issue in your relationship. So for example, I know people where they'll fight and they don't know how to resolve the conflict so then they just have sex.
Lis:
Oh my gosh. Yes. I've heard that before. Yes.
Marlee:
And they think, “okay, well this is how I'm showing my partner it's all good”. But you haven't resolved the issue.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
If anything, you've just made things worse, as far as I'm concerned because now you've taken negative feelings and hostility and associated it with sex.
Lis:
With something that's supposed to be wonderful and pleasurable.
Marlee:
Exactly.
Lis:
Yeah, I don't get that.
Marlee:
I'll give you another example when people can't apologize. So they use sex. They offer sex as an apology.
Lis:
No, thank you.
Marlee:
Right?
Lis:
Well, I mean, for me, yeah, that would not work.
Marlee:
But I want you to think about that. I want you to think about when an apology means that a person is validating you.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Right? Is saying I recognize that what I did violated you in some way, hurt your feelings, and I am taking the responsibility for that, right?
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And as we said…
Lis:
As it should be.
Marlee:
Like, validation=aphrodisiac, right?
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
So listen, I get apologizing.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And then having great make up sex.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
That I understand because you both have resolved something and you've made up. Right? You've acknowledged your wrong and you've made up. And you're reinforcing your boundaries. You're reinforcing your intimacy. You're reinforcing the connection that you have with that make up sex.
Lis:
Sounds phenomenal.
Marlee:
Right?
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
But to do the sex instead of the apology.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
Nah!
Lis:
I couldn't even get my head mentally there, I think, at that point.
Marlee:
Right?
Lis:
If that was my apology, I, yeah.
Marlee:
Oh, I wouldn't accept that. Are you kidding me?
Lis:
I was like, absolutely not.
Marlee:
Yeah. No way! Also, using sex to try and gain love. That's always a bad idea.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And I think so many women fall into this trap.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
They think that by offering up a lot of sex and some kinky shit on top of it, that they're going to get the guy's love.
Lis:
Yes, you're totally right. But I also will say, I think a lot of women use sex as a punishment and will withhold sex too.
Marlee:
Yes! No, I…
Lis:
And men too. I'm not saying just women…
Marlee:
But they will.
Lis:
But using it, like to me, like that's not negotiating. That's blackmail. I mean, that's like…
Marlee:
It's just so counterproductive.
Lis:
It is. You're not…
Marlee:
It's so counterproductive.
Now there's a big difference between saying “You've pissed me off. I'm not turned on. I don't like you right now. And so I'm not going to have sex with you.” That's a big difference versus you didn't do what I wanted, ergo, you're not getting any.
Lis:
Yes, and I'll determine when that time period ends.
Marlee:
No, I agree. I think that's a dangerous game to play.
Lis:
Well, it is because to me, I think that that is like a lead in to infidelity right there. I mean, this is the one person that you are supposed to be having sex with and withholding sex from that person during like however long this time period is. I mean, I feel like that definitely can cause a wandering eye. I don’t know.
Marlee:
No, I agree. I will also tell you, do not be a nympho for material possessions. I know women that do that, too. They will take it up the ass so they get a Birkin. I'm sorry, no purse is worth that. That's just my opinion.
Lis:
Some people like it. Some people are into it. I don’t know.
Marlee:
If you're into it, no judgment. I'm telling you, not my bag, baby. Oh, get it? Not my bag, baby! All right, I love it. That was a great pun. I think that when you engage in sexual conduct and interactions with another person in order to gain material possessions, you're demeaning yourself.
Lis:
Oh, and your relationship. Yeah. Of course.
Marlee:
Yeah. No, you are. Absolutely. You're turning something that's supposed to be intimate into something transactional.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And it doesn't matter if you're married. It still is in many ways a very transactional feel to it. I don't know. I don't like it.
Lis:
No, I don't either. And you're just kind of saying it in that way. Yeah. Regardless of whether or not you're married, sex is supposed to be something that is intimate and brings you together.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
And when it becomes transactional, yeah, I don't know. It feels icky.
Marlee:
Yeah. I mean, look, also the fact is sexual appetites change.
Lis:
They sure do.
Marlee:
They change over time, they change as relationships develop, they change when you add children to the mix, if somebody's ill, if somebody's having some mental health issues, if there's a lot of stress going on at work, I mean, it's just…
Lis:
As you age, your body changes too.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
And I think that there's a lot of physical…
Marlee:
It ebbs and flows.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
And it's important to understand that sex in a relationship ebbs and flows and you should be communicating…
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
About all of that with your partner. I think that when you do erase the intimacy, and I think that's what people end up doing when they create these phony sexual personas.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
They erase the intimacy that should naturally be building over time, right?
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
They erase the trust.
Lis:
Great point.
Marlee:
They just do. Because I know for me, I want to feel really emotionally connected to my partner. That is a large part of what gets me off.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
You know, is that incredible intimate connection. And if my partner's just doing something to like check a box, you know.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
You know what I mean?
Lis:
Of course you do.
Marlee:
You know.
Lis:
Of course you do.
Marlee:
Just like with the whole faking of the orgasms. It's like you're sending this message to your partner that you're not worth it. I'm not willing to take the time to really connect with you. I'm just going through the motions to get it over with.
Right? I don't see how that would feel good. Now, I guess I'm sure a guy will be like, “Are you kidding me? Shut up, Marlee. It's fine. It's fine. Let her go through the motion.”
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
But I don't know. For me, I do think that men really do have more mind-blowing sex when there is that mutual emotional connection.
Lis:
Of course, I think as a couple, I think that yes, having that connection and listen, every time you have sex isn't necessarily going to be mind blowing.
Marlee:
No.
