Being the Sidepiece Should Never Be an Option

00:00 

Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating, and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.

00:30

It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated. 

Marlee:

Today's topic, Being the Sidepiece Should Never Be an Option. I really have some strong thoughts about this topic Lis. 

Lis:

Yeah.

Marlee:

And I think the reason I have strong thoughts about it is because infidelity can't take place unless there's another willing party. Right?

00:59

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

And I always think that there's a big difference between a person who ends up being a sidepiece, meaning that they're the third party.

Lis:

Right.

Marlee:

They're having an emotional and physical relationship with an individual who's already involved with another person in a committed relationship.

Lis:

Right

01:19 

Marlee:

So that would be like the primary relationship. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

The sidepiece for me, it's very much about knowledge. 

Lis:

Okay. I was going to say the exact same thing. 

Marlee:

All right. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

If you know… 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

That you're the sidepiece, I take issue with you. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

If you don't know you're the sidepiece. You are victimized in the same way.

01:43

Lis:

I agree. 

Marlee:

As the person who's being cheated on. 

Lis:

I, okay. I totally agree with that. 

Marlee:

Right? 

Lis:

I totally agree with that because like you are this unwilling participant. 

Marlee:

Participant. 

Lis: 

Yes. No, it's a really bad place to be in and it's a bad look. It's a bad feeling. 

Marlee:

Okay. So, I want to differentiate between the people who are unknowingly a sidepiece.

02:09

Lis:

Okay. I think that's fair. 

Marlee:

Right? They've been lied to and, and let me be very clear, I mean, they've been lied to. I don't mean that you're having a relationship with some guy or gal and you've never been to their place because it's always being painted, or their roommates are really loud or messy or, you've never been introduced to their family members or their friend group or you're never invited to a work situation. There's always an excuse. I mean come on.

02:42 

Lis:

Wow. That's like putting blinders on. 

Marlee:

Well, but I think a lot of people that are sidepieces, do put blinders on…

Lis:

Because they don't want to know?

02:48

Marlee:

Either they don't want to know or I think they like to play the naivete card of like, oh, I had no idea. 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

Even though the signs were there, the person didn't actually say, Hey sweetie, you're my sidepiece. 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

But it was pretty obvious that you're the sidepiece. 

Lis:

Right. Okay. 

Marlee:

Does that make sense?

03:07

Lis:

Yeah. Okay. 

Marlee:

Now, there are some people who are such scoundrels. They're so good at deception and cheating that they really are able to convince another person that they're in a monogamous relationship with just them. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

Lis:

It's like an art form. 

03:24

Marlee:

I have actually known two different people whose father’s had second families that got only discovered because of the travel agent calling the wrong wife.

Lis:

What? Shut the front door. 

Marlee:

Yes!

Lis:

Stop it. 

Marlee:

Okay. So that takes talent. I mean, I'm not talking about just about a sidepiece, I'm talking about a whole separate family.

03:49

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

Two houses. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

In two different locations. Two wives and two sets of kids.

Lis:

And neither of them knew?

Marlee:

Neither one. 

Lis:

Neither of them knew because I feel like one usually knows about the other.

Marlee:

No, no. 

Lis:

I don’t know. Wow. 

Marlee:

And within a few years of each other so the kids were similar in age. 

Lis:

What? 

Marlee:

Yeah. 

Lis: 

Is this a Dateline special? 

Marlee:

No, and the way it worked was, is that each of these men had the type of job

04:14 

where it acted as the perfect cover for them to be able to be M.I.A. and unreachable and it was completely legitimate. 

Lis:

See, I feel like that can't happen as much in this day and age with cell phones and like technology the way that it is. I feel like this happened pre-technology.

04:42 

Marlee:

This happened pre-technology, but okay. Are you ready for this? These guys were not truck drivers or in the military or law enforcement…

Lis:

Traveling salesman?

Marlee:

No. Doctors.

Lis:

What? 

Marlee:

Doctors. 

Lis:

Wow. 

Marlee:

Yeah. 

Lis:

And oh, because they just worked a lot. 

Marlee:

Yeah.

Lis:

They worked a lot. 

Marlee:

They would just say they were on call.

04:54

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

They were at the hospital. 

Lis:

Wow. 

Marlee:

Yeah. 

Lis:

Okay, I'm sorry, my mind's blown. 

Marlee:

Well, thank you. I have personally witnessed this level of deception, so I'm not telling you it's not possible. 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

But I would say it's pretty darn rare. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

I think most people are acutely aware that they are the sidepiece.

05:18

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

And are very much willing participants in what is happening. And I take issue with it. I really do.

Lis:

I take issue with it, but I feel like a lot of people that are the other person, right, the mistress or the, what would you call a guy? Would you call him Mister?

