S4 Episode 1: Being Honest is Not the Same as Telling the Truth
Episode Summary
When it comes to relationships, honesty is not always the best policy. Truth is based on fact, whereas honesty is based on feelings and opinions. While it is important to be truthful with your partner about your intentions and expectations, giving your “honest” opinion is often not appreciated and can cause unnecessary conflict.
Criticism wrapped in the legitimacy of honesty carries more weight than it should. It makes the person receiving the comments believe the “honest opinion” is the consensus, which is rarely the case. If you want to alert your partner to something they have said or done that upset you, be truthful about it. Communicate in a thoughtful and productive manner and explain your feelings.
Practice empathy by acknowledging that everyone is entitled to their own perspective. Understand your partner’s boundaries and make sure your communication style is healthy instead of manipulative. Gaslighting your partner is abusive and never acceptable.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how imprudent it is to go over your budget to purchase an engagement ring.
Show Notes
A lot of conflict and hurt feelings can arise from the mask of “just being honest” in a relationship. Truth is an accurate representation of reality. Being honest is accurately expressing your feelings and opinions. Confusing these two ideas can hurt you, your partner, and your relationship.
The truth can hurt, but it can also be a tool to create understanding and acceptance. It all comes out to how you deliver it. When you try to hide insults or put downs behind the veil of “honesty,” it’s not only inappropriate, but abusive. More often than not, this is an approach men take because they believe their honesty is actually truth, when it rarely is.
When you’re communicating with your partner, know there is a difference between speaking truthfully and honestly. When you can distinguish the difference, it’s a conversation of fact versus feeling and opinion. It also helps you have a much more productive conversation if you’re both on the same page.
Don’t let “honesty” be your sword or your shield in your relationship. This is what gaslighters use to gain power. They frame their opinions as the truth or overall consensus of others. Truth isn’t always a great thing, and it can hurt. But at times, it is necessary to be truthful. You need to be equally as careful with how you express honesty because at the end of the day, it’s your position alone.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When a partner wants you to spend money you don’t have on an engagement ring. Why would you want to start off an engagement in debt, or with less money? Once you get married, your debt becomes one. Wanting to spend the rest of your life together is more important than the price of the ring.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it! This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating, and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life, take charge, and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
On today's episode, Being Honest is Not the Same as Telling the Truth.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Oh, Lis. This topic for me is an interesting one because I think a lot of people in relationships get into conflict and end up with hurt feelings and they hide behind the shield of, “I'm just being honest.”
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
So I want to start off by just saying that truth is an accurate representation of a reality. So, for example, if I say that dress you're wearing is too small on your body, that is a truth. If you are a size eight and you're wearing a size four, it is too small.
Lis:
A little snug. Yep.
Marlee:
That is the truth. Honesty, on the other hand, Lis, is accurately expressing your feelings and opinions. That would be me saying to you, “You know what, Lis? I don't think the color of that dress is flattering to your skin tone.”
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
It's just my opinion.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
One is just fact. The dress doesn't fit you.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Okay? That is the truth.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Honesty is just expressing an opinion.
Lis:
Ah, yes.
Marlee:
And for example, in a relationship, when you're discussing factual things like, oh, I don't know, how much money you have or debt you have, okay? That’s not an opinion.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
That's fact, right? That's truth. Or say, legal issues. That's another example of where you need to use the truth. People don't unfortunately.
Lis:
Right. Exactly.
Marlee:
And everybody ends up getting into trouble, but there's a difference between honesty and truth. And I think that when you confuse the two, either intentionally or unintentionally, you end up damaging yourself, your partner, and the partnership.
Lis:
Oh, I totally agree. I mean, listen, like, I actually believe that honesty is not always the best policy.
Marlee:
No, it rarely is.
Lis:
I mean, because a lot of times you're right. I think people hide behind the mask of, well, I'm just being honest. And they might be being honest, but it's your delivery. How are you being honest, and are you doing it in a way that is hurting the other person purposefully?
Marlee:
Okay, but I want you to think about the difference between honesty, using the word, I'm just being honest.
Lis:
Right, it's your opinion.
Marlee:
Versus saying, this is my opinion.
Lis:
Right, exactly, you're right.
Marlee:
Because one feels like, it's got more weight, right? An opinion is you saying, “Hey listen, I'm not saying I'm right or wrong. I'm just saying this is my opinion, or this is my feeling.”
Lis:
Okay. I do hear what you are saying.
Marlee:
But when you say, “I'm just being honest with you”, it's almost as though that's the consensus of everybody else, right? You're representing the truth. The truth is the consensus, right? The truth is that everybody agrees that size 4 dress is too small on you, Lis.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
There's not a human that would look at that size 4 dress on you and say, Yeah, that fits. Right?
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
But, people might have very different opinions as to whether or not the color is flattering.
Lis:
Right, right, right. Yeah, I do. I hear what you’re saying.
