S6 Episode 10: Be a Relationship Superhero: The Power of an Apology
Episode Summary
We all have a super-power that we can choose to use for good; the ability to sincerely apologize. There are no three words more powerful than “I am sorry”. This is especially true when you accept responsibility and are sincere.
It is natural to have conflict with your partner. Every person has said something they regret, made a mistake or used poor judgement in the course of a romantic relationship. The important thing is what you do after the fact. The ability to acknowledge that you wronged your partner and be willing to take responsibility is the only way to move forward. Recognize that, by not apologizing, you are weakening your bond and destroying intimacy.
A sincere apology makes your partner feel validated and respected. It also fosters an environment of vulnerability and empathy. Couples that are able to apologize to one another and not repeat the behavior are much more likely to be able to work through difficult situations and not cast blame. However, if you do not believe you owe your partner an apology, don’t fake it, because disingenuous behavior plants the seed of resentment.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss the unhealthy situation when one partner controls the finances in the relationship.
Show Notes
Apologies are so important, which is why they truly need their own episode. Apologizing is one of the most powerful things you can do in a relationship. A sincere apology has three parts: An acknowledgement of wrongdoing, taking personal responsibility for causing it, and offering a sincere statement.
Another part of apologizing is not intentionally repeating the harmful action again. You should actively work to not repeat the behavior, and this respect should go both ways in a relationship. When your partner communicates that they feel wronged, you should be able to own up to it and apologize.
If you don’t apologize with sincerity, it can hold the hurt person back from being able to move on. If you can’t admit what you did wrong, you’re essentially denying the person’s feelings. Not apologizing because you don’t believe you will be granted forgiveness right away is dismissive and destructive.
If you truly don’t think you’re in the wrong, don’t apologize. The only thing worse than no apology is an insincere one. But here’s the thing: Just because you didn’t see the behavior as insulting doesn’t mean everyone agrees with your worldview. You have to be willing to accept another person’s perspective, show empathy, and apologize accordingly.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When people allow their partner to control what they spend their money on. This is a common issue in relationships, but it’s also a very disturbing behavior. The person controlling the finances is usually trying to control their partner. It’s a violation of healthy boundaries and signals a power imbalance. Healthy communication about money is crucial in a relationship.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it! This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating, and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life, take charge, and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
On today's episode, Be a Relationship Superhero: The Power of an Apology.
Lis:
I can just picture a cape floating in the back.
Marlee:
Yes! Okay, the reason I decided on this topic, Lis, is because we've had multiple episodes about communication. And I really think that apologies are so important that they deserve their own episode.
That's why I came up with this topic. I think the ability to apologize is one of the most powerful things you can do to another person. Particularly a person that you are in a loving relationship with. I just need to start off by saying, for me, a real apology has three parts. One, an acknowledgement of the wrongdoing.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
Two, taking personal responsibility for causing it.
Lis:
Yup.
Marlee:
And three, offering a sincere statement of apology.
Lis:
Well, can I add to that? Because I feel like they also need to not repeat the action.
Marlee:
Okay, so it's interesting you said that. Here's the deal. I think that intention is very different than accidental. I agree that if it was intentionally something you did that wronged your partner.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Then I agree that you need to add that fourth part of that you will actively not repeat that behavior.
Lis:
Fair enough.
Marlee:
But, if it was unintentional, and it was a mistake, and you truly didn't mean for the thing to happen, even though you should still apologize, I think you’ve got to give your partner and other people in your life a little more leeway, which is why I didn't have that as a four-part. Does that make sense?
Lis:
Well, it does, but it doesn't because even if you didn't mean to do it and you did it and you apologized for it, you should never do it again is really kind of like where I'm coming from.
Marlee:
I agree. But I guess what I'm thinking is there are times where you do or say things like, I guess I was thinking of my husband. My husband will sometimes do something, and I felt it was very intentional, and he might admit it, that it was intentional, and in that case, yes, once he apologizes, I take that attitude of that fourth part of, and you better not repeat that behavior.
Lis:
Yeah, exactly.
Marlee:
But there are times, he just speaks out a turn. You know, he thinks he's being funny and he says something that's hurtful.
Lis:
Okay I see where you are going. Yeah, yeah.
Marlee:
And it's just because he's got a demented sense of humor.
Lis:
Right. It's not that he intentionally wanted to hurt you.
