Do Your Partner Expectations Live Up to Reality?

00:00 

Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it! This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating, and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.

00:30 

It's time to rethink your approach to your love life, take charge, and get Romancipated. 

Marlee:

On today's episode, Do Your Partner Expectations Live Up to Reality? Okay, Lis, you and I have spoken a lot about expectations and a lot about reality, and I think this is a biggie.

Lis:

Yes.

Marlee:

I really do. I think that when two people get together, they always have a sense of what they think the relationship is going to be, and who they think their partner is, and what their partner will be able to deliver to them. Right?

01:09 

Lis:

Agreed. 

Marlee:

And often, it's not particularly realistic. We all have our laundry lists. You and I have talked about that. 

Lis:

We do. 

Marlee:

Of what we want in a partner. And these are, these ideal lists of like, you know, he's got to be tall, he's got to be handsome, he's got to be rich, right? Good sense of humor, blah, blah, blah, right?

01:28 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

We all have these. And anybody who says that they don't have a laundry list in the back of their mind. 

Lis:

They're lying. 

Marlee:

That's right. We all do, it's natural, but I think as we mature and as we experience different types of relationships, we hopefully start to recognize that our wants and needs get more refined and that some of the things that were on that list are no longer in the absolutely necessary category, but move to the would be nice.

01:55

Lis:

I was going to say it moves from a need to have to a nice to have. 

Marlee:

Exactly. I think it is really important that at each point in a relationship, people do a really thoughtful deep dive. They not only do an honest assessment of what their expectations were of their partner. But also, are they meeting the expectations that their partner probably had for them.

02:23 

Lis:

So Marlee, you're so right there because I feel like it is a two way street and I feel like your expectations when you first meet somebody, I don't know, I mean, I still feel like they're more superficial than they are kind of that dive that you really need to sustain a fulfilled relationship down the path.

02:42 

And I think the younger you are, maybe the more superficial it kind of starts out as, and I think the older that you get, you realize that the expectations have shifted from something maybe superficial to something that is more core. 

Marlee:

That's sustainable. 

Lis:

That's sustainable. Because a lot of the things that are on your original bucket list are things that may or may not be out of somebody's control. I mean, to a degree, like physical appearance, things like that.

03:13

Marlee:

Yeah.

Lis:

It's the core kind of expectations that we're talking about. 

Marlee:

No, I mean, listen, you have to ask, are you saying to your partner, I need you to offer or deliver commitment? That's realistic. 

Lis:

Exactly. 

Marlee:

I think it's realistic to expect if somebody, in fact, says, yes, I will be committed to you, that they follow through.

03:34

Lis:

One hundred percent.

Marlee:

Right? You and I have talked about infidelity. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

And if you've made a commitment to be monogamous, and that's a commitment you've made and then you decide to stray…

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

That's a problem. 

Lis:

One hundred percent.

Marlee:

You're not meeting your partner's expectations. Financial security, I think that's a big one. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

I think that that can be very unfair because I think a lot of people will have very particular expectations and it might seem like their partner can meet those expectations. And then the pie in the sky dream, all of a sudden, doesn't work out. 

04:06

Lis:

Got it. 

Marlee:

And the financial reality is actually very different. Especially once you have the real adult expenses: a home, potentially children, car payments, all these things that when you're young you don't necessarily think about. 

Lis:

Absolutely. Life is expensive. 

04:24

Marlee:

But are those financial expectations being met? I think everybody dreams of having this certain lovely, beautiful, easy lifestyle. But the fact is, it's very difficult for most people to attain. 

Lis:

Absolutely. 

Marlee:

Companionship. I think again, so many people get together looking for that love, that companionship, that partnership. And in the beginning, that expectation, I think, is very realistic. Why are you getting into a relationship if you're not looking for companionship? 

04:52

Lis:

Exactly. 

Marlee:

But, as you and I both know, sometimes people's personalities don't mesh well. 

Lis:

Right.

Marlee:

Sometimes people evolve away from one another. Sometimes something happens between two people where it, like, kills the love or the feeling or resentment grows. And so that expectation of companionship disappears. 

05:15

Lis:

Well, it does. And you know, I mean, I think that that leads into also like respect for your differences. 

Marlee:

Yeah.

Lis:

And I think that a lot of times as you grow and change, I think sometimes you lose sight of a lot of the things that you just mentioned and you evolve in different directions because other priorities come into the picture and they're not the same for each partner.

