S5 Episode 5: Be Empowered in a Relationship, Not Entitled
Episode Summary
A healthy relationship is based on respect, trust, communication, boundaries and acceptance. Each person who enters into a partnership is entitled to have their wants and needs met by their partner, and in turn they should be willing to offer the same. Remember, a relationship takes two people, and both should be willing and able to make their partner feel cherished and loved.
Having realistic and thoughtful relationship expectations for you and your partner is empowering. Making demands, living by a double-standard or refusing to communicate with your romantic partner is not only unacceptable behavior, it is disrespectful, thoughtless and immature. Striking a balance between empowerment and entitlement can be tricky. That is why you need to practice self-awareness to avoid falling into unhealthy patterns.
When a person is comfortable with who they are, they become a better partner. Empowering yourself outside of the relationship affords you the ability to respect your partner’s boundaries and to accept their limitations. When a couple plays to one another’s strengths, the bonds that tie them together are reinforced.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how toxic it can be to a relationship when a partner lets their family members interfere in the primary relationship.
Show Notes
Do you know the difference between being empowered versus being entitled in your relationship? Requiring respect is empowering. On the other hand, making demands is entitlement. It’s important for people to understand this distinction. You can’t use empowerment as an excuse to make demands from another person.
A relationship is two whole people coming together. You are going to have to have your needs and wants met, and you will also have to meet the wants and needs of your partner. It’s not entirely about your expectations because it’s a two-way street.
The key to empowerment is understanding and playing to your strengths. It’s about communicating effectively, setting boundaries, and taking ownership. Sharing household duties, emotional care, and apologizing when you should is empowering. Living by a double standard, refusing to communicate, and having an unfair distribution of labor is entitled behavior.
An empowered person operates from a place of comfort and knows how to draw on what they need, rather than placing all the expectations on their partner. Once you start emphasizing and working on your own empowerment, you’ll realize how much healthier it is for you and your relationship.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When people let their family interfere in the relationship. You don’t automatically deserve a place in someone else’s relationship. This often stems from a need for control, and too many people allow this to happen in a relationship. Your partner only needs to satisfy your wants and needs, not those of your family members. If your family can’t respect your boundaries and your relationship, they don’t respect you.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
Takes to find the partner you deserve. It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
On today's episode, Be Empowered in a Relationship, Not Entitled.
Lis:
I love empowerment.
Marlee:
I do too. I love entitlement as well. Just, just not in relationship. I like entitlement in terms of the world, but that's a whole other podcast.
Lis:
There you go.
Marlee:
I want to start off by just sort of making sure our listeners understand the difference between empowerment and entitlement.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Making sure you're treated with respect by your partner. That's empowerment. Making demands of your partner, that's entitlement.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And I think it's so important for people to get that there's a difference.
Lis:
I do too.
Marlee:
Because I do think that a lot of people will make demands. And then say that they were just empowering themselves. Because I think that there's a big difference between personal empowerment.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Versus empowerment in a relationship.
Lis:
I think that's such a great point.
Marlee:
Because a relationship while it's two whole people coming together. You by definition of becoming part of a couple, part of a relationship is that you know you are going to have to have your needs and wants met, but you are also going to have to meet the needs and wants of your partner.
Lis:
Well…right there.
Marlee:
It's not a one-way street.
Lis:
How many people have you seen, or even personally, who knows? But you go into a relationship with this long, long list of what you're going to expect from a partner.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
But on the opposite end of that, where is the emphasis on what you're going to give to the relationship.
Marlee:
Exactly. So let me just sort of give some general, I would say, empowerment rules.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
Part of empowerment is understanding your strengths and your weaknesses.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And playing to your strengths.
Lis:
Okay, love it.
Marlee:
Becoming comfortable with setting boundaries for yourself and your partner is empowering.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Communicating your wants and needs to your partner is empowering. Taking ownership of what you do and what you say is empowering. When you take personal responsibility for all of your decisions and behaviors, you are empowering yourself and you are empowering the relationship.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Apologizing. Sincerely.
Lis:
I love sincere apologies. I do.
Marlee:
Is empowering.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Giving your partner sexual pleasure is empowering.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Sharing household duties, childcare, emotional care, taking care of one another, other family members. It's empowering and it's enriching.