Marlee:
And it's not like I want him to stop being funny. Because nine out of ten times I think it is funny. It's just that tenth time, it's like, “Okay, dude, you went too far.” He's one of those guys, he never knows when to drop the mic.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
It's like, dude, that would have been so funny if you then just dropped the mic, but then you went there. And it nose-dived. Yeah, you're like, oh! That's kind of, I guess, what I was thinking about.
Lis:
Okay, I hear you. That's fair.
Marlee:
That's why I'd say let's come to a compromise.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
Let's say that it's a 3.5 part to an apology.
Lis:
All right, deal.
Marlee:
Depending on intent. And listen, the reason I think that an apology is so important, is, because I know for me, when I feel wronged, I need the person to acknowledge it.
Lis:
But do you always let them know that you felt wronged?
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Okay. Because I think that's super important too.
Marlee:
Okay. With my romantic relationships, absolutely.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
With other people, not necessarily.
Lis:
Okay. And I think that's very fair.
Marlee:
So with family and friends, depending the situation.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
My romantic partner. Every single time.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Sorry, honey. And that's a sincere apology.
Lis:
There you go. I'm sorry.
Marlee:
I do. And I'll tell you why. Because I want my partner to return the same behavior to me. I want that same level of respect.
Lis:
Got it.
Marlee:
And so, anytime I feel wronged, I want my partner to acknowledge it. And to ask for either forgiveness or acceptance, because we've talked about this, forgiveness and acceptance aren't the same thing.
Lis:
That’s right.
Marlee:
Somebody might forgive you for something but never accept it, and somebody else might forgive and accept, some people might accept and not forgive, depending on the situation.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
But for me, I think it is important that they acknowledge, because if they don't acknowledge that they've wronged me…
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
I can't even move to the next phase of forgiveness or acceptance.
Lis:
Well, because it reestablishes, like, a dignity.
Marlee:
I was going to say. It's a form of validation.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
Right? It's showing your partner that they're not crazy for feeling hurt or angry by your behavior, by what you said.
Lis:
You're not dismissing it.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
If you don't acknowledge that what you did is actually wrong, then you're denying the existence of their feelings.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Look, I also am a huge believer that you have to be able to accept that your apology may not gain you the forgiveness or acceptance from the wronged party. In this particular case, your partner.
Lis:
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
Marlee:
And I think that again, that's part of what comes with an apology. Once you deliver it, it doesn't necessarily mean it's going to “right” everything. And you got to be ready for that, but just because it's not going to “right” something doesn't mean you don't do it. For a lot of people, that's the attitude of, well, if I apologize, it's not going to change anything, so why bother?
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
And I think that's a very unhealthy way of looking at it. I think it's dismissive and I think it's destructive.
Lis:
Well, it's definitely destructive, and I mean it definitely hurts your relationship, and I think you've made such a good point. It's like a child, right? Just because you apologize for doing something badly, you can't expect instant, like, everything goes back to normal.
Marlee:
That’s right. But a lot of people want that.
Lis:
But a lot of people want that, and do you think it's because that's what we were taught when we were little? I feel like a lot of people have mis-learned how to apologize.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Because when you were little, we were told... Well, you just have to say you're sorry.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
And then everybody moves on and everybody plays together.
Marlee:
That's right. And often the person isn't sorry.
Lis:
And often they're not sorry. And often the other person is still pissed off.
Marlee:
Yeah, exactly.
Lis:
You’re still frustrated that it's, Tommy stole your electric scooter. Like whatever it is.
Marlee:
No, you’re right. Forced apologies are the worst because they're insincere.
Lis:
They’re the worst. Yes.
Marlee:
And I agree with you. I do think from early on we're told, “Oh, just apologize” and we'll move forward. But you're right. If you truly don't think you've wronged somebody, then I'm the first one to say don't apologize.
Because it will be insincere, and you will repeat the behavior, and you will look ridiculous. So if you truly don't think you've wronged somebody, don't apologize, but, and here's my big qualifier, you better be damn sure. Because... Just the fact that you didn't see the behavior as being offensive or insulting does not mean that another person has your perspective or your world view.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Humor is a perfect example. Somebody might say something that they meant as a joke and they actually think is funny and the person on the receiving end doesn't think it's funny at all. You might not think you insulted them, but if they've told you, “You've insulted me”, you need to accept it. And it doesn't matter if you're like, “Oh, well, Lis, if you had said that to me, I would have thought it was hysterical.”