Marlee:
That’s what I'm talking about. And I agree with you. The truth might hurt when you're telling somebody the truth. It can hurt, but it should always be used as a tool that can help create understanding and acceptance.
Lis:
Right. It's how you deliver it. It is what you are saying. It might be the truth. It might be the truth that that dress does not fit. But somehow, they squeezed their body into it.
Marlee:
That's right. But exactly, how are you going to deliver it.
Lis:
But how are you going to deliver it? How are you going to let this person know in your life that that dress does not fit?
Marlee:
That's right. When you try to hide insults, put downs, or aggression behind the veil of honesty, it's abusive. And it's inappropriate.
Lis:
It is inappropriate.
Marlee:
Honesty is very much based on life experience and perspective, right? And it's important that people accept that. That maybe their version of events might not be the same version that their partner has.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
And it doesn't mean that either of you are wrong, and it doesn't mean that either of you are right.
Lis:
One hundred percent.
Marlee:
It's your opinion. It's your, quote, honest opinion. That's what you truly feel or believe. Doesn't mean it's the truth.
Lis:
No, I like that you use those words in the same sentence, honest opinion, because I feel like it's such a definition. I mean, listen, a lawyer has to tell the truth.
Marlee:
Well you hope.
Lis:
Well, they're supposed to, I mean, right? Like, you hope they are, but they don't necessarily always have to be honest, right? And so that's where it is such a, it does escape a lot of people.
Marlee:
It does. It is something that creates more problems than helps problems. And I'm just telling the truth. I don't think a lot of women. Approach arguments that way because men tend to think they're right.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
They tend to think that what they say is the authority on the subject, and they actually, I think, drink their own Kool Aid. And they believe that their honesty is actually truth, when it rarely is.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
And so I want people to understand that there's a big difference when you are in a relationship and you're communicating with your partner. There's a big difference between the two of you speaking about different subjects in a truthful way versus in an honest way.
And I think that when you distinguish that, when you actually make that distinction and the two of you actively understand you are having a conversation versus fact versus feeling and opinion, you will have a much more productive conversation if you acknowledge the difference between those things.
Maybe it's the lawyer in me, Lis, and maybe some people would say this is too technical, but I do think that for so many people, they use the concept of honesty as either a sword or a shield in a relationship. I just think they do, and I don't think it's a smart way of being.
Lis:
Listen, I mean, for me, I do think that honesty is a foundation of trust in a relationship. I think it builds it. And I think that in order for your relationship to thrive, you have to be able to trust what the other person is saying. Right? So, I think it is technical, but I think that you're making such valid points that being truthful and being honest are two very different things.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And I think that when you really break it down, I think using the word “honesty”, should really just like come out of your vocabulary. It should be this is my opinion. I'm giving you my opinion I'm really feeling this way because you're right, there's an authority to using the word honesty.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
And I didn't really get that until you just kind of dissected it a little bit more because you're right when somebody's saying I'm just being honest if you're the person that's being told like well I'm just being honest that color, it's not flattering. You're thinking wow everybody feels that way.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
Rather than it just being your partner's opinion, like, they've got something against yellow.
Marlee:
That’s right.
Lis:
It's just not great. But you're all of a sudden going to put clothes on in your day to day and think, “Wow, I must really look like crap today.”
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
Everybody thinks that. Like, they hate this color on me. And it changes your opinion.
Marlee:
Yeah. Honesty is what gaslighters use when people are trying to gaslight you.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
They try to frame their insults and their put downs as though they're being honest.
Lis:
Got it.
Marlee:
Right? That you're somehow crazy. That everybody thinks this, right? They avoid truth.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Gaslighters avoid truth.
Lis:
Amazing.
Marlee:
Right?
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
So for example, let's say you think your partner is having an affair, okay? And the reason you think they're having an affair is because you went to change your sheets and you found a pair of panties that are blatantly not yours in the sheets. It's pretty obvious somebody has been in your bed and it wasn't you. And you can guess, as long as you don't have a parade of individuals walking in and out of your bedroom, I guess.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
You can pretty much...
Lis:
It's not an Airbnb.
Marlee:
That's right. Determine that those panties are not yours and that it was probably your partner that brought the person in. So you don't have definitive proof, but it's pretty strong circumstantial evidence.
Lis:
Sure.
Marlee:
And so you decide to approach your partner and confront them and you say, “Hey, listen, I found this pair of panties, which is certainly, they're not mine because they're not in a size that I would wear number one and number two or a style. They're not mine. Are you having an affair?” And if the person is just going to flat out lie, they say, “No, those must be yours or maybe the cleaning lady dropped them or something”, right?