05:39

Marlee:

Yeah. What about the expectation of children? And then somebody decides they don't want them, or they can't have them. 

Lis:

Yup.

Marlee:

Maybe there's some type of infertility issue. Maybe somebody doesn't want to go down the adoption route, or surrogacy, or something else. 

Lis:

Right. Like it was one thing when, if that person could, they could both have children together. But then as the needs and things shifted, then their opinion shifted. Like you said, option isn't for everybody. 

06:04

Marlee:

Yeah.

Lis:

And they didn't talk about that to begin with. 

Marlee:

Partnership. There's a lot of people that expect that there's going to be a true partnership. And once life gets serious, they realize this ain't no partnership! 

Lis:

Right.

06:19

Marlee:

This is really uneven.

Lis:

Exactly.

Marlee:

It's unfair. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

I'm not somebody's partner. I'm their wife, mother, cook, therapist, whatever role. Right?

Lis:

Exactly.

Marlee:

We've talked about the role you want to play. Does it meet your expectations? Often it doesn't. And you also have to say to yourself, am I seeing my partner for who they really are? Think about it. Once the rose-colored glasses come off and you see the person for who they really are, not who you desperately wanted them to be. 

06:50

Lis:

Wow. 

Marlee:

I think about that. 

Lis:

Such a good point. 

Marlee:

Think of how many relationships start off, I know that…

Lis:

I had a lot of rose-colored glasses. 

Marlee:

Guilty, so did I. I was going to say, where what I wanted them to be, I expected them to be did not match up to reality. They could not deliver. 

07:10

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

And it wasn't that they were a bad person, they just couldn't deliver.

Lis:

On your expectations. 

Marlee:

Yes. 

Lis:

On what you needed. 

Marlee:

Yes. 

Lis:

Maybe for somebody else they will, but for you they didn't.

Marlee:

You’re looking at me like…well. 

Lis:

Cause you're like, no, they were not going to deliver for anybody.

07:29 

Marlee:

Yeah, I know. Not to be a total bitch. No, that's not true because I think everybody's expectations are different. 

Lis:

Everybody's expectations are different. 

Marlee:

So they very well may have delivered for somebody else's expectations. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

Not mine. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

That's why they're my exes, just saying. And listen, I do think that people will often ignore signs that indicate that somebody is not going to meet your expectations.

07:48

Hello, it's called being faithful. I mean, if people have cheated in the past, but then you somehow think that if you take the relationship forward or get more serious, if you haven't yet been serious. That they're all of a sudden going to now be committed to you and be monogamous. That's an unrealistic expectation.

08:07

Lis:

Well, and I was going to say, I think that there's, like you said, a list of realistic expectations that you can go into a relationship just commonly expecting versus things that creep up that really kind of become unrealistic expectations too.

Marlee:

Yeah.

Lis:

I think a lot of people do have things that maybe they deemed as being really important, but all of a sudden now that expectation has to go out the window. I mean, I don't know.

08:31

Marlee:

Yeah. Well, but I also think expectations change. 

Lis:

They do. 

Marlee:

Over time. 

Lis:

Of course they do. 

Marlee:

They absolutely do. I know that that's definitely happened with me. I know that as I have been with my husband, as I recognized how competent he was, my expectations increased.

08:50 

Lis:

Oh. 

Marlee:

Right? 

Lis:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear you.

Marlee:

So, if I saw him be really competent in vacuuming, I expected him to…

Lis:

You bought him a Dyson? 

Marlee:

Yeah, of course I did! I expected him to then show that competence in cleaning the bathroom. 

Lis:

Exactly. 

Marlee:

Right? My expectations shifted from being like, before, like, oh, he's probably not going to do it, to like, whoa, whoa, whoa. This guy pays attention to detail. He knows what he's doing. 

09:14

Lis:

He's good with mop. 

Marlee:

He’s good with a mop, yeah. But now I expect him to take on sort of different roles. 

Lis:

Exactly. 

Marlee:

Or new duties. 

Lis:

There you go. I love it. 

Marlee:

I do think that as the relationship matures, you can be more realistic about your expectations. About either sort of reducing them a little bit, being like, listen, he's not going to last five hours. That expectation's never going to happen.

09:37

Lis:

Exactly. 

Marlee:

Unless I guess you give him a pill. So you know what? I'm okay with two. Two's good. 

Lis:

Two hours is fine. 

Marlee:

Two's great.

Lis:

I think most people would be very happy with that.

Marlee:

Or I guess she's not going to give me sex every day. I guess we really are at a point in our life where that's an unrealistic expectation.