05:40

Marlee:

Mister. I don’t know. 

Lis:

It's weird. Okay. Sorry. I feel like, they feel like I didn't make this commitment to this other person and, I don't owe them anything. Like, this is my happiness. Maybe they feel like they're happy. I feel like that is the rationale that I have heard from people.

06:00

Marlee:

I've heard that too.

Lis:

Like I don't owe them anything. 

Marlee:

I've heard that too. I've had multiple people that I know who have engaged in this behavior and they are the sidepiece, and that is exactly the rationale they gave, is I didn't make a commitment to that person.

Lis:

Right.

Marlee:

And listen, I'm going to say right now, that's a legitimate argument. I'm not going to tell you because they didn't make that commitment. I agree. 

06:23

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

But it still doesn't excuse the fact that they know that they are actively a participant in creating damage to another person. 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

Or people if like, there's a family involved. I feel strongly about that. And the other thing that I know a lot of these people have at least said to me is they sort of live this lie about how they're only get involved with other people that have relationships or are married because they don't want a quote serious commit. And I'm just always like, bullshit. If you don't want a serious commitment, there's a ton of people out there who are more than willing to bang you. 

07:05

Lis:

Absolutely. 

Marlee:

And not have to buy you flowers. Or like listen to you complain about your mother. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

I'm sorry. So this whole, oh, I don't want a serious commitment.

07:14

Lis:

Right. That is easier. That is easier this way. 

Marlee:

It's such a BS justification for the behavior. When people do involve themselves in these sort of like love triangles, I don't think they have a really high regard for their safety. Maybe it's the lawyer in me. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

But I'm thinking to myself, there's a reason that there's a special type of murder that's called a crime of passion. Why would you put yourself in a situation where you're knowingly involved with somebody? 

07:47

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

Where if another person finds out. They might try to kill you. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

Or hurt you. Because really, let's face it, when you are the sidepiece, you are always the one that's blamed, even though it takes two to tango.

08:00 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

The person who's being cheated on almost always blames you. 

Lis:

I know. 

Marlee:

Instead of their partner who's cheating.

Lis:

Why is that? 

Marlee:

And the rest is society will like blame you as well. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

They'll say that you're the one who lured the individual, that you're the one with that has no moral compass really, they’ll attack you.

08:18

Lis:

I know, I actually find that so unfair. 

Marlee:

It's very unfair.

Lis:

Because listen, like you're right. It takes two to tango and this person is willingly. Because we've, we've kind of clarified that we're talking about the person that is willingly a participant in this relationship.

Marlee:

Yeah.

08:34

Lis:

But I mean, to me, they're just lacking self-esteem or self-awareness. I don't know that they're engaging in these behaviors. 

Marlee:

I agree.

Lis:

But it's not, I don't know. I don't find it to be their fault. I mean, to me it's kind of crappy. Like, you know what, listen, you are a willing participant, so you have responsibility.  You carry responsibility.

08:55

Marlee:

Yeah. No, they have responsibility. Personal responsibility, absolutely. But they don't carry the full responsibility. 

Lis:

They don't carry the full responsibility. 

Marlee:

I agree with that. 

Lis:

I think it's fair. I don't think it's fair that society labels them that way. 

Marlee:

But I think they're not being Romancipated because I think they're not taking personal responsibility for the situation. If you involve yourself in another couple's relationship and you weren't invited in, you're always going to be the bad guy no matter what other people tell you.

09:20

Lis:

Right? Right. 

Marlee:

And if the person who's cheating with you really wanted to be with you, if they really recognized that the current relationship that they’re in was the wrong match for them…

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

They would leave that relationship to be with you. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

Nothing is ever as complicated as the cheater claims it is.

9:42 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

Every single relationship can be unraveled. It might be costly, it might be painful, it might be emotional. It might take a long time, but the fact is the moment somebody leaves, the moment they say, this relationship is over. I don't want to be with you. Even if there's still a bunch of loose ends. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

The relationship has ended and you can then be in a relationship with that person legitimately.

10:10 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

The moment somebody is married, but they walk away and they said, now I'm separated from you, and they start having a relationship. As long as they're separated. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

I don't consider it cheating.

Lis:

 Oh, 100%! Nope. You have made the right choice.

10:25

Marlee:

It might take years for the divorce to be finalized.

Lis:

That’s right.

Marlee:

But I don't think you're cheating in that case. 

Lis:

No, absolutely. 

Marlee:

So I think for so many people, they want to believe that this person loves them so much, but if the person really loved and respected you and really made you a priority…

Lis:

That's right.

10:41

Marlee:

And really valued you, they would make you their primary, not their sidepiece. 

Lis:

Exactly. Because maybe, you know what, like when they're looking at it, like, are you 100% worth it?