Because maybe that might be true, but maybe you might say something different that you thought was funny that I would find hurtful or offensive. So you've got to be able to show that empathy to actually put yourself in somebody else's shoes and say, even if I wouldn't have found that offensive or angering, I'm believing him or her that they did.
And because I love them, because I respect them, because I care for them, because I want us to have a productive relationship, I'm going to do the right thing and I'm going to acknowledge that obviously, what I did or said was either hurtful or offensive and I am going to take responsibility and I'm going to apologize.
Lis:
But, also don't apologize like this. “I'm so sorry that your feelings are hurt.”
Marlee:
No! I'll punch you in the face if you do that. And I won’t apologize!
Lis:
“I'm so sorry that you took that the wrong way.”
Marlee:
But that's not a real apology. We had a vent about that.
Lis:
That’s not a real apology. I know.
Marlee:
That's not a real apology. That's a passive aggressive, bullshit way of trying to deflect responsibility.
Lis:
Yes! That's right. You're not apologizing.
Marlee:
That's not an apology.
Lis:
Just because you use the word sorry…
Marlee:
That's right. It's not an apology.
Lis:
It's not an apology.
Marlee:
That's phony. It's nonsense. And you do get a punch in the face. And I will not apologize for assaulting you if you do that. The reality is you can truly believe you did nothing wrong.
You really can. And if, like I said, you are sure you did nothing wrong, stand by it, but accept the consequences that may come. The relationship may end up going down the tubes. You have to ask yourself, was it worth it? Sometimes, in principle, it's really worth it to take a stand. Other times, is it really worth it? I don't know. I tend to fall in the camp of, it's worth it, I'll die on my hill.
Lis:
I do too.
Marlee:
Other people are like, eh, you know what, is it really that important?
Lis:
But if you truly don't believe that you... are wrong, then the apology is insincere anyway. I don't know. I just kind of feel like, I know when somebody is truly apologizing to me that they really feel the empathy that they have hurt me or done something that is unacceptable.
But I also know when my partner does not believe he's wrong, then apologize is feeling like, well, I'm just going to like clean this up. I'm going to apologize. You know when you're getting a true apology versus a fake apology.
Marlee:
That's very true.
Lis:
I do feel like if you're not sincerely believing that you are at fault or wrong, any apology that you give isn't sincere.
Marlee:
I guess what I'm saying is that there are those people who truly believe they've never done anything wrong and you'll never get an apology out of them.
Lis:
Well, right.
Marlee:
I'm sure you've met them.
Lis:
They're stupid.
Marlee:
Yeah. There's a lot of people like that. They're never wrong.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
And even if you've proven to them that they are wrong, they still won't apologize. They'll try and just gloss over it and move forward.
Lis:
Or deflect.
Marlee:
Or deflect.
Lis:
Or blame. Or, right.
Marlee:
But you'll never hear the words, “I'm sorry”, come from them.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
If you're involved with a person like that, first of all, I'm sorry for you, that is sincere because it is an awful person to be with. I don't care if I anger people by saying that. I think individuals who will not accept any personal responsibility for what they do and say are very toxic, very damaging individuals. I don't like them, and I certainly don't respect them. But I will also say that if you're in a situation where somebody's always making you apologize for anything and everything, that's just as toxic.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
Because that's a form of manipulation. If everything that you're doing or saying is offensive or hurting somebody's feelings, you're with the wrong person.
You're just blatantly with the wrong person. I can't believe as a human there's a person that exists that is so off that every single thing they do or say is offensive.
Lis:
Or hurts somebody's feelings.
Marlee:
Or hurts somebody. It's just you're with the wrong person. Everybody's different levels of tough skin.
Lis:
Tolerate it.
Marlee:
And to tolerate and to take things. And different people value different things and find different things offensive.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
And that's okay, because we're all individuals, and that's part of what it means to be romancipated, is understanding what your boundaries are.
Lis:
That’s right.
Marlee:
Understanding how to communicate those to your partner so that they don't violate your boundaries.
Lis:
Great point. Yes.
Marlee:
That's what it's about. But I also want to make sure that people get that there is a difference between making the same mistake over and over and having your partner consistently ask for an apology, that's not manipulative. I will give an example of being late. Okay, if you're habitually late, and you end up in a situation where it creates an argument or conflict and your partner's like, you need to apologize, and you're thinking to yourself, “Ugh, I'm always apologizing.” It's like, well, yeah, dude, because you're habitually late. You are creating the situation.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
That is an example of where the person's not being manipulative, insisting you apologize. What they're trying to get you to understand is that your behavior is really thoughtless.