09:55

Lis:

Yes. You've evolved. 

Marlee:

I'm not necessarily saying about me and my husband. I mean, I'm just saying that these, I think, are realistic expectations. 

Lis:

No I am agreeing. I'm saying we've evolved, like it evolves. Yes. 

Marlee:

It's interesting because I do still speak to a lot of women who are middle aged. I’ve got to tell you, they still have these, like, romance novel type of list of expectations. Which I find so fascinating.

10:17 

Lis:

Damn that Danielle Steele. 

Marlee:

I know! It's like, but they're still waiting for that knight in shining armor to shine through. And I'm like, your husband is a slob. He was never a knight to begin with. He's never going to be a knight. I don't even understand why you think this emergence is all of a sudden going to happen. Like, there's going to be a transformation. I don't know. 

10:34

Lis:

After ten, fifteen, twenty years. 

Marlee:

Yeah! 

Lis:

Right, exactly. 

Marlee:

You know, or then if the relationship ends, they somehow think that there's some Prince Charming waiting around the corner. 

Lis:

Right, exactly. 

10:46

Marlee:

And I'm like, if he was there, there'd be a lot of women fighting for him. But so I think it's interesting, the power of expectation, I guess is what I'm trying to say, because people hold onto it. Like they don't want to let it go, they just hold onto it. And while I think it's so important to communicate your expectations to your partner.

Lis:

Yes.

Marlee:

If your expectations are unrealistic or unobtainable, you're doing yourself such a disservice and you're doing your partner such a disservice because you're always going to be unhappy.

11:18

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

You're always going to be dissatisfied. 

Lis:

One hundred percent. That's such a good point. 

Marlee:

People need to really think about where did they even get their expectations? Because I think a lot of people get them from their own familial experience.

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

I think if they observe their parents have a certain type of relationship. They have certain expectations, and I think if they observe their parents have a positive relationship, they want to match it or surpass it.

11:45

Lis:

Right.

Marlee:

I think if there was a not particularly healthy relationship, there are people who will either have very low expectations, which is sad, and I think that's very common. Or their expectations are so unrealistic because they're trying to counter all the negativity…

12:01 

Lis:

They are trying to compensate. They are trying to negate it.

Marlee:

Yeah. The expectations, not only of their partner, but also of themselves, of what they think they should be able to offer. 

Lis:

No, I think that's totally fair. But I also will say that I think a lot of people get their expectations from social media.

Marlee:

Yeah.

12:16

Lis:

I think that that has completely shifted the mindset. 

Marlee:

Right.

Lis:

And I think that the older that we've gotten, certainly social media has become much more prominent and I feel like it's become a highlight reel of people's lives. And when they're scrolling through their feed and they're seeing all of these happy pictures of family members or acquaintances doing all of these amazing things, their expectations all of a sudden become living vicariously through other people's highlight reel.

Marlee:

I agree.

12:45

Lis:

And I don't think that it leads to a realistic expectation of what goes on behind closed doors because the reality is, is every single one of those pictures was, ninety-nine percent staged. 

Marlee:

It's a snapshot in time. 

Lis:

Yes.

Marlee:

Exactly. And it's completely manipulated to make you feel that way. 

Lis:

To make you feel that way. 

Marlee:

And people need to be aware of that.

13:04

Lis:

Exactly. 

Marlee:

Because, again, the same way people want so much from their partner, they have to always say to themselves. Do I deliver? 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

Because I would never expect something if I couldn't deliver it right back and then some. 

Lis:

You got it. 

Marlee:

Right? That's me. Now, I obviously think a lot of myself, but I also know that I can deliver a lot.

13:23

Lis:

But you also deliver a lot. I was going to say you deliver. And you're aware. 

Marlee:

And so I expect a partner who is going to deliver as well. 

Lis:

Exactly. 

Marlee:

I think you have to be realistic. 

Lis:

You do. 

Marlee:

About what everybody brings to the party. And I do think that one of the biggest disappointments in long term relationships is that people's expectations of their partner never end up living up to what they had originally envisioned. And I think you get this a lot with the whole midlife crisis.

13:50

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

People think that their lives aren't what they should be. And instead of taking a step back and really like getting some outside help from maybe a therapist and wondering about why you had these expectations for yourself or for your family or for your partner, they just become resentful.

Lis:

Right.

14:11

Marlee:

“I didn't get this. This didn't happen. You didn't do this, and therefore, obviously, I need to go somewhere else, or look at something else or somebody else”.