Marlee:

Yeah.

Lis:

If I leave all of this, are you going to be enough and fill all of those holes.

Marlee:

That’s right, that's just it. I think so many sidepieces believe the lies.

11:01

Lis:

That's right. They want to believe that. 

Marlee:

They want to believe this person cares so much about them and they're the best and they're the so wonderful. But the fact is, if they are, then why hasn't the person left? If somebody's keeping you a secret from their family, from their friends, from their coworkers, I mean, ugh, wouldn't you be so insulted? 

11:22

Lis:

You're like, a dirty little secret. 

Marlee:

Yeah. I mean, so much of your relationship and having a legitimate relationship is having a relationship in open society. 

Lis:

Right.

11:30

Marlee:

So if it's a secret relationship, how can you even see it as being a real relationship? 

Lis:

Well, it's not. It's not a real relationship. 

Marlee:

Okay, so you do agree. Do you think these people empathize with the individual? Who's being cheated on? Like, do you think that they can step back and say, you know what? I would hate it if somebody did that to me.

11:55

Lis:

You would hope so. I mean, to me, you would hope so. You would have, you would hope somebody has empathy and to be able to see and feel like what…

Marlee:

But if you have empathy, why are you doing it? 

Lis:

I don't know. That's a really good question. I don't know why.

Marlee:

I don't know why either.

12:10

Lis:

I had to take a deep breath there because I feel like, I guess if you have empathy, then you wouldn't do it. 

Marlee:

I think that if you don't have empathy, you need to engage in some serious self-reflection. 

Lis:

Agreed. 

Marlee:

If you can't empathize how it might feel to think you're in a committed relationship with somebody and, and that person that you think you're committed to is stepping out with another person.

12:28

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

If you can't understand, if you somehow want to believe that that other person is just the worst individual. 

Lis:

Well, I think that that's it. You want to believe the lies? 

Marlee:

Yeah. Listen. Unless you've personally witnessed…

Lis:

Even if you've personally witnessed something.

Marlee:

But what I'm saying is, so often when you're the sidepiece, somebody’s lying to you.

12:48

Lis:

Right.

Marlee:

They're lying to you. Not only about their feelings for you, but they're lying to you about what's happening in their current relationship. 

Lis:

Correct. 

Marlee:

Or if they're not lying, it’s their perspective and their perspective is so skewed. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

And you and I have talked about perspective. 

13:00

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

And so, I just want anybody who has been a sidepiece and doesn't think there's really anything wrong with it. I want them to just take that moment to reflect and imagine that maybe somebody else's perspective is not as legitimate as they claim it is. 

Lis:

Right.

Marlee:

Maybe in fact, their spouse or their partner had a reason to withhold sex.

Lis:

Right.

13:26

Marlee:

Or maybe they weren't withholding sex. Maybe they were busy working two jobs and caring for kids and there wasn't any time because they're the main financial support of the family. Maybe that's why they didn't have time to give the guy a blowjob. So I think empathy is such an important part in this.

13:41

Lis:

It is. But also like to me know your self-worth. 

Marlee:

Yes. 

Lis:

I feel like a lot of times people fall into becoming the other person because they don't have a whole lot of self-confidence. Because if you had a lot of self-worth and realized that you are worth somebody putting all of their effort into, then you would realize that being the sidepiece is not enough.

14:11

Marlee:

It isn't. Even if the person left for you, is that how you want your relationship to begin? 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

Think about it. Do you honestly think that a person who made you a sidepiece before leaving their primary relationship is ever going to treat you with the respect that you deserve. Not to mention, do you think the person's going to trust you, and why would you trust the person?

14:38

Lis:

Well, because both of you will always be looking over your shoulders and wondering.

Marlee:

Both of you have proven to be untrustworthy. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

Both of you have proven that you're willing to violate another person's boundaries. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee:

So what makes you think that the person isn't going to cheat on you if they cheated with you?

14:57

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

And what makes you think they're not going to think that you are capable of cheating on them if you already were willing to cheat with them on their prior relationship? 

Lis:

Yep. You got it.

Marlee:

Right?

Lis:

You got it. 

Marlee:

I just think it's a recipe for disaster. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

I just do. You know? And also, how could you trust a person who you know is actively lying to the person they're in a relationship with? They're actively lying to be able to keep you as a sidepiece. 

15:22

Lis:

Oh my gosh. There's just so many holes. 

Marlee:

Yeah. If they're willing to lie to a person they claim that they once loved and cared about enough to get into a committed relationship with, then why would you think they wouldn't lie to you?

Lis:

That’s right.

15:34

Marlee:

I want to understand. If somebody thinks that they're so desirable, so amazing that another person's going to leave a committed relationship for them, then why don't they have a ton of options? Why aren't there like a line of suitors that want them. 