Lis:
I love that you put that right after sexual empowerment. Just kidding.
Marlee:
No, no. I mean…
Lis:
I know, I'm just teasing, but I was laughing.
Marlee:
Listen, letting your partner know that you're accountable for your actions and holding them accountable…
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Is empowering. Empowerment is a two-way street. Okay. Like I said, you need to be able to give your partner the space to be empowered as well, in the exact same way as I just discussed.
Lis:
Absolutely. And listen, like I think it also comes from self-value, right?
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
Like when you value yourself fully, you're not going to be looking at your partner to meet the expectations and demands that you feel like you deserve, because you're going to be taking care of that for yourself because you value what you're bringing to the table.
Marlee:
That's right. And also, part of empowerment is figuring out who the right partner is to begin with.
Lis:
Absolutely. And it's not a one size fits all.
Marlee:
That's right. If you guys aren't on the same page…
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
On a lot of things, there's going to be a lot of conflict.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And there's going to be problems. I always say to people, you have the ability to have a lot of say of how successful the relationship is going to be before it even begins.
Lis:
Great point.
Marlee:
By just being willing to do some exploration, not only of yourself, but of the other person.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Okay. Now I talk a bit about entitlement. And what I consider entitlement. Because again, I think it's one of those buzzwords that people throw around. And I've heard many people be like, oh, she's so entitled. And I'm thinking to myself, no, she expects to be respected.
Lis:
Right and she's setting boundaries.
Marlee:
That's right. That's not entitlement.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
So entitlement some examples of behaving, I think, in an entitled manner.
Lis:
Okay. Bring it, okay. I love this.
Marlee:
When you live by a double standard, okay?
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
That is an example of entitled behavior. When you can do something, you can be late and your partner can't get mad at you, but if they're late, you have the right to tear them a new one.
Lis:
You fly off the handle.
Marlee:
Refusing to communicate or explain your behavior or your decisions. That's an entitled behavior.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Right. If I want to buy a new pair of shoes, black ones, of course, and I refuse to explain my choice to my partner because it's my money too. I'm just allowed to. That is entitled behavior.
Lis:
That's right. Doing what you want to do simply because it’s you.
Marlee:
Violating your partner's boundaries.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Is an entitled behavior.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Having unrealistic expectations for your partner is entitled behavior. Right?
Lis:
Oh. Yeah. I didn't think about that one, but yeah.
Marlee:
Unfair division of labor in your household, whether it's household chores, childcare, you know who's in charge of the economics, time management, hobbies, again, sexual satisfaction.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Hello. That is entitled Behavior. Thinking you should always be the one to get your rocks off and not caring what happens to your partner. Entitled!
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
All right?
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Expecting your partner, Lis, to make up for your deficiencies. That's entitled behavior.
Lis:
Do you think that's like a, a good word too, to use like the expectation that somebody else is going to do something just because you're you? I mean, I think that that's like, that kind of wraps it up and like a little…
Marlee:
Yeah. Absolutely.
Lis:
It's like an expectation that somebody owes you something.
Marlee:
That's right. I mean, listen, when you behave in an entitled manner in a relationship, it pretty much forces your partner to do one of two things. They either are going to have to give in or they're going to have to fight you. Neither of which will end up good for you because both will end up in resentment. If your partner has to give in…
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
They're going to resent the hell out of you.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
If your partner has to always fight you to get you to back down, they're going to resent the hell out of you.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
So either way you're setting yourself up for a bad situation in your relationship, which is why don't be entitled. Don't think that just because you are in a relationship with somebody, you get to treat them differently than you would treat an outsider. That's another example.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Where in terms of like the whole double standard.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
If you think you can yell at your partner when you're frustrated, but you would never yell at a coworker when you're frustrated with them. You should recognize that's entitled behavior with your partner. It's not that your partner's a safe space…
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Obviously your partner's a safe space, but just because they're safe doesn't mean you have the right to be abusive towards them.
Lis:
Well, but that is such a great point because I do think that people fall back on that.
Marlee:
They do all the time.