Lis:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marlee:
Or the dog brought them in and then you get to be like we don't have a cleaning lady and we don't have a dog, but you know, you pretty much then know the person is lying.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
They are not telling you the truth, right? The accurate representation of reality.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
But if the person responds to you and says “You're crazy. Everybody thinks you're crazy. Everyone thinks that you're super jealous and possessive and crazy. I honestly, I think you're crazy. You're acting crazy right now. You're freaking me out.” That's gaslighting you.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
They haven't denied the truth. They are trying to make you feel like their opinion is what's right. And their opinion is that you're crazy. And if you're crazy, that means what you saw with your own two eyes must be wrong. You have to question yourself.
Lis:
Gosh. Yes.
Marlee:
And so, that's what I mean when I say that honesty is often used as either a shield or a sword. In that particular example, it's used as a sword. For an example of it being used as a shield. When somebody does deliver an insult or put down to you, and then you go back at them, right? And then, “Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, I was just being honest.” They're trying to use it as a shield. To deflect. “Hey, now, don't kill the messenger. I was just being honest.”
Lis:
Right, right, right.
Marlee:
When in fact they weren't. They were giving you an opinion that they didn't need to. That was meant to hurt your feelings.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
And they just didn't like the fact that you decided to come back at them. Right?
Lis:
Yes. Oh man.
Marlee:
So, we will end this by saying truth, not always a great thing, because truth often hurts.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Unfortunately.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And that's why so many people don't deal in truth. Honesty can be very hurtful as well. So, truth and honesty, important concepts to understand the difference. Recognize when you need to be very truthful with your partner.
You need to be truthful about your financial situation. You need to be truthful if you're exposing them to disease or danger. You need to be truthful that you actually followed through and did something that you said you were going to do and they're relying on you. You need to be truthful. Honesty, take that out of your vocabulary.
Say, I feel. I think, it's my opinion, but don't say, honestly speaking. Don't say that because you're then trying to make it sound like everybody else agrees with you that this is sort of the authority on this particular topic and it just isn't.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships.
Today's topic, When a Partner Wants You to Spend Money You Don't Have on an Engagement Ring.
Lis:
Ooh, yeah.
Marlee:
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this one, Lis.
Lis:
I have a lot of thoughts on this one. Some people feel that by making the guy sacrifice a little bit, like that's his sacrifice, so like expensive, it symbolizes that he doesn't take the decision lightly.
That's the expectation. I actually am going to come from maybe a little bit of a different perspective because why would you want to be in a relationship where you start off in debt as a couple?
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
It's not a good financial decision. And remember, once the two of you are married. Your income becomes one.
Marlee:
Right.
Lis:
Your expenses become one. Your debt becomes one.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
So, while it seems all glamorous in the moment, and of course, you want that symbolization, I guess, of their love. There's so many other consequences that come with going into debt because of that. And isn't wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone more than just an object?
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
I don't know. I feel like it's become, to me, a sign that this person, this woman or partner in this relationship is selfish and entitled and it's a huge red flag that you really need to consider before you make this huge lifelong commitment.
Marlee:
Too many women believe that an engagement ring is symbolic of how much their partner loves them.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
The size and cost of the ring is seen as a purity test. This is a big mistake that so many couples make and they end up regretting. The engagement ring is a symbol, but it should be a symbol of something that fits the reality of the financial circumstances of the couple.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
It's disrespectful to expect or demand that an expensive ring be purchased. While it signals respect to make sure you get a ring that fits your future partner's aesthetic, going over budget will cause nothing but resentment.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It should be a red flag when a future partner's expectations exceed what is fiscally responsible.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
In turn, it is a red flag when a future partner behaves in a disrespectful manner by being cheap or thoughtless when they have the option to purchase something their partner would love and appreciate.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Two people should have an open and honest discussion about their values and beliefs around engagement rings and come to a compromise. If both parties are unhappy with the cost or type of ring given or expected, then it signals that the marriage will be doomed. So I do believe this. I think social media and influencers, all these images of these over-the-top engagement rings have really shifted what is considered appropriate.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
I think so many people nowadays think that they need to have a big engagement ring. I know there have even been TikToks about people who have showed off their very small rings. And they get attacked.
Lis:
They get blasted. And they get blasted from people like, “Ugh, how could you accept such a small ring? He obviously doesn't care.” And I think that's disgusting behavior.
Lis:
Disgusting.
Marlee:
I applaud people who care more about the relationship than some symbol. I think that if you are in a financial position to be able to gift somebody something beautiful that they'll wear for a lifetime. I think that is a lovely gesture.
Lis:
Yeah. Agree.
Marlee:
But I think that something simple and elegant and affordable and appropriate sends just as strong of a gesture. It means you guys are on the same page, you have the same values, and you're trying to start off on the right foot.
Lis:
Absolutely. And all of those decisions compound each other. So the second that you make a bad choice…
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
And by the way, half of those rings on social media are probably fake anyway.
Marlee:
Of course they are.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Of course they are.
Lis:
I mean, whatever.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.Romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released.
Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast, please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify. Reviews let Apple know that great listeners, like you, enjoy our show, and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again, and stay Romancipated.