Lis:

Maybe that's the point. Maybe they don't feel like there is a whole lot of options out there, and this is the person that has given them the attention that they've needed. Maybe they've filled a void for this person that's in a committed relationship and they're feeling like they're getting enough back. I'm just, you know, because when you're trying to understand really, like the dynamics behind it.

16:17 

Marlee:

You're right. 

Lis:

They probably don't feel so desirable, which is why they're willing to accept less. I don't know. 

Marlee:

That's a great point. I think that family and friends, even if you end up with your lover…

Lis:

Yup.

Marlee:

They'll never respect your relationship in the same way. It'll always be tainted. I don't know. 

Lis:

I think so. 

Marlee:

Even if it does actually end in you guys having a relationship, I think other people, if they know, the origins of it. If you are together, but your lover is still with their other family. I think your family and friends might lie to you because they don't want to get into some kind of conflict with you, but they're going to have zero respect for you.

17:02

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

And for the person that you're involved with. I just think it's so important that people take responsibility for their mental and emotional wellbeing. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

As well as their safe wellbeing. Right?

17:13

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

Because if you're a sidepiece, you could easily be endangering your health because not only if the person is cheating with you, they could easily be cheating with other people, not to mention the person they're in the relationship with could be cheating as well. 

Lis:

Oh you’re right. Yeah. 

Marlee:

Do you know what I mean?

Lis:

You have no idea what you're opening yourself up to. 

17:30

Marlee:

And if you're in a relationship and you're the sidepiece, as well as you're in a relationship.

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

The person you're cheating on could be cheating. Lord knows what you're exposing yourself to in terms of like disease. 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

I think often when there's a sidepiece, there's often another sidepiece. It just hasn't been uncovered yet. I think if somebody's willing to make you a sidepiece, they're willing to make multiple people sidepieces. 

Lis:

Yeah. They're going down that path of destruction.

17:55 

Yeah. So I mean, I guess I just don't think being the sidepiece should ever be an option. I think you should love yourself. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee:

I think you should be Romancipated. I think you should demand that you are the primary person in any relationship. 

Lis:

Yes.

Marlee:

And if somebody cannot meet your wants and needs and accept that boundary, they are not the right person for you.

18:15 

Lis:

Amen sister!

It's venting time with Marlee and Lis. 

Marlee:

It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When My Partner Does Not Make Our Relationship a Priority Over Hobbies. 

Lis:

Ooh.

Marlee:

Yes. Okay. Do you mind if I go first? 

Lis:

Please do.

18:37 

Marlee:

All right. It makes a person feel like crap to be seen as less important than a way to pass the time or relax. 

Lis:

Yeah.

Marlee:

It is the cause for many disagreements between couples. It often creates tension when the hobby interferes with household duties, economic earnings, or childcare. 

Lis:

Yeah.

Marlee:

It can create financial issues.

18:59

Lis:

Sure. 

Marlee:

Because there are a lot of hobbies that are very expensive. 

Lis:

Oh, for sure. 

Marlee:

It can create resentment in the relationship. It's often a sign that the two partners have drifted apart. Especially when one partner really spends a lot of time focused on their hobbies. 

Lis:

That's a good point. 

Marlee:

It makes people feel misunderstood.

19:17 

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

I think both partners, the people who are really enjoying their hobby and the person who is watching their partner really enjoy the hobby and ignore them as a result. I think it is easy for people to become obsessed with their hobbies and focus on interpersonal relationships that are tied to that hobby.

19:36

Lis:

Ooh. Right. That's a good point. Yes. Yes. 

Marlee:

And it can create a feeling of competition in the relationship. It can make one partner feel taken for granted. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

And it can be incredibly disruptive behavior. The hobby becomes almost like a non-human mistress, so to speak. 

Lis:

Right. 

Marlee:

Those are mine. 

Lis:

Those are really good.

19:57 

Marlee:

Thank you. 

Lis:

And actually, a different way than I was looking at certain things.

Marlee:

I want to hear yours. 

Lis:

No, I just, I don't know. Maybe you need to make time for your own hobbies rather than focusing so much on what your partner is doing without you. It can definitely lead to resentment in a relationship, like you said. You could have a different idea of what quality couple time is together.

20:19 

Marlee:

Right.

Lis:

It can make you feel lonely or like you're leading parallel lives, which you also said. And if you're constantly trying to figure out where you stand with someone, maybe it's time to start walking baby. 

Marlee:

Ooh, I like those. 

Lis, and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week to view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook.  If you're enjoying the podcast, please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify.

21:07

Reviews let Apple know that great listeners like you enjoy our show and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again and stay Romancipated.