Lis:
They fall back on the fact that. Well, sometimes, you know, I just need to get it off my chest. And you were the person that was there, and I know I can trust you and I love you, so you know I'm taking it out on you.
Marlee:
Yeah, that's entitled.
Lis:
It's entitled. And you know what, I don't think I would've ever used that word.
Marlee:
But that's what it is.
Lis:
It makes so much sense.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
Yeah, of course.
Marlee:
So I do think that, again, being entitled in some aspects of society, are justified. I think that if you worked hard, if you've been thoughtful about saving money, if you've been a responsible person, you should be entitled to maybe certain luxuries than maybe a person who hasn't done those things shouldn’t be entitled to.
Lis:
Sure.
Marlee:
But that's a very different concept of entitlement than what you're doing in your relationship.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Because if you take that same attitude of, oh well I'm entitled to spend more money because I work harder. Or because you know, I'm smarter or more educated.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Or because I'm the more responsible person. Bullshit. No. What happens in society outside of your relationship, you might be able to justify, but you do not get to justify that behavior in a relationship. A relationship is a partnership.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
You accept who your partner is. You accept their weaknesses. You accept where maybe they aren't going to be able to deliver the way you can.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
You accept it.
Lis:
Fair.
Marlee:
And if you don't accept it, then you probably shouldn't be with them.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
But don't think you're entitled to get away with stuff because you're not.
Lis:
I think that an empowered person doesn't really have any expectations. I think that they don't really need any because they're operating from a place of comfort and they know how to draw on what they need to make themselves comfortable.
Marlee:
Yes. No, I agree. I think empowerment comes from an internal place. I agree with that. I always feel that I'm an empowered lady.
Lis:
Yeah. I like feel I'm empowered, right.
Marlee:
Yeah. Because I think I have a lot of self-awareness.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
I think I practice self preservation.
Lis:
You absolutely do, Marlee. Yeah.
Marlee:
And I think you do as well, Lis.
Lis:
Thank you.
Marlee:
And I feel that I make sure to nurture my own needs and wants before I even begin to ask another person to nurture my needs and wants. Does that make sense?
Lis:
I think that's so important.
Marlee:
I do everything that I can.
Lis:
No, and I think that a lot of people slip up on that.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
I'm guilty of it. There is definitely times where I will put other people's needs first, even specifically in my family and it definitely takes a toll when I'm not feeding the things that I need to empower myself for sure.
Marlee:
Yeah. No, I agree. I do think that empowerment is something that people do often need to work on.
Lis:
I think you do, and I think you don't even realize how important it is.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
Until like you start to see things slip, right?
Marlee:
That's right. Until you recognize that you're in a position where the partner you've chosen seems to be behaving in a very entitled way.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships.
Today's topic, When People Let Their Family Interfere in the Relationship.
Lis:
Oh.
Marlee:
Oh, oh, okay. You know what? You know, I have thoughts on this one, Lis, I'm going to let you go first, please.
Lis:
Okay. Okay. So, I actually had a little bit of a harder time with this one because I don't necessarily have this issue, however, I am a parent and I'm hoping that this is what I don't do.
Marlee:
Okay.
Lis:
Okay. So I'm hoping that I don't bring in sense of entitlement into somebody else's relationship that makes them feel like I deserve a place in their partnership because I don't. Okay. I also feel like a lot of times parents have a misplaced concern for their child's welfare, so they think because maybe they're watching something, a situation unfold in a partnership, that they deserve a voice or to be heard in a conflict. It's not their place to be part of that relationship.
Marlee:
That's a good point.
Lis:
Okay. I think that also parents tend to overreact when their children confide in them, so they're getting some type of, maybe a boundary has been broken in a partnership because you're giving some type of detail of an intimacy or something that is happening in your relationship, and a parent thinks that they now have the go ahead to voice their opinion, to try to build a wedge, to try to like…and really their child is confiding in them, and they need to take a step back and realize that that is their partnership, their relationship.
You can give advice, but it's not your place to then be a part of it. I also think that what I've experienced and witnessed is that unhappy parents view that all relationships are doomed, right? So when you have a bad relationship with your own, you know, partnership, maybe your marriage, that your outlook on all relationships are that they're going to fail and you voice that consistently and you try to build wedges so that maybe your son or daughter doesn't get hurt.