Lis:
I mean, it's just a lot of things that come into play, but I do think that that intimate connection. Having that be the kind of cornerstone of your sexual relationship I think is so important and I think you made such a great point because when you have that, you realize that things are going to ebb and flow like you mentioned and I think it's so important to set your expectations in a realistic manner and have that open line of communication when it comes to sex and I think that you made those points really well.
Marlee:
Yeah, I mean if your relationship is also just based on sex. You're not going to have a long-term relationship.
Lis:
It's not going to last very long.
Marlee:
It's not foundational. If you're missing the trust, if you're missing the respect, if you're missing the communication and the intimacy.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Right? Intimacy is so much more than the act of sex. If you're missing those things, if you're just doing the sex act, you're not having a true partnership.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
You're having a booty call.
Lis:
That's right. That's a booty call.
Marlee:
Right? That's what you are. And you know, I wanted to get back to what you said about the whole punishment thing, because I do think that sex should never be used for punishment or even reward.
And I know in a prior episode, I joked about how you can train your partner to like maybe be cleaner by offering them a hand job or a blow job. And listen, I do still stand by that. But I think that it's really important that people do not use sex for power.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Because to me, when it's used as punishment or reward, it's a power play.
Lis:
Of course it is, it's one sided.
Marlee:
And it, exactly.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And it just sets a bad precedent and it's going to come back to haunt whoever was using it as a power play. Sex really needs to be something that both people consent to. They're both mutually into it. They're both getting some sort of benefit from it.
Lis:
Well exactly because when you reward somebody with sex, it automatically becomes one sided and one person is giving sex rather than, like, two people actually sharing in the intimacy. I mean, if you want to reward somebody, give them a cookie. I don't, I don't know.
Marlee:
Yeah. It's like, no, I, who doesn't love cookies?
Lis:
I mean, I love a cookie.
Marlee:
I agree with you. And I do think that when you use sex as either punishment or reward, it mutes feelings. I really, I think it does because I think people know.
Lis:
Well of course they do. That they're being used. I don't know. It’s just, there’s an ick.
Marlee:
Yeah, it also feels very immature to me. It feels like an incredibly immature way of interacting with your partner.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
There are lots of ways that you can let somebody know you're unhappy or you're happy with them without using sex. It feels almost like what you would do to a pet, you know, the whole punishment reward thing.
Lis:
I was going to say. One hundred percent.
Marlee:
You're just…I don't like it.
Lis:
You're taking away the intimacy, and you really are making it one sided. You're making it about something else. And it really should be about the two of you sharing something as a couple.
Marlee:
I agree. I will tell you that sex is an important part of any relationship, certainly a long-term relationship. I do very much believe in that. But I think that for so many people, they just don't have the strong communication that's necessary to address all of the different issues that just naturally come up in a sexual relationship, especially a long-term sexual relationship. And so I'm hoping that our listeners can take a step back and really think about what motivates them to have sex with their partner and why that's their motivation. And if they're not happy with that motivation, what can they do to actively change it?
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships.
Today's topic, When Your Partner Says They're Fine When They Obviously are Not. Oh. I know you and I both like to let people know when we are unhappy. I don't think I've ever been a person that says, “I'm fine, I'm fine.” So I find that behavior very frustrating. Do you mind if I go first?
Lis:
Please do.
Marlee:
Okay. So it signals that there's poor communication in the relationship.
It may be a sign that the partner does not feel comfortable or safe expressing their feelings with you. It can be a passive aggressive behavior. This is especially the case if the person finds other ways to let you know that things are not fine instead of just telling you and trying to work through the issue.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
It's exhausting for the person to try and guess or attempt to make things better when they're not even sure what is wrong in the first place. Remember, you can't be a mind reader.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Somebody has to tell the other person why they're upset. I think it's such a counterproductive behavior because it always causes resentment.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It makes your partner stop caring about your feelings. And I also think that if children observe this social script, they learn this type of behavior and repeat it in their own interpersonal relationships.
Lis:
Sure do.
Marlee:
It's unhealthy and shows a lack of self preservation. If your partner's willing to open a conversation about an issue that seems to be bothering you, but you're avoiding it because you're either uncomfortable with any type of conflict or letting your feelings be known, you're just denying yourself the resolution that you really want.
Lis:
That's so true.
Marlee:
So again, it's just so counterproductive to practicing self preservation.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Those are mine.
Lis:
That's great. Those are all really good. And I actually took a slightly different take on it because I have been this person.
Marlee:
Oh?
Lis:
Not a lot, not a lot. Because I think people immediately know with me by reading by the look on my face, whether or not I'm actually fine or not and so when somebody asks me…
So I have done this. But in my defense, sometimes I really just need a minute to absorb the situation.
Marlee:
Okay.
Lis:
And that's a big part of it. I think we're all entitled to our feelings, but that doesn't mean that they're all valid. So sometimes you just need to take a minute. And if you're angry about something, sometimes it's fleeting.
Marlee:
Okay.
Lis:
Because it's something that... I show it on my face, but like I realized it's not really that big of a deal and I can let it pass.
Marlee:
That's a good point.
Lis:
Also, sometimes it's not the right place or time to talk about something.
Marlee:
Oh!
Lis:
Like in front of the kids or family or friends. Don't ask me what's wrong at that point in time. Wait till it's in private.
Marlee:
Ah, that's a very good one, too.
Lis:
They don't want to, or maybe they're not ready yet to talk about the situation. Emotions need processing, and people are entitled to their space. And then, bro, maybe they are fine. Maybe they're just being introspective, and maybe you're projecting something that you've done onto them, and you feel guilty about something, so you constantly keep asking, like, “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”
Marlee:
Oh, Freud is back in the building. I like it, Lis. Those are really good.
Lis:
It was. That was a good vent. I feel cleansed.
Marlee:
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.Romancipation.com.
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