Lis:
And disrespectful.
Marlee:
And disrespectful.
Lis:
Yeah, absolutely.
Marlee:
So, we started this with saying that it's important to also try and change the behavior when you make a mistake after you apologize.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
That's the toughest part.
Lis:
Of course.
Marlee:
It's super hard to do, but I will tell you, I always appreciate the effort when I see my husband try.
Sometimes he knocks it out of the park, sometimes not so much. I, myself, make mistakes.
Lis:
No!
Marlee:
I know, I know, Lis, it's almost crazy talk. But I will say, when I catch myself, and I recognize that I'm following into a pattern, or I'm repeating a behavior that I already knew crossed the line, I do try to go out of my way to be proactive and apologize before I'm even asked to do it because I say, “listen, I know again, I made that same mistake. I said I wasn't going to, but I still did it. But at least I recognize this time before you said something that I did it.” And I feel that should get you bonus points.
Lis:
Agreed.
Marlee:
Absolutely. So we will end this with again, the power of the apology. It is a superhero-esque power. It can make the difference between a very smooth, happy, healthy, and productive relationship or a breakup.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships.
Today's topic. When People Allow Their Partner to Control What They Spend Their Money on.
Lis:
Oh, yeah.
Marlee:
Yeah. This is a common one.
Lis:
And it's kind of a hot button, right?
Marlee:
It is. I think so.
Lis:
It's a trigger for sure.
Marlee:
Absolutely. So, I mean, I know what I want to say.
Lis:
Take it.
Marlee:
All right. So. I'm going to start off by saying this is a very disturbing behavior and I consider it a huge red flag.
Lis:
Yes, it is.
Marlee:
This is often a sign of an abusive relationship where the person controlling the finances is using money as a way to exert control over their partner and family.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It creates instant resentment. It makes the person being monitored feel untrustworthy. It is disrespectful and a violation of healthy boundaries.
Lis:
Yes, it is.
Marlee:
It often signals a huge power imbalance in the relationship. It shows a lack of autonomy and it can make the person being controlled feel helpless and trapped.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
It is never a sign of love or of somebody taking care of you. It is a demeaning behavior to the person that is being controlled by money.
Lis:
Yes, it is.
Marlee:
If you allow another person to control your money because you're lazy, irresponsible, or immature, you need to seek out help to deal with this very destructive behavior that will impact you and your partner and potentially your family.
Lis:
That's a good point.
Marlee:
So if you're an individual, you know what I mean, you get yourself into credit card debt or something, that's a very different situation.
Lis:
That’s right.
Marlee:
But if you're aware that you are behaving that way, you need to actively do something about it versus making it somebody else's responsibility.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Now, but I will say, the only time that I think it's acceptable for a partner to control what the other person spends their money on, is if the person who's being monitored has an identified issue with money, such as spending or, creating debt and the partner is acting as a gatekeeper to protect the financial health of the relationship. So for example, the person has a gambling addiction, or shopping addiction, or is constantly getting conned out of money.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Because they have a soft heart, or they're always lending money to friends or family members without any kind of agreement from their partner.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
If this is the case, then I do think the individual needs to be policed. However, again, I reiterate, the person who's being policed needs to seek out help to allow them to be able to control and reform their financial habits.
Lis:
Absolutely. Oh, Marlee. Great points. Those are really, really good points.
Marlee:
Thank you.
Lis:
I think money can be such a huge source of tension in relationships.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
I will say, I think it's normal to occasionally argue about bills or how money is being spent. But when your partner gets controlling about money or prevents you from making money on your own. That can be a sign of financial abuse.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
Right. So, I think a partner who controls money is manipulative.
Marlee:
Yep.
Lis:
And I think that it prevents you from having your own autonomy, like you said, or independence.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
I think everyone actually brings a different money story into a relationship. And some of the issues can stem from how you were raised and how you saw your parents handle financial situations.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
For me, I think communication about money is crucial.
Marlee:
Oh, absolutely.
Lis:
Like you have to be able to talk about it. You have to be able to keep those lines of communication open for all of the reasons you and I have just kind of discussed.
Marlee:
Yeah. I mean, but I never think one person in the partnership should have control.
Lis:
Nope.
Marlee:
Over the finances. I think it's a bad idea.
Lis:
Bad idea.
Marlee:
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.Romantipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released.
Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast, please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify. Reviews let Apple know that great listeners, like you, enjoy our show, and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again, and stay Romancipated.