Lis:

I was going to say or something else will be more of what I wanted or needed in my life. 

Marlee:

Yeah, and I'm not saying that might not be accurate. It might be that, in fact, you kind of have a wake-up call, and you're like, this isn't the life that I wanted, or this isn't the right person for me.

14:30

Lis:

But see to me, I was going to say, that's more self-reflecting, right? Like, a midlife crisis really should be more self-reflecting, and kind of thinking about... Where did I veer or where did my expectation not meet my reality in terms of where I'm at in my life? Because midlife crisis really, I think for the most part, comes down to a “you” problem, right?

14:51

Marlee:

It is, but it's a problem that always severely impacts the relationship. 

Lis:

One hundred percent.

Marlee:

I agree, it's always a “you” problem, but for so many people, instead of making it about them, they make it about the other person. 

Lis:

Yes. They're pointing fingers. It’s somebody else’s fault.

Marlee:

The other person has stopped them from reaching the heights they're supposed to soar, right?

15:11

Lis:

Yes, exactly. 

Marlee:

And so this is why it's important to recognize what your expectations are for yourself, for your partner. Are they realistic? Are they fair? Have they evolved? Why have they evolved? Are they supported by the evidence? 

Lis:

Right, I was going to say, or if they haven't evolved, why haven't they evolved?

15:29 

Marlee:

Yeah. 

Lis:

Because they kind of should. 

Marlee:

And I do think that having dissatisfaction in life and in a relationship is completely normal. It's normal and everything goes in phases and I think people need to weather the storm, so to speak, and make sure after they've done that self assessment, as well as, the assessment of their relationship and if they've come to a pretty strong conclusion that this just isn't the right relationship for me, I encourage people to move forward and find an individual or a situation that will make them happy.

16:02 

But often, like I said, those unstable periods, if you put in the time and the energy and are thoughtful about it, you can get past them. You have to just really adjust the reality. Your expectations need to meet the reality of the situation. 

It's venting time with Marlee and Lis. 

Marlee:

It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships.

16:28

Today's topic, When a Partner Wants You to Go Above Your Agreed Upon Budget for a Home, ooh, Lis, do you mind if I go first? 

Lis:

No, I can tell. I can tell. 

Marlee:

Alright, before a couple ever decides to purchase a home, they need to be realistic about their financial situation and what type of monthly costs they can carry going forward.

16:53 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

Purchasing a home is usually the most valuable asset you have to your name. It's foolish and short-sighted to overspend on something that is so important to your daily existence. If you cannot afford to keep up mortgage payments, upkeep, and all the other expenses associated with owning a home or apartment, you'll either end up losing it, or it will fall into a state of disrepair and lose value.

17:18

Neither of which are good choices. 

Lis:

No.

Marlee:

Even if this causes a huge fight between you and your partner, do not go over the agreed upon budget. There should be open communication about the expectations of what each person wants in their new home and what you can realistically afford. Sometimes desires cannot be met and people will have to be okay with settling on not having everything on their wish list or having their dream home.

17:48 

Since this is such a large expense, be realistic about the amount of space you actually need. If the neighborhood is a good fit and if the home is in a location that you can see yourself living in long term. Do not go over budget because you want to impress others or trying to live an aspirational life.

18:10 

It will come back to haunt you. If you cannot afford the home initially, you will not be able to keep up with your neighbors. So don't even try. It's thoughtless, disrespectful and dangerous behavior to yourself, to your partner and to your relationship. You need to be accountable to one another to make sure that you are both behaving in the best financial interests possible of the partnership.

18:44

And going over budget on a home when you cannot afford to is a disaster waiting to happen. I cannot emphasize that enough. 

Lis:

Man!

Marlee:

Those are mine, Lis. 

Lis:

They were so good. 

Marlee:

Thank you.

Lis:

I mean, I'm going to keep this short and sweet because I feel the exact same way as you. If you're not talking about money with your partner from the get go, you're not building a shared future together.

19:05 

Finances are a loaded area. Buying a home can reveal bigger relationship problems because it's the biggest financial transaction you'll make together. And there are a lot of emotions and expectations tied up in the idea of a home. And this isn't just a budget. To me, this is a blueprint for being on the same page, moving into your future together.

19:28 

Marlee:

Absolutely. 

Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.Romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released.

19:55

Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast, please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify. Reviews let Apple know that great listeners, like you, enjoy our show, and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again, and stay Romancipated.