I think that parents can project their own marital problems onto their kids, and I think that that happens a lot. And I think that when parents are unhappy, they try to project everything that's going on in their life onto their children. And then, I think probably the worst one is that empty nest mothers struggle to give up control, and I think that they still want to have their foot in the door and their hold on their child, and it's a “them” problem.
And the second that you cross that boundary just a little bit, you're setting yourself up for a world of hurt.
Marlee:
Okay, so first of all, I didn't have a lot to say because I was taking everything you just said in.
Lis:
Wow.
Marlee:
Yeah, no, really. I mean, I don't think I've ever looked at it from that perspective, probably because I have been on the receiving end of interfering family members.
Lis:
Which I think is really hard.
Marlee:
But you've just given me serious food for thought, so thank you.
Lis
You're welcome.
Marlee:
Because I really never looked at it from that perspective.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
Like my mind's a little blown. So thank you, Lis.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
Okay. Now I'm going to tell you mine.
Lis:
All right. Bring it on. Bring it on. Love it.
Marlee:
Here we go. As everyone of our listeners already knows, this is a personal pet peeve of mine, and I do think it's actually very common in relationships.
Lis:
It is.
Marlee:
A partner should never let their family members interfere in their romantic relationships. The only scenario where I would ever deem this as acceptable is if there's abuse taking place. And the family members are trying to help out the victim and are supporting them until they are in fact ready to leave the abusive situation.
Lis:
Good point.
Marlee:
I think too many people allow their family members to influence major life decisions in their romantic relationships.
Lis:
They do.
Marlee:
Who you choose to be your romantic partner should only satisfy your wants and needs and not those of your family members. When your partner allows their family members to interfere in your relationship, it creates instant resentment towards your partner as well as the interfering family member.
Lis:
Sure does.
Marlee:
The person you choose to make your romantic partner needs to be a priority in the relationship over your family members.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Especially if you are in a serious romantic relationship. If your family cannot respect your choice of partner and your boundaries, then they do not respect you. It is beyond disrespectful to not side with your partner or to allow your family member to insult, manipulate, or cause issues in the relationship.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Healthy boundaries for family members and romantic partners need to be communicated so that the expectations are understood for each person. It is such a red flag if a partner lets their family member be a part of any major or minor decision that concerns the couple. Accepting money, employment, or favors from the family members does not entitle them to interfere regardless of what they think.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Just because someone is related by blood does not give them the right to violate other people in a way they would never dream of doing to a non-family member.
When a partner allows family members to interfere, it violates trust, and it indicates that there's a severe lack of empathy for the individual who is the non-blood related partner.
Lis:
So true.
Marlee:
I feel so strongly about this. I have been victimized by my ex's family members. Because like you said, in many cases it was the mother.
Lis:
Yeah. So that’s what it usually is.
Marlee:
So that's why I don't like the mothers.
Lis:
Nope.
Marlee:
They did not like the fact that their son was having a very different relationship with me. Usually a much more, healthy relationship.
Lis:
Yup. Absolutely.
Marlee:
And they would interfere. All of them had bad marriages, so they did not like, that we actually had a solid relationship.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
And I can't tell you how many relationships I ended because they allowed other family members to interfere where they had no right interfering. And like you said, they were projecting their own issues onto our relationship and I found it unacceptable.
Lis:
Butt out.
Marlee:
So yeah, you’ve got to butt out and listen…
Lis:
That’s right.
Marlee:
If you are a person whose family members are doing this to your partner, you need to wake up and do the right thing. You picked your partner. Your family already got to make their choices in terms of the partners that they picked for their romantic lives.
Lis:
Good point.
Marlee:
This is your chance. This is your life. You get to make the decisions. They do not. You get to, and it needs to be joint decisions between you and your partner. Do not let your mother, your father, your siblings, your aunts, your uncles, your grandparents, whoever it may be interfere in your romantic relationship. I cannot stress that enough.
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast or to learn more about us, visit www.Romancipation.com.
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Reviews let Apple know that great listeners like you enjoy our show and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again and stay Romancipated.